by LP Lovell
That said, James is a decent guy, so I say yes. “That would be great.” I smile politely.
He grins. “Great. I have your number. I’ll call you.” The song finishes and James moves away, telling me he has business to discuss. I’m relieved to be left alone.
I snatch a glass of champagne from a passing waiter and all but inhale it as I make my way back to where Harry is now sat with three girls. I catch sight of Simmons pointing toward me as he talks to some people. Fuck that. Yes, I should be interested in boosting my career, but I have noticed that I’m only ever introduced to male clients. The old boy isn’t stupid.
I change course and make my way back inside. I’m waiting at the bar for some much needed alcohol when a high pitched voice interrupts my silent pining for hard liquor. “He’s over you, you know.”
I turn to see the trashy blonde that was with Theo earlier standing right next to me. She’s even more trashy up close. Too much leg, too much cleavage and too much make up. I smile sweetly at her. “I’m sorry. You are?”
“Arabella. Theo and I go way back.” She smirks at me.
“Arabella, I’m going to give you some advice. First…” I flick my eyes down her body. “Less is more. Second, you shouldn’t start trying to antagonise strangers.” I lean in close and whisper in her ear. “I know you think you’re special sweetheart, but you’re not. In fact, girls like you are ten a penny. The fact that you feel the need to come over here and stake your claim, tells me you have none and you know it.” Her face twists into a sneer. I turn away from her and order my drink. I buy a triple vodka, and manage to find a quiet corner. I just need a moment, and then I’ll be fine. I’ll talk to some clients, forge some future headway and all that jazz.
“Ah, there you are Miss Parker.” Jesus Christ, he’s like a fucking blood hound. I look up into the wide smile of Mr. Simmons. “Mr. Ellis here was just telling me what a marvellous job you’ve done on some of his contracts.”
I take a big gulp of my drink and smile, because that’s the appropriate response right? Where is Harry? He’s supposed to be making this fun. Sitting here, facing my boss and my ex is not fun.
“That’s very kind. Thank you.”
“Well, I have a favour to ask in return Miss Parker.” Theo’s eyes sparkle in the dim light.
“Ask away.” I say flatly. I down the rest of my vodka, not even bothering with bloody pretenses. If Simmons notices my rudeness or my heavy drinking, he doesn’t say anything.
“Dance with me.” He says it like a command, but I can hear the smile in his voice.
“Fine.” I huff. It’s not like I can seriously argue the case in front of my boss. I stand but don’t take his hand. I walk past him to the dance floor where I turn around to face him. He walks to me slowly, an arrogant smirk pulling at his lips. I want to slap that face almost as much as I want to sit on it. He moves closer, his movements confident, strong and ridiculously fucking sexy. As if he himself wasn’t enough…he’s wearing a tux. And fuck my life, he looks edible. Not for the first time, I have to remind myself to hate him. He winds his arm around my waist and I can feel the heat of his hand on the small of my back, through my dress. I place my hands on his shoulders and am sure not to make eye contact with him. I’ll dance with him once and then I’ll go. He can’t make me look at him. This doesn’t have to be intimate if I don’t allow it to be. He pulls me tight against him until my entire body is flush with his and I can feel his breath on my neck. Okay, still not intimate, still not intimate. The song changes to Pull Me Down by Mikky Ekko. It used to be one of my favourite songs, now it just reminds me painfully of him. The first line croons I heard you were trouble. Sounds about right. We start to move in a slow circle. Let’s just say this is not the sort of party you can start bumping and grinding at, shame.
“Really Lilly, Hardy? You can do better.” He grates out.
“Funny, he just said exactly the same thing about you.” I snap. “Shouldn’t you be dancing with your date?” I ask. I’m not bitter or jealous, honestly.
He smirks arrogantly and bends his head near my neck. “Are you jealous sugar?” His breath tickles my ear and I shiver involuntarily.
“Didn’t you get the memo? I’m over you. Oh, and that means you can take back the car that’s currently parked outside my house.” I growl.
He laughs and it’s deep rumble that makes my body jump to attention. Just breathe, I think to myself. “The car is a gift.” He says. “To replace the one you sold.” I say nothing. I am not getting into the issues with Cassie here in the middle of my firm’s party.
“I sold it because I didn’t want it.”
“You’re mine Lilly, and I want you to have it.” He says in that low husky voice. I don’t even pull him up on the ‘mine’ shit.
“There you go with your possessive shit again. I’m surprised you haven’t gone all macho on Hardy’s arse yet…again. I was half expecting you to cock your leg on me, or hell, just whip it out and get out the tape measure.” I huff as he slowly spins me away from him. I pause with both our arms outstretched. My fingers thrum from the electricity of his touch. I meet his eyes and my chest constricts. He’s so damn beautiful, but it’s the look in his eyes. He looks at me as though I’m…everything. Damn it.
He pulls me back to him and flashes that arrogant, underwear combusting smirk. “No need. I saw the way you looked at him…it’s not the way you look at me.” He’s right, it’s not and it never will be for anyone but him.
My chest tightens as I start to panic a little, he’s doing it again, reeling me in. Fuck. The gravelly voice sings; so pull me down if you want to, and I hope that you want to, cause I want to be your man. It’s all too much. I can’t do this with him, not here. I look away from him focusing on the guests dancing around us.
He pulls me tight against the warmth of his chest. “Lilly. Look at me.” He says quietly. I brace myself. I don’t want to look at him, because if I do, any semblance of resolve will fall apart. I remember all the pain he’s caused me and I hold onto it. I draw on it as I swing my gaze to his. I expect to see that cocky, under wear melting smile on his face, but a small frown mars his features. “You need to stay away from Hardy.” He says gruffly. I can’t deal with his weird possessive shit right now.
“I need to go.” I pull away from him, but his hand clamps down on my arm. He pulls me close and holds me tight to his chest.
“Always running.” He murmurs in my ear.
“Please let me go Theo.” My voice comes out shaky, almost panicked. He pulls back and looks at me, his eyebrows pulled together.
“Are you scared of me Lilly?”
I shake my head. I’m not scared of him in the traditional sense, but I’m terrified of the person I am around him. He renders me weak at every turn. He blows through all my defences with just a look. He can wound me with a few words. I hate it. I hate him. I love him. Fuck.
He grabs my hand and turns away from the dance floor. He pulls me across the room until he reaches a door. I try and pull away from his grip, but his hold is firm. We head down a corridor and through another door until we’re in a supply room.
“I’m not having sex with you.” I snap. The room is small with shelves stacked with cleaning products. The light in here is dim, and I can just make out his face as it falls in shadow.
He laughs. “Don’t worry. I didn’t whisk you away for a romp in a supply cupboard.”
I have no doubt that’s exactly what he wants. After all, I do seem to spread my legs for him at every available opportunity. Yeah, like I said, weak.
“Lilly.” I don’t look at him. I study a spot on the floor.
“What do you want?” I ask.
“I want you to look at me.” I lift my eyes and look at him. He takes a step forward and I back up quickly.
He frowns. “Why are you scared of me? Has someone hurt you?” His voice is low, but deadly.
“No.” I stammer. Jesus, what the fuck is wrong with me?
He reache
s out to touch me and I recoil as if his hand is on fire. If he touches me it’s over and he’ll just use me again.
“Please don’t touch me.”
“Why not? I’d never hurt you, you know that.” I laugh. I laugh so hard it hurts my stomach. “Lilly?” He looks at me like I’ve lost it. Maybe I have.
“You’d never hurt me.” I repeat. “That’s funny.” I turn around and grab the door handle trying to escape before I can blurt anything else. His fingers grasp the tops of my arms and pin them to my sides. His body presses against my back. A tear of frustration runs down my face because I like it. I like his touch. I like his body pressed against mine. He has caused me nothing but pain. He’s hurt me and he’s used me, and yet I can’t find the strength to hate him. I lean my forehead against the door as my body shakes with frustration and anger.
“I’m sorry.” He whispers.
“Please let me go.” I say quietly. If I raise my voice I know it will tremble and I can’t let him see how weak he makes me.
He spins me to face him. I slam my eyes shut. I can’t look at him. “Talk to me Lilly.” His voice is soft and careful. I say nothing.
“Maybe I should just fuck you. Sometimes I think the only time you’re really with me is when I’m inside of you.” I swallow hard. “So tell me, are you going to talk to me like a friend, or am I going to have to fuck you?”
“Neither.” I try to escape his hold. He tightens his grip. He winds his fingers through my hair and runs his nose up my throat, inhaling my scent. Oh god, it’s like my skin is on fire. I tremble. Fuck. Every time. I’m like a crack whore just waiting for him to give me my next fix. His tongue flicks across my pulse line. I spin out of his grip and stagger away from him. My chest heaves as I try to catch my breath. My body is rigid tense.
“Just stop. You want me to talk? Fine. I want to hate you. I want to forget you ever existed. I want to be able to walk into that room and pick up a guy.” He clenches his jaw, the muscles ticking slightly. “I want to be over you so much, but I can’t, and that makes me hate myself. And it hurts, so much being near you. I can’t bare your touch because it just makes the pain worse.” Why am I even telling him this? Oh right, to keep him from touching me. Jesus, I’m a mess. The fact is, I’m consumed by a crippling loneliness that I try desperately to hide. There are some holes that can’t be filled. I want so badly to just give in to it. I miss him. I don’t even let myself think it usually, but I do. He completed me before he tore me apart. Right now, I’m ready to be torn apart, because my heart can’t take it anymore. I can’t fight. I’ve got nothing left. I’m done riding this emotional rollercoaster.
“I wish I could go back you know. I’d give anything to change it. I miss you as though you are the very air I breathe, Lilly.”
I bite the inside of my cheek to stop the tears that try to break free. I take a deep breath and slide down the closest wall to the floor. I close my eyes and lean my head back against the wall. I feel him sit down next to me. I open my eyes and twist my head to look at him. His full lips are pursed. His arm touches mine and my skin breaks out in goose bumps.
“I miss you. I miss us.” I whisper. There’s no tension between us for once, no animosity. We’re just talking. I’m tired of fighting him. I have my friends, but Theo was my rock. I know it’s crazy how you can only know someone a few months and be so reliant on them. He forced his way into my life, and once I let him in, that was it. I needed him without even realising it. When Cassie got pregnant it cut me deep. It wasn’t even his fault, but it felt like everything fell apart at that moment. I guess I put him on a pedestal and then ran when he fell from it. He was always bound to fall though wasn’t he?
He nods, his expression solemn. “You seem so sad.”
I close my eyes and swallow hard. I nod.
“I hurt you.” He whispers. “I took something good, and I broke it.”
I open my eyes to find him staring straight ahead. His jaw is clenched. “I was broken long before you met me. You fixed me, even if it was just for a little while.” I sigh and turn to face him. I lean my head against the wall as I watch him.
“I broke us. You are not broken Lilly. You’re perfect.” He wraps his hand around the nape of my neck and leans forward to kiss my forehead. “I wish you could see what I see.” This is what he does for me, he holds me together. He makes me feel whole, normal, unbroken. I lean my head on his shoulder. Just a minute. I’ll just stay here a minute, get my fix. He presses his palm to my cheek, holding me in place. I breathe in his scent and revel in his warmth. His presence is like a fire to my cold soul. He fills the void within me. Being near him is comforting and safe in a way that I feel with no other. Just one more minute, I tell myself.
Chapter Seventeen
Theo
This is the first time we’ve really talked in nearly two months. She always seems so strong and implacable, that I never really know what’s going on in that head of hers. This small moment of weakness feels like something rare and precious. I hold her tight, never wanting to let go of this moment, to let go of her.
Eventually though, she pulls away from me. “I should go.” She says quietly.
“I missed you.” I smile at her. “It’s been a really long time since I’ve seen you.”
“You saw me last week.”
“It wasn’t you. I haven’t seen my Lilly for a long time.” I touch her lips which are slightly parted. I want to kiss her. I want to take her home and never let her go. I know that when she walks out of this room she’ll have her walls up again and my Lilly will be gone.
She drops her eyes, her eyelashes sweeping over her cheeks. “That girl is gone.”
“No, she’s not.” I say quietly.
“You want the happy go lucky girl, Theo. She doesn’t exist. That’s why we would never work, regardless of Cassie. The person you think you love…she’s a lie. I was living in a fairy tale that couldn’t last.” Her voice is so desperately sad. She can’t seriously believe that, can she?
I grit my jaw. “You’re wrong.”
She watches me silently for a while. “Why did you buy me another car?” She asks quietly.
“Why did you sell the first one?” I counter. I tense. This will be the moment where the shutters come down.
She sighs. “I’m guessing you already know why. To help Cassie.” Her eyes go distant. Here it comes. I want to scream at her to stay with me. “She needed the money, and I didn’t need the car.” It doesn’t happen. “How do you think I felt Theo? She got sacked and lost her flat that came with the job. She was taking drugs. She was desperate. Meanwhile I’m driving around in a hundred grand car from the man who should be helping her.”
We sit in silence for a while. “I can’t deal with it Lilly. I mean, a baby. I just, I’m not ready to deal with it.”
“I know.” She offers a small smile. “And that’s okay, but at some point you are going to have to deal with it. I know that you would never forgive yourself if that baby is born with problems and you did nothing to stop her, but you did stop her. You bought that car, so in a roundabout way you paid for her rehab.”
I smile. “Nice try, but that is all on you.” I study her brilliant green eyes, her attention fixed on me. “Thank you.” I whisper. She dealt with a situation that she knew I couldn’t deal with, at the cost of her own pain, and for that I’m grateful. “As for the new car…I didn’t like the idea that you had lost your car taking care of something that’s my responsibility, so I bought you another one. I guess it was a way of making myself feel better.”
She sighs. “You can’t keep doing this Theo. You buy me cars. You warn off my clients. You buy off my friends. You fuck me and use me.” Her voice breaks slightly. “Quite frankly I think you need help. You need to let me go.” Her voice is barely above a whisper.
I grab her chin and make her look at me. “Never.” I breathe. “I’m sorry for that night at Note. I’ve never been so jealous in my life. I wanted to hurt you. It was a shitty thing
to do. My only defence is that I’m not rational when it comes to you.”
She smiles slightly. “Theodore Ellis, jealous? I never thought I’d see the day.”
“I’m always jealous when it comes to you. Every time you walk in a room I want to claw the eyes out of every man in it.” I reach out and pinch a piece of her hair between my fingers, it’s so soft, like silk. She lifts a shaky hand to my face and trails her fingers over my jaw. Her face is full of sadness and longing. “I love you Lilly.” I say without thought.
She averts her eyes away from me. She doesn’t say anything for a while. “There’s a lot you don’t know about me Theo, things I can never tell you. You would be better off with Cassie. She can give you things I never will.” She twists her head to the side and swipes at a tear as it tracks down her face. She looks so defeated.
I almost laugh, Cassie is the last person on earth I’d want to go anywhere near. “What does that mean?”
“It means that although you can’t see it now, I did the right thing.” She manages a small smile.
I cup her cheek. “How can this be the right thing? There is nothing you can’t give me Lilly. I know you don’t feel the same way about me as…” She presses her fingers to my lips.
“I do, but it’s not enough to overcome some things.”
“You know there’s nothing you can’t tell me, right?”
She releases a shuddering breath. “The situation may not be perfect Theo, but I’m not ready to watch you walk away for good, not yet anyway.”
She brushes some hair off my forehead, a small smile on her lips, even as her eyes shimmer with tears. I wish she would just tell me her secrets, let me into her world. “Let’s just say that some experiences…they scar people. Some scars are impossible to heal no matter how much time passes. I live my life the way I do for a reason. It keeps the demons out. It allows the scars to fade. Even without Cassie, we would have ended sooner or later, because you make me feel, and that makes me weak.” She sniffs. “God, I don’t know why I’m telling you this.”
