A Heart Reborn

by BK Harrell

  “How is your sister doing in Atlanta?”

  “Sissy’s doing well. I exchanged emails with her this morning. She’s been holding down the fort for her boss. He’s been on a sabbatical trying to find himself and ease his pain. She’s beginning to wonder if he’ll ever make it back.”

  “That sucks having to deal with other people’s issues; I’m glad she’s doing well. I assume she’s still running the office and keeping everybody in line?”

  “Yes, she’s cracking the whip and making sure everything runs smoothly.” April said with a smirk. “One day she’ll probably be in charge of the whole damn place.”

  Cole continued eating and listening to April. He couldn’t help but think about the bond he had forged with Jennifer and hoped that when he married April she would want him to adopt her also. She’d had a hard life given the fact that her father died from leukemia when she was three, but April had done a great job raising her by herself, but Cole wanted to help her so that she no longer had to carry all of the burdens of parenthood by herself.

  “Cole. Cole!”

  Cole looked up, “What?”

  “Are you okay? You had this blank look on your face and seemed to be lost to the world.”

  “I was just thinking about Jennifer and what an exceptional young woman she is. How is she holding up?”

  “She’s doing fine. She’s going to spend a few weeks with Sissy in Atlanta next week and then she’s off to golf camp for three weeks. She’s been going to the same place for the last few years and really enjoys it, I usually miss her, but this year I’m relieved that she’ll have some place to go.”

  Cole finished off his pizza and took April’s hand in his. He knew he couldn’t wait any longer. He had to know if April wanted to spend the rest of her life with him. Even though he was 35 years old and this was the first time he had ever been in love, he knew this was right and he couldn’t imagine his life without her and Jennifer in it for the rest of his days. Looking into her eyes Cole said, “April, we’ve been together for almost two years now. I feel like you and I and Jennifer have created a great life together. You’re the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about before I go to sleep. The time we’ve been here has been extremely difficult because I long to touch you and have you sleep next to me. I realize that you may think this is strange, and it wasn’t how I intended to do this but I love you and can’t imagine spending my life without you and Jennifer. I know that I don’t have a ring but will you marry me?”

  April was so shocked by Cole’s statement, the first reaction she had was for tears to well up and stream down her face. She had difficulty catching her breath and couldn’t speak. When she finally found her words, she looked into Cole’s eyes and said, “I can’t imagine my life without you. I know that you’ll make a wonderful husband and excellent father. So, my answer is…”

  April’s answer was interrupted by the sound of their trauma pagers going off and an announcement over the 1-MC overhead speaker for all trauma staff to report to the hospital to receive incoming patients. Because of the seriousness of the discussion, it took April a minute to realize Cole was pulling her up and taking off towards the hospital, but she stopped short and pulled Cole back. “Wait for a second. I didn’t get to answer your question. The answer is YES! CDR Ryan I’d love to marry you.”

  Cole grabbed April, kissing her in the middle of the British compound for all the world to see. They took off to the hospital to receive the incoming wounded soldiers. Just as they arrived, the Blackhawks touched down with multiple patients injured in an Improvised Explosive Device (IED) attack.

  “CDR Ryan, we have six incoming patients. Two critical, two expectant and two routine. You and LCDR Bowles will be in Operating Room (OR) 1. The patient has multiple injuries including a complete amputation of the right leg and multiple abdominal traumas. The right leg bleeding is controlled, but they radioed in from the chopper with concerns over the inability to control the abdominal hemorrhaging.” Said Staff Sargent (SSgt) Ramirez.

  “Thank you, SSgt.” Cole said as he walked toward the changing rooms. “April, we have a very critical patient. Make sure we have six units of O-negative blood and the rapid infuser set up. He’s already received two Liters of lactated ringers and five-hundred ml of Hespan. This is going to be messy, and we may not have a lot of time to explore the wound. We’ll need to find the bleeders and stop them quickly before we can explore more thoroughly.”

  “Okay boss. You give the orders, and we’ll do everything we can to save this guy, but it sounds like he may be too far gone to save.”

  Cole scrubbed in and stood in the operating room waiting for the patient to arrive. He looked over at his now fiancé and thought about the love he felt for her as her stared into her blue eyes and saw that lock of hair escaping her surgical cap.

  “All right team. Everybody ready? Anesthesia, scrub nurses, surgical techs?”

  Everyone signaled ready as the patient was wheeled into the OR. Cole quickly assessed the situation, noting where he needed to begin and what the most pressing priority was. “Okay everyone. The leg is as stable as it is going to get. The blood loss has stopped and he is going to need a femur revision after we amputate. We’ll leave that to the orthopedic guys in Landstuhl. The abdomen is a mess. I see three open wounds and a lot of blood. Someone get suction in here and hand me a 10 blade.” Cole made an incision down the midline and retracted the skin. Adding multiple lap pads, he was able to see the major bleeding area. He had a lacerated spleen, mesenteric artery and a liver laceration. After clamping the splenic artery and the mesenteric artery, he moved onto the liver laceration. “Three-oh vicryl and four-oh prolene ties.”

  Cole ran the OR with the precision of a master surgeon. He was in charge but never afraid to take a suggestion from those he worked with. Cole loved the OR because he liked being in charge, but times like this were stressful and unlike his day job where he rarely worried about a patient dying in surgery, he knew that the slightest delay in treatment could easily cost the patient their life. Cole was in the process of removing the spleen when the air raid siren started going off. Cole looked around and was instantly fitted with his flak jacket while he continued working on the patient. “Everyone out now!” Cole shouted. “Go to the bunkers and report in. Now!”

  Everyone left the room except April. “I’m not leaving you alone Cole. You can’t do all of this by yourself. Someone has to help you out. I don’t care that you’re my superior. I won’t leave.” April said donning her flak jacket. She had barely returned to the table when the first mortars started falling around them.

  “Get out now April. I love you but I won’t risk you to save this guy’s life.”

  Before she could respond an earth-shattering explosion occurred throwing Cole and April to the ground. Cole was stunned but he crawled around the table, finding April on the ground bleeding. He looked up on the table and realized the patient had been hit in the chest and head from the shrapnel and had been killed. Turning his attention back to April he turned her over and saw that she was bleeding profusely from a neck wound. Holding her in his arms he applied pressure the wound but he knew there was nothing that could be done.

  April knew what was about to happen. She had very little time left and with tears in her eyes and barely able to speak she looked into Cole’s eyes and said, “I… I love you. Next to Jennifer you were the best thing that ever-happened t-to me. Please tell Jennifer I love her, and I-I am sorry I wo-w-won’t be coming home. Oh…look at that beautiful cardinal.” April said with her last breath collapsing in Cole’s blood soaked arms.

  Cole pressed his lips to April’s saying, “I love you. I don’t know how I’ll be able to go on without you. You can’t die on me dammit. I have a lot of plans for us.” Cole sat there, looking into April’s lifeless eyes and began to cry. Forty-minutes later the hospital CO found Cole holding April’s lifeless body and crying.

  “CDR Ryan.” Lieutenant Colonel (LtCo
l) “Hutch” Hutchinson said, “Son, we need to take her now. I’m so sorry. I know you loved her, but there was nothing you could’ve done to save her.”

  Cole looked up with tears still streaming down his face, “I can’t let her go sir. She just told me she would marry me and she was my whole world. Now I have nothing.” Cole watched as they took April’s body away and felt like his heart had been ripped out of chest; he couldn’t breathe.

  “Cole, I’m taking you off the schedule for the next week. I want you to see the chaplain and try to get some rest. If you need anything… wait, you’re bleeding. Where did you get hit?” Hutch asked.

  “I don’t know. I never even felt the shrapnel hit me. I guess it’s in my left arm.”

  “Let me look at it. You need to go to the ER and have this taken care of.”

  As Cole sat in the ER, the reality of what had happened hit him like a ton of bricks landing on his chest, constricting his breathing. It finally hit Cole that he was being selfish. How could this happen to Jennifer? How was he going to tell her? What was going to happen to Jennifer? Would he ever see her again? Just as he was getting his breath back, Hutch came walking into the cubicle.

  “We’re sending you to Landstuhl for further treatment. It appears that you severed the biceps tendon. After you’ve recovered, they’ll send you back here and then we’ll get you home.”

  “Fine.” Cole said with less military bearing than he should have afforded his superior. “I need to get something from April’s room first.”

  “Sorry, Cole, we have a C-17 Nightingale leaving in thirty minutes and you will be on that plane, but I could probably arrange from the ambulance to stop by on the way.”

  “Thank you, sir.” Cole said as he tried to stand, but his legs gave out and the world turned black.

  ***

  June 21st 2010

  Atlanta, Georgia

  For some reason, Marcie felt off this morning. She couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong, but other than her absent boss who was still reeling from the death of his wife, everyone else she knew was doing well. She’d even called her niece this morning to talk her since it as was her last day of school. She’d been staying with a family friend until school was out. After their conversation, she felt good about Jennifer and was looking forward to her visit next week. Sitting at her desk, Marcy began organizing her day’s work. This was quite a feat especially given that she had to handle all of Dr. Lincoln Montgomery’s correspondence. “I swear to all that is holy. When I see Lincoln again, I’m going to kick his ass from here to Santo Domingo for this crap. He thinks he’s the only one to suffer because Elizabeth died, but we all loved her and we all have to keep going.” Marcy muttered to herself.

  Dr. Jackson Davis walked up to Marcie’s desk and heard what she was saying. Jackson had come in from Las Vegas to manage the practice while Lincoln was on his drink a-bout sabbatical trying to forget about Elizabeth. “So, you miss him too?”

  “More than you know. Have you heard from him lately?”

  “Not from him, but his friend Rob called me the other day and said Lincoln was holed up in the Dominican Republic at Carlito’s estate. He’s been practicing a little medicine but mostly drinking and smoking his trouble away. Anyway, I hope he’ll come back soon. I’m just worried that he is going to dive so far off the deep end that he can’t come back to us.”

  “I understand. I’m trying to have faith, but it’s been in short supply lately.”

  Jackson was having a difficult time talking to Marcie and keeping up the light banter. Unfortunately, he had a job to do and he couldn’t prolong it any longer even though he knew he wanted to do nothing more than spare her from the pain she was about to feel. “Marcie, I actually came by to tell you that you’re needed in the conference room. So, you need to head on down there.” Jackson walked behind Marcie knowing she was going to need him and everyone else in the practice after the next few minutes.

  Marcie walked down the hall and noticed people looking at her with concern and sadness in their eyes, but she couldn’t understand why. Marcie stepped into the conference room and her world came to an abrupt end as she eyed two Navy officers, including a chaplain, standing in the room waiting on her. Marcie fell to her knees and started crying because she knew what was coming next.

  “Marcie Jennings, it is with great regret that we inform you that your sister LCDR April Bowles was killed during an attack on Camp Bastion yesterday. It was her wish that you be informed of her death and that you tell her daughter Jennifer. We will provide you with transportation to Virginia and then onto Dover AFB, so that you and her daughter may receive her body and make plans for her burial. I am truly sorry for your loss.” The LCDR said.

  “Ms. Jennings, if you need me or any of my staff, we are always available to you and LCDR Bowles’ daughter. Please don’t hesitate to call. I know that this will be a difficult time for you and LCDR Bowles’ daughter but just remember God has a plan.” The Chaplain said.

  “Jennifer. Her name is JE-JENNIFER. Not LCDR Bowles’ daughter, and what do I tell her is God’s plan? That he took her mother away from her? She already lost her father. What’s she supposed to do now?” Marcie said as she screamed and cried and then started pounding her fist into the chaplain’s chest.

  Jackson put his arms around Marcie and held her as she cried, pulling her back. “It’ll be okay Marcie. We’ll all be here for you. You can take as much time as you need. You know that your job will be here and we’ll support you. I’m going to call George and have him drive you home. I’ll also try to get in touch with Lincoln. I know he’ll want to know what’s happened.”

  Marcie went back to her desk and collected her things before she numbly walked outside to get in the car. She barely remembered getting home and packing. The entire time the only thing she could think about was how much pain Jennifer was about to experience and how their lives were about to change forever.

  Chapter One

  June 20, 2012

  April Meree Bowles

  May 21, 1976- June 20, 2010

  Beloved Mother, Wife and Friend

  LCDR USN

  Cole walked across the lush green, and well-manicured grass at Forest Lawn Cemetery and stood before April’s grave. Two years later he still couldn’t come here without tearing up, thinking about the love he lost and the family he’d been denied. Seeing the cardinal sitting on April’s headstone, Cole could muster a half smile. The bird had appeared shortly after his return two years ago, and was here every time he visited. Since he wasn’t a big believer in coincidence, he had to believe it was April watching over him. She visited him in his dreams, well horrible nightmares that he experienced almost nightly.

  By the time, he returned from Afghanistan, Jennifer had moved to Atlanta, and he’d not been able to contact her other than a few emails. She’d been okay with hearing from him at the beginning, but it became obvious, at least to him, that she equated losing her mom with him. Cole felt like Jennifer blamed him for not being there for her or trying to see her since coming back stateside. Jennifer had asked him to visit her several times, but he couldn’t bring himself to visit.

  Cole held no delusions about his role in April’s death. He felt that he was to blame, and his inability to push to return stateside for the funeral just drove an even deeper wedge. Finally, Cole could admit to himself why he didn’t push to come back. The truth was he just couldn’t stand to see April in a cold box. He hated his continuous stream of excuses to Jennifer, but she didn’t need a reminder of his failures. The other problem was that whenever he looked at Jennifer he saw April because they looked so much alike.

  Sitting down on the marble bench he had installed, Cole looked at the headstone and shook his head. “I’m sorry, April, that I failed to protect you and couldn’t save you. I should’ve been the one who died that day. At least if it had been me, I would’ve been missed, but I wouldn’t have left a child behind. These last two years have been hell on earth for me.
I was so pissed that I couldn’t be here for Jennifer when they brought you home, but you know how the Navy works, and they wouldn’t allow me to leave the hospital. They don’t give a shit about your needs or desires. I look back on that day and I should’ve physically removed you from that operating room, but my heart tells me that no matter what I did, I couldn’t have saved you. I don’t think that I’ll ever be able to love again. I have this huge whole in my chest where my heart used to be. I feel like all I do is go through the motions of the day. I don’t get any joy from teaching anymore and I’m still so angry at the powers that be that sent us over there again and again. It may be time for me to get out, but supposedly I’m going to pick up Captain (CAPT) and take over the residency program. I have a meeting in the morning and I hope to get the good news. Anyway, I love you and will always love you.”

  Cole stood up after placing the fresh flowers on her grave and walked away with a heavy heart. Hoping that tomorrow would bring the news he deserved didn’t seem to cheer him up any nor did it make life much better, but at least if he could get control over the residency program he could bring in more men and groom them to take over. The program had suffered in the last few years as the current program director and intern director wanted to continually bring in all female classes that had been fraught with numerous problems including drop outs, pregnancies and board failures. No use thinking about it today. I can’t change anything until I am in charge anyway.

  The next day Cole went into work with a heavier heart than usual; it was the two-year anniversary of April’s death. After rounds and morning report, Cole settled into his usual routine of teaching and patient care. Thankfully all his patients’ pre-ops were completed and the patients ready to go for the next day. Cole sat at his desk absently fingering the resignation from active duty letter that he always kept on hand. Since his last deployment, Cole kept the letter nearby needing only a date and signature. He’d even gone so far to not take any additional bonuses just so that he wouldn’t have any additional payback to Uncle Sam. Maybe this is the right thing to do. I either need to get out or at least move to another area. Everywhere I go, whether it’s the OR, the cafeteria or the library, this place reminds me of April and what I lost. I think it’s time for a change. Before Cole could contemplate his life any further, his phone rang and his department head was ready for their meeting. Cole walked down the hall to see CAPT Peach. However, when he entered the office he had a sudden feeling he wasn’t going to like the outcome of this meeting.