DOLLY [running to him] Oh, now you look quite like a human being. Maynt I have just one dance with you? Can you dance?
Phil, resuming his part of harlequin, waves his bat as if casting a spell on them.
BOHUN [thunderously] Yes: you think I cant: but I can. Allow me. [He seizes her and dances off with her through the window in a most powerful manner, but with studied propriety and grace].
PHILIP. ‘On with the dance: let joy be unconfined.’ William.
WAITER. Yes, sir.
PHILIP. Can you procure a couple of dominos and false noses for my father and Mr M’Comas?
M’COMAS. Most certainly not. I protest –
CRAMPTON. Yes, yes. What harm will it do, just for once, M’Comas? Dont let us be spoil-sports.
M’COMAS. Crampton: you are not the man I took you for. [Pointedly] Bullies are always cowards. [He goes disgustedly towards the window].
CRAMPTON [following him] Well, never mind. We must indulge them a little. Can you get us something to wear, waiter?
WAITER. Certainly, sir. [He precedes them to the window, and stands aside there to let them pass out before him]. This way, sir. Dominos and noses, sir?
M’COMAS [angrily, on his way out] I shall wear my own nose.
WAITER [suavely] Oh dear yes, sir: the false one will fit over it quite easily, sir: plenty of room, sir, plenty of room. [He goes out after M’Comas].
CRAMPTON [turning at the window to Phil with an attempt at genial fatherliness] Come along, my boy. Come along. [He goes].
PHILIP [cheerily, following him] Coming, dad, coming. [On the window threshold he stops; looks after Crampton; then turns fantastically with his bat bent into a halo round his head, and says with lowered voice to Mrs Clandon and Gloria] Did you feel the pathos of that? [He vanishes].
MRS CLANDON [left alone with Gloria] Why did Mr Valentine go away so suddenly, I wonder?
GLORIA [petulantly] I dont know. Yes, I do know. Let us go and see the dancing.
They go towards the window, and are met by Valentine, who comes in from the garden walking quickly, with his face set and sulky.
VALENTINE [stiffly] Excuse me. I thought the party had quite broken up.
GLORIA [nagging] Then why did you come back?
VALENTINE. I came back because I am penniless. I cant get out that way without a five-shilling ticket.
MRS CLANDON. Has anything annoyed you, Mr Valentine?
GLORIA. Never mind him, mother. This is a fresh insult to me: that is all.
MRS CLANDON [hardly able to realize that Gloria is deliberately provoking an altercation] Gloria!
VALENTINE. Mrs Clandon: have I said anything insulting? Have I done anything insulting?
GLORIA. You have implied that my past has been like yours. That is the worst of insults.
VALENTINE. I imply nothing of the sort, I declare that my past has been blameless in comparison with yours.
MRS CLANDON [most indignantly] Mr Valentine!
VALENTINE. Well, what am I to think when I learn that Miss Clandon has made exactly the same speeches to other men that she has made to me? Five former lovers, with a tame naval lieutenant thrown in! Oh, it’s too bad.
MRS CLANDON. But you surely do not believe that these affairs – mere jokes of the children’s – were serious, Mr Valentine?
VALENTINE. Not to you. Not to her, perhaps. But I know what the men felt. [With ludicrously genuine earnestness] Have you ever thought of the wrecked lives, the unhappy marriages contracted in the recklessness of despair, the suicides, the – the – the –
GLORIA [interrupting him contemptuously] Mother: this man is a sentimental idiot. [She sweeps away to the fireplace].
MRS CLANDON [shocked] Oh, my dearest Gloria, Mr Valentine will think that rude.
VALENTINE. I am not a sentimental idiot. I am cured of sentiment for ever. [He turns away in dudgeon].
MRS CLANDON. Mr Valentine: you must excuse us all. Women have to unlearn the false good manners of their slavery before they acquire the genuine good manners of their freedom. Dont think Gloria vulgar [Gloria turns, astonished] : she is not really so.
GLORIA. Mother! You apologize for me to him!
MRS CLANDON. My dear: you have some of the faults of youth as well as its qualities; and Mr Valentine seems rather too old fashioned in his ideas about his own sex to like being called an idiot. And now had we not better go and see what Dolly is doing? [She goes towards the window].
GLORIA. Do you go, mother. I wish to speak to Mr Valentine alone.
MRS CLANDON [startled into a remonstrance] My dear! [Recollecting herself] I beg your pardon, Gloria. Certainly, if you wish. [She goes out].
VALENTINE. Oh, if your mother were only a widow! She’s worth six of you.
GLORIA. That is the first thing I have heard you say that does you honor.
VALENTINE. Stuff! Come: say what you want to say and let me go.
GLORIA. I have only this to say. You dragged me down to your level for a moment this afternoon. Do you think, if that had ever happened before, that I should not have been on my guard? that I should not have known what was coming, and known my own miserable weakness?
VALENTINE [scolding at her passionately] Dont talk of it in that way. What do I care for anything in you but your weakness, as you call it? You thought yourself very safe, didnt you, behind your advanced ideas? I amused myself by upsetting them pretty easily.
GLORIA [insolently, feeling that now she can do as she likes with him] Indeed!
VALENTINE. But why did I do it? Because I was being tempted to awaken your heart: to stir the depth in you. Why was I tempted? Because Nature was in deadly earnest with me when I was in jest with her. When the great moment came, who was awakened? who was stirred? in whom did the depths break up? In myself – myself. I was transported: you were only offended – shocked. You are just an ordinaiy young lady, too ordinary to allow tame lieutenants to go as far as I went. Thats all. I shall not trouble you with conventional apologies. Goodbye. [He makes resolutely for the door].
GLORIA. Stop. [He hesitates]. Oh, will you understand, if I tell you the truth, that I am not making advances to you?
VALENTINE. Pooh! I know what youre going to say. You think youre not ordinary: that I was right: that you really have those depths in your nature. It flatters you to believe it. [She recoils]. Well, I grant that you are not ordinary in some ways: you are a clever girl [Gloria stifles an exclamation of rage, and takes a threatening step towards him] but youve not been awakened yet. You didnt care: you dont care. It was my tragedy, not yours. Goodbye. [He turns to the door. She watches him, appalled to see him slipping from her grasp. As he turns the handle, he pauses; then turns again to her, offering his hand]. Let us part kindly.
GLORIA [enormously relieved, and immediately turning her back on him deliberately] Goodbye. I trust you will soon recover from the wound.
VALENTINE [brightening up as it flashes on him that he is master of the situation after all] I shall recover: such wounds heal more than they harm. After all, I still have my own Gloria.
GLORIA [facing him quickly] What do you mean?
VALENTINE. The Gloria of my imagination.
GLORIA [proudly] Keep your own Gloria: the Gloria of your imagination. [Her emotion begins to break through her pride]. The real Gloria: the Gloria who was shocked, offended, horrified – oh yes, quite truly – who was driven almost mad with shame by the feeling that all her power over herself had broken down at her first real encounter with – with –[The color rushes over her face again. She covers it with her left hand, and puts her right on his left arm to support herself].
VALENTINE. Take care. I’m losing my senses again. [Summoning all her courage, she takes away her hand from her face and puts it on his right shoulder, turning him towards her and looking him straight in the eyes. He begins to protest agitatedly]. Gloria: be sensible: it’s no use: I havnt a penny in the world.
GLORIA. Cant you earn one? Other people do.
VALEN
TINE [half delighted, half frightened] I never could: youd be unhappy. My dearest love: I should be the merest fortune-hunting adventurer if – [Her grip of his arms tightens; and she kisses him]. Oh Lord! [Breathless] Oh I – [he gasps] I dont know anything about women: twelve years experience is not enough. [In a gust of jealousy she throws him away from her; and he reels back into a chair like a leaf before the wind].
Dolly dances in, waltzing with the waiter, followed by Mrs Clandon and Finch, also waltzing, and Phil pirouetting by himself
DOLLY [sinking on the chair at the writing-table] Oh, I’m out of breath. How beautifully you waltz, William!
MRS CLANDON [sinking on the saddle-bag seat on the hearth] Oh, how could you make me do such a silly thing, Finch! I havnt danced since the soirée at South Place twenty years ago.
GLORIA [peremptorily to Valentine] Get up. [Valentine gets up abjectly]. Now let us have no false delicacy. Tell my mother that we have agreed to marry one another.
A silence of stupefaction ensues. Valentine, dumb with panic, looks at them with an obvious impulse to run away.
DOLLY [breaking the silence] Number six!
PHILIP. Sh!
DOLLY [tumultuously] Oh, my feelings! I want to kiss somebody; and we bar it in the family. Wheres Finch?
M’COMAS. NO, positively.
Crampton appears at the window.
DOLLY [running to Crampton] Oh, youre just in time. [She kisses him]. Now [leading him forward] bless them.
GLORIA. No. I will have no such thing, even in jest. When I need a blessing, I shall ask my mother’s.
CRAMPTON [to Gloria, with deep disappointment] Am I to understand that you have engaged yourself to this young gentleman?
GLORIA [resolutely] Yes. Do you intend to be our friend or –
DOLLY – or our father?
CRAMPTON. I should like to be both, my child. But surely –! Mr Valentine: I appeal to your sense of honor.
VALENTINE. Youre quite right. It’s perfect madness. If we go out to dance together I shall have to borrow five shillings from her for a ticket. Gloria: dont be rash: youre throwing yourself away. I’d much better clear straight out of this, and never see any of you again. I shant commit suicide; I shant even be unhappy. Itll be a relief to me: I – I’m frightened, I’m positively frightened; and thats the plain truth.
GLORIA [determinedly] You shall not go.
VALENTINE [quailing] No, dearest: of course not. But – oh, will somebody only talk sense for a moment and bring us all to reason! I cant. Wheres Bohun? Bohun’s the man. Phil: go and summon Bohun.
PHILIP. From the vasty deep. I go. [He makes his bat quiver in the air and darts away through the window].
WAITER [harmoniously to Valentine] If you will excuse my putting in a word, sir, do not let a matter of five shillings stand between you and your happiness, sir. We shall be only too pleased to put the ticket down to you; and you can settle at your convenience. Very glad to meet you in any way, very happy and pleased indeed, sir.
PHILIP [reappearing] He comes. [He waves his bat over the window].
Bohun comes in, taking off his false nose and throwing it on the table in passing as he comes between Gloria and Valentine.
VALENTINE. The point is, Mr Bohun –
M’COMAS [interrupting from the hearthrug] Excuse me, sir: the point must be put to him by a solicitor. The question is one of an engagement between these two young people. The lady has some property, and [looking at Crampton] will probably have a good deal more.
CRAMPTON. Possibly. I hope so.
VALENTINE. And the gentleman hasnt a rap.
BOHUN [nailing Valentine to the point instantly] Then insist on a settlement. That shocks your delicacy: most sensible precautions do. But you ask my advice; and I give it to you. Have a settlement.
GLORIA [proudly] He shall have a settlement.
VALENTINE. My good sir, I dont want advice for myself. Give her some advice.
BOHUN. She wont take it. When youre married, she wont take yours either – [turning suddenly on Gloria] oh no you wont: you think you will; but you wont. He’ll set to work and earn his living – [turning suddenly on Valentine] oh yes you will: you think you wont; but you will. She’ll make you.
CRAMPTON [only half persuaded] Then, Mr Bohun, you dont think this match an unwise one?
BOHUN. Yes I do: all matches are unwise. It’s unwise to be born; it’s unwise to be married; it’s unwise to live; and it’s wise to die.
WAITER [insinuating himself between Crampton and Valentine] Then, if I may respectfully put a word in, sir, so much the worse for wisdom!
PHILIP. Allow me to remark that if Gloria has made up her mind –
DOLLY. The matter’s settled; and Valentine’s done for. And we’re missing all the dances.
VALENTINE [to Gloria, gallantly making the best of it] May I have a dance –
BOHUN [interposing in his grandest diapason] Excuse me: I claim that privilege as counsel’s fee. May I have the honor? thank you. [He dances away with Gloria, and disappears among the lanterns, leaving Valentine gasping].
VALENTINE [recovering his breath] Dolly: may I – [offering himself as her partner] ?
DOLLY. Nonsense! [eluding him and running round the table to the fireplace]. Finch: my Finch! [She pounces on M’Comas and makes him dance.]
M’COMAS [protesting] Pray restrain – really – [He is borne off dancing through the window].
VALENTINE [making a last effort] Mrs Clandon: may I –
PHILIP [forestalling him] Come, mother. [He seizes his mother and whirls her away].
MRS CLANDON [remonstrating] Phil, Phil – [She shares M’Comas’s fate].
CRAMPTON [following them with senile glee] Ho! ho! He! he! he! [He goes into the garden chuckling].
VALENTINE [collapsing on the ottoman and staring at the waiter] I might as well be a married man already.
WAITER [contemplating the defeated Duellist of Sex with ineffable benignity] Cheer up, sir, cheer up. Every man is frightened of marriage when it comes to the point; but it often turns out very comfortable, very enjoyable and happy indeed, sir – from time to time. I never was master in my own house, sir: my wife was like your young lady: she was of a commanding and masterful disposition, which my son has inherited. But if I had my life to live twice over, I’d do it again: I’d do it again, I assure you. You never can tell, sir: you never can tell.
ARMS AND THE MAN
Composition begun 26 November 1893; completed 30 March 1894. Published in Plays Pleasant and Unpleasant, 1898. Revised text in Collected Edition, 1930. First presented by Florence Farr at the Avenue Theatre, London, on 21 April 1894 (fifty performances).
Major Paul Petkoff James Welch
Major Sergius Saranoff Bernard Gould
Captain Bluntschliy orke Stephens
Major Plechanoff A. E. W. Mason
Nicola Orlando Barnett
Catherine Petkoff Mrs Charles Calvert
Raina Petkoff Alma Murray
Louka Florence Farr
The action occurs at Major Petkoff’s house in a small Bulgarian town, near the Dragoman Pass, 1885–6.
ACT I Raina’s Chamber
ACT II The Garden
ACT III The Library
CANDIDA
Composition begun 2 October 1894; completed 7 December 1894. Published in Plays Pleasant and Unpleasant, 1898. Revised text in Collected Edition, 1930. Copyright reading at the Theatre Royal, South Shields, on 30 March 1895. First presented by the Independent Theatre Company at Her Majesty’s Theatre, Aberdeen, on 30 July 1897, at the start of a provincial tour. Presented by the Stage Society at the Strand Theatre, London, on 1 July 1900, with the same cast except for the substitution of Granville Barker as Eugene Marchbanks (originally spelled Marjoribanks).
The Reverend James Mavor Morell Charles Charrington
Eugene Marchbanks Courtney Thorpe
Mr Burgess Lionel Belmore
The Reverend Alexander Mill Robert Farquharson
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Miss Proserpine Garnett Edith Craig
Candida Morell Janet Achurch
Scene: The Study and General Sitting-room, St Dominic’s Vicarage, Victoria Park, London. Time: October 1894.
ACT I Morning
ACT II Afternoon
ACT III Evening
THE MAN OF DESTINY
Composition begun 10 May 1895; completed 24 August 1895. Published in Plays Pleasant and Unpleasant, 1898. Revised text in Collected Edition, 1930. First presented by Murray Carson at the Grand Theatre, Croydon, on 1 July 1897 (three performances).
Napoleon Murray Carson
A Lieutenant E. H. Kelly
Giuseppe Horace Hodges
A Strange Lady Florence West
Scene: Tavazzano, Italy. An Inn on the road from Lodi to Milan. Period: May 12, 1796. Time: 7.30 in the Evening.
YOU NEVER CAN TELL
Composition begun December 1895 (after an abortive effort in July 1895); completed 18 May 1896. Published in Plays Pleasant and Unpleasant, 1898. Revised text in Collected Edition, 1930. Copyright reading at the Victoria Hall (Bijou Theatre), London, on 23 March 1898. First presented by the Stage Society at the Royalty Theatre, London, on 26 November 1899.
Mr Valentine Yorke Stephens
Dolly Clandon Winifred Fraser
Philip Clandon Roland Bottomley
Gloria Clandon Margaret Halstan
Mrs Lanfrey Clandon Elsie Chester
Fergus Crampton Hermann Vezin
Waiter James Welch
Finch M’Comas Sydney Warden
Walter Bohun Charles Charrington
Parlormaid Mabel Hardinge
Jo Edward Knoblauch
Plays Pleasant Page 33
