At home, I puttered around the kitchen and heated up last night’s lasagna, then tossed a salad and set the table. More than an hour passed with no word from Colin.
What if he left with the brunette? What if Adam told him I was there and he came home furious? Or worse, what if he came home and tiptoed around me as though nothing were wrong?
That would mean the worst thing of all—that I really was as fragile as everyone assumed.
CHAPTER 14
Colin
It was almost eight o’clock before Colin realized how late he was for dinner. Work had gone from consuming to obsessive. He sped home, determined to make something of the evening. Only, when he walked through the door, the disappointment on Marissa’s face nearly broke him. She smiled with a seemingly painful effort.
He’d once heard a pastor say you could tell if a woman knew she was loved by the look on her face. At the time he’d dismissed the pastor’s ridiculous words since he didn’t put much stock in preachers, but it all came crashing back on him now as Marissa’s lips quivered. He didn’t need to see the worry lines around her eyes to know he was a miserable failure.
“Have a seat. I’ll fix your plate.” She eased away from him before he could kiss her. He’d waited too long.
He caught Marissa by the arm and spun her back to face him. He leaned forward and brushed her lips. They seemed foreign, cold. Not the mouth of the same woman who’d set fire to his heart so many years ago. He willed the feelings to come back but knew it would take more than a kiss, a dinner, a year’s worth of loving to resurrect the feelings that were as dead as his latest experiment back at the lab.
“Sorry I’m late.” His keys rattled when he tossed them onto the table in the hall. “Time got away from me. I went back to work after practice.” He was quick to explain, sounding guilty even to his own ears. Why did the guilt slay him now, when he’d actually stopped violating his vows?
Adam—it was because Adam talked to him again at the field after Tommy’s mom had finally left. The way his friend pleaded with him to come clean with Marissa had only stabbed him in all the raw places he’d conveniently closed off over the last two months. He never should have told Adam. He’d had to explain all over again why it was a bad idea to tell his wife about—
Colin choked as unbidden images of Kaitlyn shot to the forefront of his thoughts. Kaitlyn in all her innocence and acceptance, loving him simply for who he was. Never asking, never assuming, never demanding more than he could give. Making him feel more like a man than he had in years.
Marissa’s eyes searched him, probing as though she wanted to believe. “You must be under a lot of pressure.”
He nodded. “Dr. Crank and the members of the tenure committee are watching everything I do. But I’m making progress.” Never mind that his experiment was a bust, which set his research back to square one.
“Maybe one of these days I can stop by and take you to lunch.” The hope on her face crushed him.
He didn’t want to say no, but he hated the thought of having her on campus. That was his sanctuary, the place he went to feel like he mattered and was making a contribution. He pushed back the fear that Marissa would hear a suspicious remark having to do with Kaitlyn.
He’d done a good job keeping his relationship a secret. There were a few raised eyebrows when Kaitlyn came during his office hours in the early days, but she’d been quick to learn that he needed to keep his private life completely separate from his work life. He was more comfortable that way. And the same applied to Marissa.
Colin cleared his throat. “How about if I stop by New Heights and take you to lunch? It would do me some good to get off campus.” The suggestion burned his tongue. The last time he walked into New Heights, Tristan was all chummy with his wife. He’d wanted to set Marissa’s so-called friend in place, but he kept his trap shut. He always sucked it up when it came to Tristan because he didn’t like friction.
“That’ll be nice. We could try the new deli around the corner.” Marissa nodded, her reaction void of joy or relief, or anything else he wanted to see.
Maybe she was more perceptive than he’d given her credit for. Had she noticed something amiss in his behavior? He’d covered all his tracks, even going so far as to label Kaitlyn’s cell phone number with Adam’s name, just in case Marissa ever saw a call come through. He shrugged off the thought. Guilt was playing with his mind, plain and simple. There was no reason to feel bad now that he’d come to his senses.
Adam was wrong on all levels. Telling Marissa would only dredge up what was best left buried. He may have strayed, but he came back. Kaitlyn was only a brief interlude in his life, and even if he and Marissa never relit the fire they had in the beginning, he would keep his vows and protect his fragile wife from his indiscretions.
Since Kaitlyn was out of his life, there was no need to send Marissa over the cliff. Not when she’d been fighting so hard just to cling to the ledge.
CHAPTER 15
Marissa
It took more than a week for Colin to fulfill his promise of lunch, and even then it was sandwiches and sodas, the blandness of which perfectly matched our marriage.
“The clinic looks good.” Colin craned his neck, noticing the paint on the eaves for the first time.
“It’s a house, not a clinic.”
“Right. Sorry.” He pulled back like a turtle into its shell. Only then did I realize I’d snipped when I hadn’t meant to. He was only trying to make conversation on an otherwise silent walk back to New Heights.
Maybe he wasn’t having an affair and the problems really came down to me. My issues. I no longer thought of our infertility as our issue, not since Colin had given up trying. If only he realized I was doing it for him. Always for him. The only thing he’d talked about since we married was starting a family. The grief over the miscarriage had never really ended, even though I knew my baby was in God’s loving hands. But the disappointment over not being able to conceive since was still crushing.
I hesitated before touching the hem of his sleeve. “I didn’t mean to be grumpy.” Or morose or dull or any number of things I’d been during lunch. I searched his moss-colored eyes. Sometimes I could still see the man I married reflected in those eyes. Sometimes I could still see myself.
Colin’s smile was strained. “I understand.”
In that moment, I believed he did, and though I wanted to melt into his arms and be the couple we used to be, I didn’t dare. Instead, I inched closer. “I’m really glad you came by. Would you like to come inside? We’ve made a ton of improvements since you were here.”
He hesitated long enough that I knew no matter what he said, he wanted to leave. To be anywhere but in the same building as Tristan.
Before Colin could answer, I let him off the hook. “You’re probably busy.”
“Incredibly.” The light returned to his eyes. A breeze tousled his hair, and more than anything I wanted to reach out and smooth it into place. He offered a genuine smile. “Hey, soon I can take long lunches, just like the big boys.”
“I’m really proud of you. It’s been a long time coming.” I edged toward the front door, the awkward exchange reminding me more of a dating couple, unsure where they stood with each other and how far to take the moment—except without the hope that the other person might really want them. I only had the hope that my husband wasn’t actually planning to leave me for someone else. Someone younger.
Someone fertile.
Dutifully, Colin leaned over and pecked my cheek. “I’ll see you at home.”
“I’ll be waiting,” I said, then immediately wished I hadn’t. The desperation hung between us, separating us like an invisible wedge. I wanted to ask him to call if he was going to be late until I realized I didn’t even know what late was. For the last few months, late was normal, just like him not answering his cell phone was normal and avoiding eye contact when he walked through the door was normal. And him not touching me in the night unless I forced the issue was sadly,
perfectly normal.
Sweet relief filled my lungs when I walked inside New Heights. It wasn’t just a refuge for mothers in crisis. It was a refuge for me. A place where I could throw myself into other people’s lives and work with them until their fear turned to joy. It satisfied so many longings inside me, yet now it pained me on the same level.
“Christina, I’ll be in my office. If anyone calls, can you take a message? I’ll need a few minutes alone.” I breezed past her and prayed she didn’t notice my glassy eyes or the tightness in my voice.
Behind the closed door, I released a deep breath. Relief and pain. Relief and pain. There was only one way to move forward, a way that I’d been avoiding for years. This was a last resort, and the possibility of it not working crushed me like an anvil. It would really mean that I’d tried everything and failed.
Before I could second-guess myself, I dialed the number. A number I knew by heart. A number I’d dialed a hundred times before hanging up after the first ring. I bit my lip, waiting. One ring. Two. Three.
“Highland Fertility Clinic, may I help you?”
When I finally emerged from my office, Kaitlyn was waiting for me in the lobby. “Oh, hi. It’s nice to see you.”
She seemed puzzled. “Did I come at the wrong time?”
I glanced at the clock on the far wall and a tiny memory jolted inside me. “Goodness, I forgot. I don’t know what’s gotten into me. Come on in.” I ushered her into my office for the interview we’d set up yesterday during my morning coffee run. “I hope I didn’t keep you waiting long.”
“Did I catch you at a bad time? I can come back.” She motioned to the closed door, her tone unassuming.
“Of course not.” I sighed, shoulders slumped, as I took a seat behind my desk. “It’s been a bit chaotic.”
“I know how that goes.” Her book bag dropped to the floor with a thud as she situated herself.
My promise to help her in every way I could came rushing back. I issued a practiced smile. “But that’s no reason for us to postpone. I hear you’re looking for another part-time job.”
“Not too many hours, but I could sure use the extra income.”
“Did they reduce your hours at The Bean?” So many businesses were barely skimping by, making cuts to stay afloat. I’d heard it multiple times from the young mothers who came in and needed referrals to social services.
“No. In fact, they’re bumping me up, thankfully.”
“Are you sure you can handle an extra job, along with school and The Bean?” I hoped concern translated in my question, not judgment. “I think you’d be a perfect fit here, but I am concerned about your health foremost.”
She nodded stiffly. “I don’t have much of a choice right now.” She hesitated as if debating how much to share. I liked that about her. She never spilled her guts or threw a pity party, but instead looked for ways to help herself and forge ahead.
How could the father of her baby leave her to fend for herself? What kind of idiot man would do that?
Kaitlyn cleared her throat and fussed with the hem of her tank top. “My roommate moved home to Mountainside for the summer, and my parents aren’t picking up the extra expenses this year because of my grades. But I never expected them to,” she added quickly. “It’s something they always offered. It’s totally fine, though.” She looked away. “I can handle it.”
“Of course you can. And if it gets to be too much, you can always cut down.” I leaned back, hoping to put her at ease. “Are you getting over your fatigue and morning sickness?”
Her nose wrinkled. “Not really. I feel like sleeping all the time.” She held up her hand. “But I won’t let that interfere with work.”
“I’m not asking as a boss. I’m asking as a friend.” Oddly enough, that’s what I was starting to think of her as—a friend. Never before in my career had I crossed the line. Professional relations only, without the personal involvement. Mostly. But there was something about Kaitlyn that was different, an emotional maturity that I wanted in a friend. And there was the small fact that, aside from my mother, I was without female friends altogether.
Her face relaxed a fraction at a time. “I’m exhausted.”
“Fatigue is pretty normal in the first trimester. It’s not easy making a whole new person.” I winked to lighten the moment. “Have you been taking care of yourself? Taking your prenatal vitamins?” I could tell by the way she rolled her lip under her teeth that she hadn’t been. Not entirely uncommon for mothers without a support system at home. “Do you have an OB or midwife picked out yet? I think I gave you a referral last time.” Unlike me, she probably hadn’t had a midwife in mind for several years ahead of time, just in case.
“I’ve looked at a few, but I haven’t made the call.” Her sheepish expression told me she likely hadn’t done much investigating whatsoever. But we had that in common and my heart was soft toward her. How long had I waited to make an appointment at the fertility clinic? And I wasn’t proud to admit that I made the appointment two months out—which gave me plenty of time to reconsider.
But Kaitlyn didn’t have that luxury. I tried to keep my tone strong but gentle. “You need to see a doctor. It’s for your benefit, and the benefit of your baby. I’m sure a lot of things seem overwhelming right now, but the baby will be here before you know it.”
Kaitlyn rubbed her forehead and squeezed her eyes. “You’re right. My to-do list grows longer every day. But to be honest, the number one thing I need to take care of is getting another job.” She studied her hands in her lap. “I had to drop out of school, and I really need to cobble together full-time hours.” The sad undercurrent in her voice was haunting. It was obvious she was disappointed in herself.
“Oh, Kaitlyn. I’m sorry.” Briefly I considered asking Colin what kind of help was available for students like Kaitlyn, but he was so busy lately I didn’t dare add to his workload, even with a simple question. Who else did I know who could help? I pulled out the stash of business cards I’d accumulated from various networking events and Chamber of Commerce meetings over the years. “Maybe you can still enroll for the fall. It’ll be cutting it close with your due date, but it’s been done before.”
She seemed to weigh my words. “No matter what, I will go back for spring semester. I’m not giving up.”
“Excellent. I have some great childcare providers I can recommend.” My fingers sifted through the cards. “What are you majoring in?”
“Accounting.”
That was the last thing I expected to hear, considering she was much more of a people person than other accountant-types I knew.
The tension around her eyes eased as she talked about academics. “My family was surprised too, but you know what I like? I like that numbers are predictable. I like that one plus one always equals two.” She issued a deep sigh. “I guess that makes my recent choices even stranger.”
I reached out and covered her hand with mine. “Give yourself some grace. We all do things we later wish we’d done differently. But good things really will come from this.” I swallowed hard, praying she would begin to experience the joy of the tiny life growing inside her.
She nodded absently. “I’ll have to take your word for it.”
“I’ve seen it a hundred times.” I sat straight and slid back into work mode. We hadn’t discussed duties, hours, or pay, but somehow it didn’t matter. What mattered was that Kaitlyn was a good fit and a conscientious person. What mattered was my promise to do everything I could to help her. “So, how soon can you start?”
CHAPTER 16
Kaitlyn
Kaitlyn wasn’t sure if she was more excited or scared about having a new job—correction, a second job. In fact, the only thing she was certain about was that she’d graduated to a new level of confusion.
She pasted on a cheerful smile and entered New Heights—this time as an employee, not a client. Hiring her had to be some kind of breach of protocol, so she was determined not to let Marissa down.
“I
’m here,” she announced.
“Thank goodness! I need backup. Let me show you around.” Christina chattered away and urged Kaitlyn into the kitchen, which was decorated much like the rest of the house with vintage knickknacks and doilies. “We use the kitchen as a break room so we can keep our purses and whatnot out of the way. Usually we leave snacks and tea out for the clients, but you can also have whatever’s in here.”
There was something about New Heights that made pregnancy seem … not so scary. Well, it was still terrifying to think of being responsible for a tiny baby, especially if Colin didn’t come around soon. But the overwhelming peace at New Heights at least made her feel less alone, like she had a chance of having a baby and not completely messing it up.
Christina leaned against the counter. “You look nervous.”
“Is it that obvious?” She set her book bag on the table, reluctant to give up the one thing that hid her growing belly. Of course she wasn’t really showing yet, but she still felt the need to wear baggier clothes to hide her sins.
“You’ll be fine. Marissa thinks you’ll be a great fit here or she wouldn’t have hired you.”
“I guess so.” She paused, wondering how many of her private fears were safe to reveal to a virtual stranger. And yet, the warmth in Christina’s eyes showed a maturity and understanding beyond her obvious early twentysomething years. “What if I don’t know what to say to the mothers or don’t know how to help them? I mean, I don’t even know how to help myself.”
Christina gave a sweet chuckle. “First of all, relax. Most of your interaction with the moms will be in the boutique—that’s what Marissa is calling the donation corner. For the most part you’ll be helping the girls pick out items they can use for their babies, or maternity clothes—that type of thing. C’mon, I’ll show you.”
Together, they left the kitchen and went into what must’ve been a separate dining room when the house had been lived in, judging from the chandelier sparkling overhead in the late morning sunlight. The east-facing window let in a lot of warmth—something Kaitlyn was becoming all too sensitive toward lately. She shed her lightweight cardigan, though it did little to diffuse the heat wave.
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