Playing with Fire: A Magical Romantic Comedy (with a body count)

by RJ Blain

  I didn’t leave a pink handprint on Quinn’s ass.

  Quinn carried me to the elevator and waited until we were in our room to put me down. The first thing to go would be his shirt. I almost had him out of it when his phone rang.

  “Break it,” I suggested, contemplating tearing off the stubborn button thwarting me. “Violently.”

  Instead of obeying, he answered, “ Chief Quinn speaking.” There was a short pause, then he chuckled. “No. I decided I wasn’t up for her shit tonight, so I ran away. I meant to call in I wasn’t going home.” After another pause, Quinn laughed again. “Huh. I suppose you could classify it as a kidnapping. Hey, Gardener. It’s apparently kidnapping if I take people wherever I want. You okay with being kidnapped?”

  How was I supposed to get him naked without the caller learning I intended to drag the police chief to bed and keep him there? “I beat the shit out of a male gorgon today. You don’t stand a chance, Mr. Police Chief. Tell them I kidnapped you. That should confuse them. Hey. Where are your handcuffs? I better make it look real. I guess if I stuffed you under the bed, housecleaning would eventually find you, huh? Pity.”

  I started patting him down, taking everything out of his pockets in search of his handcuffs. With handcuffs, I had limitless options on what I could do with Quinn.

  Why were his handcuffs stuffed down his pants, anyway?

  Quinn smirked. “Did you hear that? Good. Since Audrey’s brother did try to kill her, call in someone to check over my house, and ask the CDC if they’d send an investigator as a personal favor to me—I’ll pay their fee out of pocket. If the rep can be an incubus who hasn’t gotten laid for a very, very long time, even better. I wouldn’t mind if she was kept busy for a few months. What? I can’t request an incubus? That’s not fair. How about a succubus?”

  I could hear someone laughing on the other end of the line, and I worried he would choke to death if he didn’t stop soon.

  “You really don’t have to laugh that hard.”

  If I broke the phone, would he forgive me? “Quinn, stop playing with the phone.”

  He ignored me. “I’m hiding at the Plaza. The angels finally let Bailey out of the bar. When she found out Audrey was at my place, she started screaming something about that woman getting between her, a bath, and some sleep, there would be bodies. I was concerned my body might be one of them. Since she was primed to kill my ex-wife, I thought a hotel might be a wise decision. She—”

  I’d have to dig the handcuffs out of his pants later. Yanking the phone out of Quinn’s hand, I said, “Hello? Hi. Please don’t listen to him. He’s so tired he has no idea what he’s talking about. He’s going to bed.”

  With me. All night long.

  With the phone against my ear, I recognized Perky’s strangled laughter. “Oh. It’s Perky. Hey, Perky.”

  “Hey yourself, Gardener. Last news on the wire was you went and got yourself killed by a pair of angels.”

  “Only a little bit. Chief Quinn really needs to get some sleep.”

  With me. Now. All night long.

  “You don’t seem very dead to me. Not even a little bit. The chief was pretty cranky you’d gone and gotten yourself killed.”

  “It was only a little bit!”

  “Do we need to rescue you? Because honestly, the thought of you two sharing the same house has us worried. The same hotel room…”

  “If I kill Chief Quinn, I promise you’ll be the first person I call.”

  Quinn grinned at me. When someone knocked at the door, he headed across the room, buttoning his shirt back up and making himself as presentable as he could with pink handprints all over him.

  Maybe it would have been a little awkward if I’d already gotten him to bed. Had calling in advance for room service really been necessary? I scowled.

  Perky chuckled. “That’s considerate of you.”

  “Not to be rude, Perky, but a gorgon wanted to use me as breeding stock, and he didn’t want to take no for an answer. Reverse cowgirl bitch is at Chief Quinn’s house and came between me, a bath, and some sleep.”

  With Quinn. While that part was extremely important, Perky didn’t need to know my plans for the rest of the night. “If anyone else delays me, I will make what I did to the gorgon look polite in comparison.”

  I learned a very important lesson: men could laugh so hard they cried. “I’m so sorry that happened, Gardener. You were magnificent. The ladies at the station adore you. The asshole deserved the pummeling. That said, you need to take self-defense courses. Amanda teaches one on Monday and Thursday nights. I may have enrolled you. Get some sleep and have a good night.” Perky hung up. I stared at Quinn’s phone for a long moment before setting it aside.

  Quinn set two covered dishes on the room’s table. “Now that dinner has arrived, I think you should pick up where you left off. I seem to have undone your hard work. Unless you want to eat dinner first?”

  “Screw dinner.” I pounced. If he wanted a shirt with all of its buttons intact, he shouldn’t have put it back on.

  “Excellent.”

  At some point, Quinn got out of bed long enough to call housekeeping and hand over our abused and battered clothes so they could be saved or replaced. His request amused the hotel employee, who promised to take care of everything.

  I wanted him to come back to bed and feed me more morsels of steak and potatoes. “Come back to bed, Quinn.”

  “Are you sure you’re not part succubus?”

  “No, but I’m thinking you’re possibly an incubus in disguise. Come back to bed. Please?”

  He laughed. “It’s seven in the morning, Bailey. Aren’t you tired yet?”

  “No.” I patted the pillow beside me. “You still have to feed me the rest of my dinner.”

  “It’s seven in the morning.”

  “Breakfast, then. Feed me. I’m hungry.”

  “And whose fault is that?”

  “Yours, obviously.”

  Quinn slid under the covers, pulled me close, and held me. “And you thought I was crazy for reserving two nights. It’s ten minutes to work if traffic cooperates. That means we have extra time together. It was careful planning. I think I’ll have a cruiser pick us up when it’s time to go in. That’ll save at least five minutes.”

  “What time do you need to be at work?”

  “If we go to sleep now, we’ll get a few hours.”

  I wrinkled my nose, wiggled free, and sat up so I could finish my dinner. “So I guess we really should get some sleep, then.”

  “Probably wise. Feeling better now?”

  “Yes. I’m not sure if I should hunt down those angels and that incubus and hit them or thank them.”

  “I’m feeling pretty thankful right now.”

  Quinn’s phone rang, and I grabbed it first. If they wanted him, they needed to go through me. The police chief frowned at me, and I flipped him my middle finger before I answered, “Chief Quinn is asleep right now. Do I need to wake him?”

  Some lies were so worth telling. Quinn shook his head and rolled his eyes.

  “Yes, please,” a woman replied. Maybe the mysterious self-defense teaching Amanda?

  “One moment, please, Officer…?”

  “Hitchenson. Amanda Hitchenson. Good work with that gorgon yesterday, Miss Gardener.”

  “Thank you. Perky told me he was enrolling me in your class?” I gave Quinn a kick, and the police chief grunted. “Quinn, your phone was ringing. I answered it for you. There’s a nice lady named Officer Hitchenson wanting to speak with you.”

  He groaned and reached for his phone. “Thanks, Gardener. I’m awake, Amanda. What’s wrong?”

  After several moments, Quinn’s eyes widened. “She’s a what? No, no. I heard you the first time. Okay. Did you find out why? When? I don’t really care how.”

  The silence stretched on, and Quinn rubbed his temple with his free hand while listening to Amanda. When he finally hung up after a few incredulous words and a strained goodbye, he threw hi
s phone across the room. It bounced off the bathroom door and splashed into the toilet.

  “Wow. Nice aim. You’re going to need a new phone there, Chief.” Hoping to rescue the device, I scrambled out of bed and peered into the toilet bowl. The phone’s display was dark and cracked. “You killed it.”

  “My deranged ex-wife decided to snort gorgon dust, became one, and is, and I quote, ‘She’s looking to breed and picked Gardener to be the mother.’ She petrified three police officers and was recorded making a promise you would like making babies with her. It doesn’t appear the officers contracted the gorgon virus, fortunately.”

  I returned to the bedroom and gaped at Quinn. “Excuse me. What?”

  “My ex-wife wants to have babies with my girlfriend.”

  All right. I could handle the discussion like a mature adult. I would not laugh. I would not, under any circumstance, laugh. I wouldn’t giggle, either. “That is not something I hear every day. I think I need a new life. Have you thought about running away? Once I cash the check in my wallet, I think I can get us anywhere. Ever been to Hawaii?”

  I would not laugh, I would not laugh, I would not laugh. I really wanted to laugh.

  Quinn’s sigh broke me, and choking on a giggle, I ran into the bathroom and fished his phone out of the toilet. I set it on the vanity and washed my hands so the running water would cover my mirth.

  “Hawaii is too easy to reach. Someone might find us. It’s not that funny, but you’re welcome to come laugh in my face if you want. I’m not the one she wants to sleep with. She wants to have babies with you.”

  I collapsed against the sink and giggled until I cried. “I’m so sorry. Panama?”

  “Also easy to reach.”

  “Timbuktu?”

  “That’s a bit more remote. I’ll think about it.”

  It took me several minutes to regain any semblance of control. “Quinn, your ex-wife wants to have babies with me, your girlfriend. Me, your girlfriend.”

  “You make it sound really bad when you say it that way, Bailey.”

  I straightened, wrapped Quinn’s broken phone in a towel, and brought it from the bathroom, presenting it to him. “I think it needs a funeral.”

  “You even gave it a funerary shroud.” Quinn unwrapped his phone, sighed, and set it and the towel on the nightstand. “That’s the second one this month.”

  “What happened to the other one?”

  “It had an accident.”

  “A Quinn-created accident?”

  “That phone’s death was entirely your fault. If you hadn’t almost died in a shitty hotel, I wouldn’t have thrown my phone.”

  “You need to stop throwing your phones, Quinn. That’s a bad habit.” I sat on the edge of the bed at his feet and gave his leg a slap. “There’s only one question left.”

  “I’m not sure I want to know what this question is.”

  “Who would be the father?”

  “I was right. I didn’t want to know what the question was. In fact, I don’t want my now-a-gorgon ex-wife anywhere near you, my girlfriend. I definitely don’t want two gorgons near you, my girlfriend.”

  There was only one way it could possibly get any worse, which meant I needed to tell him. “Unless she wants you to be the male gorgon.”

  “Bailey Gardener, that is the most fucked up thing I have ever heard you say. Worse, she was crazy before she became a gorgon, so you might be right.”

  Since I’d already taken one dive into horrible, disgusting yet hilarious waters, what was one more? “Since I’m immune to gorgons, if you become a gorgon, would you still need a female gorgon, or could we make all your little gorgon babies without help?”

  I was a terrible person for laughing, thus earning being kicked off the bed. I hit the carpet and rolled, clutching my sides.

  “You just had to go there, didn’t you? You really had to go there.”

  “I-it’s important,” I choked out.

  So much for not laughing.

  “Becoming Audrey’s gorgon plaything is not on my list of things to do before I die. However, if you’re offering to become the mother of my little babies, I’m definitely interested in hearing your offer. How much practice do you think we need? Do I have to marry you before we practice some more? It’s important.”

  I laughed so hard I cried. “I’m not sure I could handle you as a gorgon. Gorgons have breeding seasons and become sex fiends. I’m not sure it would be possible to contain you if you have an enhanced sex drive. This is a very serious issue, Samuel Quinn.”

  “I’m so glad you find this situation so funny.”

  I howled my laughter. “I can’t help it your ex-wife wants to have babies with your girlfriend. And I thought I had the worst luck.”

  “You’re never going to let this go, are you?”

  “Depends. Will I have to compete with a gorgon harem to keep you? If so, damned straight I’m never going to let this go.”

  “Are you going to kill me if I tell you that I find your jealousy very attractive?”

  “Oh, good. Then you’ll be turned on when I get around to scolding you for running off with my ex-boss.” I giggled, got to my knees, and peered over the edge of the tall bed. “That really did piss me off. She left me on the worst day shift ever.”

  “Ironically, I was asking her for relationship advice.”

  My brain slammed on the breaks. My train of thought plummeted right off a cliff. “You what?” Was Quinn trying to kill me with laughter? “What sort of idiot asks a faery high on pixie dust for relationship advice?”

  “I never said she was high on pixie dust.”

  “Quinn, she’s a faery. She owns a pixie dust shop. She’s always high on pixie dust. That’s a given.”

  “Fine. Yes, I did.”

  Could I actually laugh to death? If I could, I would find out soon enough at the rate I was going. “How did that work out for you?”

  “I should be mad you’re laughing so hard over this.”

  “You asked a faery high on pixie dust for relationship advice. Expecting me not to laugh is unreasonable.”

  Quinn sighed. “The worst part about this? You’re right. To answer your question, I got a twenty-minute lecture on the qualities of the best coffees in the city. Then she told me I’d have better luck if I slept with a cactus instead.”

  Poor, poor Quinn. I winced. “Ouch.”

  “She then suggested I should sit on the cactus so I might fully enjoy the experience, as that was the perfect reflection of her opinion regarding my relationship choices.”

  While Mary could be an epic-level bitch, the type to abandon an employee on a busy day, I never would have dreamed she would come up with something quite so rude and say it to Quinn’s face. “Wow. That was harsh.”

  “She also laughed for five whole minutes. I know because I timed it.”

  I needed to know, even if Quinn got mad at me for asking. “What relationship advice did you ask her for?”

  “I asked, and I quote, ‘Do you think it’s possible to convince Bailey to go on a date with me?’”

  That explained a lot. Oh, boy, did it explain a lot. “I think you might have had an easier time with the cactus, Quinn. I’ve never been on a date in my life.”

  Quinn laughed. “You kept running away every time I tried to talk to you. That’s not my fault. Do you have any idea how much I spent on coffees just for a chance to see you? I needed the light hit of dust to get over my daily dose of rejection.”

  “That is so sad. Pathetic, even.”

  The Plaza had nice, fluffy pillows, and Quinn introduced my face to one. “It gets better. I almost asked her what it would take to get you to sleep with me instead. If I had, I’m not sure she would have survived. I would have killed her. She would have died from laughing at me.”

  “That’s really desperate. And coming from me, that’s pretty pathetic.” I took the pillow before he could smack me with it again. “Really pathetic.”

  “Look at it from my shoes! If
I had known I’d end up falling in love with the woman I hired to prove my wife was cheating on me, I would have just complained about Audrey’s infidelity to an incubus and waited for the sex tapes to show up. I had no idea you’d actually catch her in the act in Central Park. And you were right. Her technique was atrocious.”

  “Wow.” I needed a lot of time to process his words. I got stuck on ‘falling in love’ and the rest slipped in one ear and right out the other. It took me several tries to comprehend everything else he had said. “That should be on a warning label for women across the world: cheat at own risk. Scorned men may jumpstart your career in adult entertainment. Bonus: you’ll debut with an incubus.”

  “I don’t share. Maybe I should have warned you about that before sleeping with you. I don’t handle a few other things well, but I really can’t tolerate cheating.”

  “Does watching me kick a gorgon’s ass count as something you don’t handle well?”

  “Are you kidding? God, no. That was the hottest thing I’ve seen a woman do in a long time, and that’s saying a lot. As soon as I realized you were handling the problem on your own, that is. I think that shaved ten years off my life. No. We’re good there. If anyone tries to touch you, I’ll pay bail if necessary, just kick their ass so hard they never forget it.”

  “He tried to use me as breeding stock, Quinn. Me!”

  “I’m pretty sure everyone within a mile heard you. You were fantastic. I thought you were going to cut his balls off and feed them to him for a while there.”

  “Didn’t have a knife.”

  “That’s a pity. He deserved it. He’s lucky I hadn’t been there, because I’d be in jail right now. They would have been picking up body parts blocks away if I had gotten my hands on him.”

  “You being in jail would make certain things very difficult. I think I can afford your bail now at least. I’d pay your bail bill.”

  “And you call me insatiable.”

  “It’s your fault. You’re Manhattan’s Most Wanted Bachelor.”

  “One day people will realize a divorced man can’t be a bachelor.”