“Like I said in the car, something is just … off.” I glanced at the doors of the church, opening and closing. The old-fashioned bell gonged from the steeple. “Can we not talk about this?”
She fisted her hand and pumped it with vigor. “Just lay it on the line. There’s nothing wrong with taking charge every now and then.”
The same way she did? I cringed, remembering Colin’s reactions whenever she pressed an issue or took a firm stand. Needless to say, they weren’t the best of friends. I ushered her up the steps, taking care that she didn’t lose her balance. “Let’s get inside before the service starts.”
“Fine. But the longer you take, the longer it’ll be before I have grandbabies to snuggle with.”
And there it was—both the reason for her extreme interest and the root cause of my unending anxiety. The wall that would always stand between me and true happiness.
Mom approached the doors slowly and lowered her voice. “You’re no spring chicken.”
“Thanks for the reminder.”
“I’m being serious. You and Colin need to get a move on. I’m the only one of my friends who doesn’t have grandchildren. Do you know what that’s like?” She squared her shoulders. “No pictures to show, no plays to attend, no awful coloring pages stuck to my refrigerator.”
“I’m sure there are worse things in life.” Though I couldn’t imagine what. I placed my finger to my lips. “Shhh.”
She drew her chin up and whispered rather loudly, “All I’m saying is that you’re a good-looking couple. Once you have babies, my pictures will put that Marva Beecham to shame.”
“I’ll do the best I can.” I turned my cell phone to silent mode.
“Whatever’s going on with you and Colin, work it out.” She patted my arm. “Then you can get busy, if you know what I mean.”
“I know, I know, I know.” As usual, her pushing had made me rigid and cranky. And it really wasn’t a wonder that I refused to be pushy and confrontational with Colin.
The late afternoon sun badgered the boutique at New Heights. I pulled the sheer curtains across the window, though they did little to disperse the heat. Kaitlyn fanned herself, her face flushed.
I angled the small fan toward her. “Sorry about the heat. It gets pretty bad in here during the summer. We’ll have to get new blinds.” There was little chance of that happening, despite the influx of grant money. Those funds were directed toward more practical purposes, like staffing.
Kaitlyn’s mouth puckered with worry.
“Do you want to talk? Is everything okay?”
“As okay as it can be. I’ll be fine. I just need to keep busy with my work.” She was entirely too young for the wrinkles spidering across her forehead. She stopped fanning herself and hung a maternity dress on the rack.
“You’ve seriously done wonders in here.” The clothing that had previously been heaped into less-than-tidy piles was now neatly hung on racks, and baby goods had been cleaned and separated onto shelving units against the wall. “I’m impressed. I don’t know where you get the energy.”
“Some days I don’t know either. Guess you learn to do what needs to be done. I have a feeling I’ll be getting better at doing that.” She flashed a brave grin, a thin veneer to mask her worry.
I reeled her into a quick side hug. “You are going to make a great mom.”
The expression on her face froze. She bit her lower lip until it turned white. “I … I haven’t decided what I want to do. I mean—Christina was talking about adoption, and I just got to thinking …” Her voice trailed again, and she offered a slight shrug.
A weighty sigh filled my lungs. How had I become attached to Kaitlyn and her baby so fast? Though I took an interest in all our clients, this was different. She was different. Maybe it was because I’d been struggling against infertility for so long and my time was running out. In Kaitlyn I saw so many things that I wanted for myself.
I turned the fan full blast. “It’s a perfectly viable choice. I guess I hadn’t realized you were considering it.”
“I’m just thinking through my options.” She studied the flimsy curtains with a distant longing in her eyes. “It’s so hard to know what’s right, or what I will or won’t regret in the future. What if I make the wrong choice and screw everything up? I always thought I was ready for life and the real world, but this is big.”
“It is, but this is where you’re at right now. It’s good that you’re taking time to think clearly and get ready for the future. And believe me, you’re not someone who’s going to screw everything up.” Quietly I prayed for the wisdom to offer helpful words without overstepping her personal boundaries. “Have you talked to your family yet?”
“No.”
I leaned on a clothing rack. “Is there anyone close to you that you can confide in?”
“I’m pretty close to my roommate, but she moved to Mountainside for the summer. That’s where my family is too.” She grabbed a few items off the rack and sorted by color. “At this point, I’m closer to you and Christina than anyone else. I know that sounds ridiculous since I barely started working here, but I feel like I’ve known you forever.”
“Well, I have been going to The Bean for ages.”
A sly grin illuminated her face. “You really get to know a person by their coffee order.”
“Mine probably says I don’t sleep nearly enough.”
“Among other things.”
“Such as?”
She laughed. “It’s a trade secret.”
For a few minutes we worked companionably, unloading the last box of donations that had come in during the night. I’d already had one appointment this morning and two booked for late afternoon, but New Heights was quiet for the moment. It was hard to know whether to be thankful for the reprieve or disquieted because my thoughts always pummeled me most when I wasn’t distracted with other people.
After my conversation with Mom, failure had hollowed out a niche in my chest and lodged itself tightly. Why I’d ever opened up to her I couldn’t figure, other than I needed to know someone had my back. Someone besides Tristan, who’d started to look at me differently over the past few months since he discovered Colin and I had issues. Perhaps his sidelong glances were my imagination drumming up interest from a man—any man—since my husband was clearly uninterested. I chalked up Tristan’s unusual closeness to that, because to dwell on the possibilities was dangerous.
“To answer your question, I haven’t told anyone yet.” Kaitlyn’s confession sliced through my thoughts, bringing me back to the present. She continued to sort through the box, separating the baby toys from the blankets, never lifting her gaze.
“Why?” Though I understood her situation was different, as every mother’s was, I couldn’t fathom keeping such news to myself.
Kaitlyn paused her work and stared at nothing. “I could say that the baby’s father wouldn’t give me the chance, or I could say that my parents won’t understand, but that would be dishonest.” She looked at me with confusion and sadness.
I raised an eyebrow, hoping she’d continue without my having to probe.
Her shoulders lifted with a deep, weighted breath. “The truth is, I’m scared.”
“Of?”
“Rejection.”
“You said that you’ve already broken it off with the baby’s father.” I didn’t mention that it was clearly the other way around. There was no use pointing it out. I grabbed a pile of baby clothes to sort.
“It’s hard to explain.” Her brow wrinkled as she considered her words, how much she wanted to reveal. “It’s like … I keep hoping he’ll come to his senses without me telling him. That way I’ll always know he came back for me.” Her neck bobbed with a thick swallow. “If I come right out and tell him, it’s like my last hope. If he doesn’t come back knowing that I’m pregnant, he never will. But as long as I haven’t told him, I can still hope.”
My heart deflated. Who could reject such a sweet young woman, the perfect blend
of potential, innocence, and kindness? Anger quickly replaced sadness. I set the pile of clothing aside. “If that’s the kind of person he is, you’re really better off without him. I know it probably doesn’t feel like it right now, but you can do this—whatever you decide. You’re not the first single mother and you won’t be the last, but you are one of the strongest I’ve met. You have a strong work ethic and a good head on your shoulders.” I strengthened my tone and forced her to look me in the eye. “You can do this.”
She breathed slowly and nodded, as if to convince herself. “I can.” Her meek voice betrayed her beliefs.
“You’re about ten weeks along now, aren’t you?”
“Exactly.”
“Follow me. There’s something I want you to hear.”
CHAPTER 18
Kaitlyn
The gel was warm on her belly, but Kaitlyn still shivered. She steadied her breathing as she watched Marissa pull a contraption from a drawer next to the examination table.
“It might be a little early, but it’s possible we’ll hear the baby’s heartbeat.” Though Marissa’s smile was genuine, sadness tinged her hazel eyes. The same sadness had been there before, but outright asking about it seemed like a bad idea no matter how much Kaitlyn wanted to know. Hopefully there would be a right time and she could repay the kindness that had been her strength over the last few weeks.
Kaitlyn adjusted the towel tucked into the waistband of her capris and squirmed to get comfortable.
“Lie still and we’ll see what we find.” Marissa turned on the small machine. “This is called a Doppler, and I’m going to use the wand to detect sound.”
The pressure of the wand made Kaitlyn wish she’d used the restroom—a room she frequented all too often nowadays. Static pulsed from the box. “Is everything okay? I don’t hear a heartbeat.” Except her own, pounding in her ears. Until this moment, she hadn’t realized how much she wanted everything to be okay with the baby. As hard as it was to adjust to the idea of being an unwed mother, the thought of losing the baby suddenly seemed more frightening.
“Wait for it.” Marissa cocked her head and listened intently. “There it is.”
“I don’t hear anything.”
Marissa adjusted the volume. “It doesn’t quite sound like you’d expect.”
A rapid whoosh-whoosh pulsed through the box, sounding more like an out-of-control washing machine than a tiny baby. “It sounds fast. I haven’t been drinking caffeine—promise.”
A warm smile spread across Marissa’s face. “I can’t give you medical advice, but your baby’s heart sounds about as strong and normal as I’ve heard at this stage.”
Kaitlyn relaxed and listened as a tear slid down her face. What had only been a “problem” and a constant source of anxiety was now a little life that needed protection and love. A baby, tiny and full of potential.
Marissa handed her a tissue. “Isn’t it wonderful?”
Her throat constricted, and a nod was all Kaitlyn could manage. She swiped her cheek with the tissue and took a deep breath that infused her with resolve. “Thank you. I needed this.”
“I know.” Marissa smiled warmly and turned off the box. “Amazing, isn’t it?”
“True confession,” Kaitlyn said as she wiped the goo from her stomach. “I still haven’t been to the doctor. I have an appointment, but I can’t even tell you how many times I almost canceled.”
Marissa looked away. “I know the feeling.”
Unease crept over Kaitlyn. She wanted to ask Marissa about her family, or if she and Tristan even had one. Neither one seemed to have pictures of kids at New Heights, but come to think of it, they weren’t really affectionate either, other than an occasional hug or shoulder pat. Kaitlyn always assumed they were just a private couple.
What if Marissa had lost a baby? That would explain why there was sadness in her eyes, but the likelihood of someone staying in this line of work under those circumstances seemed pretty small.
Kaitlyn sat up and adjusted her shirt and waistband. “What should I do with the towel?”
“The hamper is in the corner. Every few days I take it home and wash everything.” Marissa busied herself at her desk. Silent moments passed. “If you’d like, I can come with you to your appointment.” She looked up with such a grace-filled expression that Kaitlyn wanted to weep. “It’s your choice. I just wanted you to know the option is there for you.”
“I appreciate that—more than you know.” Obviously the baby’s father went to the first appointment with most new moms, but the chance that Colin would come around grew dimmer with each day that passed.
Which was totally unfair to the tiny life growing inside her.
“Do you mind if I make a phone call?” She scooted off the bed.
“It’s pretty slow right now. Go ahead. Do you need to use my phone?” Marissa stepped out of the way. “I’ll leave you to it.”
With the door closed, Kaitlyn mustered enough courage to lift the receiver. If she called from a different number like the day she’d called from The Bean, Colin might actually answer. She dialed, formulating what she’d say. She’d have to come right out with it before he hung up—nothing fancy, nothing perfect. Definitely not the way she ever would have planned, but it was her only choice.
Her heart hammered harder with each ring. This was it. No excuses. Even if he rejected her, she at least would have done her duty. It was up to Colin whether or not he wanted to do his.
After several seconds, it clicked over to voice mail.
Kaitlyn stiffened as adrenaline continued to pump through her veins.
Leave a message or hang up? She set the receiver in the cradle, realizing she had no idea what to say to a machine. She’d come so close to getting it over with and forcing him to face the issue.
She marched out of the office and into the kitchen to get her cell phone from her purse. Quickly, she punched in a text message before she could talk herself out of it.
One way or another, Colin was finding out today.
CHAPTER 19
Colin
I‘M PREGNANT. THE BABY IS YOURS.
Colin stared at his phone in stunned silence. Why would Kaitlyn send this text to him? Did she really think she could win him back this way?
Laughable.
If it wasn’t so outrageous.
He turned the ringer off his phone and shoved it into his desk drawer. No way would he respond to her ridiculous ploy. Answering her would only play into whatever it was she was trying to accomplish. It wasn’t unheard of for a young woman to be a little clingy to the person she called her first love—he’d grown squeamish when she’d told him—but saying she was pregnant bordered on delusional.
Colin wiggled the mouse on his desk and focused on all the emails he needed to shoot off before the end of the day. More meetings, another request for documentation pertaining to tenure, correspondence with the editor of the journal. Each email blurred into the next until he was no longer typing but clicking his pen between his restless fingers.
“Knock, knock.” The student worker appeared in his doorway, eyes shining. “Did you return Dr. McFee’s call?”
Quickly, he scanned his desk for the message. “I—No.” He sifted through paperwork.
“Sorry, but I didn’t write it down. I told you when you came in. Also, a student phoned but she didn’t leave a message.”
He wiped his hands on his khakis, leaving a faint damp trail.
The girl lingered until he looked up. “Are you all right?”
Colin swallowed and waited a beat. “Why do you ask?”
She motioned to her forehead. “You’re—I mean, maybe it’s just hot in here. Do we need to put a call into maintenance about your air-conditioning?”
He swiped his brow, taken aback by the moisture, and he began to note the erratic rhythm of his heart. Air—he needed air. He rose and opened the window, keeping his back to her. “That’d be great.”
“I’ll get right on it, Dr. Kimball.�
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He trained his eyes on the grassy quadrangle. “Can you close the door on your way out?”
The door clicked. Colin released his breath in a long whoosh. He spun and opened his desk drawer and pulled out his phone. Maybe she’d left a follow-up message, an “oops” with an apology. She’d realized she texted the wrong guy. And anyway, if she really was pregnant—an impossibility, as far as he was concerned—she wouldn’t send a text.
No new messages.
He closed his eyes and tried to count how many times she’d tried to talk to him, even saying it was urgent. But the situation didn’t add up.
First, judging by the issues he had with Marissa, he probably wasn’t even capable of fathering a child. Second, she’d said she was on the pill for other medical reasons, though she hadn’t offered further explanation. And then there was the fact they’d only been together a few times before guilt had taken a bite out of his conscience.
But it didn’t necessarily take more than once—as a biology professor, he knew better than anyone.
Colin slumped into his chair and rubbed his forehead. The odds of there being a baby and that baby being his were miniscule. It was just the type of thing a desperate young coed would invent to try to save a relationship. He’d heard it a thousand times around campus. He just didn’t think Kaitlyn would be one of them.
Quickly, he deleted her previous text. Even with Adam’s name still attached to that phone number, Marissa would know it wasn’t really Adam if she happened to read it. He tossed his cell back into the drawer and tried to refocus on the pile of work in front of him.
The phone rang in the lobby.
Colin’s heart stuttered. What if that was Kaitlyn? Even if she was lying in order to trap him, she could do real damage to his career. Though she’d promised not to tell anyone, she’d obviously reached a new level of desperation. Now he had no choice but to confront her. Maybe he’d go see her tomorrow after he had a chance to calm down.
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