by Holly Jaymes
She shook her head.
“I’m going to have to live with it for the rest of my life,” she added.
We fell into silence for a few moments.
“So, what now?” I asked. I wasn’t even sure what I wanted the answer to be.
“Now, I go to the office and try and write up this damn article!” she exclaimed.
“Best of luck, I guess,” I said. We smiled at each other.
There was some small talk between us, while we finished our breakfast. We spoke a little about our college. We talked about friendships and life. We had a lot in common. Margo seemed to be in a much better mood than she was in the previous night. The whole time, I stared at her like I knew that something massive had changed in my life. Suddenly, being with her seemed normal. I wanted to do it again. I knew I wanted to wake up beside her and make her breakfast and hear her talk.
When she finished, she started to get out of bed.
“Thank you for the lovely breakfast, Isaac. I don’t think I’ve eaten anything that healthy in a long time,” she said.
She dragged the bedsheets with her, using them to cover her naked body while she started picking up her clothes.
I laid back in bed, with my hands crossed behind my head. I could have watched her all day. Even though she was still in the room, I felt like I missed her already.
Margo went to the bathroom and emerged with her face washed and looking brighter.
“Looks like I’ll have to go to the office directly,” she said, looking at her wristwatch. I wanted to ask her to stay, but I also didn’t want to push my luck.
“I had a good time, Margo, and I feel like we really had an amazing connection,” I said, standing up from the bed. She fixed her bag on her shoulder and smiled weakly at me.
“Yeah, I needed that. I needed to vent. I had a good time too,” she replied.
Then I followed her to the door of my house, and she lingered there for a few moments. She looked like she wanted to say something. I wanted to say something too, but I didn’t know what would be appropriate. Most importantly, I wanted to find out when I could see her again.
“I hope you have a good day, Isaac,” was what she eventually said.
“You too,” I told her and then leaned in to brush my lips against her cheek. She flushed red and then turned and walked out of the door.
I was tempted to keep standing there and watch her go, but I didn’t want to creep her out. So, instead, I shut the door and went into the kitchen to make myself another coffee.
I had the morning free since I had canceled my class already. Now that I was left alone with my thoughts, my mind started drifting to the possibility of seeing her again. I thought about our night together, and I went over and over it in my mind. At certain times, I felt a spark just by remembering how I felt with her. I knew I wanted to have a serious conversation with her about our next steps.
This relationship had evolved very quickly. It didn’t feel like something casual anymore. Seeing Sawyer and how happy he was with his family, had encouraged me to think about my future too. I wanted to protect her. I wanted her to know that I have been waiting my whole life to find a woman that I knew I wouldn't hurt and who felt like part of my soul. I knew that woman was Margo.
Chapter 14
Margo
Two days later, I walked into Lionel’s office with the report in hand. He was on a phone call when I entered, and I waited for him to finish. I looked around his office, as I sat in a chair across from him. I knew this office well, and I felt a sudden sharp jolt of nostalgia as I sat there.
“What do you have for me?” Lionel asked when he ended the call.
I handed him my printed report, and he quickly glanced through it.
“You made it in time! I thought you had forgotten all about it,” he joked and looked up at me with a smile.
“I still take my job seriously, Lionel,” I replied and clasped my hands together on my lap. Lionel sighed and nodded his head.
“Sorry, I was just making a joke. Of course, you take your job seriously, Margo, I don’t doubt that” he said.
It was this next bit that I was most worried about. I had practiced a speech, but somehow, I couldn’t recall a single word of it. Lionel could see that there was something more that I had to say. He crossed his brows and glared at me.
“C’mon, Margo, out with it,” he barked.
I gulped and prepared myself.
“I’ve decided that I’m going to leave,” I told him.
There was a silence of a few moments in the room while Lionel allowed the words to sink in.
“Leave? What do you mean, leave? Go where? Another paper?” he asked, leaning over his desk towards me. I shook my head.
“No, not another paper. Don’t worry, Lionel, I haven’t been looking for other jobs,” I told him. He sat back in his chair.
“You mean you’re quitting?” he asked, and I nodded.
“Don’t be silly, Margo. I told you all you have to do is, lay low for a few months, maybe a year, and then we can slowly start getting you on to more serious matters again,” he argued. I nodded and then I shook my head.
“I know what you said, and I appreciate you trying to help me. I truly do. But…” I said, and he cut me off.
“This isn’t good enough?” he barked, holding up the report I had just handed to him. I stared at him guiltily, not sure of what more to tell him.
He flipped through the report quickly while I sat there.
“This is good stuff, Margo. It’s in your trademark crisp writing. Your writing is to the point. No bullshit. This is what we need, and honestly, this is what you need too. Just for some time, while you recover your reputation,” Lionel continued.
“Thank you for saying that, Lionel, really, I know you think highly of me and I’ve disappointed you. I’ve disappointed everyone,” I said. I could feel my voice cracking.
“Okay, Margo look, I know I’ve been hard on you, but everyone makes mistakes,” he said.
“Not like mine. Not so harshly. I behaved, and I can’t forgive myself for it. I shouldn’t expect you to either,” I argued.
Lionel sighed and then dragged his glasses off his face.
“Is there anything I can say or do that might change your mind?” he asked me. I looked down at my lap, feeling ashamed of myself.
“No, Lionel, I’ve made up my mind,” I answered.
“Where are you going to go? Are you staying in Boston? What will you do?”
I shook my head.
“I don’t know, I haven’t thought that far ahead. All I know is that I need to get out of this industry, give myself a break for sometime and think about the consequences of my actions,” I told him.
Lionel was staring at me intently.
“I won’t stand in your way if this is affecting you so badly. I just want you to know that if you ever want to return, my office will always be open to you. I look forward to the opportunity of working with you again, Margo,” he said.
I stood up from my chair and extended my hand to him, but he pulled me in and gave me a tight hug.
“Thank you for everything you’ve done for me, Lionel. You’ve been the best mentor and guiding light I could have asked for in this industry,” I told him.
Lionel smiled weakly at me as I tried not to cry. This was the end of so many years of hard work, and I knew I was disappointing him. He had such high hopes for me.
“Take care of yourself, Margo, and keep in touch,” he said.
“You too and I will,” I replied and then I left his office.
I tried to keep my head high and control myself from tearing up as I rushed out of the office building. This could possibly be the last time I would ever step into this place. It made me sad. I’d worked so hard for it. I had achieved a lot in a short period of time, and now I was willingly giving it up. I couldn’t bear the thought of never returning here again.
Outside the offices, I felt lost. I felt like I didn’t have a
purpose in my life. I wasn’t lying to Lionel when I told him that I had no plans. I had no idea what I was going to do next.
The first thought that came to mind now was to go see Isaac.
I arrived at Harvard and headed straight for the English Department. I wasn’t even sure if Isaac would be there. All I knew was that I needed to speak to him. It felt like he was the only one I could really talk to.
I wasn’t sure what our relationship was or where we were headed. Neither of us had spoken about it, and from what I knew and could sense about Isaac, he wasn’t a serious sort of guy. As far as I could guess, this was a purely sexual relationship. I had hoped that it was more. We seemed to share an intense connection. I felt something when I was with him that I had never felt before. It felt like love. I loved who he seemed to be deep down. After our conversations together I learned about how he helps the community and cares about people. I also could see that he was gentle and caring in the way that he took care of me. As far as I knew, however, he might just think that we had fun together and we were good in bed, and nothing more. Nonetheless, I still wanted to see him. Whatever I would do next, and chances were that I’d leave Boston, I still wanted to see him first. I felt like he would want to know.
I didn’t know what to expect, and I didn’t know what I was going to tell him. I just needed him to know that I was making some radical changes in my life.
I walked into the building and proceeded to take the stairs up to his lecture hall. I was nervous to see him again. I was worried that he might think that this was an invasion of his privacy. Either way, it didn’t matter now that I was here already.
At the end of the hallway, I sucked in my gut and started walking towards his classroom. About halfway there, I noticed that he was standing outside the room, talking to someone else.
She looked like a pretty young thing. She had long blond hair, a small waist, and endlessly long legs. She seemed young enough to be his student, and she probably was, but she didn’t have any books in her hands.
I stopped in my tracks, too self-conscious to interrupt their conversation. Neither of them had seen me, and it was a pretty busy hallway. I could see their heads bent together, they were buried deep in what looked like a serious conversation.
Isaac seemed calm, but the girl looked like she was angry about something.
My heart was racing in my chest as I watched them. The girl flung her hair over her shoulder from time to time and even touched his arm. There was privacy in their conversation. They knew each other well, better than just a professor and student relationship.
The realization hit me that they were sleeping together. I had suspected that Isaac had relationships with his students, but I had put that to the back of my mind till now. When I saw the girl in front of me, I was angry and sad and embarrassed.
What was I doing here?!
Did I really think that sleeping with a man like Isaac twice was enough for us to form a special bond? He seemed to have more a relationship with this girl than he could ever have with me!
I couldn’t watch them anymore. It was making me feel sick. I whipped away from them and started hurrying down the hallway. What was I thinking? Once again, I had behaved ridiculously. Once again, Isaac had managed to embarrass me.
The time we had spent together meant nothing to him. I should have known that all along. I was just another face in the long line of women and girls who were dying to sleep with him. Isaac was untouchable, and for one brief moment, I thought that I could have him. The reality was that I had misjudged everything about my life.
Chapter 15
Isaac
Three weeks later
I was supposed to meet my friends for drinks. Vince was back from his travels, and the others were meeting up at our usual bar. I couldn’t go because I wasn’t in the mood.
In fact, I hadn’t really been in the mood to do anything for the past three weeks since Margo disappeared.
Her report had been published in The Boston Herald, a few days after she spent the night at my place. Harvard was buzzing with the article because all off the professors who were interviewed were portrayed in an excellent light. It seemed like Margo had gone out of her way to write good things about me. She painted a noble image of me, and I was flattered when I read the words.
I hadn’t heard from her since that morning after breakfast. I figured that she needed space and some time to concentrate on her work. Once I read the article, however, my first instinct was to call her.
When I did, I found that her number was unavailable. When I tried again, a recorded voice told me that her number was disconnected. I was confused. Just a few days before, everything seemed fine and now it looked like she had fallen off of the Earth.
I called her newspaper offices which was when I found out that Margo had quit her job. They couldn’t give me any information on her whereabouts or how I could contact her. I cursed myself for not knowing where she lived. Now I had no way of getting in touch with her.
I spent days scouring the internet. The email addresses I found, were no longer in use. All my emails bounced back. She had no presence on social media anymore, and I still couldn’t get a hold of her address.
I didn’t understand it. I didn't know why she would suddenly ghost me like this. Had I said or done anything to offend her? That morning I was convinced we had a real connection and I thought that she felt it too. I was considering discussing a relationship with her. I was going to take the first step and confess that I had feelings for her. Now she was nowhere to be found.
I spent three weeks searching for her and focusing all my energy on locating Margo. I barely made it to my classes anymore because I spend all night researching. I missed calls and texts, and emails from everyone, including my best friends and everyone got a whiff that something was wrong. I just couldn’t admit the truth to anybody. I didn't want to tell anyone that a woman had fucked me up.
My interest in women had faded too. The last time I spoke to Clarissa was when she came to see me at Harvard, shortly after the last time I saw Margo.
Clarissa was angry. We had an argument, right out there in the busy hallway of my departmental building. I didn’t care anymore about the scene she was causing. I was determined to make it clear to her that she couldn’t threaten me. I told her I had feelings for someone else and I couldn’t be with her.
Clarissa fought and cried and threw a fit, but eventually, when she realized that I was sincere about my feelings for someone else, she had no other choice but to give up.
In the past three weeks I had barely been out, and now I realized that I didn't even look at another woman.
I was pacing around in my apartment now, cradling a glass of whiskey in my hand and trying to come up with new ways of tracking down Margo. When my phone rang, I saw that it was Cliff calling.
“Isaac, man, where are you?” he shouted into the phone over the noise of the bar in the background.
“I can’t make it tonight. Something’s come up,” I lied to him and took a long sip of my drink.
“Something’s always been coming up with you these last few weeks. You okay, man?” Cliff asked.
I toyed with the idea of telling him, but I knew he wouldn’t understand. Cliff had never been in a relationship, nothing serious anyway. I had never seen him tortured or upset about a woman. How could he possibly put himself in my shoes?
I could have spoken to Sawyer about it, but he was too involved with his upcoming wedding now, and I didn’t want to bring him down with my troubles.
“Yeah, just been busy with work, man,” I told Cliff. He didn’t seem to buy it, but he decided to let it go.
“Whatever. Anyway, we’ve been discussing our plans for the trip. You do remember, right? Sawyer’s wedding is in five days, Isaac. You better have your calendar empty for it,” Cliff reminded me.
“Yeah, of course. I’ll be there. I won’t miss it, of course!” I replied.
“You don’t sound super confident to me
, man. You sure you’re okay? You want us to come over to your place?”
“No! No. I’m not at home. I’m at work. I just have an important presentation coming up, and I’m trying to get it done,” I told him.
We ended the call, and I knew Cliff was going to tell the others there was something wrong with me. How long was I going to keep this up? Sooner or later the others were going to find out that I was upset over a woman. What would happen to my reputation then?
Either way, I couldn’t miss Sawyer’s wedding. In five days I was going to be in the Bahamas. I felt desperate to find Margo before then. I knew I wouldn’t be at peace, or be entirely happy for Sawyer if Margo was still missing from my life. Wherever she was hiding, it was time for her to come out. I needed some answers and fast.
Chapter 16
Margo
I was back in Amherst, the town I’d grown up in. I was living with my mother who was more than happy to have me at home. After the death of my father, mom had fallen into a depression, and while I traveled around the world and tried to build a career, mom got more and more lonely.
After I quit my job in Boston, the decision to move back home was an easy one. Mom needed me, and I needed some peace and quiet. I had ignored my responsibility of looking after her for too long, and now, with my tail between my legs, I scurried back to her.
Surprisingly, my mother was more understanding of my situation than I expected her to be. She listened to my story. I told her everything. I told her about William and the fiasco in South Africa, and about Lionel and how I ruined my career, and then about Isaac too. I thought she would burst into tears, insult me and scream at me for falling for a man’s charms.
Instead, mom had nodded her head, and even though there were tears in her eyes, she reached for me and hugged me tightly. She told me that she understood that I made mistakes, but I was home now, and everything was going to be all right. We both cried. I cried because I was miserable and had no real hope for the future. Mom cried because she missed dad and because she was sad that I was unhappy.
