Everything Within and In Between

by Nikki Barthelmess

  Amy sniffs and wipes at her nose. She rolls her chair closer to me and says, “If you want, I can totally kick him in the balls for you. Like, as a public service.”

  My laugh comes out nervous and high pitched. Amy and Stephanie are not my friends—Brittany can’t stand either of them, despite their moms all being close. Still, they’re being really nice.

  “That’s not necessary, but thanks. He and I never defined anything. He’s free to see other people. I guess I was just hoping he wouldn’t want to.”

  Amy looks down at her phone. “It’s Tash,” she says. “Oh, I guess she’s not with Carlos. She’s at Brody’s. So that’s good for you, right?”

  I shrug. “Doesn’t change that they’ve been hooking up this whole time.”

  “So, no need to go find him then,” Stephanie says, resuming twirling a piece of her curly hair around her fingers. “Hang with us. We’ve just been in here killing time waiting for Don and Nate to finish catching up with their friends so that we can finally get to Brody’s.”

  Amy gestures at the mirror and my chest tightens. The coke, I almost forgot with my thoughts spinning out about Carlos.

  “This shit is the best,” Amy says. “From now on, I’m only ever going to my guy at UCSB for this stuff!”

  My heart beats, faster and faster, crawling up my throat, as she leans her head down over a thin white line of powder.

  I’ve seen people do coke at a few of Brody’s parties. But whenever that happens is usually around the time Brittany and I get out of there. I mean, weed, yeah, I’ve tried it a few times. It didn’t really do anything spectacular, just made me silly and hungry. But Brittany has always been dead set on not being around coke, and I never had the desire either. I feel the instinct to make for the door, as fast as I can.

  But instead, I stare at Amy. She looks so happy, so excited. She doesn’t have a reputation at school. She makes good grades, as far as I know. She’s on the school basketball team and in the leadership club. Though I haven’t actually seen Stephanie do any coke tonight, I’m pretty sure she has too. And she also has always seemed pretty put together. Most people at school like them. Except Brittany, that is.

  Stephanie walks to Amy and pushes some of the white powder on the mirror into a line before leaning over and sniffing. Her phone dings and she looks at it. “Tasha, telling us to hurry up.”

  Tasha. Uggh. Carlos. Double uggh.

  Amy’s light brown eyebrows furrow. “Don’t be upset.” She pushes the mirror to the edge of the desk. “Here, this might make you feel better.”

  Stephanie returns to sit on the bed, her big green eyes wide and glassy.

  Amy’s shirt hangs low on her chest after leaning down to sniff the remnants of a line.

  Then she looks up at me. “Ri, seriously, you’ve got to try this stuff. You’ll love it!”

  “Oh, uhhh . . . I don’t know.”

  Stephanie and Amy share a look, like they think I’m not fun or something, and my chest flares hot.

  “I got you. This stuff isn’t for everyone,” Amy says. “It’s cool.”

  My mind goes to Brittany, what she thinks is and isn’t me. But has she ever asked me? She just assumes that what she wants is what’s best. That I’ll go along with it, no matter what. It reminds me of my grandma. I’m not going to let the disappointment of Carlos ruin this night for me. I can be spontaneous. Fun.

  I walk toward Amy. “I’ll try it.”

  Amy passes me the dollar bill. I lean my head down like she did, and don’t even think another thought as I inhale the powder straight into my nostrils. It burns coming in, and I can feel it in the tiny hairs I have in my nose.

  Amy claps her hands together. She pushes a little white mound of powder from the side of the mirror to make two more. Stephanie waves her off. “I’m good, thanks. She passes the mirror to me so I can sniff the line off it. I can feel electricity pulsing through me as I wipe my nose.

  I inhale, it burns, and my heart beats faster, time moves quicker, everything illuminates in the room. The pumping music from downstairs. I want to jump and dance.

  I want to do another line, and I reach for it, before Stephanie pulls me back. “Maybe go easy for your first time. That’s probably enough for now.”

  Amy looks at her for a moment, like she’s confused, before her eyes land on me. “Actually, Ri, do me a favor and don’t tell anyone about this, okay? Carlos is chill and all, but he hates this stuff. He made us promise to never to bring it around here and his friends are pretty straight edge too. They definitely won’t let us come to any of their parties again if they find out.”

  I blink several times. Huh. I better not go around broadcasting what I’ve been up to. The last thing I need is to give Cassie or Nina a reason not to like me. “No problem.”

  “We should probably get going to Brody’s. See if sober Nate’s ready to drive us. You wanna come? This place is getting lame, anyway.”

  I snap my head back. Amy talking shit about this party shocks me alert. I’m here to hang out with Nina and my new friends. Not Amy and Stephanie, of all people.

  “I’ll pass,” I say. Neither of them seem to pick up on my coldness. Amy sweeps the pile of powder into a little baggie on the desk and puts it in her purse. “Soooo great to hang out with you, Ri! See you at school!” Stephanie leans in for a hug and kisses my cheek. “Love you!”

  Just as sudden as my anger came on, it evaporates, and I laugh, uncontrolled, and hug her back.

  Amy practically skips to the door with Stephanie behind her. In the hallway, I catch a peek of Carlos walking with Nate. He sees me staring and widens his eyes.

  “Ri,” he says, before coming into the room, shutting the door behind him. “What were you doing in here with Amy and Stephanie?”

  I narrow my eyes at Carlos acting all concerned. “Hanging out. Why do you care?”

  Carlos cocks his head and looks at Cassie’s desk where there are a couple dots of white powder left behind. “Ri, seriously? You didn’t do coke with them, did you?” He groans. “I’m never letting those two near here again.”

  Before I can think of a response, maybe even lie to him and tell him I didn’t do anything, Carlos pulls his phone out of his pocket and types something very quickly.

  While he’s distracted, I’m overcome with the music downstairs. A Cardi B song is playing that begs to be danced to, so I head for the door.

  Carlos puts a hand on my shoulder to stop me, and I can’t help but think of Tasha. I all but jump out of my skin and yank my shoulder away.

  His face falls. “Are you okay, Ri?”

  “Never better! See you around, Carlos! Have fun at Brody’s!”

  I try to move past Carlos, but he blocks my path. “I don’t think you should be on your own. Why don’t we go find Nina?”

  I was about to go find Nina anyway, but I still don’t want Carlos telling me what to do. “Don’t you have people waiting for you to go to Brody’s?” I snap.

  He looks at his phone again and I lean over to see that he’s already sent Nina a text asking her to come find me.

  Uggh. I unleash the best death glare I can muster, and he backs away.

  “Okay, got it. See you later, Ri. Text me if you need me.”

  If I need him? When he’s going to have his hands all over Tasha? Hard pass.

  Now that he’s gone, I feel lighter. Better. I hear the song change downstairs and remember how much I want to dance.

  At the foot of the stairs, I see Nina and Brittany. Nina looks up from her phone, “Ri! Party’s downstairs, in case you’ve forgotten.” Her brow furrows as I jump the final two stairs.

  Brittany gives me a look. “Well, someone’s excited to see us.”

  My heart pounds in my ears, my senses alert, seeing the hall around me, the pictures on the walls, the people laughing, their faces—really seeing them this time, not like before. Before. I sniff and wipe my nose. Make sure no powder is left over.

  Nina’s look of worry catches my
eye again. She leans in for a hug and whispers, “Carlos texted me to keep an eye on you. I let him know you’re with me. You good?” I don’t answer, racking my mind for what to say, as she leans back and speaks louder so Brittany can hear.

  “Why didn’t you tell me Carlos was hooking up with Tasha? You tried to hint at it, but you could have just told me.”

  “I wasn’t sure. I had my suspicions, but Carlos doesn’t really talk about who he’s seeing. I was hoping maybe things were different this time,” Nina says. “Forget him! I know Brittany agrees with me.” She smiles at Brittany, who has the decency to look sheepish for talking about me with Nina while I was gone, at least.

  “It’s whatever,” I say. “Carlos is hooking up with other girls. I don’t own him, but I don’t have to like it.”

  Brittany lets out an exasperated sigh. “Fiiiiiinally,” she says. “Please tell me you’re done with Carlos.”

  I nod. “So done, like a well-cooked steak.”

  Brittany makes a face at my ridiculously corny joke, and I start laughing really hard. Tears stream down my face. She looks at Nina. “Apparently, Ri is becoming a lightweight.” Brittany smiles and looks at me. “Maybe no more beer for you.”

  I watch Nina for any clue that Carlos told her what I was up to but see none. Nina laughs, seemingly believing Brittany that I’m a lightweight and drunk. “Wild little Ri,” she yells so we can hear her over the music, her words slurring. Her knees wobble as we push through the crowd. An old hip-hop song bangs in my ears, one that I haven’t heard since middle school.

  “I love this song!” Nina shouts as she tugs Brittany behind her.

  Brittany’s smile is contagious, and I want to jump, to bounce, to move.

  I feel the music pounding within me, in my ears, in my chest, in my fingers. Nina’s hand reaches for mine, her smile warming every part of me that used to feel cold and alone. I whoop and laugh, and Brittany and I follow her through the sweaty crowd.

  Nina leads us to the middle of the living room. The couches are now pushed back out of the way and people are dancing.

  She takes my hands, moves me with her. Music pulses, through my body, through the air, through the whole world.

  Brittany looks at me jumping to the beat. For a second, it’s like she can tell something’s not quite right, but then Nina pushes her softly and yells, “I know you can dance, Brittany. Let’s see it!”

  Brittany gives Nina an appreciative look, and Nina hoots as Brittany starts moving her body to the music.

  We’re dancing and Cassie approaches, holding Mia’s hand.

  “You okay?” Cassie shouts in my ear. I nod, appreciating that she cares.

  “Hey!” Mia yells to me over the music before she and Cassie start dancing. I’m lost in the feeling of my body moving and music bumping and my heart banging wildly in my chest as Edgar comes into sight.

  He starts to back away slowly to watch, but I grab his hand and he’s dancing, his hips and feet moving slightly in time with the music and we’re close and I can feel his breath on my forehead and it smells like bubble gum and the music is bumping and Cassie and Mia are laughing and Miguel appears and weaves in between us throwing up his hands and Nina’s hands are in the air and she’s rapping along with the words and Brittany is joining in and I’m here with them and I’m singing and laughing too and I finally feel like I’m me. I’m Ri.

  I’m Ri.

  After a few songs, sweating and dancing like I’ve never danced before, Brittany’s smile fades and I am not going to listen to whatever shit she’s planning to nag me about, so I keep dancing. But I know something is really bothering her when she takes my hand and pulls me to the side, away from the group.

  “Ri,” she yells into my ear. “What’s up with you? You seem . . . different.”

  I wipe the sweat off my neck with the back of my hand. “I’m having fun!” I shout. “You are too. Let’s get back—”

  Brittany grabs my arm as I start to make my way toward Nina and the others. She wheels me around and brings her face uncomfortably close to mine. Her eyes widen as she stares into my eyes.

  “You’re not drunk,” she whisper shouts. “You’re high! What the hell, Ri? What are you on?”

  When I don’t answer, Brittany keeps barking at me. “I thought you and Carlos were making out up there, or arguing once you found out about him seeing other girls, not—”

  I yank my arm free of Brittany. “Stop being such a buzzkill. It’s fiiiiiine.”

  Brittany looks as though she’s never seen me before. “It’s not fine,” she snaps. “Since when do you do drugs, Ri? What were you thinking?”

  I jerk away from Brittany as someone walking by gives us a look.

  “I’m taking you home.”

  I bark out a laugh. “That’s a no; I’m going to go dance now and you can’t stop me.”

  Brittany doesn’t follow me. Instead, she walks up to Nina and shouts something in her ear that I can’t hear over the music. Nina says something and keeps dancing. I bounce toward Edgar and he smiles as he dances with me, until Brittany starts to close in on us. Before she tells him whatever she thinks she’s going to, I grab her arm and drag her away.

  “Brittany, way to cause a scene!” I hiss in her ear, loud enough that she can hear over the music but hopefully Edgar can’t. “Fine, let’s go. I’d rather leave than stay and let you embarrass me.”

  People are starting to clear out anyway. Cassie and Mia are walking around with a garbage bag throwing away plastic cups and empty bottles. I’m sad the party is ending. Before tonight, I’d never been so alive.

  I tell Edgar and Nina goodbye and hug each of them. Edgar gives a wary look to Brittany—I’m pretty sure he didn’t miss our little spat while we were dancing. I think Carlos left earlier without saying so much as a word to me, but I don’t really care.

  “See you in class, wild girl.” Nina grins at me.

  I wrap my arms around her again, and she laughs and squeezes me back. Though Nina doesn’t notice, Brittany glares at her. It seems like Nina is on her shit list, too, apparently. Brittany is murderously silent as we walk to her car.

  Brittany stomps past the guys who are congregating outside. We walk quickly and silently down the street lined with cars until we stop outside her Mercedes.

  Brittany’s luxury car looks ridiculous next to all the others on the street, so I laugh, maniacally. Once Brittany’s in her seat, she slams her door.

  “What the hell is wrong with you?”

  I stare at the scowl on her perfectly glossed lips. Brittany being mad is stupid. So stupid. She clearly had an amazing time dancing with all of us.

  I sneeze uncontrollably several times and wipe my nose quickly.

  “Nothing is wrong with me! So I tried coke! I’m a big girl, I can do what I want. It’s not, like, the end of the world.”

  Brittany’s face contorts. “Ri, slow down. I can barely understand anything you’re saying.” She looks at my legs—I’m trembling. Hadn’t noticed.

  A bottle breaks somewhere in the distance and Brittany jumps in her seat. She starts the car and turns the heat up, but we stay parked.

  I sniff, and the inside of my nose burns. Brittany’s overreacting. She’s always trying to control me. Tonight was perfect. Until she ruined it.

  “We had a great time, all of us did, even you. So why are you so mad?”

  Brittany’s voice turns icy. “Even me? What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

  I chew on my lip until I bite too hard. It’s wet and I taste copper. Shit. Quickly, I wipe my face with the back of my hand.

  I know I’ve hurt Brittany’s feelings and normal Ri would try to dial it back. “You weren’t . . .” I make an effort to stop my shaking hands. “I don’t know, so uptight.”

  Brittany shakes her head, glaring at me. “So that’s what I’m being now, uptight? Since I don’t think it’s a good thing you did drugs? Wow, Ri. Just wow.”

  “Look, I know you hate that stuff and t
hat’s why I haven’t tried it before, but really, it wasn’t a big deal. Actually, it was fun.”

  Brittany scoffs.

  Heat rises in my chest. “You don’t seem to have a problem with it when it’s happening at Brody’s parties! When Finn is there!” I’m yelling now, and a few people walking by the car are gaping at us. I give zero shits. “Finn smokes weed every weekend. What about that?”

  Brittany looks at me incredulously. “I do have a problem with it at Brody’s parties—that’s why we leave when anyone starts doing it. And you know Finn doesn’t do coke, otherwise there’s no way I’d be into him. It’s not his fault if some of his friends do.”

  “Why are you being so judgey, Brittany? You haven’t even tried it. You don’t even know what you’re talking about. Maybe you’d even like—”

  “You think I want to be like one of those bored, depressed housewives at the club? Partying and sleeping constantly? Wasting their money and time and lives on drugs?”

  I wince. My eyelids feel heavy and suddenly it’s an effort to keep them open. I’m coming down from the high, I guess. “Can we just go? Tired now.” I swallow and look outside the window, see a few stragglers stumbling out of Cassie’s.

  Brittany nods, jaw as tight as ever, and puts the car in reverse. In the side mirror, I see Cassie’s place get smaller and smaller until we turn off the street. We pass houses that I’ve seen before. They’re the same, but I’m not. I close my eyes and lean my head back. Notice the sensations in my body. My head aches. My throat is sore and there’s a nasty taste in the back of my mouth, and it feels like it’s dripping down my throat.

  But Brittany’s not done. “You know I don’t love that Finn smokes weed, but you can’t tell me you think weed and coke are the same kind of bad,” she says. “People overdose and die from doing coke. It’s addictive. It’s illegal.”

  “It’s illegal for Finn to smoke weed too. He’s underage.” My words come out sharp.

  I open my eyes, lean up, and glare at Brittany. “You don’t like coke. You don’t like that I did some, but I frankly don’t care.”

  A tear falls from Brittany’s eye and that makes me even more annoyed. She’s being so dramatic.