Shadows of Hope

by Georgiana Daniels

  “Where are we going?” she asked over the lazy drone of the news.

  “To check out the leaves.” He shot a furtive glance at Marissa and noted the curve of her smile. A good start. Too bad he hadn’t done more of this when their marriage started to crash—then they wouldn’t have to duke it out in front of Dr. Graves and her smug scrutiny.

  “Perfect day for it.” Marissa gazed out the window, evidently content to stick to the weather. That was fine. At least they weren’t fighting.

  They left the houses and schools and office buildings behind and cruised on the open highway until they reached a dirt road that led up the mountain. Few people traveled out this way and instead favored the ski slope, but he and Marissa had discovered the little turnoff back in the days when they would spend weekends hiking and playing around outdoors, enjoying each other’s company as newlyweds.

  Colin pulled over and parked in front of a gate that blocked off a forest service road and climbed out of the car.

  Marissa followed him, picking her way around a pile of rocks. “I’m not sure I have the right shoes for this.” She wiggled a sandled foot at him.

  “I’ll help you.” Colin scrounged up some courage before holding his hand out to his wife.

  The sun shone just right between the trees to illuminate her eyes behind her sunglasses. She scrutinized him, as though she wasn’t sure touching him was a good idea.

  Slowly, she grasped his hand with cold fingers, stiff to his touch. It was a start, and more progress than they’d made since she found out about his baby. Little Nugget. The thought of his child—now seven months, according to Kaitlyn and her burgeoning belly—set a smile on his lips.

  Marissa smiled back, pulling him from his thoughts. He had to focus and figure out how to fix his relationship with his wife in time. Colin pulled her close but not close enough to arouse suspicion as they set off down the path that wound between the towering aspens.

  “What made you think of coming here?” Marissa’s voice cut over the top of chirping birds.

  “I remembered how we always used to hike around here this time of year.” He let his gaze roam. Every fall hue colored the leaves—bright gold, brilliant orange, red, and everything in between. He stopped and slid the sunglasses off her eyes and onto her head.

  She squinted. “It’s bright.”

  “The view is better unhindered.” He locked onto her gaze, the flecks in her eyes matching the fall colors that surrounded them, and beyond that was something he hadn’t seen in a long time—hope. His breath caught unexpectedly.

  “You’re right,” she said, breaking away, “the view really is better.” The breeze kicked up, sweeping her hair off her shoulders. She wrapped her sweater more tightly around her and continued walking.

  Colin’s hand was cold without hers. He took long strides to catch up. “Maybe we don’t need Dr. Graves. Do you think … maybe … we can talk without her? The way we used to?”

  Marissa laughed politely. “We’d have to go a long ways back if you mean talking the way we used to before things went bad.”

  “And by ‘things’ you mean our marriage?” Colin wanted her to say it, to acknowledge they still had a marriage. He’d noticed lately that she’d stopped referring to them as a couple, stopped calling him her husband, stopped alluding to their future. While he would’ve been happy several months ago for that kind of change, he now found it unsettling.

  “And other things.” She sighed, a sad smile on her lips. “It doesn’t matter. If you want to stop seeing Dr. Graves, I’m all for it.”

  Alarms sounded off inside him. She gave up awfully fast, even for her. Even though he’d been the one to suggest counseling as a last-ditch effort, her resignation didn’t sit right.

  Realization snuck up on him—he wanted her to fight for him.

  “What’s wrong?” Marissa stopped and looked back.

  Colin winced. He hadn’t even realized she’d walked on without him. “It’s nothing.” He swallowed, trying to gather his nebulous thoughts and come up with a cogent reason for him to feel that way. “I just didn’t expect you to say that.”

  Marissa continued walking, the fallen leaves crunching under her sandals. “It’s pretty clear that we either picked the wrong therapist or we haven’t got a chance.”

  “I’ve never heard you say that before, that we haven’t got a chance.”

  Her face remained placid. “There’s probably a lot of things I haven’t said. You’ve been pretty busy lately.”

  For all the times he’d worked late or occasionally checked up on Kaitlyn, it was Marissa who was gone from home more often than not. He caught up to her and tried to keep his tone casual. “You seem to have a busy schedule lately too. Where have you been?”

  Her eyebrow tented. “Here and there. Trying new things.”

  Stupid Tristan. No doubt she was spending more time with him and didn’t want to admit it. Colin flexed his fists. “With who?”

  “Mostly myself, except the exercise class—it’s a group thing. I’ve been spending more time with Mom and going to Bible study. Going to coffee with people from Bible study.”

  “And Tristan?” He couldn’t help asking, and he was ticked at himself for doing it. “Are you spending more time with him?”

  Marissa eyed him. “No more than usual.”

  Which was still more than enough. Sure, they never crossed the line, but he saw the way that man reacted to his wife. Not that he deserved to be jealous after having an affair, but the idea of another man looking at his wife that way provoked stronger emotions than he wanted to admit.

  He shoved his hands inside his pockets before she noticed. “I wondered why you hadn’t been home as much.”

  “I didn’t think you noticed.” She turned abruptly and held up her hand. “I’m not saying that in a bad way. I just know that you’ve been … occupied.” Her eyes clouded before she turned away and resumed strolling.

  “Maybe we should both try to stay home more.” He kicked a rock off the path.

  “Maybe.” She frowned—not the reaction he was hoping for.

  What was he hoping for? He had more freedom now than before, but he still wasn’t happy. He inhaled the fresh mountain air. “Do you have any suggestions?”

  Her eyes roamed the forest and the trail—everywhere but in his direction. “That depends. What are we trying to accomplish? If we both want peace, it seems we have more peace the less time we’re under the same roof.”

  He craned his neck and tried to dig up answers. “I don’t even know what peace is anymore.”

  They continued in silence. Marissa started to speak but seemed to swallow the words. Finally she stopped walking and placed her hand on his arm. “I know I’ve said this before, but there’s only one way to find peace.”

  Colin’s jaw tightened. His wife and his best friend were starting to sound an awful lot alike. That was fine in the early years. He’d become a champ at playing along. But once her mom got her more involved with church and the whole God thing, it seemed to take over their lives. Church wasn’t going to help him now. Having his wife, his mother-in-law, and now his best friend gang up on him drove him further away. What he needed was practical advice for how to manage two separate families without anyone walking away. He was pretty sure sermons on that topic were in short supply.

  “I know you think it’s ridiculous—”

  “It’s fine for you; it’s just not my thing.”

  “It could be.” She smiled hopefully then turned away and continued down the dirt path. “God has seen me through a lot.”

  Was that why she was trotting around ignoring him lately?

  “Prayer helps me sort out the future, to figure out what else I might want to do with my life. You know?”

  He didn’t, but he wasn’t going to ruin the moment. “What else do you want to do? Are you thinking of …” No, he shook off the thought. Marissa wouldn’t leave him. That wasn’t her style. He tamped down the anxiety brewing in his gut.<
br />
  “Leaving New Heights … maybe one day.”

  “Why? I thought you loved it. You’ve poured your heart into that place.” Along with just about every spare dime they ever made. But he wasn’t ready to think about the money yet, not when she was finally opening up.

  Marissa rolled her bottom lip and her shoulders heaved. She sat on a rock and pulled her knees to her chest. “Working with mothers and babies and unborn babies … it’s starting to take its toll on me.”

  “I thought you enjoyed that kind of thing.” He sat next to her, arms pressed together. Thankfully she didn’t inch away.

  “I did—I mean, I do. Some parts. But knowing that I’ll never have a child of my own …” She swallowed, her mouth puckering. “When there was hope, I could be happy for the women I worked with. Without hope, it’s harder than I ever imagined.”

  The urge to take her into his arms was powerful, but he resisted. Their tentative truce was too new and he didn’t want to scare her off. “I’m sorry. That sounds rough.”

  “I never told you, but I’d finally made an appointment.”

  “Appointment?” He cast a sideways glance.

  “With the fertility specialist.” She looked down and appeared to study the weeds sprouting at the base of the rock. “That was before you told me your news.” She released a doleful sigh. “I went to the first appointment, but obviously I never went back.”

  Her words were like a sucker punch. He swiped his face with his hands. “I don’t know what to say.”

  “You don’t have to say anything.” She gazed ahead and blinked several times. “I’ve made peace with it. What I haven’t made peace with is working around it all day, every day.”

  “What else would you do?”

  “Honestly? I have no idea. I never imagined myself doing anything else. Most likely try to find a job doing other kinds of ultrasounds.”

  “How soon do you plan to leave?” Colin forced himself not to think about the little bit of money her job brought in. That wasn’t what mattered right now.

  Marissa smiled in that way that used to light up his heart, the way that made him burn for her. Now he recognized that she was trying to cope with her feelings. “I have no firm plans, just thoughts. Trying to see what else God might have in store for me. But the more I think about pulling away, the more ideas I have to make New Heights even better.” Her eyes sparkled.

  “Like what?” His heart warmed at their conversation. Why couldn’t it always be like this? Maybe she really had changed. The old Marissa would be morose and depressed, adding rocks to her proverbial pockets to make herself sink further.

  “Like bringing in doulas and hosting more birthing and parenting classes to help prepare the mothers for labor and delivery. We’re finally pulling in enough grant money and donations to make it happen.” Her animated expression reminded him of the enthusiasm she used to have, about everything—life, love. Him.

  “I have no clue what a doula is.”

  She grinned. “It’s someone who helps mothers have a positive birth experience. I mean, I’ve always tried to connect moms with birthing classes and doulas and such, but most of them don’t have the resources to follow through regularly, and until now neither did New Heights.”

  He rubbed his hands on his pants. “But now you have more grants?” He hoped she wasn’t going to try to pay out-of-pocket, like she had so many other times over the years.

  Her mouth crimped. “We sure do. I think it’d be a great way to help the moms, and I’ve already started making a few phone calls.” She shook her head. “Anyway, those are the things I think about and want to accomplish, so I guess my work at New Heights isn’t finished yet.”

  Colin turned to her, seeing the real Marissa. “I’m really impressed with what you’re doing.”

  “It’s all good for now, and I just hope … never mind. It’s all good.” She said it as if to convince herself. At least she was working in a positive direction, which was a lot more than she used to do. Frankly, he was surprised.

  And a little unnerved.

  “I meant what I said earlier.” She nudged him playfully. “You’re welcome to come to church with me anytime.”

  Colin scoffed before he could stop himself. He might be in a tough spot, but he wasn’t that desperate, and didn’t imagine he ever would be.

  CHAPTER 41

  Kaitlyn

  A knock on the door startled Kaitlyn from her mindless television marathon. She waddled over to the door and turned on the porch light.

  She flung open the door and bear-hugged her friend. “Sydney, I wasn’t expecting you this early.”

  “No, but you’re definitely expecting.” Sydney pulled back, eyes circling over Kaitlyn’s stomach.

  Just then, Little Nugget rolled, sending a rippling sensation through Kaitlyn’s abdomen. “Here, feel this.” She grabbed Sydney’s hand and pressed. The baby responded with a firm kick.

  “Wow, that’s cool! How far along are you?”

  “Almost eight months. The kicks get harder every day, and forget trying to sleep at night.” She closed the door and ushered her friend inside. “I must be up three times to go to the bathroom, not that you probably want to know that.”

  “I guess if we’re going to do this, I need to get used to TMI.”

  “I’m so glad you said yes. Thank you.”

  “You didn’t think I was going to miss out on my chance to boss you around, did you?”

  Sydney waggled her finger and bobbed her head.

  “Being a birthing coach has nothing to do with bossing me around—I think.” Though she’d read up on it since Marissa announced they’d be holding classes at New Heights, she still didn’t know what, exactly, was supposed to happen. All she knew was that she couldn’t ask Colin, no matter how many times he’d come over lately. He was so concerned over the people at the college finding out about his indiscretion that he was still keeping her pregnancy a secret.

  “I guess we’re about to find out how this whole thing is supposed to go down. You just need to make sure to have that pretty baby between my mom’s and my grandma’s doctor appointments.”

  Kaitlyn padded to the kitchen and poured her friend a glass of water. “How are they doing?”

  “Same old, same old. They seem to need a lot more help than I thought they would. It’s a good thing I moved home.” She sighed, more than likely sad to put school on hold and live in a neighboring town. “Grandma can hardly get around and Mom can’t drive. I’m running ragged between those two.”

  “I know you needed to do it, but I miss having you here. It’s been way too quiet.”

  Sydney snickered. “Not for long.”

  It was nice to have someone here who laughed and talked and just told it like it was. Sydney never held back, even if it wasn’t what Kaitlyn wanted to hear. She could use a little more of that in her life, rather than people skirting the obvious. Except Marissa, who was pretty honest but without the bluntness of Sydney. Kaitlyn could only imagine what Marissa might say if she knew the whole story.

  “I’ve never even been around babies.” Kaitlyn handed the glass of water to Sydney then eased herself into the recliner. “I have a lot to learn, and not just about the birth.”

  “I bet you’ll be glad to stop wearing smocks.” Sydney eyeballed the flouncy shirt Kaitlyn had picked up at New Heights.

  “Very funny. I see you haven’t lost your touch.”

  “That’s why you picked me.” Sydney took a sip. “Not only am I cool under pressure, but I can make you laugh at the same time.”

  “That’s exactly why I picked you.” Kaitlyn glanced at the clock. Thankfully they still had a little time to visit before the birthing class started.

  Sydney slid a sideways glance at her. “So your picking me has nothing to do with Mr. Not-So-Wonderful not being”—she air-quoted—“available?”

  “Well,” Kaitlyn said as she lifted her chin, “he would still be my second choice.”

  They
erupted with laughter just like old times. Sydney’s expression turned stoic. “Seriously, though. Is he coming around?”

  “He stops by when he can.”

  “And by ‘when he can’ you mean when it’s convenient for him.” Sydney’s lips pursed.

  Kaitlyn shrugged, unwilling to disparage a man she needed to get along with for the next eighteen years. As angry as she was, she knew from the stories at New Heights that it could be so much worse. “It’s not ideal, but he wants to be involved. We’ve been talking about ideas for the nursery, and names.” Their conversations hadn’t gotten beyond the birth since he threw up a wall every time she tried, but she was done pushing. Frankly, she was too tired.

  “One word of advice: give the baby your last name.”

  “Why?” Kaitlyn pressed her hand to her abdomen as Little Nugget did a somersault.

  “I don’t mean to be rude, but you just don’t know. He’s been a reluctant participant so far, and even if he’s coming around, that doesn’t mean he’s going to stay around. Get my drift?”

  All too well.

  Kaitlyn nodded. “I suppose there’s still time to think about that, but you’re probably right. I wish I could say he’ll be here for good, but I’d be lying.”

  Sydney’s phone rang. “Ugh, what now?” She rolled her eyes as she answered. “What’s up, Mom?” Loud, indecipherable words poured over the line as Sydney bolted out of her seat. “Slow down and say that again.” She pressed her finger over her open ear and paced. “Can you call the neighbor? Not home. Okay, call the ambulance and I’ll be home as soon as I can.”

  “What happened?” Kaitlyn hoisted herself out of the recliner.

  “My grandma fell, and Mom can’t get her off the floor. She doesn’t think she’s hurt too badly, but I could hear moaning in the background.”

  Kaitlyn covered her mouth. “Oh no. You’d better hurry, but be safe.” She hustled her friend toward the door.

  Sydney turned, disappointment in her eyes. “I’m so sorry about this. I really wanted to be there for you.”

  “Don’t worry about it. Seriously, you have enough to handle right now.”