Lost

by Nadia Simonenko

  “Your English muffin’s already in the toaster,” she mumbles sleepily as I rummage through the fridge, and I smile gratefully and call off my search.

  “Thanks.”

  “No problem,” she answers. “How’d you enjoy last night?”

  “It was fantastic,” I gush as I pour myself a cup of coffee. My muffin pops up in the toaster, and I slather it with butter before joining her at the table.

  “What about yours?”

  She smiles slyly at me before answering.

  “Are you sure you want those kinds of details?”

  “Oh God, no,” I stammer, shaking my head. “I don’t want to hear it!”

  The last thing I want to hear about is Tina having sex. She’s like a little sister to me, or maybe more like tiny, older sister. Either way, I don’t want to hear about it! Not now, not ever.

  “I thought not,” she whispers. She sticks out her tongue at me before taking another sip and sighing contently into her coffee. A puff of steam floats out from her cup and slowly fades away.

  My muffin crunches delightfully as I take the first bite. Tina made the coffee super strong again, though, and it’s so bitter that it feels like my tongue is shriveling up.

  “You know... I’m really proud of you,” she blurts out suddenly. “For last night, I mean.”

  I don’t know what to say to something like that, so instead I take another bite of my muffin and let her keep going.

  “You have no idea how excited I was when I walked in and saw you kissing him! You’ve come so far and so fast,” says Tina, and then she adds, “Sorry about walking in on you though, I didn’t interrupt anything... big... last night, did I?”

  I shake my head and I feel my face turn red.

  “No worries—you didn’t. I’m happy you came in when you did, though.”

  She raises an eyebrow and waits for me to elaborate.

  “I... well, if you hadn’t come in when you did...” I stammer, not sure what to say.

  “You were losing control?” she asks, and I nod. I’m glad she can read my mind, because I have no idea how to express what happened.

  “Everything just felt so wonderful,” I whisper. “It was amazing, and I don’t know if I could have stopped myself if we went any further.”

  She nods and purses her lips.

  “It’s like I was lost, kind of,” I try to explain, grasping for whatever words I can find. “My brain was off in a haze, enjoying itself while it let my body do whatever it wanted.”

  She closes her eyes and smiles at me as if she knows exactly what I mean. She probably does, given how she spent the evening.

  “So... mind if I change the subject for just a second?” asks Tina after a long silence. Her eyes are wide and excited, and she looks like she might explode if she doesn’t tell me whatever it is that’s on her mind.

  “Go for it!” I answer with a grin.

  She holds up a brown manila envelope with big red letters stamped on it. “INTERVIEW.”

  “The vet school!” she squeals happily, dancing in her chair. “They’re interviewing me for admission!”

  “Awesome!” I shout, and she high-fives me from across the table. “See? I told you they’d be interested!”

  “They only take like fifty students a year and they want to interview me?” she gushes excitedly. “That just doesn’t happen!”

  “Congratulations!”

  “You had any luck with your interviews so far?” she asks, and I shake my head.

  “Oh well... you’ll do great at the spring career fair,” she tells me.

  I hope I do. I haven’t applied anywhere since January—not after panicking during the last one—and I’m running out of time before graduation.

  We stare silently at each other until Tina finally breaks the ice again.

  “So... anything else you want to talk about from last night?”

  “I need to figure some things out for myself right now,” I answer quietly. “A lot of my feelings aren’t making sense, and I don’t understand them.”

  I should be leaping for joy right now—maybe even racing over to Owen’s place to kiss him again—but deep inside, I’m also a little nervous. I lost control of myself last night, and as wonderful as it felt, it was scary to feel myself do things I’d never thought I’d do.

  “Welcome to romance, sweetie,” Tina says, reaching out and patting my hand comfortingly. “Your thoughts never make sense when you like someone.”

  “Never?”

  “Well... maybe they do eventually, but they haven’t for me yet,” she answers with a shrug. “When you’re excited about someone and new to all of it, well... all bets are off.”

  I sigh as I listen to her. I’m twenty-two and only just now dating someone—how am I ever supposed to catch up emotionally to where I should be?

  “Explore your feelings,” she continues, and then quietly adds, “Just... please be careful, okay?”

  “You’ve told me that a few times now. What do you mean?”

  She hops up from the table and refills her coffee before answering me.

  “Good feelings can make you do very stupid things,” she explains, and now I get where she’s going with her warning. I felt the beginning of it last night—how I lost control of myself to the warm, wonderful feelings and almost let myself go completely. Even more, I remember how Tina was during her freshman year.

  After her mother forgot her, Tina did everything she could to make connections with other people and replace the family she’d lost. She went through guy after guy during her freshman, and she always told me about whomever she was sleeping with. I always thought she was bragging about her conquests and hated listening to her until the night she finally broke down and started crying up in her top bunk. She’d been screaming for help—begging for someone to care about her—and I hadn’t been listening.

  She’s worried that I’ll end up like she was.

  Tina excuses herself to go study. I really should do the same, but I desperately need to take a shower. My hair feels gross and greasy, and I know I’ll never be able to concentrate like this.

  I let the water warm up while I grab my bathrobe and towel from my room and the air is thick with steam by the time I undress and step into the comforting heat of the shower.

  I close my eyes and lean back against the shower wall, enjoying the mixed sensations of hot water and cold tile. My imagination immediately goes back to last night—back to memories of Owen’s body pressing against mine and the incredible feeling of his fingers against my skin. I’ve never felt that good before.

  I wonder what would have happened if Tina hadn’t walked in on us. Where would we have gone next? My imagination immediately tries to answer, nearly burying me in a cascade of delightfully dirty ideas. A relaxed smile spreads across my face as I lean back with my eyes closed, imagining all the things Owen and I could have done last night.

  I slowly run a hand up my leg as I imagine laying in Owen’s arms as he does the same to me. In my mind, his hand gently touches me between my legs. A shiver runs through me as I touch myself with one finger. Would I really have been okay with him touching me like this? I think so... it’s hard to tell now. My mind starts to wander off into a pleasant haze as I slowly drag my finger up and down, feeling each wonderful tingle grow a little stronger than the last. Over and over, groaning as I feel the heat growing inside me, Owen matching pace in my mind all the while.

  A sharp burst of pleasure shoots up my spine, and suddenly I’m not having fun anymore. The burning pleasures are still growing inside me, but the dark place in the back of my mind is growing even faster. An old fear flickers to life deep inside me, reminding me that I’ve felt this all before.

  I try to focus on Owen’s hand against my leg, how he touched me, how his body felt pressed against me, but even remembering the glorious feelings of last night can’t stop the terror bursting to life in the back of my mind.

  Owen’s beautiful smile and gray eyes are gone, rep
laced instead by Darren’s cold, triumphant sneer.

  All I can do is lie on the bed, eyes wide with fear, as he yanks my skirt up around my waist. He doesn’t even bother holding me down anymore. He knows I’m not going anywhere, that my body has abandoned me and left me defenseless against everything he’s doing to me. Fear has completely paralyzed me. I can’t even scream. God, I want to scream so badly.

  Why is this happening? Why is he doing this to me?

  I can feel myself breaking apart as he pushes into me. I want to scream in pain, fear, humiliation... every nerve in my body wants to scream out loud, but I lay on the bed in silence. It hurts so much that I feel like I’m dying. My mind curls up in a little ball inside me, crying in misery the way my body ought to be right now.

  Instead, my body is betraying me. It’s not enough for it to stop me from fighting... now it wants me to believe this is fun. Impossible feelings are bursting to life inside me—feelings that my body claims are pleasures but my mind knows are nightmares—and all I can do is lie here and take them.

  I want to die.

  I yank my hand away and curl up on the floor of the shower, hoping that the sound of the water masks my sobbing. I lean my head against the cold tiles and close my eyes as the steaming-hot water pours down on me. I need another shower now so I can wash away the invisible filth on my skin.

  I can’t escape. It’s been seven years and Darren still controls me.

  ––––––––

  “Maria? Are you in there?” calls Tina from the hall. I’m sitting on the floor, still dressed in my white bathrobe as I write feverishly.

  “Give me ten minutes,” I yell back to her, not looking up from the book of nightmares. It’ll be more than ten minutes, but I have to write this down. Someday, the book will swallow all the bad memories and I’ll be free.

  I remember the pain as he pushed into me, and even worse than that, the terror and helplessness as my body betrayed me.

  I couldn’t move. I wanted to struggle—my mind screamed for me to fight back—but I couldn’t move a muscle. I could barely even breathe.

  It went on and on, and my body started reacting to what he was doing to me. I’m lying on the bed, screaming in silent terror while my body takes him in and acts like it’s enjoying itself, but all I want to do is cry. I’ve never felt more alone in my life than when that happened. I was trapped inside myself, forced to watch and feel everything that happened like it was all a sick joke.

  My body betrayed me and then had the nerve to try to tell me it was fun.

  Everything I read tells me this is normal—that my body only did what it was programmed to do, and that most people freeze up just like I did—but it’s the worst thing I’ve ever felt. It’s as if my own body hated me and wanted to hurt me just as badly as Darren did. It let him take me without a fight, let him violate me, and then kicked me while I was down.

  I hated it! I hated every fucking second of it! How am I supposed to ever be with Owen now, when all the things I want to do with him are broken, when even the idea of feeling good is bad?

  The nightmares will come back again. How can I risk leading him on and letting our relationship get stronger when I know what will happen if we ever take that next step? I don’t want to hurt him.

  “I’m so sorry, Owen,” I whisper. “You deserve a normal girl, and I’ll never be that.”

  Saturday, March 9 – 3:00 PM

  Owen

  My phone rings again, and a student at a nearby table glares at me. I answer it this time and race out into the lobby.

  “Hello?”

  “Hi Owen...”

  Maria’s voice is warm and soft, and somehow nothing else matters when I hear her say my name. It doesn’t matter that I can’t afford food or that my parents don’t care about me anymore—she does, and she’s all I need.

  “What’s up?” I ask. My stomach growls so loudly that I worry, for a moment, that she’ll hear it over the phone.

  “Um... not much. I was just calling to see if you’d like to stop by tonight,” she tells me, her voice tight and nervous. “Maybe we can watch a movie?”

  My phone buzzes against my ear and I nearly drop it on the floor. It’s just Tina sending me a text message, but I’ve never gotten used to my ear buzzing like that.

  “Owen? Are you there?”

  “Oh, sorry!” I apologize. “Sure, I’d love to. Just let me finish up my homework first, okay?”

  “Alright. Just call me when you’re heading over.”

  “Will do,” I answer happily. Just talking to her puts a smile on my face.

  “Bye,” she says quietly, and I imagine her blushing as she hangs up the phone. I don’t deserve a girl as wonderful as she is.

  My phone buzzes again, and I hurriedly check Tina’s messages before she starts threatening me again.

  “Come to Collegetown Pizza. We need to talk.”

  “Right now, Owen. I mean it.”

  Tina’s such a tiny thing, but she’s so forceful that I don’t dare say no. Instead, I pack my bags and hurry to the south bridge leading out from campus. If Tina says to meet with her, I’m damned well going to meet with her.

  The smell of melted cheese and tomato sauce drives me nuts as I walk into the pizzeria, and I desperately wish I could get a slice. Tina is already here and for once in her life, she isn’t wearing pink. Instead, she’s wearing a thin black jacket, gray tights, and ridiculously oversized fur-trimmed boots.

  Sometimes I just don’t know about her. Between her usual pink wardrobe and now these boots, I can’t tell if she’s unintentionally dressing to a stereotype or doing it as some kind of statement. I’ve met some really ditzy students, but she definitely isn’t one of them. I don’t know if she’s a genius like Maria who, according to my fellow teaching assistant Liz, still hasn’t missed a question yet this year, but she’s sharp enough that I don’t dare assume the obvious.

  She waves me over to her table, and I eye her cautiously as I sit down across from her. I’m nervous about meeting with her. The last time she contacted me out of the blue like this, I ended up wearing a suit to a casual-attire swing dance.

  “Hey, how are you?” I ask, staring at the tantalizing slice of pepperoni pizza on her plate. God, I’m so hungry.

  “Not bad,” she answers through a mouthful of cheesy goodness. “Yourself?”

  “Um... good enough.”

  “You wanna grab anything first?” she asks, and I shake my head.

  “No thanks. Not hungry.”

  I’m lying, of course. I’d kill a hobo for a slice of pizza right now. I’m starving, have been since yesterday, and probably will be for another week unless I can steal some leftovers from Craig.

  “Suit yourself,” she says with a shrug. She torments me with one last bite of her slice, and the cheese stretches beautifully and makes my stomach growl.

  “So anyway, what did you want?” I ask, trying to get her to hurry up. I like talking to her, but not in a pizza place while I’m starving.

  “Well, it’s like this... um...”

  Tina fumbles for words, and I take a deep breath and prepare myself. She’s never at a loss for things to say, so she must have really uncomfortable plans for me.

  “You know... fuck it, I’ll just tell you,” she tells me, giving up on being nice to me. “You and Maria are getting really close to each other now, and I’m worried that you’re moving too quickly with her. I want to make sure you’re not going to hurt her.”

  “There’s nothing I want to do less than hurt her, Tina!” I answer, hurt by her distrust.

  “I don’t mean intentionally,” she fires back, raising an eyebrow at me. “If I thought you were a jerk, Craig and I would never have set you two up in the first place. You could be the nicest guy on earth and still accidentally hurt her.”

  I stare at her silently and can’t think of a damned thing to say in response.

  “Look, I have a reputation for saying inappropriate things,” she continues,
“but I’m dead serious here: if you hurt Maria, I will kill you. I care about her like she’s my own sister.”

  “Tina, what happened to her? I know something did,” I ask quietly. I’ve known ever since I first saw Samantha’s fear in her eyes.

  Tina shakes her head.

  ‘Come on, Tina. How am I supposed to not hurt her if I don’t know what’s wrong?”

  “No way!” she fires back. “How would you like it if Craig told everyone about your secrets?”

  I’m taken aback by her reply. Did Maria tell her about my father? She wouldn’t do that. No, there’s no way she did that.

  “Who says I even have a secret?” I challenge her, trying my best to keep a straight, calm face. She bursts out laughing, and all I can do is stare at her in hurt confusion.

  “I know you have one because if you didn’t, Maria would never have given you a chance,” she finally answers. “You know how nervous and vulnerable she feels around strangers. Do you think she’d have stuck by you after what happened at the ski slope if she didn’t feel like she was on equal footing?”

  I open my mouth to protest but she cuts me off before I get a word out.

  “Also,” she continues, “Maria and I became friends back during freshman year because we felt safe around each other. She feels safe with you now, too.”

  “I promise I’m not going to hurt her.”

  “Why should I believe you?” she suddenly fires back angrily, as if she’s interrogating a prisoner instead of a friend. “Answer me!”

  “Because I love her, you idiot!” I shout at her, and everyone in the restaurant turns and stares at me.

  I cover my mouth in embarrassment, but it’s too late. The words have escaped, and there’s no bringing them back. I blurted out the first thing that popped into my head, and I don’t know what scares me more: that I called Tina an idiot, or that I said I love Maria.

  Her beautiful smile and shining green eyes burst to life inside my imagination, and I remember how I felt while we danced together. I’d never felt so happy before in my life. There was something special there, a strange, magical connection with her that I’d never felt before. I feel like something changed inside me that night, as if I took a big step forward and can never go back again.