Shadows of Hope

by Georgiana Daniels

  Her expression, incredulous and hurt, pierced him. She clutched the charm on her necklace and raced it back and forth across the chain he’d given her. “You really thought I made it up? Why, to trap you into being with me? I’m not some desperate young student out to get a man. I guess we don’t know each other as well as I thought.”

  “I didn’t mean—”

  “I don’t care what you meant. You’re showing a really ugly side of yourself, and if that’s who you are then I don’t want to be with you.” She turned from him and strode away with finality in every step.

  After a moment of indecision, Colin scrambled after her before she could climb inside her car. He caught her by the arm. “Wait, please.”

  Kaitlyn stopped but refused to look at him. “I can’t believe you came here to see if I was telling the truth. Then what, you were hoping to be off the hook? Guess what, there is no hook. I only told you because it was the right thing to do, but you don’t have to feel obligated to help. I can do this by myself. I have new friends, a new job—”

  “You took a second job?” His stomach soured as he realized that not only had she taken on a second job, but her pregnancy was the reason she’d quit school. Remorse assaulted him. He scrubbed his face with his hands, wishing he could walk back the clock and undo the unthinkable.

  “Yes. I have to find a way to support the baby.” Her voice strengthened with each word.

  Colin floundered. “I … don’t know what to say. This is overwhelming.”

  She grimaced. “Welcome to my life.”

  “You don’t understand.” He plumbed his thoughts for a way to express his feelings without crossing the invisible line that would reel them back together. “I want to be there for you—I want to be with you. But I can’t.”

  Kaitlyn’s head tilted back, and she released an exasperated sigh. “You’ve given me every excuse in the book, starting with your job. But as I see it, you’re a grown man and you can do what you want with your life. The way you had us running around in secret, it’s almost like you’re …” Her eyes saucered.

  Time stopped.

  The cars in the drive-through, the man at the back door still staring at them, the fact that Colin’s heart rate tripled—none of it mattered.

  “That’s right, Kaitlyn,” he said as he wheeled in a breath to fortify his nerves, realizing his life was about to change forever. “I’m married.”

  CHAPTER 22

  Marissa

  Every year we vowed not to go through another summer without air-conditioning, and every summer there were a thousand reasons we had to. At least according to Tristan.

  “Even with the grant, we just can’t afford it.” His chair squealed as he leaned back, hands clasped behind his head. His dark eyes studied me until I looked away.

  I soaked in the atmosphere of his office, sparsely decorated but filled with peace. Books and plants, cheap imprints of famous works—nothing to hint at his personal life or interests but designed to completely put one at ease. “Our clients are hot. That’s what happens when you’re pregnant.”

  “We could reduce hours and I can pick up the slack. We don’t really need two workers.”

  “No,” I cut in before he could entertain the idea. “Things are working out really well with Kaitlyn and Christina. I feel like we finally have a real staff—people who can relate to our clients. They’re only part time so they can’t be costing us that much.”

  “But air-conditioning would cost us that much.” He leveled his gaze at me until I finally relented.

  “Fine. I just hate seeing everyone leave my office sweating. It makes me nervous.” I wrinkled my nose.

  Tristan chuckled, lightening my mood. I loved him for that.

  “How’s your book coming?” I shot a glance at his laptop.

  “Wait—how did you know? I haven’t told anyone.”

  “I didn’t. Just took a wild guess. I figured there was a reason you’re locked in here pecking away at the keys between clients.” I leaned over his desk and tried to peek at the screen.

  Tristan quickly angled it out of my line of sight. “I figured it couldn’t hurt to look for a supplementary source of income, that’s all. My private practice is okay, but you know how it goes.”

  “It’s not like you haven’t talked about writing a book before.” It had been several years, but how well I remembered his dreams. I admired that he dared to dream them. If anyone could pull it off, it was Tristan. “And I agree, we probably both need an additional income stream for the days ahead.”

  His lips thinned. “Don’t tell me you’re going to be one of those desperate people who tries to save a marriage by having a baby.”

  “Of course not.” I watched a butterfly dance outside the window instead of really thinking about his words. Besides, my chances now were slimmer than ever since I’d once again postponed my appointment with the fertility doctor. If I failed with medical intervention, then that was it. I wasn’t ready to face a dead end, especially since Colin didn’t think adoption was a good answer. “Just … I know how hard the grants to fund this place are to come by. That’s what I meant.”

  Tristan pinched the bridge of his nose and once again leaned back in his chair. His brow furrowed. I didn’t like it when his brow furrowed—it meant he was about to start probing, and that was the last thing I needed.

  “I’d better get going. I have a client coming in soon—if you consider an hour from now soon.” I forced a laugh.

  “Your favorite defense mechanism is showing again.” He offered a feeble smile.

  I gestured toward him and feigned annoyance. “Quit trying to analyze me.”

  “I wouldn’t do that—it wouldn’t be ethical.”

  “You do it every day.”

  “I love when you call me out on things, but we’re talking about you.”

  “Well, let’s not.”

  Moments passed before he spoke. “I know you don’t want to get personal, but it’s too late. I already know you that well.”

  I scoffed. Folded my arms. Glared.

  “Before you dismiss me, listen.” He turned on his therapist voice. “It’s okay to need help sometimes, and if you don’t want to talk to me—as a friend—I can refer you to someone. I think Dr. Graves would be perfect.”

  “Why would I spill my guts to a stranger?”

  “You don’t have to spill your guts. But maybe she can help you balance out—get rid of the high-highs and the low-lows.”

  “I don’t have high-highs and low-lows.” Lately, they were all lows. “And don’t you dare suggest medicating me.”

  “I said no such thing.”

  “You were about to.”

  “You’re not a mind reader.”

  “You wish.” I smiled, pleased I’d changed the subject.

  Success was fleeting. “Have you talked to Colin?”

  “About what?” My throat tightened.

  He smirked, shifting into friend mode instead of let-me-refer-you-for-help mode. “The weather—what do you think?”

  I relaxed a fraction. “No. I don’t think I need to anymore, and besides that, he’s busy now with the whole tenure situation.”

  “So everything you’ve been suspecting—all gone?”

  “Don’t sound so incredulous. I mean, yes, all gone.” With my fingers I started ticking off the ways I knew my husband was faithful. “He comes home almost on time, he’s not disappearing at odd times, and it feels like he’s almost trying.”

  “Almost trying.”

  “That’s what I said. Look, it’s not perfect, he’s not perfect, but my gut feeling over the last few weeks tells me that everything is fine.”

  “Fine.”

  “Quit repeating me.”

  “Repeating you is the only way I can get you to hear your own words.” He shrugged as though his reasonableness should win me over.

  And it did. Thoughts that I’d cataloged and tucked away surfaced before I could squash them. “The obvious things—t
exting and whatnot—those have stopped, as far as I know.” I drew a deep breath to steady myself. “But he is acting strangely, even for him.”

  Tristan’s eyebrow quirked. “Such as …”

  “I know he’s under stress at work, but his moodiness—especially over the last few days—I haven’t ever seen him like this. It’s almost like he’s skittish and sad and …”

  “Hmmm.” Tristan’s sigh was noncommittal. “As a friend, I still think you need to talk to him. Get everything out in the open.”

  Like that would help. Negative anticipation surged inside me as I considered the possibilities. “Maybe.”

  “In Marissa-speak, that means no.”

  I met his gaze head-on. “Don’t sound so sure of yourself.”

  “You like that about me.”

  “Does your new girlfriend like that about you?” I grinned as a flush crept up his neck and settled in his face.

  “Probably.” Not even a hint of a smile touched his mouth. “But she doesn’t know me like you do.”

  I looked away. “I really should get busy. Kaitlyn will be here soon, and there are a ton of donation boxes to sort.”

  As if on cue, the chime on the front door pinged and Kaitlyn walked in. “Hello?” she called out. She was punctual and quiet, calm and efficient. Maybe that was what I liked so much about her. Though we were opposites, she had a steadying effect on me. Maybe that’s why when she was around, I wasn’t vacillating between high-highs and low-lows. I was there to support her, and my behavior, as far as I could tell, was normal.

  “Back here.” I rose from my seat and shot a glance at Tristan. “Have fun with your book.”

  CHAPTER 23

  Kaitlyn

  Married.

  The word made her want to barf, but to be fair, everything made her want to barf. She felt even more dirty and used than she had before, and that was saying a lot. So much for Colin changing his mind and being involved in the baby’s life. Now her fate, and the baby’s, was certain.

  She curled up in her comfy chair and switched on the television. Mindless viewing seemed to be about all she could manage after working two jobs.

  Kaitlyn had slogged through the days since Colin’s surprise visit to The Bean with a smile planted on her face that she knew wasn’t genuine. The only person who really seemed to notice was Marissa, but she never pried. Kaitlyn liked that about her boss—no, friend.

  With Sydney gone, Kaitlyn had come to rely on Marissa. They filled the space between clients with friendly chatter, and even the silences weren’t uncomfortable like they were with some people. There was nothing boss-like about the older woman, no unreasonable demands or cross looks on the rare occasions that Kaitlyn flew into New Heights late, no feeling of being watched. At New Heights, she was free to be herself, complete with the ups and downs she was coming to associate with a rush of hormones and a big change in her life.

  A day-old piece of coffee cake stared at her from the counter—a nice perk for employees of The Bean. It never had been good for her waistline, but that didn’t matter now. She meandered to the kitchen and plopped onto a barstool. She stared out at the night sky and nibbled on the cake. It didn’t really taste the same as it used to, but she needed to eat something. Mom’s pot roast sounded good, with tiny potatoes and gravy, but considering she was still hiding her secret, dinner with her parents was unlikely.

  She sighed and slid the plate away, unsatisfied.

  The doorbell rang, rattling her thoughts and jump-starting her pulse. Colin—it had to be. He’d only come here once in passing, but maybe now he was coming to make things right.

  Only he couldn’t. He was married.

  The doorbell rang again. She climbed off the barstool and checked her face in the tiny mirror on the wall next to the phone. Matted hair and no makeup. Great. Not that it mattered.

  She dusted the crumbs off her shirt as she hustled across the hardwood floor in slippery socks. She pressed her eye to the peephole and her hopes sank, then lifted.

  Marissa.

  “Come on in.” She closed the door after Marissa entered. “What brings you by? How did you even know where I live?”

  “I looked it up on your application. I know that’s probably violating all kinds of laws, so … sue me.” Marissa grinned and held out a brown sack. “I had some extra dinner and thought you might like some.”

  Kaitlyn took the bag and peered inside. She pulled out the wrapped sandwich. “Thank you. What kind is it?”

  “Roast beef. Hopefully it’s not too heavy for your stomach.”

  Kaitlyn startled. It was almost as if God had answered an unspoken prayer, though the likelihood of that in her sinful state was nil. “It’s perfect. Come in and sit with me.” She led Marissa to the counter and offered her the empty barstool while she cleared her old school books off the other. “It’s been a while since I’ve had company. You’ll have to excuse the mess.”

  “Looks fine to me. You’ve been pretty busy.” Marissa hung her purse on the back of the chair and leaned on the counter. “Eat up. I have a feeling you’re not gaining nearly as much weight as you should.”

  “Is that your professional opinion?” Kaitlyn took a hesitant bite and absorbed the flavors. Juicy roast, mayo, and a hint of horseradish. It worked surprisingly well. She launched into another bite.

  “The usual disclaimer, I’m not a doctor and blah, blah. But yes, I thought it would be good to make sure you’re eating enough—enough of the right foods.” Marissa eyed the coffee cake. “What does your doctor say?”

  Kaitlyn groaned and motioned to her full mouth. No way did she want to admit she hadn’t gone yet, not after how much concern her friend/boss had shown over the past month. It was embarrassing to admit how often she—a grown woman—had chickened out. She swallowed. “This is a great sandwich. Thanks so much for bringing it by. I guess I haven’t been eating well.”

  Marissa took a seat and shot a glance at the refrigerator, presumably wondering if there was enough food in the house. Shame nibbled at Kaitlyn, knowing that people would assume that as a single mother she couldn’t take care of herself. Hadn’t she had many of the same preconceived ideas before she became one herself? Not that it was entirely untrue, but she certainly had enough money for food and rent.

  Quiet buffered the room, and Marissa shifted in the swivel chair before speaking. “I didn’t want to bring this up at work, and if I’m being too nosy you can tell me. It won’t hurt my feelings.”

  Kaitlyn’s stomach turned. She set down the sandwich. There were about a thousand things she didn’t want to talk about, even with Marissa. The fact that the father of her child admitted he was married topped the list. “What’s on your mind?” she asked tentatively.

  “Tell me how you really are.” Marissa held up her hand as if to ward off objections. “I know you say you’re fine, but … I know.”

  Panic lit inside Kaitlyn. How much did Marissa know? How much was she willing to admit? Colin was right—this town was too small to get away with anything. She closed her eyes. “I don’t know what to say.”

  “I know this kind of life change can’t be easy.”

  The panic subsided, and Kaitlyn opened her eyes. “Right, of course. It’s not, but now that I have a job at New Heights and school is on the back burner, I suspect everything will smooth out.” She tamped down the shame of Colin’s revelation and what it meant for her and the baby. “Eventually.”

  “I’m glad that having a second job is working out for you, but that’s not what I meant.”

  That’s what she was afraid of. Kaitlyn pasted on a phony smile. “You caught me. I haven’t called the doctor.”

  “And your parents?” Marissa’s expression remained neutral but firm.

  Kaitlyn lowered her eyes and shook her head. “I know it shouldn’t be this hard, but I haven’t. I just don’t know how.”

  “Well, for goodness’ sake, don’t put it in a text.”

  “Why would I do that?”

&
nbsp; Marissa’s eyes widened. “Isn’t that how you told your baby’s father?”

  “I guess I did do that.” Kaitlyn winced then glanced at her stomach. It pooched out, just a fraction, but noticeable to her. “I can’t hide it forever, but there’s just no good way to talk to them.”

  Marissa laid her hand on Kaitlyn’s arm and leaned close. “Really, what’s the worst that could happen? You are a smart, well-adjusted woman, and you have a good head on your shoulders. In my book, that means your parents can’t be all bad.”

  “They’re not.” Kaitlyn was quick to jump in.

  “Then why won’t you talk to them? Sure, they might be upset at first, but they’ll get over it and come to realize they have a grandchild on the way.” Her eyes sparkled with hope and assurance that Kaitlyn wished she could tap into.

  “You’re right, sort of. I mean …” She paused, searching for a way to account for her lack of confidence. “I’m a grown woman. It’s not like I’m in high school, right?”

  Marissa nodded but said nothing.

  “It’s just that I’m afraid they’ll judge me.”

  “Is that the type of relationship you have with them?”

  “Yes and no.” Kaitlyn tried to think of a way to put their relationship into words. “I love them, and I know they love me, even if we don’t always get along. Sometimes their love for me feels harsh, but it’s always there. I can always count on it, from both of my parents. Sometimes when one is angry I can go to the other, and vice versa.” She rubbed her stomach—an annoying habit she’d caught herself doing a lot lately. “That’s one thing that makes me sad for my baby—if I decide to keep it—that they’ll only have me. No father.” She choked down the ever-present lump in her throat. “I’m afraid I won’t be enough.”

  “Are you still considering adoption? It’s a viable choice.” Marissa’s words held no judgment, thankfully.

  Kaitlyn sloughed it off as though the decision hadn’t kept her up late into the night, every night. “I’m still considering it. A baby should have both parents whenever possible—at least I think so. I can’t imagine what my life would’ve been like without my dad. I can’t see how life without a dad would turn out well.”