His hands curled into tight knots. He was going to have to tell her the truth, that he was married and he needed to stay with his wife. End of story.
With a plan in mind, Colin set back to work. He’d go find her at her job, though he couldn’t remember which coffee shop she worked at. In a town the size of Elden Springs, it might take a while, but he was determined to hunt her down.
Eventually.
CHAPTER 20
Marissa
Honesty has always been my mother’s best quality, unless she’s being honest about me.
“You don’t look so good.” Mom’s eyes raked me over before I slammed the car door and went around to the driver’s side.
Deep breath, I could do this. The fact I didn’t look well wasn’t a surprise. I had a mirror; I could see. That my own mother pointed it out so bluntly caught me off guard.
Distract and redirect—I was getting good at this. “Which doctor are we going to today?” Slowly, I backed out of her driveway and around the newspaper I’d already run over on my way in.
“Heart specialist. And before you ask, it’s just a checkup.” She opened her enormous purse and pulled out a bottle of lotion, then proceeded to slather it on her hands and forearms. The car suddenly smelled like a spring meadow and White Shoulders all at once. “Why haven’t you been sleeping? You look like you got punched.”
“Mom!”
“Right in the eyes.”
“Enough.”
“I know a lady, she has this cream—”
“I don’t need cream!”
She held up her hands in mock surrender. “Well, you’re a little cranky too.”
One day I’d be old enough to say whatever I wanted without a filter, just like my mother, but that day was not today. I sighed and slid my sunglasses on to deter further scrutiny. “Why didn’t you tell me you had an appointment?”
“Clearly I did tell you. That’s why you picked me up.” She was using her faux patient voice, the one that made me feel like I was a kindergarten dropout.
“I meant sooner, Mom. I need to know ahead of time because of my work schedule.”
“You said you’re always happy to take me, but I guess I can find someone else. Marva’s daughter always takes her—maybe she can take me too.”
“Mom.” My groan ricocheted through the car. “I can take you, but I have a job. Marva’s daughter stays home, remember? I want to help—”
“Because Marva just calls her up,” Mom mumbled and I tuned her out. I highly doubted Marva’s daughter was on call to taxi her mother around town, but I wasn’t about to argue the point.
“Never mind,” I said, giving up the battle. Mom was relentless, and I was no match for her. In fact, I was the opposite, passive but peaceable. Better to hold something inside to the point of bursting than to drive everyone away with a barrage of words.
“Did I tell you Marva’s daughter is having a baby?”
No, but it put the cherry on top of my day. Bittersweet news, as pregnancies always were. I stepped on the gas a little too hard. “That’s great. When is she due?”
“October. But if you saw her, you’d know she has to be due sooner than that.” Mom folded her arms over her purse. “Of course they keep telling me, ‘You’re next, you’re next.’”
“To have a baby?” I felt my nose wrinkle when I glanced at her.
Her hand wheeled in a slow circle as though I needed to catch up or get a move on. “No, silly. To have a grand baby. Not that I’m trying to rush you.”
I held back everything I wanted to say, the reasons and excuses, hopes and fears, and most of all the sense of failure that hovered over me like an ominous cloud. At this point, all I wanted was to get Mom to the heart specialist emotionally unscathed.
Mom gazed out the passenger window, muttering about the neighbor’s azaleas before bringing the conversation back around. “I always wanted to have more kids, you know. At least three or four more. That was always my dream.”
“No, I didn’t know.” Briefly, I wondered what life would’ve been like with a father and a passel of siblings. How different birthdays and Christmases and family get-togethers would’ve been. It had always been just Mom and me, which was why I’d never changed my last name. I didn’t want her to be the only one left. Sorrow nestled inside me, right next to the failure. “Why didn’t you?”
She snorted and whipped around to lance me with one of her infamous mom gazes. “That’s pretty obvious.”
I turned down Grove Avenue, away from the heavy current of traffic. “I always assumed you didn’t want a husband or more kids.” In fact, she seemed to let me know with audible sighs and constant fatigue that I was taxing enough.
“Do you really not know me that well?”
I hated to admit that I didn’t. I only knew what she let me see, enough for me to realize how much I lacked without a father. But I had shared her dream for a larger family, particularly a father who would be there to tuck me in and go to the daddy-daughter dances. I wanted a dad who would go to career day at school. A day each year when I was left sitting at a table alone while the other girls ate lunch with their doctor, firefighter, and executive fathers. Mom couldn’t come—she had to scrap for every hour of work she could get for us to still be poor.
She shrugged. “I learned the hard way that you’re supposed to find love before you have a kid. It’s pretty hard for a single mom in the dating pool.”
I recoiled. The words felt like a slap, and once again I was the little kid who knew she was out of place and in the way.
“I don’t mean it like that,” Mom said as though reading my thoughts. “I mean, you can’t bring home just anyone when you have a child. And let’s face it, there aren’t a lot of good men in the dating pool to begin with. Not everyone finds true love like you.”
A highly debatable point, but I wasn’t going to say so. The simper on her lips told me she was needling me for information in a not-so-subtle way. I hated when she did that, especially since I’d started doing it too.
“Bottom line, I never found the right man.” She shrugged again, but I could actually feel her longing, probably because it was so like my own. I remembered the nights I’d prayed for a father, as days bled into years without an answer. While my mom did everything she could, working early, working late, cooking and cleaning, and trying to make a life for us, I couldn’t deny the gaping hole I’d felt without a dad.
At the stoplight, I paused to really look at my mother—a woman who had to work too hard for too little in order to care for a kid who didn’t appreciate her sacrifices nearly enough. I reached over and squeezed her hand. “I’m sorry it didn’t happen like you dreamed, but I know that God is with us, even in our disappointment. I have to believe that.”
Her lips tightened and her neck bobbed with a swallow before she infused her voice with a lilt that was too bright to be real. “Well, you can make it up to me with grandchildren.”
Back at New Heights, I closed the door to my office and counted down the days until my appointment with the fertility specialist. What if I went through the treatments and still couldn’t get pregnant? Would Colin finally be amenable to adoption? The thought of talking about it made me cringe. As closed off as he’d been, our fertility problem was the last subject I wanted to bring up despite knowing he was as desperate as I was for a child. The brief moments I’d watched him at the baseball field confirmed what a patient and generous father he’d be, and I knew that if I could only give him a child, we’d be okay.
A knock sounded on the door, startling me from my reverie. “Come in.”
Kaitlyn poked her head inside, a blond rope of hair dangling over her shoulder. “I finished sorting the donation bags. You should see some of the cute maternity clothes.”
I managed to muster a smile. “Make sure to take some home with you.”
“Are you sure? I mean, I’m not really showing yet.” She stepped fully inside my office and motioned to her midsection where a tiny baby bump would soon form
.
“Definitely. In fact, it wouldn’t hurt for you to stock up on things as you see them come in—diapers, baby clothes—really, whatever you think you’ll need. In fact, I have a list for new mothers—”
“But I haven’t decided yet.” Her voice quavered.
“Right, sorry.” I hung my head, realizing I’d overstepped. How a mother could consider giving up her child was beyond me, and that was dangerous for my line of work. Adoption was a solid option that I’d helped set up in dozens of previous situations, and had even asked Colin to consider numerous times, but as my own problems continued, I understood it less and less. Finally I looked up to meet her gaze. “I hope you know I don’t mean to be … pushy. Sometimes I get overly excited.”
“Actually, I appreciate that. I need someone in my corner.” She hesitated then started to back out of the room.
“Wait … do you want to talk?” I gestured to the chair across from me.
She glanced over her shoulder before slipping back inside my office and shutting the door. “There’s not much to tell, and you’ve probably heard sob stories like mine a thousand times.” She issued a nervous chuckle.
“Not true.” I held up a finger. “Every sob story is different in a thousand little ways.”
She laughed for real this time. “It seems almost ridiculous, the position I’ve put myself in.” The chair squeaked as she sat. “I can’t believe I ever let myself get caught up with someone who would do this to me.”
“Do what?” I closed my appointment book and the glaring date with the fertility doctor. “I take it you told the father?”
Kaitlyn’s shoulders slumped. “You’re not going to believe this—I can hardly believe it myself—but I texted him.”
“That’s a new one to me—see, your story is different.” I offered a sidelong smile and hoped she’d continue to talk.
Her eyes widened. “There was no other way. I tried to see him in person and I tried to talk to him on the phone, but he’s avoiding me completely.” She released a disgusted sigh.
“Did he text you back?”
“No. Nothing. At first I thought maybe he just needed to let it sink in, you know, like I did. But it’s been a few days.” At this, her voice cracked. “So I guess that’s my answer. I’m in it alone.”
“Not alone—and don’t ever feel like you are.” I reached out and covered her shaky hand. “As for him … some men you are better off without. Truly.”
Her bottom lip quivered. “I don’t know what I’d have done without you. Being here has made all the difference for me.”
I glanced skyward to acknowledge providence. “It looks like we met up at just the right time.”
She pushed out of the chair. “I guess I’ll see you tomorrow morning, if you come in for coffee.”
“You can count on me. And make sure to pick out some cute maternity clothes before you leave today.” I smiled as she thanked me and closed the door.
That night, I dug deep inside myself and prayed and wept. So many needs, so little left inside me to even offer them up to God.
But He knew; He always knew.
I prayed for my marriage, and I prayed for my fertility appointment. I prayed for my sanity and for hope. I prayed for Kaitlyn and that the father of her baby would come to his senses and step up like a man.
It haunted me to think of another child growing up without a dad and ending up like me.
CHAPTER 21
Colin
Home or work? Was one place worse than the other to confront Kaitlyn with the text message she’d sent?
Colin saw the stupid message every time he closed his eyes, every time he looked in the mirror to shave, every time he stopped working long enough to think about anything at all. Still, it hadn’t prompted him to immediate action; in fact, he’d sat on the information for days. Before he did anything, he had to figure out if it was even true.
He spent the morning in the lab, noting observations that would help with the revisions of his paper, plus it kept his mind occupied. Assuming Kaitlyn was telling the truth—and really, it was a fifty-fifty shot—her news would keep. Besides, considering all he’d been through with Marissa, the odds of him fathering a child were pretty small.
But so were the odds of Kaitlyn lying.
Maybe the baby wasn’t his. She was a college coed, and even the most seemingly innocent ones were doing things that would make their mothers blush. Kaitlyn wasn’t immune to that type of behavior—after all, she’d been with him. Who was to say she hadn’t also been with someone else?
The thought made him apprehensive in unexpected ways. Jealousy, shame, remorse—a veritable hodgepodge of emotions. He’d been so stupid. Sure, he’d done what any other red-blooded man with opportunity would’ve done in his shoes, but he should’ve been smarter. Now he’d have to find an out-of-town clinic and get checked.
Colin muttered a curse that hadn’t poisoned his lips in years. He set down the test tube and removed his goggles. Completely pulled out of his experiment, his thoughts spun out of control as adrenaline slammed through his veins. He drew a deep breath and recalculated the odds in order to comfort himself, but still his heart rate kicked up a few notches.
As a biologist he knew that life found a way not only to sustain itself, but also to reproduce.
There was no way around it. He had to confront her and make her admit the truth so he could get on with his day. Get on with his life.
Get on with fighting his way back to where he always should have been—loving Marissa.
Colin had better things to do with his time than loiter outside The Bean, waiting for Kaitlyn to get off work. After leaving his office, he’d driven to all the coffee shops he could think of, looking for her car. Better to confront her in semi-public where there was no chance of losing his resolve to let her go.
Hidden behind the pine trees in the corner of the parking lot, he still felt conspicuous. Despite the heat, he kept his windows rolled up. The tint would be enough to keep anyone from noticing him, and even if they did, there was nothing criminal about being at a coffee shop. He noted the position of her car in relation to the drive-through line. If he caught her just at the driver’s side and kept his back to the front entrance, he’d be fine.
Minutes ticked by, giving his heart time to ramp up as he imagined every possible scenario and outcome. Either she was lying and she’d fess up once confronted, or she was telling the truth and his life would be wrecked. His own fault, but wrecked nonetheless.
At eleven o’clock, the back door opened and Kaitlyn exited alongside a skinny young punk. Colin fisted his hands. Logically, there was no reason to be jealous, especially since he’d been the one to end the relationship. But he still couldn’t stop looking.
The man—correction, kid—leaned over and gave Kaitlyn a hug that lasted a little too long. She smiled up at him, her silky hair fluttering in the breeze. Clearly the unkempt guy was crazy about her. Who wouldn’t be? It sure hadn’t taken her long to turn her attentions elsewhere. In a way, it gave Colin a smidgen of peace. Maybe that was why she hadn’t tried getting ahold of him again. In fact, maybe the baby belonged to this kid.
Briefly, he considered driving away. If he left now, she’d never be the wiser. He would go back to work—back to Marissa—and try to jump-start his marriage. There had to be some remnant of their love inside him, unless what they’d had together had never been actual love.
Which would explain a lot.
When he and Marissa had first met, he had been smitten. There was no other word for it. An exotic older woman whom he considered a catch. It made him feel superior to lure her stormy affections away from the other seemingly sophisticated and successful men in her life. But exotic eventually turned into dull, and stormy affections turned into constant need to the point where he simply wasn’t up to the challenge. She drained him in more ways than one.
Colin rubbed his temples and stuck his keys back into the ignition. The engine purred, causing Kaitlyn t
o turn her head. Eyes wide, she left the man she was talking to and beelined for Colin’s car.
He climbed out before she could hop inside. As she approached, he angled away from the entrance to the coffee shop, keeping his backside to the main road. If no one saw his face, he could deny being there.
“What are you doing here?” The edge in her voice caught him off guard.
Colin fixed his eyes on her, noting the rigidity of her posture and the firm set of her mouth. There was a different air about her that he couldn’t quite place. A quiet resolve and a lack of playfulness that wasn’t like the Kaitlyn he knew.
Suddenly it hit him—she was telling the truth. She was pregnant. The realization sent a new wave of adrenaline crashing through his veins. The only question was, whose baby was it? He leaned away from her and made an effort to keep his tone neutral. “I have a better question. Who’s the guy?”
Her mouth tightened as she crossed her arms, highlighting her curves. “Why do you care? Really, after ignoring my calls and texts and emails, kicking me out of your office … why?”
“I think it’s pretty obvious.” He lasered her with his gaze, hoping she’d be flustered enough to tell the truth.
“Does it matter?” She unfolded her arms and fiddled with the strap of her purse, which she quickly used to shield her stomach. “Why are you here?”
“Who’s the guy?” His voice softened with desperation that he didn’t want to feel.
Kaitlyn slouched and her face relaxed. “He’s my boss.”
“Your boss?” he scoffed. “You bounced back pretty quickly.” He tore his gaze away from her, unsettled by his conflicting emotions.
The warm breeze lifted her hair until she wrangled the errant strands back into place. “It’s not what you’re thinking, and you should know better.” She glanced at her stomach. “The hug—he was just being a friend. I told him I’ve been having a hard time, but I didn’t tell him about the baby. Not yet.”
Baby—the word made him flinch. He choked down the gravelly lump in his throat. “So you were serious about …” He motioned to her waist, which somehow seemed thicker, though she couldn’t possibly be that far along.
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