Shadows of Hope

by Georgiana Daniels

  “I’m home,” he called softly, kicking off his shoes and scanning for any sign of her in the kitchen. A light was on there too, but no Marissa.

  Had she really given up and fallen asleep? That didn’t seem like her.

  He climbed the stairs and crept down the hall, unwilling to wake her if she’d actually fallen asleep. The door was ajar, and he risked peeking into the dim room. There was no form under the covers. He inched closer to be sure.

  Nothing.

  Shock pummeled him. Had she not made it home?

  Colin switched on the light and scanned the room. His gaze landed on an open drawer.

  An empty drawer.

  “Marissa!” Where was she? He looked through her half-empty drawers then threw open the closet. Several hangers were empty and the suitcase was missing. “Marissa!” he shouted, desperate.

  But to his utter shock, she was gone.

  CHAPTER 49

  Marissa

  It’s Kaitlyn.” I stood in the doorway of Tristan’s office, unconcerned that I was interrupting his phone call.

  He made eye contact and held up his index finger. “Let me call you back.” He hung up and watched me with narrow eyes. “Where were you this morning? I waited for you at The Bean, I texted, and then I gave up and came to work.”

  “I can’t go there. I can’t go anywhere associated with Kaitlyn.” Tears brimmed in my eyes, but I refused to give in. I’d done enough of that yesterday at Mom’s house while I waited for Colin or Kaitlyn to contact me.

  Neither one did.

  “Slow down and have a seat.” Tristan gestured to the empty chair across from him. “Take a breath and then tell me what’s going on. You had me worried.”

  I sat, lifted my chin, and forced myself not to slouch or look weak. Because I wasn’t weak—I was angry and hurt. I folded my hands in my lap and moderated my tone. “The woman that Colin had a baby with is Kaitlyn.”

  Tristan’s face paled and his mouth opened and closed but no words came out. It was the same reaction I’d had.

  “I found out at the hospital.”

  “The hospital?”

  “Kaitlyn went into labor early and texted me to come.” Fury laced with betrayal burned in my veins. My foot tapped an angry rhythm. “I got there, and guess who was by her bedside? Colin.” I punctuated his name with venom.

  Tristan rubbed his face and groaned. “You have got to be kidding me.”

  “I wish.” My voice hitched. I scanned the room to find something to ground me. The stress ball—I focused on the ball to hold back any emotion that hinted at sorrow, an emotion that would bully the rage aside and cause my mental health to circle the drain.

  Tristan leaned forward and propped his elbow on the desk, covering his face with one hand. “I don’t even know what to say.”

  “Neither did I. Of course, after I left I thought of a million things I wanted to tell them, things they deserved to hear.” I grabbed the ball and squeezed it until my hand hurt. “It’s just like me to think of all the right words after the fact.”

  Tristan glanced toward the outer office to assure our privacy. “What did they say?”

  “Nothing—at least if they did I don’t remember. I thought I was going to pass out, so I left.”

  “What did Colin say when he got home?”

  I shrugged. “Who knows? I didn’t wait around to find out.”

  “Where did you go?” His eyebrows peaked in the middle, as though questioning why I hadn’t gone to him first.

  I’d considered going to Tristan’s house, of course, but I was too upset, too confused. Too vulnerable. I’d even started driving that way until I had a moment of clarity, realizing it was a bad idea. “I went to my mom’s.” I snorted. “There’s no way he would come there to get me.”

  “Did you want him to come and get you?”

  I paused and transferred the ball from one hand to the other. “At first I did, then I didn’t.” I stared at the diplomas on the wall until my vision turned fuzzy. “Then I didn’t know what I wanted. The truth is, I wanted him to want me but only so I could turn him away.” I sighed. “What’s wrong with me?”

  “Nothing. That actually sounds reasonable.”

  “But what does that say about me? About my marriage?” I looked at the ring on my finger—at least I hadn’t lost mine, like Colin—and dug a little deeper. During the time at Mom’s, had I actually missed Colin, the man? Or had I missed the idea of a faithful husband?

  “It says you’re going through a lot, and there’s no one right way to feel.” Tristan pinched the bridge of his nose. “But Kaitlyn? What was she doing with a married man?”

  “No wonder she didn’t want to talk about it, keeping everything so hush-hush.” Shards of ice slid through my veins at the thought of her betrayal. “I tried so hard to be a good friend and help her out. I thought she cared about me too.”

  “Do you think she knew?” He leaned forward. “I mean, did you even have any idea?”

  Events from the past several months had cycled through my tired brain multiple times since I’d fled the hospital. I’d dissected every memory for a clue, anything that should have tipped me off. “I didn’t.” I tossed the ball onto his desk. “Look at how many women have come in here since the beginning of summer. We deal with pregnant women in bad situations all the time, we have for years. The odds …” I shook my head. “The odds of my husband being the father of one of these babies … no, it didn’t occur to me.” I shot out of the chair. “Maybe I’m just stupid.”

  “Always trying to see the best in people isn’t stupid. Not by a long shot.”

  “I feel so betrayed.” More so by Kaitlyn than Colin, but I didn’t want to reason it out.

  “If you didn’t know, it’s possible she didn’t either.”

  I braced the back of the chair. “But what if she did?”

  “You know her better than that.”

  “I thought I did.”

  He twirled a pen then pointed it at me. “I’ll bet she didn’t know he was married until it was too late. Until after she was pregnant.”

  “That sounds like something Colin would do.” Keeping both women in the dark … yeah, that was him. The fact that I was bound for life to such a man made me nauseous. For the first time in a while, the future looked long and bleak.

  “Eventually you’re going to have to talk to them.”

  I looked away, unable to face the truth. Not only was I going to have to talk to them, but I would have to forgive them. True forgiveness. The kind that loves unconditionally and keeps no record of wrongs.

  But as long as they had the power to hurt me again, I didn’t know if I could.

  CHAPTER 50

  Kaitlyn

  Mariah Joy.

  The name rolled off her tongue and made Kaitlyn smile. Thankfully Colin had relented about their daughter’s last name so it didn’t have to get ugly.

  There was already enough ugliness associated with the birth of her innocent baby.

  By the time Kaitlyn and Mariah arrived home from the hospital, Colin had already put together the nursery, complete with freshly washed sheets in the bassinet. He’d even put together the changing table and stocked it with diapers, wipes, creams, and extra burp rags. Either he’d done a lot of reading or he had someone giving him advice.

  And it certainly wasn’t Marissa.

  Kaitlyn winced as she coaxed the baby to nurse like the lactation consultant at the hospital had shown her. Not only was the latching on a bit painful, but her body was still distressed from the stitches and the bruising down under. More painful was her heart at the thought of what she’d done to her friend.

  She teased Mariah’s cheek to get her to open her mouth. Finally—success. Together they rocked in the recliner and enjoyed the afternoon sunshine streaking through the window before Colin—correction, Dad—came over.

  Confusion had filled Kaitlyn’s thoughts from the moment she saw Marissa part the curtain at the hospital. Marissa’s r
eaction had stunned her, but it only took a few moments to piece together what was going on.

  As if labor wasn’t difficult enough.

  Still, the whole situation baffled her. She’d always assumed Marissa was married to Tristan, from the inside jokes to the way they encouraged each other daily. And the morning coffee dates, though she’d never actually seen them show physical affection other than a hug every now and then.

  To think that Marissa was Colin’s wife blew Kaitlyn’s mind. They were a mismatch in every way, especially now that she knew how deceitful Colin was. Marissa deserved better, much better. And so did she.

  Hadn’t Colin said he had a child, or at least implied it? Kaitlyn rummaged through her memories for their conversation. In some way he had indicated a child. What was that all about?

  But the worst thing was knowing that she’d been part of wrecking her friend’s life. It was bad enough when Colin’s wife was a nameless, faceless woman, but now—Kaitlyn wasn’t certain how she could live with herself.

  Tears slid down her face, a mixture of joy and pain.

  Somehow she’d have to face Marissa and make things right. Apologize and convince her friend that she had no idea, that she’d also been duped.

  After she’d prayed with Mom, she’d finally realized God had forgiven her when she repented. But would Marissa?

  The doorknob jiggled with a key in the lock. Kaitlyn rushed to cover herself before Colin entered and stomped his shoes on the mat. “How’s Little Nug—Mariah?” His eyes zeroed in on the baby.

  “She’s been asleep most of the day after being up all night.” Exhaustion leaked down into her bones. Though their first night alone together had been entirely too long, it would go down in her mind as a sweet memory.

  Colin kicked off his shoes and shrugged off his coat. “I told you—I don’t mind staying and helping.”

  “That’s not a good idea.”

  “It’s no problem.”

  “You need to think about Marissa.” The baby squiggled under her sharp tone.

  Colin recoiled. “I told you before, don’t worry about it. That’s my concern.”

  “Your wife happens to be my friend, and apparently I’m more concerned about her than you are.”

  Colin pointed but quickly retracted his finger. “You don’t know anything about this or what she and I have been through.”

  “How could I? The little bit you told me was all lies.”

  “After I came clean, there were no lies.”

  He had a pretty loose definition of lying. Kaitlyn shook her head. “I don’t want to argue in front of the baby.” She shifted her little bundle and started rocking again. “You told me you had kids.”

  “That’s not what I said.” His eyes misted and his jaw ticked.

  “It was implied.”

  “We had a miscarriage. But the baby was still mine, and it still mattered.”

  Kaitlyn’s breath caught. Marissa hadn’t told her about a miscarriage, only that she couldn’t seem to get pregnant. So many blanks began to fill. She looked down. “I’m sorry.”

  “I’m just thankful we have a healthy baby. Can I hold her?” He leaned close and took hold of her. Mariah looked so tiny and delicate in his arms. He bent his head and kissed her cheek.

  Kaitlyn shot up a silent prayer for courage. Knowing she was doing the right thing didn’t make it easy. “You know you’re welcome to see the baby anytime.”

  He silently acknowledged her with a smile that lit his eyes.

  “But that’s where it ends. I don’t know what’s happening with you and Marissa, but you need to know there will never be anything that happens between us.” Her heart tapped out a staccato beat.

  His lips formed a grim line. “I think you made that clear before.”

  “It felt like a good time to say it again.” She pointed to the key on the table by the door. “You need to leave the key. I mean, I appreciate what you did, coming here and getting everything ready while we were still in the hospital, but that’s where it ends.”

  Colin said nothing. He leaned against the love seat and gazed at their baby, his eyes unwavering.

  A smidgen of relief eased through Kaitlyn. Everything in her life was overwhelming, but she was taking steps. Small steps. But at least they were steps in the right direction.

  Colin

  Colin played it cool through the rest of the visit. There was no use getting Kaitlyn riled up. He’d read somewhere that new moms could be hormonal, and that’s probably all it was. A few more nights without sleep and she might relent on letting him help more. He didn’t want to be a part-time dad, only able to visit his child—his own child—at Kaitlyn’s whim.

  To be fair, things had gone badly.

  The moment Marissa waltzed into the hospital room, he’d known there was no coming back to anything resembling normal. But he hadn’t expected Marissa to pack up and leave. He’d given her a few days’ space, and it was time for her to come home and work it out.

  It was dark by the time he left Kaitlyn and Mariah. Uncertainty niggled him inside at the thought of an empty house. Maybe his wife had come to her senses. If not, he’d give her until tomorrow; then he would go to her mother’s house and bring her home. Knowing her, that was probably what she wanted—to be pursued.

  If he were a praying man, this would be the time. But no matter how hard he tried, he just couldn’t go there. Because if God was real, things wouldn’t be such a mess.

  CHAPTER 51

  Marissa

  The steaming mug of tea warmed my hands as I curled up on the couch in front of the fire. Mom’s home was cozy like that, a place of memories and comfort, where I could always retreat and find my way. I released a contented sigh and closed my eyes as I slipped in and out of prayer.

  When I chose to block out the swift turns life had taken and focus on the here and now, focus on what was right in my life instead of what was wrong, I experienced peace. Deep peace. I wanted to know that level of peace even when I faced the issues I needed to deal with, but I would think about those things later.

  For now, God had me and this moment was good.

  “Do you need more tea?” Mom hovered over me, pot in hand, spout pointed at my mug.

  “Sure, thanks.” I lifted it up and inhaled the scent of jasmine as she poured.

  “Have you thought any more about talking to your husband?” Mom righted the pot and wiped a drip that slid down the side.

  I wrinkled my nose. “I’m sure he’s doing just fine.” With his new family, a family that I wasn’t part of.

  Peace, Prince of Peace, peace.

  “You can’t avoid him forever. Or are you moving in with me?” She set the pot on a coaster and stared me down.

  “You have plenty of room.” I closed my eyes again and savored the tea.

  Mom grunted. She was wrecking my moment, but it was so like her that it brought me comfort. “It’s not that I don’t want you here; it’s that I want things to be worked out. You can’t leave things up in the air.” She waved her arms to prove the point.

  I faced her, ready for answers. “How did you forgive my father for running out on you?”

  Mom drew back and sputtered. “I … It didn’t happen overnight, that’s for sure. Forgiveness is sometimes an ongoing process. Some days you have to choose it over and over again.”

  “Hmm. I want it to be done now.”

  “Good luck with that.” She harrumphed and folded her arms across her bosom. “You also have to realize your own imperfections.”

  “I know, we all sin.”

  “Not just that. I had to realize the part I played in what happened. Very few situations are the fault of just one person.”

  I sat taller, indignant. “It’s not your fault my father ran out.”

  Her mouth flexed as she considered. “It may have been partially my fault he ran out, but it was his fault he chose to stay away from you. Everyone has a part to play.”

  What part had I played in my marri
age? Time, distance, and prayer had a way of bringing clarity that didn’t exist in the middle of the mess. If I were completely honest, I’d spent years brooding over my loss—our loss—rather than enjoying what I still had. For years I’d lived cycle to cycle, through mountains and valleys of hope and disappointment.

  For years I’d probably bled Colin dry.

  That didn’t excuse what he did, but I could see the point Mom was making. But there were still so many questions. Could I forgive and carry on? Would Colin betray me again? Was there even any love left to build on? Of course, that would imply there was true love in the first place. Dubious, the more I thought about it.

  Mom laid her hand on my leg, bringing me back to the present. “At some point you’re going to have to talk to him.”

  My stomach soured. The idea of seeking him out and trying to piece our marriage back together made me sick. I didn’t like always being the one to go to him, and I didn’t like who I was with him. I no longer wanted to be that desperate for his attention—attention that would now be divided with his other family.

  His other family that included my friend.

  Sorrow leaked inside me as I thought of her. Originally I’d planned on being there for her after the birth, cooking at night and seeing that she got rest. Maybe Colin was filling that spot, or Sydney. The fact that I’d broken my promise to her stung, because the more I considered the circumstances, the more I realized she couldn’t be at fault. At least not the part about deceiving me.

  Though it chafed my broken heart, I knew I’d somehow have to keep my word and still find a way to have peace.

  Once I made the decision to see Kaitlyn, I didn’t waste time debating like the old me would have done.

  I took the next afternoon off, both to check on my application at the hospital and to visit Kaitlyn and the baby. Anxiousness settled inside my chest, even though I’d made sure Colin was at work and not at Kaitlyn’s, through a not-so-discreetly placed phone call to the university.