by LP Lovell
“I’m glad you’re telling me this. It helps me understand.” I smile at her. “I don’t agree with it, but it does help. Tell me this Lilly…why are you so determined to always fight on your own? Why can you never rely on anyone? I would be there for you, you know I would.”
She looks impossibly sad. “Didn’t anyone ever tell you…the only person you can rely on in this life is yourself.” She offers a small sad smile. “I should go.” She moves to stand, but I pull her back down and she falls into my lap. She moves to straddle my legs, her skirt fanning across her thighs. I wrap a hand around her nape and pull her to me. Her breath hitches as I brush my lips over hers, tasting the salt of her tears. Her hands fist in my shirt. I kiss her like the precious thing she is to me. She parts her lips and her warm breath touches my tongue. I groan against her mouth. I trail my fingers down her jaw and to her throat. I rest my palm across her throat gently, feeling her rapid pulse under my fingertips. She stiffens at once. She rips away from me and gasps for breath as her fingers claw at my wrist. I release her immediately. The look on her face is pure panic. She launches to her feet and staggers backward as she rubs at her throat. What the fuck?
“Lilly.” I say her name quietly. Her eyes snap to mine and I can see the confusion in them.
“Theo?” She frowns.
“What was that?”
“I…I have to go.” She darts to the door and pulls it open. I’m up and after her in a heartbeat.
“Lilly.” I call after her. She keeps walking. “Lilly.” I finally catch up to her and spin her to face me. Her skin is pale, and she’s shaking.
“I’m fine.”
“You are not fine. I’ll take you home.” I start to guide her to the lift.
She shakes her head. “I need to get back to the party.”
“Don’t make me remove you forcibly. I am taking you home, and you are going to explain to me what just happened so I can kill whoever hurt you.” My tone leaves no room for argument.
She sighs and turns toward the lift. What, no hand to hand combat? I’m shocked.
I follow her into the lift. There’s another older couple in the lift, but they pay little attention to us. I grab her hand in mine. She’s shaking, and despite the effort she’s putting into trying to look okay, I know she’s not. I’m going to kill the fucker who laid a fucking finger on her.
“You need to text Harry.” I say shortly. I see her nod out of the corner of my eye.
She doesn’t say anything the entire way down in the lift. We walk through the lobby and out the front of the building. She still says nothing as the valet brings the car round. I open her door for her and she gets in without looking in my direction.
As we drive through London I glance her way, but her face is always turned away toward the window.
Eventually I break the silence. “Are you going to tell me what happened back there?” I ask quietly.
She sighs. “It doesn’t matter. Just forget about it.”
“Someone hurt you.” I growl. “I cannot just forget about it.” I turn onto her street and pull up outside her flat, right behind the cherry red Maserati.
“No one hurt me. I just don’t like having my throat touched.” She frowns.
“Bullshit.”
She turns and glares at me. “Fuck you.”
I grab her chin and force her to look right at me. “I have had my hands on every inch of your body. Every fucking inch, and there is nowhere you don’t like being touched, so let’s try that again shall we? Who hurt you?”
She wrenches her face away from my grasp. “Thanks for the lift.” She jumps out of the car before I have a chance to say anything else.
Fuck. She’s not getting out of this, not this time. I take a moment to collect myself. If I go in there like this then this will just end up in a fight.
I test the main door to her block of flats, and luckily it’s not locked. I slip through the door and come to a halt. Lilly has a woman pinned against the opposite wall by her throat. The woman is wiry and wrinkled. She looks as though she’s had a hard life. What grabs my attention though is Lilly. Aggression and hatred pour off her in waves. I’ve never seen her like this. She says something to the woman. I can’t hear the words, but her tone is low and deadly. As I watch the woman claw at Lilly’s arm, I realise this isn’t just a warning and she’s out for blood. Time to step in.
Chapter Eighteen
Lilly
I unlock the door and look up. My breath leaves me in a whoosh and I drop my keys as I stagger slightly. Standing outside my door is someone straight out of my nightmares. Her hazel eyes are dead and lifeless. Her auburn hair is dull and frizzy. The jumper she wears hangs from her lean frame. She looks dirty and dishevelled, like the filth that she is.
There are few people in this world I despise more than my mother. I haven’t seen her in eight years, but she still has the ability to make me feel worthless and wounded. My hands start to shake violently as the fear of her presence leaks into my veins. I’m not scared of her, but some ingrained part of me says that if she’s here, then he might be, too. I look around quickly, more out of habit than anything else. He used to like the anticipation, liked it when we didn’t know what was coming next. Right now my heart is hammering in my chest. He’s gone, he can’t touch you. I tell myself.
“Hello Lilly.” She says. Her eyes go soft as though she’s happy to see me.
“How did you find me?” I manage to say through my gritted teeth.
She looks at the ground and then back to me. “I saw you in the paper. You’ve grown up to be so beautiful.” She smiles and my stomach rolls.
“Shut up.” I snap, unable to listen to her shit. “Why are you here?”
“I wanted to see you. You’re my daughter.” She looks up, eyes searching my face. “He took you.” She grates out. “You were my baby and he took you.” Her eyebrows pull together and she has the audacity to look angry. I’m across the space before I even have time to think about it.
I stand close to her. “Why are you fucking here? What do you want?”
“I told you. I want to see you.” She reaches out to touch me and I leap back like I’ve been burned.
“I don’t want to see you. Ever. Everything about you disgusts me. Now leave and don’t come back.” I growl. I’m still shaking, partly through fear, partly through anger. Mostly I’m shaking because the past that I have been running from for the past eight years is now looking right at me.
“No!” She shouts. “He took you and he had no right.” She doesn’t seem very stable, but then years of drinking yourself to unconsciousness will do that for you.
Before I can stop myself I have her pinned up against the wall by her throat. She tries to fight me, but the rage coursing through my body allows me the strength to hold the bitch.
All I can see is red, my focus entirely on the woman in front of me. If I could, I know I would kill her. That is how much I hate her.
“He had every fucking right to take a child away from a mother who was incapable of looking after herself, let alone children. He had every fucking right to run from a woman who allowed her husband to beat and abuse her and her children. You’re selfish and weak. You disgust me. You deserve nothing. I hope you go home and drink yourself into an early grave. It’s exactly what you deserve.” I squeeze my hand tighter and she starts to claw at my wrist. I don’t let go. She gasps for breath. I want to hold on, I want to watch the life drain from her, the way I had to watch Harry’s drain from him with each punch. I fucking hate her, so much. I want her to suffer. I want her dead.
“Lilly.” Theo’s voice pulls me from the red haze slightly. He places his hand on my arm which has her pinned against the wall. “Lilly, let go.” I turn my head to him. His eyes are concerned, searching my face. I release my grip and stagger back a few steps. I wanted to kill her. Oh my god. I’m becoming a monster. I release the breath I’d been holding and then I’m in Theo’s arms. I press my face into his chest, drawing on his s
trength like a battery. His arms are like a vice around me, protecting me from everything.
“You need to go.” He growls over my head. I’ve heard that tone before, and it leaves no room for argument.
He holds my face and forces me to look at him. “Lilly. Are you okay?” I’m numb, my mind going back to a memory long forgotten.
I was ten. Harry and I had just come home from school to find my mother unconscious on the living room floor. This was a regular occurrence. There was no food in the house, so Harry went to her purse to find money so he could buy food. No one else cared whether or not we were fed, so it fell on Harry’s ten year old shoulders.
Just as he was looking for money, Shane came in. I hid behind the sofa. Whenever he was around I always hid.
“You stealing money boy?” He asked Harry.
“There’s no food.” Harry said calmly.
“The day you earn money, you can buy food, until then, you get what you’re given.”
I watched with fear as Harry frowned and looked him straight in the eye. “It’s mum’s money, not yours. We’re her kids, the least she could do is feed us.”
Shane smacked Harry across the face so hard his head snapped back as blood burst from his nose. Harry staggered back until he was led on the floor next to my mother’s unconscious form.
“You need to learn some manners you little shit.” He stepped toward Harry, and I ran out from behind the sofa.
“Harry!” I cried as tears ran down my face. I ran toward him, only to find myself being thrown backwards and pinned to the wall by my throat.
“There you are princess.” His breath always made me feel sick. Tobacco and whiskey. I struggled as he held me against the wall. My feet weren’t touching the ground and my throat burned as I tried to drag air into my lungs. I coughed, but I didn’t mind, because he was leaving Harry alone. My vision blurred, my head swam, my lungs faltered and then I blacked out.
“Lilly. Lilly! Shit.” Theo picks me up, unlocks the flat and walks me to the sofa. I’m shaking hard, my jaw so clenched that my teeth hurt. I hold my head, as I feel tears well in my eyes. Images of Harry being beaten a hundred different ways burst through my mind, the sick manic look in that psycho’s eyes as he did it. The smell of tobacco and whiskey fills my senses and I start to wretch.
“Lilly. Look at me.” I hear his voice, but my mind is locked in my own personal hell. He grabs my face, forcing me to look into his clear blue eyes. “You stay with me sugar. Focus on me.” I nod slowly.
“Harry.” I say. He nods and picks up my phone. He fiddles with it for a moment before putting it to his ear.
“Harry, it’s Theo.” He says. I can’t make out Harry’s exact words, but I definitely heard a few expletives thrown in.
Theo stands and walks into the kitchen. I can hear faint mumblings, but I can’t hear what’s being said. I focus on his deep voice, trying to keep my mind in the here and now.
He appears again a few minutes later, his eyes meet mine filled with concern. “Are you okay?” I take a deep breath and close my eyes.
“Is she gone?” I ask.
He nods. “Here drink this.” He passes me a short glass of vodka, which I neck. “Who was that?” He asks quietly.
I signal for him to pour me another, which he does. “My mother.” I whisper. He knows very little about my mother. Hell, he knows very little about my life. He does know that she’s dead to me, and he knows I don’t like to talk about her.
He studies my face intently before he brushes his fingers gently across my cheek. I’m fragile and his kindness is enough to break me. I feel a tear slide down my cheek. Oh god, he’s the last person who I want to see this shit. Without a word he sits down and pulls me across the sofa into his arms. He holds me so tight, that for a perfect moment my broken pieces are held together in the safety of his arms. I grip his shirt, wanting to be closer to him. I inhale his natural musky scent and it clears my mind. It helps keep me in the present. I allow myself to relax, to draw on his strength. I’m so tired of fighting him, of fighting myself, that it feels so good to just stop. He strokes my hair as I press my face into his neck. The despair and grief of a few moments ago seems so far away now. His touch soothes me in ways I don’t want to admit to. I feel safe here, he is my safe place.
A few minutes later Harry storms in looking positively murderous. His eyes fix on Theo and I don’t miss the silent exchange of testosterone. I leap off Theo’s lap like the preacher' daughter caught with the local biker boy. I feel my face heat as I avert my gaze from Harry.
“Has she gone?” He asks me. His body is rigid. I nod. “I cannot believe she came here. I’ll kill the bitch myself. How did she find you?”
“Newspaper.” I say sheepishly.
Harry glares at Theo. “Did she hurt you?”
“No.” I shake my head and then proceed to tell Harry everything about my exchange with my mother. “Where shall we go Harry?” I meet his eyes, he stares back at me, but says nothing.
He drops down on the couch next to me. “I…I don’t think we should run this time Lill’s.” He frowns.
“Run?” Theo meets my gaze fiercly.
I ignore him and turn my attention back to Harry. “We have to. She found us.”
“Yeah, but we can’t run forever. You have a job here, a life.” He offers me a small smile as he brushes my jaw with his knuckles.
“But Harry…”
He cuts me off. “Don’t worry about it baby girl. I always fix it don’t I?”
“I don’t want you to have to fix it.” I throw my arms around his neck. He wraps his arms around me, holding me tight. “For you Lill’s…always.” God I love my brother. I worry about him though. I worry about what he sacrifices, so that I can have this ‘normal’ life. “Look, I’ve got to make some calls. You okay here?”
“I’ll stay with her.” Theo says. Harry looks at him, his jaw clenched, the muscle twitching. Then he turns and kisses my forehead before leaving without a word.
“I guess I’m not his favourite person.” Theo says as he pulls me to lay down with my head on his lap.
“You’re at the top of the shit list.” I smirk. “Don’t worry, you should be used to it. I know at least three people with your name sitting in prime position.”
“Well, that makes me feel better about it. Tell me, does your brother own a gun?” I giggle, that would be the vodka kicking in then.
He pulls the throw from the back of the sofa to cover me, and then proceeds to stroke my hair. I want to sleep, but memories assault me, and I know when I close my eyes the nightmares will be waiting.
“Can you stay with me?” I ask. I shouldn’t want him here. I should tell him to go.
“I’m still not convinced your brother doesn’t have a gun, but for you, anything.”
“Can you just talk to me?” Really? God.
“Sure sugar.” I smile. He talks to me about nothing in particular. A holiday home he’s just bought in Cape Verde, which he promises to take me to one day. I know that won’t happen, but I revel in the fantasy of it. I live in a fantastical part of my mind, where Theo can be my everything. Where nothing outside of us exists. I drift to sleep to the sound of his deep rumbling voice and his fingers in my hair. I feel whole for the first time in a long time.
I wake up on the sofa, Theo is gone but I can hear his voice in the kitchen. He’s arguing with someone, their voices are hushed but angry.
“You are not to come near her, are we clear?” Harry.
“I can’t stay away from her, believe me I’ve tried.”
There’s a low growl. “You fucking broke her. She is not the same person she was. That’s on you. You’re like a fucking virus that she can’t get over. If you even remotely give a shit about her, you’ll leave her alone.”
“I love her.” He says.
“So much so that you cheated on her.” Harry hisses.
“I didn’t cheat on her.”
“That girl is a goddamn angel, you know
that? She has been to hell and back. She stays standing through all of it. Then you come on the scene and manage to break her where the fucking monsters couldn’t. It’s okay though right? You just keep buying her fancy cars and hoping that’ll make up for it. You stay away from her or you’ll have me to deal with, and you know as well as I do that I can make your life very difficult.” There’s a pause. “Know this…there is nothing, and I mean nothing I would not do for her, no extreme I would not go to. Every tear she sheds makes me want to kill you. Remember that before you think about coming near her again.” Oh my god. Did Harry just threaten to kill Theo? What the hell?
Theo’s voice is a low rumble. “Know this…there is nothing that can keep me away from her, not even you. I would also do anything for her. People make mistakes Harry, and I will regret mine for as long as I live.” He sighs. “I can’t even put into words how I feel about her. I see that she’s damaged. I only want to make her happy. If that means me walking away then that’s what I’ll do, but I don’t think it will.”
“I’m serious. If I have to watch her shed one more tear over you, I’m coming for you.”
It’s silent for a moment, then I hear Theo’s fluid steps before the front door clicks shut.
He left. A voice in my head screams for him to come back. I rub at my chest as an ache starts up in my chest. It’s like every time he leaves me, he takes a piece of me with him, and it hurts so fucking much. This is supposed to be getting easier, but it’s getting harder. I’m withering without him, the weight of the world crushing me. He makes it just a little bit easier to breathe. He bares the weight for me. He soothes me, and he strengthens me. I feel lost without him. I’m lost and drifting. I feel a tear slip down my temple as I stare at the ceiling. I want him so much, I want just a slice of happiness, but I can’t have it and I never will.
I cry myself back to sleep pining for him. God, I never thought I’d be that girl.
