A Little Ray Of Sunshine

by Lani Diane Rich

  --Lilly Lorraine, in a letter to Danny Greene, undated

  Sixteen

  Mom met us at the front door of the courthouse and shuffled Jess and me into the women’s bathroom, which had a vanity area for the brides who didn’t think a courthouse wedding precluded a full tour of hair and makeup.

  “Are you sure you can have both a maid of honor and a bridesmaid for this thing?” I asked as Mom zipped me up. “I mean, don’t they limit the pomp and circumstance in places like this?”

  Mom laughed. “It is limited, honey. Danny has Luke and Digs standing up with him at the podium. Jess will walk down the aisle, then you, and then me, nice and quick, none of that stutter-walking. Then the judge will marry us, and we’ll go back to the house and celebrate.” She reached for the garment bag on the hook. “Now, Jess will you help me get into this while Emmy does her makeup?”

  Jess grinned. “You bet.”

  I sat down on the overstuffed vanity stool, opened the makeup bag Mom had coordinated for me, and fished through it for the foundation. “So, where’s Claire going to be for all this?”

  Jess cleared her throat, and Mom said, “Oh, I don’t know. Sitting in the front row, I guess. Now be careful with this part,” she instructed Jess, “the zipper always catches at this part of the bag, I don’t know why.”

  I listened as they wrestled with the garment bag, trying to pay attention to my makeup and forget about Claire. Jess was right; I had no legs to stand on with this Claire thing. If Luke was happy, then that was what mattered. Still...

  “So, what is she, some sort of brain—” I said as I twirled on the stool, but stopped when I saw my mother.

  The dress was amazing. It was ivory satin, sleeveless, with a Sabrina neckline and an accent band of blue-gray silk just below the breast line. The bodice hugged her waist, and then the skirt flared out, stopping just below her knees. Mom twirled a bit from side to side, then looked at me nervously.

  “It’s an Eloise Curtis from the fifties. Is it too much? I know it’s probably a bit young for me, but—”

  “Oh, my God,” I said, getting up from the vanity stool. “It’s perfect. You look beautiful. Has Danny seen it yet? Because if he didn’t have a heart attack the other day, he will when he sees you in this. Do we have a doctor standing by?”

  “Just Claire,” Jess said quietly, one side of her mouth twitching up. I narrowed my eyes and stuck my tongue out at her. Mom looked back and forth from me to Jess, a lightly confused smile on her face, and then she waved a hand in the air.

  “Oh, stop. Claire’s not a doctor, and Danny won’t need one. He’s seen me in it, and he did just fine.” She glanced up at the clock on the wall and gasped. “Oh, we’d better finish up. I can’t be late!”

  “Right,” I said, sitting back down at the vanity counter. “A girl only gets married for the last time once.”

  Mom opened her mouth, then took a moment, as if making sure the comment wasn’t barbed. Finally, she smiled. “Why thank you, Emmy. That’s nice.”

  “What can I say?” I said as I searched through my makeup bag for my lipstick. “I’m a nice girl.”

  Jess led the way, walking slowly with her head held high to the organ music coming from a boom box next to the podium. I followed her, trying to concentrate on keeping my posture straight, but my concentration was shot as soon as I caught sight of the guys. First was Danny, all round and happy in his classic gray suit. His eyes were locked on my mother, as if nothing else in the world existed besides the two of them. I smiled and swallowed against the knot in my throat. Seeing Danny that happy was one of the most gratifying experiences I’d ever have. Next, my eyes drifted to Digs, the oldest son and best man, who had cleaned up quite nicely in a gray suit matching Danny’s.

  And then, behind Digs, there was Luke. I was about halfway to the podium when my eyes met his and I held on to the gaze, knowing he would look away soon and the moment would be gone. Except he didn’t look away, just kept his eyes on mine and we stared each other down in this weirdly affectionate game of chicken. Considering that I’d abandoned him the day after he’d asked me to marry him, you would think that a moment like this would have been horrifying for both of us, but it wasn’t. We smiled at each other easily, comfortably, the way we used to. The closer I got to the podium, the wider my smile grew, and the brighter his eyes got. I wasn’t under any delusions that things were all better between us, but I was really proud of both of us for letting the day be about Danny and Mom, and being able to forget all our crap long enough to give them their happy day.

  I was just pondering how grown-up both Luke and I had become when my big toe hit a chair and I yelled out, “Shit!” and grabbed my toe. Mom came up behind me and grabbed my askew elbow as I said, “Sorry, sorry,” and then met the eye of the woman sitting in the chair.

  “Claire!” I squealed when I saw her. “Oh my God!”

  I bent over and hugged with great affection the old lady with the regrettable black wig who had been Danny’s secretary since roughly the beginning of time. I flashed back to all the times she used to sneak us hard candies from her desk drawer when we were kids, and then remembered her retirement party, which had been about a year before I’d run off from Fletcher. “I can’t believe it’s you!”

  “Yes, honey,” Mom said from my other side, tugging at my arm. “I told you she’d be here.”

  “Oh! Right!” I stood up and looked to the judge. “Sorry.” Then to my mother. “Sorry.”

  Mom smiled and took her place next to Danny. The judge started in on his “we are all gathered here” stuff, and I stared down into my simple two-orchid bouquet, sure my cheeks had to be flaming. From behind me, I felt Jess give my upper arm a light pinch, and I shot her a smile and an I’m such a doofus eye roll. Then, when I turned back around, my eyes landed on Luke, who was trying to hide his laughter in a cough as he stood behind Digs. His eyes met mine and we smiled amiably at each other for a few moments, and then something shifted between us. Our smiles faded. It wasn’t that we were angry, at least I wasn’t and I didn’t think he was, either. It was more like we had both just banged up against the thick glass wall that remained between us. The judge talked and I don’t know that either of us heard a word he said, our attentions were so locked on each other. After a minute or so, I took in a deep breath and forced a bright smile. This was my mother’s day, and I wasn’t going to ruin it by brooding over things I’d broken. Luke smiled, too, and we both looked away just in time to see Mom and Danny be officially pronounced husband and wife.

  My mother was a big, fat liar with her “oh, maybe seventy-five” people thing. There were easily a hundred and fifty revelers at the reception, spilling off from the huge back deck to the lawn beyond, crowding the parquet dance floor the party planners had set up. Two open bars flanked either side of the deck, and Japanese lanterns bathed the backyard in spheres of colored light. Waiters in tuxes wandered the premises bearing trays of hors d'oeuvres and champagne, and by the time the sky turned dusky, I was feeling great enough to head over to the fringe table where Luke kept company with Claire. His hot date.

  I sat down next to her, kissing her cheek as I did. Claire had always been kind to me when I was younger, and I was ashamed that I had forgotten her enough to make all the wrong connections when Luke had mentioned her.

  “Luke,” I said, “Mom and Danny are going to do their dance soon, and she wanted to talk to you about something.”

  “Okay.” He turned to Claire. “Can I get you anything while I’m up? Another Shirley Temple?”

  Claire shook her head. “Don’t you worry about me. Your girl and I will just sit and chat for a bit.”

  I blinked and opened my mouth to correct her; it hadn’t occurred to me that she wouldn’t know everything that happened over the past few years, but I guessed no one had seen fit to bother an old lady with those kinds of details.

  “Great,” Luke said, giving me a brief nod. Just play along. It’s easier. “I’ll be back in a few min
utes.”

  I smiled, then turned to Claire. “It’s so good to see you again.”

  “Oh, you, too, dear.” She reached over and patted my hand. “So tell me, what have you been doing with yourself? I don’t think I’ve seen you since my retirement party.”

  “Well,” I said slowly, playing absently with the stem of my champagne glass. “I’ve been, uh, traveling. You know. Seeing the world, pissing my twenties away...”

  She chuckled and nodded toward the edge of the dance floor, where Luke stood talking with Mom. “I would ask you when you’re going to make an honest man of our boy there, but I don’t like to pry.”

  She winked and we laughed together. I wondered if there was a way to answer that question while being both polite and truthful. Finally I took a deep breath and said, “If I ever get the chance, you can bet I’ll take it.”

  “Mom?”

  I turned and saw a heavyset balding man standing on my other side.

  “Oh, Bobby,” Claire said. “Is it seven thirty already?”

  Bobby. I tried to withhold my shock. The last time I’d seen Claire’s son Bobby, he’d had hair.

  “Hey, Bobby,” I said, getting up to give him access to his mother. “How are you?”

  He gave me a polite smile as he reached to help Claire up from her seat. “Great. And you?”

  He had no idea who I was. Just as well. “Great, thanks. Claire, do you want me to get Luke so you can say good-bye?”

  “Oh, no,” she said. “I’m getting tired and Bobby’s in a bit of a rush tonight. Would you say goodbye to everyone for me? And give all my best wishes to Danny and your Mom?”

  “You bet.” I gave her a brief kiss goodbye and watched her go until she and Bobby were out of sight. Someone touched my elbow, and I turned to see Jess.

  “It’s about time I found you!” She pulled me by the elbow toward the dance floor. “They’re going to start the dance. First, it’s going to be your mom and Danny, then best man and maid of honor, and then me and Luke.”

  “Oh,” I said, hurrying down with her. “Okay.”

  We got to the edge of the dance floor just as the band was announcing Mom and Danny. They started in on the song - “You Belong to Me” - and Mom and Danny floated out to the floor amidst the cheers of the crowd. Digs settled in next to me and pointed to a petite woman with a headset standing by the corner of the dance floor, next to the band platform.

  “See that woman?” he said in my ear. “Her name is Harriet. When she gives us the signal, we need to hotfoot it onto the floor, or her head will explode. Literally explode. That’s what she told me.”

  “Oooh, that might be fun to see,” I said, but the woman gave Digs a commanding wave, and he dutifully led me out to the dance floor. We claimed our spot to the left of Mom and Danny, and Luke and Jess moved into space on their other side.

  “I’m glad we have a moment to talk,” I said to Digs. “I want to talk to you about something.”

  “Oh, yeah?” he asked, his eyes drifting over the dance floor behind me. “What’s that?”

  “What are your intentions with my angel?”

  His eyes shot back to me. “What?”

  “Look, Digs, I love you, but you’re about the worst bet any girl can make. And Jess... she’s... I don’t know. I think she’s a little fragile. I just don’t want you doing anything stupid.”

  His smile faded. “Like what? Like agreeing to marry her and then disappearing in the middle of the night?”

  I stiffened in his arms. “Boy, that clean slate sure lasted a long time.”

  He looked at me, then sighed. “You’re right. Do-over?”

  I rolled my eyes. “Fine. Do-over.”

  “Okay.” He twirled me out and pulled me back. “Here’s the thing. I like Jess. And I think she likes me. She’s leaving for New Jersey on Monday, anyway. How much damage could I possibly do?”

  “I don’t know. I’ve just seen what happens to girls when they get around you, Digs. They get alls mitten and stupid, and then you break their hearts. It’s not pretty, and I don’t want it to happen to Jess.”

  “Look,” he said. “I’ll handle her with care, okay? But...” A slow smile drifted over his face and my mouth dropped open as understanding washed over me.

  “Oh, my God,” I said. “She got to you. Did she get to you?”

  He rolled his eyes, and then out of the corner of my eye, Harriet of the Exploding Head waved her hand again. Before I could ask what was going on, Danny came over and tapped Digs on the shoulder.

  “Time to cut in,” he said. “You go grab Jess before Harriet comes after you with an AK-47.”

  Digs kissed me on the cheek. “Duty calls.”

  “I know where you live!” I called out after him, then settled into Danny’s arms. “Wow, I didn’t know we’d be switching partners. How long is this song, anyway?”

  “They’re doing a special extended version just for this,” Danny said. “Harriet thought it would be nice to have us all dance together. New family bonding. Something like that.”

  “It’s nice.” I pushed up on my tiptoes and kissed him on the cheek. “Congratulations, Mr. Married Guy.”

  “Thank you.” He curled my hand into his chest and giving my fingers a quick peck. “It’s a wonderful day. I have a beautiful new wife, and a lovely new daughter.”

  “Well, you’ve always been the closest thing I ever had to a dad. It’s about time we made it official, I guess.”

  Danny winked over my shoulder, and I glanced to find him sharing a look with Mom, who smiled at me. I gave a little wave.

  “So,” Danny said, and I turned my attention back to him. “Your mom and I are getting on that plane tomorrow, and you’ll be going to Colorado Springs soon, I guess?”

  I nodded. “First thing Monday morning.”

  He cleared his throat. “You’ll keep in touch this time. That’s not a request.”

  “I’ll keep in touch.” And just like that, my eyes filled with tears. “Damnit. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’ve been a crybaby all day.”

  He reached up and swiped away a tear that had escaped down my cheek. “It’s okay, EJ.”

  “No.” I rolled my eyes to distribute the tears, then smiled at him. “It’s not okay. I know that what I did really hurt you, and I’m so sorry about that. You’ve never been anything but wonderful to me, and I didn’t mean to—”

  “Nonsense,” he interrupted, squeezing my hand. “That’s the past. I’m not mad at you. But your mother’s happiness is my responsibility now, and neither one of us are going to be happy if you just up and disappear again. So I’m telling you right now. You can go where ever you want, but you will come back.”

  I sniffled and did my best to smile. “I’ll come back.”

  “You’ll call. And you’ll write.”

  Unable to speak, I nodded. Danny kissed me on the cheek and whispered in my ear, “I couldn’t love you more if you were mine. You know that, right?”

  I nodded again. And then, Luke was there, tapping Danny on the shoulder at the dutiful call of the wedding planner. Danny moved on to Jess, and Luke put his arm around my waist, and took my right hand in his. I was overwhelmed with a thousand whirling emotions I couldn’t track, and having Luke’s arm around my waist was just about the cruelest trick Fate could have possibly played on me at that moment. I knew I’d break down if I looked at him, or tried to speak, so I simply stared at his tie, willing my wild emotions to tamp themselves back down.

  “Hey,” he said after a moment, “you okay?”

  “Yeah,” I said. “I’m fine.”

  “Then look at me.”

  Oh, God. “I can’t.”

  “Then you’re not fine.”

  “Luke...”

  “Look at me.”

  “No.”

  “Am I going to have to throw you over my shoulder again?”

  “Damnit, Luke.”

  “I’ll do it. Don’t think I won’t.”

  I k
new he would. So I pulled together every bit of strength I had left and forced myself to meet his eye. He stared down at me, and I up at him, and it was like everything else in the world stopped. Our dancing slowed until we ceased movement altogether. His arm tightened around my waist, and our clasped hands curled in between us as the strength to hold them out seeped away from us. My heart began to ache on every beat, and his face looked as pained and conflicted as I felt.

  A fast rock beat slammed into us, making my body jolt with the shock of it, and people flooded onto the dance floor. Keeping his hand tight on mine, Luke led me away, down the slope of the backyard, out to the dirt path that circled the lake. We were quiet as we walked, hand in hand, until the cover of the trees obscured the sight if not the sound of the party. A minute later, he stopped and turned to me. It was too dark for me to read his expression, but I knew exactly what he was feeling, because I was right there with him. Being together was so natural for us that it was a constant fight to keep ourselves separated, yet the very idea of opening that door again, of battering down the glass wall between us, was so terrifying on so many levels that we just stood there, fingers entwined, barely breathing.

  It felt like an eternity that we were frozen there, unwilling to move closer and unable to walk away. Then Luke slowly raised his free hand and touched my face. His breathing was rough and I could tell that this was hard on him. I didn’t know what to do to make it easier. Kiss him? Run away? Both seemed equally selfish, so I went with a theme, and shifted closer to him. His fingers extended into my hair and I tilted my face upward. He released my hand and reached up until both of his hands were cradling my face. I kept my arms at my side, afraid that the feel of him under my fingers would send me over the edge, but I stepped in closer until I was as close as I could get without our bodies touching. I could feel his breath, a sweet mix of champagne and heat, on my face as he lowered his face closer to mine, and then, finally, kissed me. The feel of him, the taste of him, overwhelmed my senses and I grasped for him, my hands sliding up his chest to his face, his hair, my fingertips drinking in as much of him as they could while the glorious moment lasted.