Confined

by Barbi Barnard

  “You’re damn right I am.” I shot back. “I’m sick of all the crap and I’m about to have a selfish moment, but why the hell is this happening to me? Why can’t I have a normal life, with my daughter and a decent man? And don’t give me some psychobabble bullshit.”

  “This is your life,” she said with a smile. “This is normal for you.”

  “No, this is not normal,” I retorted. “This is fucked the hell up.”

  Dr. Conrad snorted softly. “So what are you going to do about it?”

  I shrugged helplessly. “Part of me wants to just get away for a few days, you know, drive down the Oregon coast and find a nice little seaside town to spend a few days in until I feel like I can handle this again.”

  “So what’s stopping you?”

  “Huh?” that was definitely not the response I expected from her. Dr. Conrad was a ‘stay and stick it out’ kind of person, not a ‘go for that vacation you so desperately want to take’ kind of person.

  “When’s the last time you actually relaxed, when did you do something just for you?”

  I shrugged. “I don’t know.”

  “Do this for yourself, and take Emma. Reconnect with her, spend time with her, relax, and rejuvenate. Your body, mind, and spirit will thank you for it.”

  “So you’re actually telling me to take my daughter and ditch town in favor of spending a few days on the beach?”

  “Yes, that’s exactly what I’m telling you. In fact, I’m ordering you to do it. Go and relax, don’t think about the rape or Curtis Duggar. Think about you and what you need to do to finally stop carrying around all this emotional baggage, reconnect with Emma, find out what’s going on in her life and come see me when you get back and if you need anything at all, feel free to call me.”

  “Okay,” I said. “I will. Thank you for all your help.”

  Dr. Conrad smiled warmly. It’s my pleasure. I hope that this little trip clears your head and when you get back you’re rejuvenated and ready to face things that are to come.”

  On the drive home, I thought about what Dr. Conrad said. She actually condoned me leaving town for a few days, which shocked me. Normally she was the kind of person who wanted me to face my fears, to stare the devil in the eye and not even show the slightest tremble of fear.

  Maybe it’s a trick, I thought as I pulled into the driveway. Maybe she’s telling me to go out of town because she thinks that’s what I want to hear and by her agreeing with me, she thinks I won’t do it.

  No, the slightly more logical part of my mind argued. That’s ludicrous. She said to go out of town because it’s a good idea, you need to relax.

  I had to agree. I did need to relax; these last few months had just been too damn stressful. So I’ll go, I decided. I’ll find some nice, interesting, little place and Emma and I can go relax for a few days.

  I shut the car off and climbed out, heading up the front porch and into the house. I thought about the beach, but as flurries of snow drifted down from the sky, I decided against it. It would be pointless to go to the beach if we couldn’t enjoy it. I’d just have to Google and see what I could find.

  What I found piqued my interest. A ranch in Sisters, Oregon where we could ride horses and hike to our hearts desire. I didn’t see Emma or me hiking much, but riding horses was definitely something that we could both do and have a lot of fun doing.

  I clicked the link to make reservations, setting the arrival date for two days from today and paid for the trip. It was a bit more than I could really afford, but Dr. Conrad said it was what I needed so I did it, transferring the money from my savings account to do so.

  When Emma got home from school, I told her about our trip. “You’re really going to let me miss a week of school?” was her response.

  I nodded. “Do you not want to go?”

  “No!” she exclaimed. “I want to go; I just didn’t think you’d want me to miss school. What about Steve, is he going to?”

  “No,” I told her. “This is just for you and me. We need to take a break and relax, just the two of us.”

  “When are we leaving?”

  “Tomorrow, so go think about what you want to take with you. We’ll be gone for a week, so make sure you pack enough clothes and stuff.”

  “Okay,” she said and charged up the stairs.

  I sat down and waited for Steve to get home. He was going to be upset, that much I knew. The trip was only supposed to be for a week, but maybe if things went well I would stay longer, maybe permanently. I needed him to be okay with that, to understand that I was going away because I had to, because if I didn’t I would never be me.

  I was leaving to get myself back, because for too long I’d depended on other people to protect me, to keep me safe and sound and I’d never learned to depend on myself. The realization – that all of my adult life I’d lived swaddled in a cocoon built around me by men whose only flaw was caring too deeply – was profound, I never looked at it that way before. I was too dependent on other people and that’s probably why I never got better, why I never dealt with being raped.

  A little after four, the front door opened and Steve walked in. he found me in the living room where I’d been waiting for him. “Hey, babe,” he said dropping down on the cushion beside me. The couch sank under his weight and I leaned in to kiss his cheek. “How was your day?”

  I took a deep breath in preparation. “It was good. I have something I want to talk to you about though.”

  Steve’s face instantly changed. “What happened?”

  “Tomorrow Emma and I are leaving Mora-“

  “You’re leaving town?” he interrupted.

  “Only for a little while,” I continued. “I need to clear my head and work through some things on my own.”

  “JoJo,” Steve said, running his hands through his hair. “I don’t understand. I thought things were okay. I thought you were okay, I thought we were making progress.” He paused, his eyes a storm of confliction, pain and confusion. “I thought we were happy.”

  “I am happy,” I told him. “But I’m not okay, Steve. I’m far from okay. I let the past oppress me, I let it be my burden and it needs to stop.”

  “Let me help-“

  “No, Steve, no. Because that’s exactly the problem. I let everyone else help me and I never helped myself. This is just something I have to do on my own.”

  “Let me see if I’ve got this right,” he said, standing, getting angry. “We’ve gone through so much, dealt with so much, started to get past so much and now you’re telling me that you’re leaving, you’re leaving Mora, and more importantly, leaving me?”

  I stood as well, squaring my shoulders, fighting the tears that wanted to spill. He was taking this all wrong and I had no idea how to make him see it my way so I did the only thing I could think of. I looked him in the eye and said, “Yes. This is something I have to do. I have to figure out who I am so that I can be the best woman for you.”

  “I like the woman you are,” he said petulantly.

  “Screwed up and dysfunctional?” I asked.

  “Whatever JoJo, if that’s how you see yourself.”

  “I don’t understand why your acting this way,” I retorted. “It’s not like I’m leaving and never coming back. I’m taking my daughter on vacation for a week, we’re going to ride some horses and drink cocoa in front of a fire. If you can’t handle that, then maybe you and I aren’t really as good as we thought.” I stuck my chin out defiantly, refusing to back down.

  “Fine,” he said, relenting, “Leave, just call and let me know you made it okay.”

  With that, he quietly left the living room. From where I stood, I heard the front door open and shut, and just like that, he was gone.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Steve

  The sun was peeking over the eastern horizon as JoJo’s red Nissan backed down the driveway, its taillights forging a path in the lingering darkness. I stood in my kitchen window watching, the last swallows of what was a steam
ing cup of coffee in my left hand, the filmy cotton curtain in my right.

  She didn’t even say goodbye. That stung. I didn’t pretend to understand her desperate need to ditch Mora and hide out somewhere far away from here for awhile. I thought we were doing so well. I thought we had made serious headway into our life together.

  I guess I thought wrong and here I was, standing in the dark kitchen all alone. As the Nissan disappeared around the corner, I let the curtain drop back into place and made my way toward the sink where I dumped the remaining coffee.

  I need a run, I thought, heading toward the bedroom to change. Nothing made sense right now. I felt like the rug has been pulled out from under me. Seven days, she’d said. What did she hope to accomplish in a week? I wondered. It wasn’t as if she could change her whole perspective in a week, she couldn’t change the past or make it come undone, like a ribbon pulled from a little girl’s braid; freed and allowed to blow away on the breeze.

  Whatever JoJo was running from would still be here when she came back. This would still be the place where she was raped; this would still be the place where she was stalked. This would still be the place of unimaginable suffering. Nothing, not even a week in the mountains, could change that.

  In my room, I fumbled around in the drawer for a pair of running shorts, pissed because I couldn’t find them in the dark. It would have been easier to turn on a light, but that would have alleviated some of the anger and right now, I needed it. When I finally found the shorts, I yanked them from the drawer, then pulled them on, grabbed a t-shirt out of the laundry basket at the foot of the bed and took to the stairs.

  After I pulled on my shoes, I stepped into the misty morning. The sky was the color of depression, bleak and gray; cluttered with clouds swollen with the promise of rain much heavier than the light mist that currently swirled in the air. I rolled my shoulders and took a deep breath, exhaling all the negativity floating around my brain.

  As I passed JoJo’s house, I looked up at the empty dwelling, missing her already. I couldn’t help but wonder again what she hoped to accomplish during her stay in Oregon. Then I wondered why it bothered me so much, her wanting to go out of town.

  Maybe it was the fact that she didn’t ask me to go along. Maybe it was the fact that I didn’t feel secure with our future. We didn’t have a plan; we didn’t even have a label. We were just two people bumbling through life together, our existence marked only by a random dinner here, a night spent sleeping beside her there.

  For the first time ever, I wondered where we were going – what we were doing. Was I waiting for her to get better, all the while secretly hoping that when she did, she’d choose me? Was I just some kind of placeholder, someone to chase the darkness away from an otherwise empty existence?

  Maybe it was a good thing she went out of town, I thought, because she’s not the only one who has some things to figure out. It’s a funny feeling when you find out everything you thought you knew turns out to be a clever crafted piñata just waiting to be busted open.

  I pushed the thoughts from my mind and focused on the road stretched out in front of me. She kept creeping back in though. She’ll be back, my mind whispered. No matter what is or isn’t going on between you. She’ll be back, just give her time to deal with whatever is going on in her head. You should be proud of her for fighting back, even if she chooses to do it from Oregon. She’s not burying her head in the sand and pretending her issues don’t exist, she’s aware of the problem and she’s looking for a way to fix it. Give her time and stop being so mad. You knew what you were getting yourself into when you started getting involved with her. Granted, the stalker bit was unexpected, but you knew she was damaged goods. Deal with it or put the dented can back on the shelf and move on. Those are your two options here, slick.

  My subconscious was right. Let her handle her business and deal with it, or give her up and move on, those were my options and there was no way in hell I was going to give her up. As I rounded the bend in the road, I saw my house waiting up ahead. I charged toward it, enjoying the burn in my legs and lungs.

  As I reached the driveway, I slowed and eventually came to a stop, huffing and puffing as I caught my breath, the cold cutting like shards of glass in my lungs. When she calls tonight, I’m going to apologize, I decided, making my way into the house. But until then, I had work to do.

  ***

  Later that morning, after showering and dressing for the day, I headed into the station. It felt weird, going to work and knowing that JoJo wasn’t going to be there. Fuck it, I told myself as I climbed the stairs.

  At the door, the prosecuting attorney, Ray Garza, greeted me with a cup of hot coffee. “Morning Chief,” he said, handing me the coffee.

  “Morning,” I replied.

  “I wanted to drop by and let you know the trial will be starting Monday. You and Miss Weston will need to be deposed before you can testify. We can do that at your earliest convenience. Just give me a call.”

  “I will. Miss Weston, however, is currently out of town.”

  “When does she plan on returning?”

  “Not until the Wednesday after the trial starts.”

  Ray ran his pudgy fingers through his thinning grey hair. “Well, I’m going to have to contact her; she needs to be here for this. The trial is, after all, directly related to her, she’s the reason it’s happening.”

  I nodded. “I understand. If you’d like me to call her and let her know, I will. It’s not a big deal.”

  “Please do; and please stress the fact that she must return to testify lest she be held in contempt.”

  I didn’t know what the hell he meant by that, so I nodded again and entered the station. Fate was a motherfucker who loved to conspire against her. I sighed, hating that I had to be the one to tell her she had to cut her trip short, and return home, however, it was what it was and I would do it because I had to.

  Once in my office, I shut the door, sat down behind my desk, and reached for the phone, my fingers hovering over the receiver. Did I really want to call and ruin her vacation before it started or should I wait a couple days and play it off like I just found out?

  Before I could make a decision, the phone rang, scaring me. I jumped like a pussy and picked up the phone. “Chief Jamison,” I barked.

  "Good morning, Steve." Hearing JoJo's sweet voice providing a sense of relief.

  “Morning Miss Weston,” I replied, all the anger that’d been directed at her going right out the window. “How are you?”

  “Tired of driving,” she answered. “We still have about four more hours until we get there.”

  “Yeah, about that. I talked to the prosecuting attorney this morning-“

  “Oh, here we go,” she muttered. “What now?”

  “The trial starts on Monday.”

  JoJo groaned and muttered something incomprehensible. “Go figure.”

  “I know,” I replied. “They want to depose you sometime this week so you can testify.”

  “Really great. So I paid for a week in the mountains for no reason, because I’m going to have to come back in a day to be deposed for a trial, then I’m going to have to testify at said trial.” There was a tense silence for a moment then she muttered, “That’s really fucking great.”

  I snapped; all the previous irritation I’d felt returned instantaneously. “This trial is because of you, because some crazy dude thought it would be fun to make your life a living hell. Get over it. If it’s such an issue, don’t come back, don’t testify against Curtis. He’ll be acquitted and go right back to making creepy phone calls and breaking into your house. You know, you’re acting all pissy about this, but it’s not just you that this has affected.”