Ishmael and the Hoops of Steel

by Michael Gerard Bauer

  ‘That was fast,’ she said as I handed her a cup.

  All I could summon was a quick smile and a nod before I threw mine to my mouth and guzzled half the contents in one gulp. The remaining half was already sloshing its way down behind the first when a chain reaction of sensations shuddered through my body.

  First up, the soothing serpent of liquid goodness that I had imagined snaking its way down my throat suddenly transformed itself into a roasting river of sizzling lava. After searing its way through my intestines and exploding in a fiery ball in my stomach, it rocketed straight up to my head, implementing a ‘search and destroy’ policy on my brain cells before finally bursting from my mouth in a wall of flames. To be totally honest, I didn’t actually see flames shoot from my throat as I wheezed and choked like a misfiring jet engine, but I definitely felt them.

  Sally must have had a similar experience, because when I finally stopped spluttering enough to look at her, she was puffing like she was trying to blow out those trick birthday candles and her eyes were watering. Luckily she hadn’t gulped down all her drink like me. She was huffing and blinking at a half-full cup in her hand.

  ‘Where did you … get this from … This is … vodka … straight … vodka,’ she managed to gasp out between puffs of air.

  I looked over at Danny Wallace and his friends. It wasn’t easy. My eyes and brain seemed to be operating in wildly different time zones. But even through the blur I could see them pointing at Sally and me and doubling over with laughter. They were still cracking up as they all filed past us on their way back into the hall. Danny Wallace slapped me on the shoulder and said, ‘Smooooooooooth, eh, Leshhhuer?’ before laughing and tripping his way after his friends.

  ‘Sorry, Sally. Supposed to be lemonade … My fault … Should have known Wallace … would do something stupid … like that.’

  I really should have. Razz once famously said that if Danny Wallace had three-quarters of his brain removed he’d still be overqualified at being himself. To which Danny retorted even more famously that if Razz had three-quarters of his brain removed he’d be a half-wit.

  ‘Wouldn’t be surprised … if Amanda Duggan put him up to it,’ Sally said, eyeing off the blonde girl with Danny. ‘She’d just love to get me in trouble.’ Then Sally blew out a long breath, shook her head and blinked her eyes a couple of times. ‘Now I really need some water.’

  ‘I’ll get it,’ I said, jumping to my feet.

  Bad move. I didn’t realise that my brain was just rolling around inside my skull like a blob of blancmange. After my head went for a wild spin and my eyes took a little wander about all by themselves, I landed back on the bench with a thump. I guess that’s the sort of thing you have to expect when you only have half a sandwich for dinner, then proceed to totally dehydrate yourself on a dance floor before topping it all off by chugging down a large, full-to-the-brim cup of straight vodka.

  ‘Whoa,’ Sally said, grabbing me by the shoulders to stop me from wobbling. ‘You wait here. I’ll be right back. Try to stay upright.’

  I sat there by myself and concentrated on the challenging task Sally had set me. I was pleased that I succeeded in not face-kissing the paving, but no matter what I did my eyes just flatly refused to behave themselves. The only message getting through to my pupils seemed to be, ‘Focusing is for wimps!’

  ‘Here, drink this,’ Sally said, handing me a big styrofoam cup when she returned. ‘I’ve had one already.’

  I opened my mouth and poured. Never had a couple of hydrogen atoms with a single side order of oxygen tasted so good. Sally sat down beside me and popped the top off a can of cola. She took a long slow drink and sighed before passing the rest to me. ‘You might need this as well.’ I took it from her and showed remarkable restraint in not swallowing the can whole.

  ‘Feeling better?’

  I nodded and everything around me – the people, the lights, the tables and chairs and Sally – swirled and smudged before separating and settling back into place. I moved my head from side to side a little more slowly this time and watched the world blur and regroup. It was a bit like shaking up one of those snow-globes. It was kind of cool. I focused on the coloured lights around the entrance to the hall and swayed my head from side to side. They left little rainbow trails behind them.

  ‘Ishmael, are you OK?’

  ‘Huh?’

  I turned to Sally. I was seeing her through a pair of soft-focus lenses. She was glowing. God, she was …

  ‘I said, are you OK? I’m feeling a bit woozy and you had twice as much as me.’

  ‘No, no, I’m fine. Really. I was just checking out the lights. They’re all swirly-whirly,’ I told her.

  For some reason I found this highly amusing and had to stifle a laugh. Sally was looking at me strangely. Or maybe I was looking at her strangely. Anyway, while all this strange looking was taking place, the music started up again in the hall and everyone else began wandering back inside.

  ‘It might be a good idea if we stay out here and try to sober up a bit. What do you think?’

  I nodded again. There was less swirly-whirly this time, just my head floating around like a fuzzy hot-air balloon and everything slowing down a notch or two. I kept my eyes anchored on Sally to stop myself from drifting away. It felt like I wasn’t really there. Like I was watching her on TV or at the movies or something. I looked closely at her face.

  She really had great eyes – the colour of dark chocolate. I liked how they twinkled and how the skin at the side crinkled up when she laughed. I liked her twinkle and her crinkle. I tried not to giggle. I really liked her eyebrows too. I liked how dark they were and how they changed shape when she frowned or laughed or when she was sad or surprised. And her teeth. They were great. I liked the way they crept out from behind her lips when she smiled and how they weren’t perfectly straight or even, but somehow still looked perfect.

  And you know what else I liked? I liked the little strand of hair that had fallen from her braids and was hanging down against her cheek. And I liked that bit on the back of her neck, where it was pink from too much sun. Oh, and the one teeny freckle on the side of her nose. And the little ‘M’ shape that the middle of her top lip made. And the way …

  ‘What? What is it?’ Sally said, brushing her fingers across her mouth.

  ‘Sorry?’

  ‘What’s the matter? What have I got on me? Is it something gross?’

  ‘No, sorry, no, it’s nothing. You’re fine. There’s nothing there, honest. It’s nothing.’

  ‘You sure? You’d tell me if there was something wrong with me wouldn’t you, Ishmael? You wouldn’t let me walk around looking like a complete dag, would you?’

  ‘No, of course not. And there’s nothing wrong with you … nothing at all.’

  ‘Then what were you staring at?’

  ‘Nothing. I didn’t know I was staring. I was just …’

  ‘Just what?’

  I knew how that sentence ended of course. I was just … thinking how amazing and beautiful you are. And that was the truth. I admit it. That’s all I could think about as I stared at Sally Nofke. How amazing and beautiful she was. But there was no way in the world I was ever going to say those words to her.

  ‘I was just thinking how amazing and beautiful you are.’

  What? I hadn’t said that out aloud, had I? No way! I looked at Sally. She was staring back at me. She gave a nervous laugh and fidgeted with her necklace.

  ‘Yeah, right. I think that vodka might have knocked out more brain cells than we thought.’

  ‘No, no, it’s true. You are. You’re great. Really great.’

  Suddenly it was like my mouth had a mind of its own and it didn’t care what it said.

  ‘Everything about you is great. You’re … incredible.’

  Sally’s dark eyes were drilling into me like surgical probes. But even that wasn’t enough to stop me.

  ‘You’re beautiful. You really are. You’re so beautiful, it hurts.’

/>   All right, could someone put their hand over my mouth right now? How about masking tape? Anyone got any of that handy? A couple of spare socks, perhaps?

  Sally’s dark eyebrows pushed together in a frown and her nose wrinkled.

  ‘Hurts? What do you mean?’

  Nothing. Nothing at all. I don’t mean anything. This isn’t really me talking. No way! Some babbling lunatic has taken my vocal chords hostage and is forcing them to say crazy things.

  ‘It’s what my mum said once. She was talking about when Prue was born. You remember Prue, my little sister? You met her at my dad’s concert.’

  ‘Scobie’s number one fan.’

  ‘Yeah, that’s her. She’s a near-genius, you know. I’m not, by the way. Just in case you were wondering.’

  I giggled. Great! Now I was laughing at my own pathetically unfunny jokes. How cool! Luckily for me Sally was too nice not to smile.

  ‘Well, I did have my doubts about your genius status after you had to drink a litre of vodka before you worked out it wasn’t lemonade.’

  ‘Yes,’ I said, waving a finger at her, ‘but it’s only my stupidity that gives me away.’

  Sally laughed this time and showed a little glimpse of her perfectly, imperfect teeth before pressing her lips back together. God she had nice li …

  ‘What were you going to say about Prue, and your mum?’

  ‘What? Oh yeah, well, when Prue was born she was really premature. She was tiny and it didn’t look like she was going to make it. For ages she was in one of those plastic cribby things with all the tubes and everything and all Mum and Dad could do was just watch her from the outside.’

  ‘How awful.’

  Sally’s face folded and her eyes became little pools of sadness. She had so many ways of being beautiful.

  ‘Mum told me one day it was the hardest thing she’d ever had to do. She said that it hurt just to look at Prue.’

  ‘Because she was so tiny and helpless?’

  I glanced up at Sally Nofke. The light from the hall was shining in her eyes. She began to push that loose strand of hair behind her ear again but stopped when she saw me watching her.

  ‘Yeah … and because she was so beautiful …’

  Don’t say it! Don’t say it! DON’T SAY IT!

  ‘… just like you …’

  The corners of Sally’s mouth crept up slightly then fell back down.

  ‘… and because she was right there …’

  OK, that’s enough. You’ve made your point. You can SHUT UP NOW!

  ‘… and she was so close …’

  The rest of the world was just some fuzzy, muffled place. There was only Sally and me.

  ‘… but you weren’t allowed to touch her.’

  Don’t do it! Don’t do it! DON’T DO IT!

  I did it.

  I moved closer and I leant forward.

  My best mate, the one who thought I was a legend and a hero was, at that very moment, lying in a hospital bed suffering from concussion. And I was kissing his girlfriend.

  What was WRONG with me!

  24.

  DID I MENTION I WAS AN IDIOT?

  As I kissed Sally Nofke that night every atom in my body was screaming out, ‘See, Cindy, now that’s what I’m talkin’ about!’ I was hoping it would never end, but it did, and only after a few seconds. That’s when Sally pulled away and her eyes clouded over.

  She was shaking her head and staring at me like I was one of the walking dead – and obviously one of the least appealing ones.

  ‘What am I doing? This can’t be happening.’

  ‘Sal, I’m sorry. That was wrong. I shouldn’t have done that. I’m an idiot. I am. I really am. I’m sorry. I’m an idiot.’

  The look of horror was swamped by confusion and Sally just sat gazing at the ground and shaking her head.

  ‘But it wasn’t just you,’ she said.

  ‘Doesn’t matter. I started it. I’m an idiot. It was wrong. It was stupid. Did I mention I was an idiot?’

  We sat without speaking for quite a while, every now and then catching each other’s eyes. Finally I worked up the nerve to say something.

  ‘I think maybe you were right about the vodka killing off a whole bunch of my brain cells. And I didn’t have that many to spare to begin with. They should have been on the endangered species list.’

  A little scrunched-up smile came to Sally’s lips.

  ‘I feel awful.’

  ‘Sal, it wasn’t your fault. Nothing would have happened if it wasn’t for me.’

  ‘Maybe. But I didn’t stop you, and it’s not just the … kissing thing,’ she said and shot a shy look my way.

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Well … at the start of the night, all the time I was with you, I was thinking about Razz and wishing I was with him and not you. Sorry, that sounds really terrible, doesn’t it?’

  ‘Don’t worry about it.’

  ‘Anyway, after a while I decided I was going to have the best night I could, so I tried not to think about Razz.’

  ‘Nothing wrong with that.’

  ‘No, but then I sort of stopped thinking about him without really trying.’

  Sally looked away and picked at the hem of her dress.

  ‘And then … when I did think about Razz again it was because I was wondering … who I’d rather be with … you or him.’

  I couldn’t really believe what I was hearing. Sally turned to me with all her painful beauty on show.

  ‘I even wondered what it would have been like if Razz and I hadn’t met and there was just you and me. Maybe that’s why I didn’t stop you.’

  Sally placed her hand on mine.

  ‘I really like you, Ishmael. I do. You’re a great guy. Any girl would be lucky to have you … but …’

  She didn’t have to say anything more. That ‘but’ said it all.

  ‘Sorry,’ she whispered.

  ‘Hey, no problem,’ I told her. ‘If I had to choose between Razz and me, I’d choose Razz too.’

  Sally smiled with her lips together and squeezed my hand.

  ‘I’ve had such a lovely night. I don’t want anything to spoil it. Do you mind if we just rewind and edit out that last bit?’

  ‘Sure. And I know my head would be really grateful if we could go right back and edit out Danny Wallace and the vodka as well.’

  ‘Good idea. And make sure you cut out Amanda Duggan too. Oh, and that bit where I looked like a cat coughing up a fur ball.’

  ‘Ah yes. That would be the same bit where I looked like I was coughing up an entire cat.’

  It wasn’t really that funny but Sally and I both laughed. And then we couldn’t stop. Every time we looked at each other we started up again. In the end we were both bumping our shoulders together and wiping tears from our eyes. When I recovered enough to form decipherable words, there was only one question I wanted to ask.

  ‘Sal, you know when I do that editing?’

  She nodded.

  ‘Can I leave just one little bit in?’

  ‘Which bit?’

  ‘The bit where I tell you how amazing and beautiful you are?’

  Sally’s bottom lip pushed up and a little crease appeared in her chin. I thought for a minute she was going to cry. But she leant forward, kissed my cheek and hugged me. Then she sat back and pointed a finger at me.

  ‘Ishmael, if you try to edit that bit out,’ she said, ‘I will personally break your face.’ She sounded like she meant it too.

  The Semi finished in a bit of a rush after that. The highlight came when Danny Wallace (who had obviously over-indulged in the ‘lemonades’) threw up impressively all down Amanda Duggan’s back during a passionate embrace on the dance floor. That more or less brought an end to the night and Sally and I walked together to the front gate where Mr Nofke was waiting to pick us up.

  Back home I lay in bed replaying every minute of the Semi-formal in my mind. When I came to the kissing bit I even did what Sally asked. I edited it ou
t. But I didn’t throw it away. I couldn’t. Instead I played it on a continuous loop in my mind. And as I did, one thought kept slinking into my head. It was this. If Razz wasn’t around, my life could be perfect right now.

  I had finally figured out what was wrong with me.

  I was a total scumbag.

  25.

  HERE, PASS ME ONE OF THOSE KNIVES

  ‘You’re a total legend, man!’

  It was before school. I was in Homeroom finishing off some English homework when Razz grabbed me by the shoulders and gave me a friendly shake.

  ‘Sally reckons you were awesome on the weekend. I owe you big time, dude. You really stepped up to the plate.’

  ‘It was no big deal, Razz. Really. Forget it.’

  ‘Don’t you “no big deal” me, man! If it wasn’t for you Sal would’ve missed out on wearing her new dress and getting all done up and hanging out with her friends and everything. Plus she reckons she had a lot of fun. Not too much fun, I hope, or I’ll have to kill you!’

  He already was. After what happened with Sally, every nice thing Razz said about me felt like a knife in the gut. (Not that I’ve ever had a knife in the gut, but I’m guessing it wouldn’t be one of my favourite things.) Razz patted me on the back again and climbed into the next seat.

  ‘Hey, how’s the head?’ I asked him.

  ‘Not bad – a bit tender. They let me out of hospital on Sunday morning. Just said to take it easy for a bit.’

  ‘Well, you’ll be thrilled to know that the wall is expected to make a full recovery.’

  ‘So humorous. Have you been working on that one all weekend?’ Then he peered at my work book. ‘Whatcha doing, anyway?’

  ‘Hamlet. You know, we had that Claudius soliloquy to go through before today’s lesson.’

  ‘Guess you would’ve got it done on the weekend if you weren’t helping me and Sal out. Sorry, man. I really owe you one.’

  Anyone for another knife in the gut?

  ‘It’s OK, Razz, really. It was nothing. Just forget it.’

  I figured it was time to change the subject, so I pointed to my open copy of Hamlet.

  ‘You looked at this yet?’