Shadows of Hope

by Georgiana Daniels

Kaitlyn poured herself a glass of milk and glanced over at him. “You want some? It’s all I have.”

  He shook his head. “I’m good.”

  Rain pattered against the window and smudged the view, but the sound of it soothed him. Kaitlyn ambled over to the window and stood within reach. The urge to hug her nearly overpowered him, but he folded his arms across his chest. He wanted to hold her and tell her that everything would turn out okay and life would be good, but even he didn’t know that to be true.

  “When is your due date?” he asked casually.

  “You mean our due date.” She glanced over her shoulder and flashed a challenging smile before turning away again. Traces of her strawberry shampoo lingered in the air. She was so close he could reach out and twine his fingers in her hair the way he used to when they snuggled in the car at the scenic overlook. When it was just the two of them and nothing else in the world—his job, his wife, his own life—mattered as much as being with a woman who admired him the way Kaitlyn did.

  “Our due date.” He repeated the phrase in his head, allowing reality to soak in. He was going to be a father—technically already was. “All right, when are we due?”

  Kaitlyn chugged the milk and set the empty glass on the end table before she faced him and smiled. “Christmas.”

  Colin flinched. Much sooner than he’d anticipated. His gaze drifted to her belly. “That’s … wow.”

  She scoffed before easing into a thin smile and rubbing her stomach. “I guess that was my initial reaction too.”

  “We need to start making plans.” He sounded way more confident than he felt.

  “That’s kind of hard when you’re married. Three’s a crowd and whatnot.” She folded her arms and turned her gaze back to the mountain.

  “Are you saying that if I wasn’t married we would be together?”

  Kaitlyn whipped around, horror etched on her delicate face. “You are the one who broke it off with me, who wouldn’t let me come by your office, who refused my calls, ignored my texts. Or have you already forgotten? Just because I’m pregnant doesn’t mean that changes anything between us.”

  “But if I hadn’t—”

  “You did and nothing can change that.” She stepped around him and paced the worn rug. “And had I known you were married, I’d never have been with you. Our relationship actually meant something to me—I thought it was real. Instead I find out you were just keeping me on the side.”

  Colin stormed to the kitchen and leaned his fists on the counter. “No—I didn’t think of you that way. That was the problem—I fell too hard and did all the wrong things. I didn’t want to give you up. I wasn’t just ‘keeping you on the side.’”

  “But that’s how you treated me, and I let you! If that’s not bad enough, what about your poor wife?”

  “I told you to keep her out of it.” Instantly he regretted his venomous tone, but he was desperate, so very desperate to keep his two crumbling worlds apart as long as possible.

  “You’re the one who wanted to talk,” Kaitlyn countered, “and she’s an important part of what’s happening. You might want to start with telling me her name.”

  “Don’t go there. I’m handling it. I told her about the baby, end of story.” At least as far as Kaitlyn needed to be concerned. “You need to understand that some things have to stay private. Besides, I’m up for tenure, and I could lose my job if anyone finds out. Trust me, you don’t want that to happen.”

  She rubbed her temples, clearly exasperated. “Forget your job for a minute. Whether you realize it or not, how involved you are in our child’s life is in your wife’s hands.”

  The truth landed like a hard slap. He’d always been in charge and made the decisions, but when he really stopped to consider, Marissa always had a way of controlling him behind the scenes. Subtle manipulation. Wasn’t that what his family had been telling him all along? For years her shifting moods had trumped everything.

  What if she didn’t want him to be part of his child’s life? It would be inconsistent, considering the job she devoted herself to. She loved babies, and in the back of his mind it hadn’t occurred to him that she’d throw up a roadblock.

  Finally he ceded the point. “My wife and I are still working through it, but I stand by what I said before—I want this baby. I plan to be involved as much as you’ll let me.”

  For the moment, Kaitlyn seemed content to let it go. She rubbed her belly again.

  “Can you feel it move?”

  Her nose wrinkled. “Don’t call our baby ‘it.’”

  “Don’t tell me you’ve already picked out a name.”

  “Not yet, but …” She glanced down, her cheeks reddening. “I’ve been calling the baby Little Nugget.”

  “Little Nugget?”

  She giggled, a glimpse of the Kaitlyn he adored. “Don’t make fun of me. Back when the baby was the size of a nugget, it stuck in my head.”

  Colin drank in the sight of the young woman carrying his child. “Little Nugget it is. Can you feel Little Nugget move?”

  “Not really. A few flutters, but I’m not sure if that’s Little Nugget or indigestion.” She smiled, her green eyes lit with the affection she’d had for him. “This month I get to find out if we’re having a boy or a girl.”

  “That’s really exciting.” More than anything, Colin wanted to go with her to the appointment, to be present for every stage of development. This was what he’d been waiting for. But even though he was sure he’d figure out a way to deal with Marissa, Dr. Crank and the others didn’t know about it at work. Their decision would be coming down anytime now. If it came out that he’d had an affair with a student, there was no way he’d get tenure, even if she wasn’t enrolled anymore. He still had to keep it quiet, at least until he could figure out how to juggle all the balls. There would be no doctor visits for him.

  He edged closer and willed Kaitlyn not to move away. “So tell me about work. Have you cut back on hours?”

  “No. In fact, I picked up more at my other part-time job.”

  “Is that a good idea? Where are you working?”

  Kaitlyn took a step backward. “We’re not together anymore, so if you want me to stay out of your business, you need to stay out of mine.”

  Kaitlyn

  At first it felt like tiny air bubbles popping inside her abdomen, but when the bubbles became fluttery butterfly wings, Kaitlyn knew—it was Little Nugget. She’d been enjoying the private moment until Colin showed up.

  Now he was here, and he wanted her.

  Or did he? The hungry glint in his eyes since he walked in, rain-soaked and uneasy, was in total contradiction to the words he wasn’t saying. Maybe he was just as confused as she was, especially since he had a wife at home to consider. Were they going to stay together? If she were in his wife’s shoes, she wouldn’t dream of staying with him, not in this lifetime. But all she could glean from the conversation so far was that his wife knew and he’d deal with her. No clues about what his wife was thinking or whether they were staying together.

  But it didn’t matter anymore, not to Kaitlyn. She didn’t want a man who cheated on his wife—of that she was certain. The only capacity in which it mattered to her was how involved Colin could be with their child, which depended entirely on his wife.

  Kaitlyn resumed her place in front of the picture window and felt her stomach, smiling at the flutter that was so soft it might just as well be her imagination.

  “I want to help.” Colin’s breath feathered the back of her neck.

  She stiffened. “There’s not much you can do, at least not yet. I suppose at some point I’ll need to start buying stuff for the baby.”

  “What about food?”

  Kaitlyn moved away from him. She sat on a barstool at the kitchen counter, a safe distance from Colin. Fire still burned inside her gut every time she considered the way he’d lied and used her, allowing her to believe that what they had was the first hint of love. But if she wasn’t careful, if she didn’t stay co
mpletely guarded, then his confident stride and beckoning eyes would undo her resolve.

  She just wasn’t that strong.

  Colin swaggered into the kitchen and started opening and closing the mostly empty cabinets, causing Kaitlyn to cringe. When they were together Colin had made her feel beautiful and strong, full of life and capable of accomplishing anything. The last thing she wanted now was for him to think she couldn’t take care of herself.

  “I eat at work,” she said, rushing up behind him and closing the cupboard, barely missing his fingers.

  He jerked his hand back and cocked an easy grin. “Is that so?” His eyes grazed her stomach then moved slowly up to gauge her expression. He stood close, too close, with one arm against the cupboard and the other on his waist. “That’s my baby too, and I need to make sure Little Nugget is getting enough nutrition.”

  His words, a reminder of their intimate time together, sent a shiver down her spine. The idea of having a tiny piece of Colin inside her was beautiful and horrible at the same time. She pulled her gaze away before she weakened. “Of course I eat at work. It saves time.” She moved around him and replanted herself in front of the window. Mountains—focus on the mountains and the way the sunlight peeked through the clouds and cast rays across the forest.

  “I can give you money.”

  She flinched.

  “I didn’t mean it that way.” The sound of his shoes on the floor warned of his nearness. “I want to help. I want to do all the things that expectant dads do.”

  Kaitlyn whipped around to face him. “Really? Like paint the nursery and come to all my doctor appointments?”

  “What if I said yes?” He didn’t look so sure of himself.

  “Then I’d say I already have someone who wants to come with me.” She folded her arms in defiance.

  “Are you trying to tell me there’s someone else?” His challenging expression shrank.

  Let Colin hang from the noose of his own making. “Does it matter?” She refused to admit that her boss—and these days closest friend—had offered to come with her anytime she wanted.

  “It does.” His back went rigid. “For the same reason you said my wife matters.”

  “Well, not to worry—I’ll handle it.”

  Colin looked away, his mouth firm. “Touché.”

  Kaitlyn leaned her head against the cool window and closed her eyes. She rubbed her stomach and tried to focus on the baby’s movements. Was it wrong to feel a smidgen of gladness over Colin’s jealousy? After pouring her heart into him, and the agony she’d felt at his rejection, she had to admit she was pleased that he didn’t want her with another man.

  And what did that say about her? Maybe her parents were right—she didn’t have a moral bone left in her body. She’d traded it all out for Colin’s demented version of a relationship. To his credit, he’d never actually used the word love, even though that was what she craved. What she’d craved from the beginning.

  Suddenly she felt his breath on the back of her neck. His hand slipped beneath hers to caress her stomach. The wall of his chest grazed her back without pressing closer.

  “What are you doing?” Her voice trembled.

  Colin’s hand whispered over her belly. “Little Nugget is my baby too.”

  CHAPTER 32

  Marissa

  Zumba.

  Of all the places I didn’t belong, this one topped the list.

  “I was running behind and was worried I’d missed you.” Kaitlyn’s eyes brightened when I moseyed inside the room with wall-to-wall mirrors, not to mention wall-to-wall women with top-of-the-line workout gear.

  I glanced down at my baggy sweatpants and T-shirt that said “Everything’s Better with Butter.” Slowly I eased into the room and shifted my gym bag to hide the picture of the giant cow that adorned my front side. “I’m not really sure I can—”

  “Of course you can.” Kaitlyn grabbed my hand and pulled me to the corner of the room where I set my bag next to a set of old hand weights. “You’re going to love it.”

  Feeling naked without my oversized bag, I heartily disagreed. I’d almost turned around and left when I purchased the visitor pass and saw what class my young friend had roped me into. But my car was in the shop and I’d relied on Tristan to drop me off. Now I was stuck. “So this is your favorite workout?”

  “Sure is!” she said as the music came on. “I found out the other day that my parents forgot to put a stop on the auto-payments to the gym, so I figured I might as well get some use out of the membership.”

  Sweet Kaitlyn. She was quite the study in contradiction. Grown up in so many ways but still relying on her parents for a gym membership. Responsible enough to work two jobs but irresponsible enough to be in the position to need to in the first place. I prayed life wouldn’t hit her too hard as it did so many single mothers.

  Like my own mom. Would she have been a little less demanding of me had she not needed to work so hard? More understanding, less anxious? What would her life have been like? What would my life have been like?

  Maybe I wouldn’t have had insecurity and its ugly sister jealousy hounding me growing up. Maybe I’d be more ambitious and ready to tackle whatever life threw at me with confidence. But I’d never know.

  I rubbed my arms against a sudden chill. “I still don’t know if this is a good idea.” The music began to thump louder and vibrate throughout the room.

  “You’ll thank me later,” she said as she dragged me right to the middle.

  “Can’t we stay in the back?” I cringed at the possibility of someone watching all my missteps and foibles.

  “You can see better from here.”

  I glanced around nervously at all the women—and a few men—in the room who were perfectly comfortable revealing more of themselves than I did even when I went to bed by myself. There was no way my body could compete with any other woman in the room.

  And that was the rub. Without my realizing it, I’d started to think of myself in competition with other women. How could I not? Back when I hadn’t been paying attention, someone had stolen my husband right out from under me. What kind of person could do something so low and horrible?

  I shoved those thoughts and images aside when the instructor appeared at the front of the room and started marching in place for a few beats before diving into pelvic swings that utilized muscles I hadn’t been in touch with for years. Pretty soon I was busy enough trying to follow the moves and keep in time to the Latin beat that I forgot all about my pity party.

  A few times I caught Kaitlyn smiling in my general direction whenever I mastered a particularly sassy move. Even she looked happy and relieved in a way I hadn’t seen since before her pregnancy when I only knew her from The Bean, and that made me smile even more. Maybe there was something to this exercise thing—something I’d always avoided at any cost in favor of curling up by the fire with a good book.

  The hour wore on as I wore out. I was careful to keep my eyes from veering toward my reflection lest I be discouraged. It didn’t take a mirror to know I was a sweaty mess and not the most coordinated woman in the room.

  But I felt good.

  Being a drippy mess was much better than holing up at home by myself, brooding and filled with angst, wondering where Colin really was when he was supposed to be at the college writing about his boring proteins. I was finally doing something for myself, and it helped to know that in some small way I was making progress. Toward what, I hadn’t a clue.

  When the music stopped and all the people in the class started to clap and high-five one another, my lungs burned and my arms felt like noodles. Worse, my torso was shredded from all the swivels and thrusting required by the cardio dance class.

  “Tell me you don’t feel good,” Kaitlyn challenged me with a raised brow, peeking over the lip of her water bottle.

  “Fine, you were right.” I flipped up the straw on my bottle and took a long pull. “It’s definitely not my usual speed, but I liked it.”

 
She waved goodbye to a few other women her age before speaking again. “You look happier than I’ve seen you in a long time.”

  “Funny, I was thinking the same thing about you.”

  Kaitlyn’s eyes slivered. “You’re changing the subject.”

  “Tristan tells me I’m a master at it.” I winked.

  “I can only imagine what he’d say if he saw you just now. I’m sure he’d be impressed.” She elbowed me and wiggled her eyebrows.

  “I’m sure he’d laugh.” Not that I particularly cared what Tristan thought about my exercise. I started out the door along with the stream of people who somehow looked fantastic for having just finished a one-hour power workout. “In any case, exercise can only help, right?”

  “That’s what my doctor tells me.” Kaitlyn hiked her gym bag higher on her shoulder and steered me toward a long counter, complete with barstools. We situated ourselves and chatted while the springy-stepped girl working the counter finished with her last customer. Kaitlyn proceeded to order some kind of green grassy drinks and then handed one to me.

  The first whiff exuded hay and soot, a far cry from the specialty coffee I was used to receiving from my friend. “What is this?”

  “If I tell you, you won’t drink it.” She raised the kiddie-sized glass. “To our health.”

  I wrinkled my nose, raised my glass, and slammed the drink before I could talk myself out of it. My mouth puckered as a shudder worked the length of my body.

  “What do you think?” Kaitlyn’s hopeful expression goaded me.

  “It’s every bit as bad as it looks.” I set the glass on the counter along with enough money to cover both so-called drinks. “Next time I’ll leave the grazing to you.”

  “Trust me, you exercise and drink this regularly and you’ll be zipping right along.”

  “I’ll stick with the exercise.” My body still hummed with energy—I refused to believe it was from the muck—and for the first time, I considered starting a normal routine. “How often do you come?”

  “Last year I came at least four or five times a week.” She glanced down and sighed, her countenance deflating. “But then I got … sidetracked.”