Shadows of Hope

by Georgiana Daniels

  So many times she’d assured him that there was nothing but friendship between her and Tristan. Right. No friend just showed up to a family holiday without the husband there.

  Anger surged inside him. Marissa, playing the brokenhearted, wronged wife. What a joke. She’d probably been waiting for an opportunity just like this.

  Colin pulled a sharp U-turn and sped up. “Sure didn’t take you long to replace me.”

  CHAPTER 44

  Kaitlyn

  Kaitlyn didn’t know whether to be surprised or weirded out when Colin showed up on her doorstep carrying a giant box with a picture of a crib on the front. But as they struggled to put the crib together, she decided it was okay to enjoy the moment. It felt something close to normal, and normal was what she craved.

  “Who wrote these directions?” She turned the page over and tried to decipher the meaning of the words in conjunction with the picture.

  Rails, bars, bolts, and assorted unidentifiable bits surrounded Colin. “Let me have a look. It can’t be that hard.” His fingers grazed her hand when he took the sheet, sending a small thrill through her. A thrill that she immediately snuffed out. She may have compromised her morals a few times, but she’d learned her lesson. No way did she want to be that person again.

  “I really appreciate you buying this.” She tried to hide her delight but failed, even to her own ears.

  Colin met her eye and smiled. “You don’t have to thank me. She’s my Little Nugget too.” His soulful expression was a reminder of the old Colin, from before. “I’ll always be here for her, and for you.”

  Her breath snagged at his words, and though she tried not to fall headlong into his gaze, her heart remembered. Remembered all the hopes without promises that had filled her up before she knew who he was and what he’d done to his own family. She refocused her attention on the scant directions. “I have an idea. Let’s see if there’s a video. I’ll just grab my phone.”

  With great effort, she attempted to push herself off the floor, her stomach leading the way.

  “Let me help you.” Colin popped up and reached for her hands. One gentle tug and she was standing, her hands still clasped inside his.

  Quickly she pulled them away and hated that she had to do so. Why had she allowed herself to fall into such a mess? Correction—she hadn’t fallen, which implied an accident. All along she’d known she was making bad choices, even if she hadn’t known about his family at the time. Disappointment and shame burned inside her, and she wished just for a moment that she could still cling to the faith she’d had as a kid. The kind where God was merciful and forgiveness was a sure thing. She pulled in as large a breath as she could fit into her crowded lungs and massaged her stomach.

  “I hadn’t thought of looking for a video.” Colin grabbed her phone off the small table by the door and handed it to her.

  “That’s because you’re so much older than I am.” She smiled though her joke fell like a stone, reminding them both of the obvious.

  Colin’s eyebrows flexed. “Well, now I’ll have Little Nugget to keep me young.”

  Once she pulled up the video, Kaitlyn angled the phone toward Colin and let him watch while the baby vaulted off her rib cage. Another month of this would do her in, but at least it gave her time to get the baby’s room ready and make final preparations.

  “I think I can at least get this thing started now.” Colin grabbed the headboard and a few brackets and got busy. “Have you thought about how long you’re going to take off work?”

  “That’s practically all I think about.” Kaitlyn rubbed her stomach as it tightened—a new sensation that made her belly feel rock hard. Vaguely, she remembered Grace mentioning something called Braxton Hicks at the last birthing class. Nothing to worry about, she hoped. “From everything my friends tell me, it’s good to take at least six weeks off. Most people try to take more, but I can’t—” She stopped short of admitting she couldn’t afford it.

  Though she knew it was only right for the father to pay child support, she still didn’t like to admit how broke she was. It sounded so pitiful, which was the exact opposite of who she really was. Yet it was only a matter of time before they’d have to hash out monetary arrangements. Marissa had advised her to go through legal channels, but that kind of action seemed too extreme when Colin was already participating. Legal action would probably scare him off, and the last thing she wanted was a fatherless daughter.

  Like she was right now.

  At least that was how her dad’s rejection felt. The closer she came to delivery, the more she wanted her parents there, involved and loving. But the longer they stayed away, the less likely it seemed they would ever give in. Thankfully she had whatever support Colin wanted to provide, and the help of Marissa and her friends at New Heights.

  “Six weeks seems short.” He tightened the screws and never looked up. “Is there any way you can stay off longer? I can help with the money, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

  Considering how depressed he’d been after not getting whatever promotion it was at the college that he’d been counting on, she doubted he had enough to cover all her bills. Anxiety hatched inside her at the thought of money—or rather, the lack of it.

  Kaitlyn pulled a chair closer to Colin while he worked, slowly easing herself down. “Yes, I’m worried about it. At some point we’re going to have to figure out how to pay for childcare.”

  “Do you have someone in mind to watch her?”

  “A few ideas.” Marissa and Christina had offered some suggestions last week, but Kaitlyn had yet to interview them. It was all becoming a little too real. She could no longer outrun decisions that needed to be made and issues that would change her life forever. The thought of her child was comforting and scary at the same time. “The cheapest sitter I’ve found is around four hundred and fifty dollars a month for full time. Then there are diapers and formula to consider. And health care.” That one was a biggie. She was broke but not broke enough in the eyes of the system to qualify for help. An impossibility that was all too common, according to Marissa.

  Colin paused and looked out the window, quiet for only a moment. “I don’t think we should go for the cheapest unless it’s also the best.”

  We—an interesting word choice that eased a bit of her anxiety. She tapped around on her phone. “I’m not sure we’ll have a choice.”

  “I’ll figure something out.” Colin’s voice, firm and steady, inspired confidence. “We’ll also have to get whatever other furniture you need and all the baby gadgets.”

  “Baby gadgets?”

  “You know, stuff. Whatever stuff babies need.”

  “Like pacifiers and diaper bags and bottles?”

  “Yeah.” He grinned and nodded knowingly. “Baby gadgets.”

  Kaitlyn laughed. “Thankfully my friends are holding a baby shower this weekend, and I put all the baby gadgets on the registry. After the shower, we’ll see what we still need and I’ll let you know.”

  “You must have really nice friends.”

  She smiled at the thought of Marissa, Sydney, and Christina murmuring and planning after the last birthing class. “They are the best.”

  Colin

  After watching the video, Colin had the crib fully assembled in less than an hour. He cleaned up the boxes and supplies and hauled them out to his car, trying to plan where to dump everything. There was no way he could put it in the recycle at home without Marissa going ballistic. Honestly, he didn’t blame her. Not anymore.

  All the anger he’d felt toward her for depleting his mental energy over the last few years had finally dissipated. The scary part was, it had been replaced by apathy. He wanted to love her, but he just didn’t care.

  Adam thought he had all the answers, telling him to just do the right thing, as if it were that easy. Colin shook his head and closed the trunk with a thud that echoed off the paint-peeled houses that surrounded Kaitlyn’s.

  “Thanks for coming by,” she called from the f
ront door as a sharp gust of wind lifted the hair from her face. She waved and started to walk inside.

  “Wait.” He hustled up to the porch before she could close him out. All afternoon she’d been just short of standoffish. Warm and laughing one minute, cool the next, and it was driving him nuts. He wanted to spend at least a little time with her, talking and figuring out the future. He also wanted to feel the baby move again, but he hadn’t had the nerve to ask, not with the way she held him at a distance. The last thing he needed was for her to freeze him out of his daughter’s life.

  Kaitlyn peeked out from behind the door. “Did you leave something?”

  “No, I just … want to talk.” He held up his hand as she started to protest. “There’s a lot that needs to be worked out. I want to help you choose a sitter, I want to talk about how long you should consider staying home with her—I want to be part of it. All of it.”

  “You can’t.” Her eyes hardened.

  Colin kept his foot wedged in the doorway. “Why not? I’m her father.” He shivered against the cold wind and hoped it would inspire her to invite him back inside.

  “You really don’t get it.” Kaitlyn’s incredulous tone made him feel like a third-grade reject.

  “No, I guess I don’t.” He shoved his hands deep inside his pockets for warmth.

  “You’re married!” Kaitlyn’s eyes darted around as if she realized anyone could be listening. As if anyone else would care when he himself was tired of caring.

  Colin ground his jaw and weighed the consequences of his words, whether they would draw her closer or frighten her away. After a deep breath, he forged ahead and spoke in a low tone, the same tone that had reeled her in when they were first together. “I know I’m married, but what if I wasn’t?”

  Kaitlyn’s mouth formed an O, and she blinked furiously. “Did you just say what I think you said?”

  “Just think about it—we could actually be together, just like parents should be. We could raise the baby, and you wouldn’t have to worry about money and childcare.” He leaned closer and attempted to hook into her gaze. “We could make this work.”

  Her lower lip trembled and her voice barely carried above the wind. “How stupid do you think I am?”

  Colin’s heart walloped him. That was not exactly the response he’d expected. “What do you mean? Think about what I’m offering you.”

  “You’ll be lucky if I talk to you again after an offer like that.” Kaitlyn’s eyes blazed, searing his conscience the way nothing else had been able to. “After what you did to your wife, do you really think I’d be stupid enough to be with you?” Her mouth tightened and her chest and stomach heaved. “If you cheated on her, you’d cheat on me too. You are a man who cheats. No matter what you think of me, I’m not dumb enough to go there.”

  CHAPTER 45

  Marissa

  With the food and the party favors in place early, I kicked back in Tristan’s office while waiting for the guests to arrive. “What are you working on?” I tried to sneak a peek at his laptop screen before he deftly angled it the other way.

  “The usual,” he said without breaking the pattern of his typing.

  “Is that code for working on your book?”

  He closed the laptop and removed his readers. “I just came in to polish up a few things. I’m almost done with the proposal, if you must know.”

  “Just trying to be a caring, interested friend.” Recently I’d noticed him hunched over the keyboard more than usual, which happened to coincide with his breakup with Sheryl.

  “Believe it or not, I appreciate that.” He rested his elbows on his chair and leaned back. “All ready for the baby shower?”

  “I think so. Unfortunately Sydney is running late, but I think I have it covered. Are you going to stay? You know everyone who’s coming—mostly clients, plus Sydney. I think she invited Kaitlyn’s mom but never heard back.” I picked at the hem of my shirt, trying not to show my disappointment. What kind of woman didn’t show up for her daughter’s big day?

  Tristan scoffed. “Someone would take away my man card if I stayed for a baby shower.”

  “Would that be a no?”

  “A resounding no. Plus I have some yardwork I need to get done this afternoon.”

  “It’s December. What yardwork could you possibly have to do?”

  “It’s called winterizing.”

  “Ah.” I picked up the stress ball he kept on his desk—whether for himself or his clients, I didn’t know. I squeezed with one hand then the other, and it felt kind of good. “I got called in for an interview.”

  Tristan winced, and I didn’t dare look up to meet his eye. “So this is really happening.”

  “It depends on the interview, I guess. You never know who else is in the lineup.” Squeeze, release, squeeze, release. “Honestly, it scares me. I haven’t had an interview since college.”

  “It’s natural to feel some apprehension in a situation like this.”

  Finally, I looked at him straight on. “Don’t talk like a shrink. I have my own, thank you very much.”

  “Fine. If you want honesty—it scares me too.”

  Silence buffered the room, and I held my breath at the realization that my life—our lives, our situation—would be changing. I squeezed the ball until my knuckles blanched. “I don’t have to go.”

  Tristan reached across the desk and grabbed my hand to make me stop. “Yes, you do.”

  I issued a nervous chuckle. “Now you’re trying to get rid of me?”

  “Never. But you believe this is right for you—I know you do—and I back you up one hundred percent.” His chocolatey eyes penetrated my defenses, inspiring both confidence and sorrow at what I was leaving behind. What I was choosing to leave behind.

  Sure, I was leaving behind the pain of working with pregnant women, but I was also leaving behind support and friendship. Without those, I would have left a long time ago.

  As if reading my mind, Tristan released my hand and spoke again. “Nothing has to change between us. I’ll still be here for you.” His promise was flimsy and we both knew it. It wasn’t that he wouldn’t be here for me, but that he couldn’t—not if Colin and I stayed married. The only reason Tristan and I spent time together was because of New Heights—as it should be.

  “We can certainly try.” I set the ball back on his desk and gazed around the office, taking comfort from the familiar. With the diplomas on the wall and so few personal items, his office reminded me of my therapist’s. I’d missed my regular appointment, partly because I’d been busy with Thanksgiving and getting together with Sydney to plan the baby shower, and partly because of Dr. Graves’s disturbing words the last time I saw her.

  “Maybe you can explain something to me.”

  Tristan offered a slight shrug. “I’ll try, but with the kinds of things you come up with, I wouldn’t hold your breath.”

  “Funny.” I glossed over his comment, my mind focused on my last therapy session when Colin stormed out in a huff. “Dr. Graves said something that’s really been bothering me. She said, ‘“God’s got this” might not mean what you think it does.’ What do you think she meant by that?”

  He tilted his head slightly, his eyes and mouth poised with a thoughtful expression. “What do you think it means?”

  I ignored the fact he was turning psychologist on me and really considered Dr. Graves’s words. “I don’t like what I think it means.”

  “Then you’re probably right.” His eyebrows peaked as he rested his chin on his steepled fingertips. “I’m not a theologian, but if I had to hazard a guess, I think she’s right. God has you and isn’t going to let go, but that doesn’t mean you won’t face disappointment. It doesn’t mean that your life will turn out the way you want it to with a happily ever after.”

  “Then what’s the point?” I looked away from Tristan’s probing gaze, not wanting to acknowledge the truths that already burned in my heart.

  “Not just happiness, that’s for sure. But i
n the end—” He sighed, long and heavy. “In the end all the troubles we face will make us more like Christ, if we let them.”

  “That’s really not what I wanted to hear.”

  He shrugged as he powered down his laptop and shut the lid. “Take it or leave it.”

  I snarled in his general direction before heading out to greet Sydney and Kaitlyn, who’d just walked into New Heights. A gaggle of young women trailed behind them. Apparently they’d been congregating on the porch to watch the approaching storm, while crowding around Kaitlyn and taking turns feeling her baby kick. They were all still cooing over her beach-ball stomach.

  “Let’s get this party started.” I hugged Kaitlyn and the others as I directed them toward the gift table set against the far wall.

  “It’s beautiful!” Kaitlyn awkwardly slid out of her coat as she gazed at the mint and yellow decorations that had transformed our workspace. It looked more like a home, the way it used to be.

  “Sydney and I did most of it last night.” I side-hugged my new friend. The young woman was a force to be reckoned with, and I was glad Kaitlyn had such a person on her side.

  For the next two hours we played games and stuffed ourselves with fruit and pastries.

  Diapers, formula, onesies, footed pajamas, baby mitts—the women of New Heights were generous to Kaitlyn, especially considering their own life circumstances. Marjorie, there with little Jacob, was no exception.

  I was already desperately missing these precious women.

  By the end of the evening, my stomach and heart were both full, and my face hurt from smiling. I grabbed some of the presents and headed for the door. “Let me help you get these into your car.”

  Kaitlyn stopped me with a gentle hand on my arm. “Thank you so much for a great shower.” Her forehead wrinkled with concern. “I understand … that is, I know how hard—”

  “You don’t need to say anything more.” I met her gaze, thinking how far she’d come in a short time despite less-than-ideal circumstances. She wasn’t as bad off as many of the women we helped who were in abusive relationships or were homeless, sometimes both, but Kaitlyn was still largely on her own. The only thing I knew about the baby’s father was that he was coming around every now and then to check up on her. My heart ached for Kaitlyn and her daughter—they had a long season ahead of them, and no one knew that more than me, a girl without a dad.