MRS CLANDON. Yes, most of it, I think.
BOHUN. In that case we shall want him.
WAITER [pleading] I hope it may not be necessary, sir. Busy evening for me, sir, with that ball: very busy evening indeed, sir.
BOHUN [inexorably] We shall want you.
MRS CLANDON [politely] Sit down, wont you?
WAITER [earnestly] Oh, if you please, maam, I really must draw the line at sitting down. I couldnt let myself be seen doing such a thing, maam: thank you, I am sure, all the same. [He looks round from face to face wretchedly, with an expression that would melt a heart of stone].
GLORIA. Dont let us waste time. William only wants to go on taking care of us. I should like a cup of coffee.
WAITER [brightening perceptibly] Coffee, miss? [He gives a little gasp of hope]. Certainly, miss. Thank you, miss: very timely, miss, very thoughtful and considerate indeed. [To Mrs Clandon, timidly but expectantly] Anything for you, maam?
MRS CLANDON. Er-oh yes: it’s so hot, I think we might have a jug of claret cup.
WAITER [beaming] Claret cup, maam! Certainly, maam.
GLORIA. Oh well, I’ll have claret cup instead of coffee. Put some cucumber in it.
WAITER [delighted] Cucumber, miss! yes miss. [To Bohun] Anything special for you, sir? You dont like cucumber, sir.
BOHUN. If Mrs Clandon will allow me: syphon: Scotch.
WAITER. Right, sir. [To Crampton] Irish for you, sir, I think, sir? [Crampton assents with a grunt. The waiter looks inquiringly at Valentine].
VALENTINE. I like cucumber.
WAITER. Right, sir. [Summing up] Claret cup, syphon, one Scotch and one Irish?
MRS CLANDON. I think thats right.
WAITER [himself again] Right, maam. Directly, maam. Thank you. [He ambles off through the window, having sounded the whole gamut of human happiness, from despair to ecstasy, in fifty seconds].
M’COMAS. We can begin now, I suppose.
BOHUN. We had better wait until Mrs Clandon’s husband arrives.
CRAMPTON. What d’y’ mean? I’m her husband.
BOHUN [instantly pouncing on the inconsistency between this and his previous statement] You said just now that your name was Crampton.
CRAMPTON. So it is.
MRS CLANDON GLORIA M’COMAS VALENTINE} [all four speaking simultaneously] {I – My – Mrs – You –
BOHUN [drowning them in two thunderous words] One moment. [Dead silence]. Pray allow me. Sit down, everybody. [They obey humbly. Gloria takes the saddle-bag chair on the hearth. Valentine slips round to her side of the room and sits on the ottoman facing the window, so that he can look at her. Crampton sits on the ottoman with his back to Valentine’s. Mrs Clandon, who has all along kept at the opposite side of the room in order to avoid Crampton as much as possible, sits near the door, with M’Comas beside her on her left. Bohun places himself magisterially in the centre of the group, near the corner of the table on Mrs Clandon’s side. When they are settled, he fixes Crampton with his eye, and begins] In this family, it appears the husband’s name is Crampton: the wife’s, Clandon. Thus we have on the very threshold of the case an element of confusion.
VALENTINE [getting up and speaking across to him with one knee on the ottoman] But it’s perfectly simple –
BOHUN [annihilating him with a vocal thunderbolt] It is. Mrs Clandon has adopted another name. That is the obvious explanation which you feared I could not find out for myself. You mistrust my intelligence, Mr Valentine – [stopping him as he is about to protest] no: I dont want you to answer that: I want you to think over it when you feel your next impulse to interrupt me.
VALENTINE [dazed] This is simply breaking a butterfly on a wheel. What does it matter? [He sits down again].
BOHUN. I will tell you what it matters, sir. It matters that if this family difference is to be smoothed over as we all hope it may be, Mrs Clandon, as a matter of social convenience and decency, will have to resume her husband’s name [Mrs Clandon assumes an expression of the most determined obstinacy] or else Mr Crampton will have to call himself Mr Clandon. [Crampton looks indomitably resolved to do nothing of the sort]. No doubt you think that an easy matter, Mr Valentine. [He looks pointedly at Mrs Clandon, then at Crampton]. I differ from you. [He throws himself back in his chair, frowning heavily].
M’COMAS [timidly] I think, Bohun, we had perhaps better dispose of the important questions first.
BOHUN. M’Comas: there will be no difficulty about the important questions. There never is. It is the trifles that will wreck you at the harbor mouth. [M’Comas looks as if he considered this a paradox]. You dont agree with me, eh?
M’COMAS [flatteringly] If I did –
BOHUN [interrupting him] If you did, you would be me, instead of being what you are.
M’COMAS [fawning on him] Of course, Bohun, your speciality –
BOHUN [again interrupting him] My speciality is being right when other people are wrong. If you agreed with me I should be no use here. [He nods at him to drive the point home; then turns suddenly and forcibly on Crampton]. Now you, Mr Crampton: what point in this business have you most at heart?
CRAMPTON [beginning slowly] I wish to put all considerations of self aside in this matter –
BOHUN [cutting him short] So do we all, Mr Crampton. [To Mrs Clandon] You wish to put self aside, Mrs Clandon?
MRS CLANDON. Yes: I am not consulting my own feelings in being here.
BOHUN. So do you, Miss Clandon?
GLORIA. Yes.
BOHUN. I thought so. We all do.
VALENTINE. Except me. My aims are selfish.
BOHUN. Thats because you think an affectation of sincerity will produce a better effect on Miss Clandon than an affectation of disinterestedness. [Valentine, utterly dismantled and destroyed by this just remark, takes refuge in a feeble speechless smile. Bohun, satisfied at having now effectually crushed all rebellion, again throws himself back in his chair, with an air of being prepared to listen tolerantly to their grievances]. Now, Mr Crampton, go on. It’s understood that self is put aside. Human nature always begins by saying that.
CRAMPTON. But I mean it, sir.
BOHUN. Quite so. Now for your point.
CRAMPTON. Every reasonable person will admit that it’s an unselfish one. It’s about the children.
BOHUN. Well? What about the children?
CRAMPTON [with emotion] They have –
BOHUN [pouncing forward again] Stop. Youre going to tell me about your feelings, Mr Crampton. Dont. I sympathize with them; but theyre not my business. Tell us exactly what you want: thats what we have to get at.
CRAMPTON [uneasily] It’s a very difficult question to answer, Mr Bohun.
BOHUN. Come: I’ll help you out. What do you object to in the present circumstances of the children?
CRAMPTON. I object to the way they have been brought up.
Mrs Clandon’s brow contracts ominously.
BOHUN. HOW do you propose to alter that now?
CRAMPTON. I think they ought to dress more quietly.
VALENTINE. Nonsense.
BOHUN [instantly flinging himself back in his chair, outraged by the interruption] When you are done, Mr Valentine: when you are quite done.
VALENTINE. Whats wrong with Miss Clandon’s dress?
CRAMPTON [hotly to Valentine] My opinion is as good as yours.
GLORIA [warningly] Father!
CRAMPTON [subsiding piteously] I didnt mean you, my dear. [Pleading earnestly to Bohun] But the two younger ones! you have not seen them, Mr Bohun; and indeed I think you would agree with me that there is something very noticeable, something almost gay and frivolous in their style of dressing.
MRS CLANDON [impatiently] Do you suppose I choose their clothes for them? Really, this is childish.
CRAMPTON [furious, rising] Childish!
M’COMAS VALENTINE GLORIA} [all rising and speaking together] {Crampton, you promised – Ridiculous. They dress charmingly. Pray let us behave reasonably.
Tumu
lt. Suddenly they hear a warning chime of glasses in the room behind them. They turn guiltily and find that the waiter has just come back from the bar in the garden, and is jingling his tray as he comes softly to the table with it. Dead silence.
WAITER [to Crampton, setting a tumbler apart on the table] Irish for you, sir. [Crampton sits down a little shamefacedly. The waiter sets another tumbler and a syphon apart, saying to Bohun] Scotch and syphon for you, sir. [Bohun waves his hand impatiently. The waiter places a large jug and three tumblers in the middle]. And claret cup. [All subside into their seats. Peace reigns].
MRS CLANDON. I am afraid we interrupted you, Mr Bohun.
BOHUN [calmly] You did. [To the waiter, who is going out] Just wait a bit.
WAITER. Yes, sir. Certainly, sir. [He takes his stand behind Bohun’s chair].
MRS CLANDON [to the waiter] You dont mind our detaining you, I hope. Mr Bohun wishes it.
WAITER [now quite at his ease] Oh no, maam, not at all, maam. It is a pleasure to me to watch the working of his trained and powerful mind: very stimulating, very entertaining and instructive indeed, maam.
BOHUN [resuming command of the proceedings] Now, Mr Crampton: we are waiting for you. Do you give up your objection to the dressing or do you stick to it?
CRAMPTON [pleading] Mr Bohun: consider my position for a moment. I havnt got myself alone to consider: theres my sister Sophronia and my brother-in-law and all their circle. They have a great horror of anything that is at all – at all – well –
BOHUN. Out with it. Fast? Loud? Gay?
CRAMPTON. Not in any unprincipled sense, of course; but –but – [blurting it out desperately] those two children would shock them. Theyre not fit to mix with their own people. Thats what I complain of.
MRS CLANDON [with suppressed anger] Mr Valentine: do you think there is anything fast or loud about Phil and Dolly?
VALENTINE. Certainly not. It’s utter bosh. Nothing can be in better taste.
CRAMPTON. Oh yes: of course you say so.
MRS CLANDON. William: you see a great deal of good English society. Are my children overdressed?
WAITER [reassuringly[ Oh dear no, maam. [Persuasively] Oh no, sir, not at all. A little pretty and tasty no doubt, but very choice and classy, very genteel and high toned indeed. Might be the son and daughter of a Dean, sir, I assure you, sir. You have only to look at them, sir, to –
At this moment a harlequin and columbine, waltzing to the band in the garden, whirl one another into the room. The harlequin’s dress is made of lozenges, an inch square, of turquoise blue silk and gold alternately. His bat is gilt and his mask turned up. The columbine’s petticoats are the epitome of a harvest field, golden orange and poppy crimson, with a tiny velvet jacket for the poppy stamens. They pass, an exquisite and dazzling apparition, between M’Comas and Bohun, and then back in a circle to the end of the table, where, as the final chord of the waltz is struck, they make a tableau in the middle of the company, the harlequin down on his left knee, and the columbine standing on his right knee, with her arms curved over her head. Unlike their dancing, which is charmingly graceful, their attitudinizing is hardly a success, and threatens to end in a catastrophe.
THE COLUMBINE [screaming] Lift me down, somebody: I’m going to fall. Papa: lift me down.
CRAMPTON [anxiously running to her and taking her hands] My child!
DOLLY [jumping down, with his help] Thanks: so nice of you. [Phil sits on the edge of the table and pours out some claret cup. Crampton returns to the ottoman in great perplexity]. Oh, what fun! Oh dear! [She seats herself with a vault on the front edge of the table, panting]. Oh, claret cup! [She drinks].
BOHUN [in powerful tones] This is the younger lady, is it?
DOLLY [slipping down off the table in alarm at his formidable voice and manner] Yes, sir. Please, who are you?
MRS CLANDON. This is Mr Bohun, Dolly, who has very kindly come to help us this evening.
DOLLY. Oh, then he comes as a boon and a blessing –
PHILIP. Sh!
CRAMPTON. Mr Bohun – M’Comas: I appeal to you. Is this right? Would you blame my sister’s family for objecting to it?
DOLLY [flushing ominously] Have you begun again?
CRAMPTON [propitiating her] No, no. It’s perhaps natural at your age.
DOLLY [obstinately] Never mind my age. Is it pretty?
CRAMPTON. Yes, dear, yes. [He sits down in token of submission].
DOLLY [insistently] Do you like it?
CRAMPTON. My child: how can you expect me to like it or to approve of it?
DOLLY [determined not to let him off] How can you think it pretty and not like it?
M’COMAS [rising, scandalized] Really I must say –
Bohun, who has listened to Dolly with the highest approval, is down on him instantly.
BOHUN. NO: dont interrupt, M’Comas. The young lady’s method is right. [To Dolly, with tremendous emphasis] Press your questions, Miss Clandon: press your questions.
DOLLY [turning to Bohun] Oh dear, you are a regular overwhelmer! Do you always go on like this?
BOHUN [rising] Yes. Dont you try to put me out of countenance, young lady: youre too young to do it. [He takes M’Comas’s chair from beside Mrs Clandon’s and sets it beside his own]. Sit down. [Dolly, fascinated, obeys; and Bohun sits down again. M’Comas, robbed of his seat, takes a chair on the other side between the table and the ottoman]. Now, Mr Crampton, the facts are before you: both of them. You think youd like to have your two youngest children to live with you. Well, you wouldnt – [Crampton tries to protest; but Bohun will not have it on any terms] no you wouldnt: you think you would; but I know better than you. Youd want this young lady here to give up dressing like a stage columbine in the evening and like a fashionable columbine in the morning. Well, she wont: never. She thinks she will; but –
DOLLY [interrupting him] No I dont. [Resolutely] I’ll never give up dressing prettily. Never. As Gloria said to that man in Madeira, never, never, never! while grass grows or water runs.
VALENTINE [rising in the wildest agitation] What! What! [Beginning to speak very fast] When did she say that? Who did she say that to?
BOHUN [throwing himself back with massive pitying remonstrance] Mr Valentine –
VALENTINE [pepperily] Dont you interrupt me, sir: this is something really serious. I insist on knowing who Miss Clandon said that to.
DOLLY. Perhaps Phil remembers. Which was it, Phil? number three or number five?
VALENTINE. Number five!!!
PHILIP. Courage, Valentine! It wasnt number five: it was only a tame naval lieutenant who was always on hand: the most patient and harmless of mortals.
GLORIA [coldly] What are we discussing now, pray?
VALENTINE [very red] Excuse me: I am sorry, I interrupted. I shall intrude no further, Mrs Clandon. [He bows to Mrs Clandon and marches away into the garden, boiling with suppressed rage].
DOLLY. Hmhm!
PHILIP. Ahah!
GLORIA. Please go on, Mr Bohun.
DOLLY [striking in as Bohun, frowning formidably, collects himself for a fresh grapple with the case] Youre going to bully us, Mr Bohun.
BOHUN. I –
DOLLY [interrupting him] Oh yes, you are: you think youre not; but you are. I know by your eyebrows.
BOHUN [capitulating] Mrs Clandon: these are clever children: clear headed well brought up children. I make that admission deliberately. Can you, in return, point out to me any way of inducing them to hold their tongues?
MRS CLANDON. Dolly dearest –!
PHILIP. Our old failing, Dolly. Silence.
Dolly holds her mouth.
MRS CLANDON. Now, Mr Bohun, before they begin again –
WAITER [softly] Be quick, sir: be quick.
DOLLY [beaming at him] Dear William!
PHILIP. Sh!
BOHUN [unexpectedly beginning by hurling a question straight at Dolly] Have you any intention of getting married?
DOLLY. I! Well, Finch calls me by my
Christian name.
M’COMAS [starting violently] I will not have this. Mr Bohun: I use the young lady’s Christian name naturally as an old friend of her mother’s.
DOLLY. Yes, you call me Dolly as an old friend of my mother’s. But what about Dorothee-ee-a?
M’Comas rises indignantly.
CRAMPTON [anxiously, rising to restrain him] Keep your temper, M’Comas. Dont let us quarrel. Be patient.
M’COMAS. I will not be patient. You are shewing the most wretched weakness of character, Crampton. I say this is monstrous.
DOLLY. Mr Bohun: please bully Finch for us.
BOHUN. I will. M’Comas: youre making yourself ridiculous. Sit down.
M’COMAS. I –
BOHUN [waving him down imperiously] No: sit down, sit down. M’Comas sits down sulkily; and Crampton, much relieved, follows his example.
DOLLY [to Bohun, meekly] Thank you.
BOHUN. Now listen to me, all of you. I give no opinion, M’Comas, as to how far you may or may not have committed yourself in the direction indicated by this young lady. [M’Comas is about to protest]. No: dont interrupt me: if she doesnt marry you she will marry somebody else. That is the solution of the difficulty as to her not bearing her father’s name. The other lady intends to get married.
GLORIA [flushing] Mr Bohun!
BOHUN. Oh yes you do: you dont know it; but you do.
GLORIA [rising] Stop. I warn you, Mr Bohun, not to answer for my intentions.
BOHUN [rising] It’s no use, Miss Clandon: you cant put me down. I tell you your name will soon be neither Clandon nor Crampton; and I could tell you what it will be if I chose. [He goes to the table and takes up his domino. They all rise; and Phil goes to the window. Bohun, with a gesture, summons the waiter to help him to robe]. Mr Crampton: your notion of going to law is all nonsense: your children will be of age before you can get the point decided. [Allowing the waiter to put the domino on his shoulder] You can do nothing but make a friendly arrangement. If you want your family more than they want you, youll get the worst of the arrangement: if they want you more than you want them youll get the better of it. [He shakes the domino into becoming folds and takes up the false nose. Dolly gazes admiringly at him]. The strength of their position lies in their being very agreeable people personally. The strength of your position lies in your income. [He claps on the false nose, and is again grotesquely transfigured].
Plays Pleasant Page 32
