A Little Ray Of Sunshine

by Lani Diane Rich

  I was really proud of myself. I didn’t start crying until I was halfway home.

  A breakdown is the one thing other people can always see coming. Yet, the person who has it is always surprised. At least, I know I was.

  —Lilly Lorraine, in a letter to Danny Greene, undated

  Eighteen

  I had hoped that at six forty-five in the morning, my walk of shame wouldn’t have witnesses, but as I gently clicked the front door shut behind me, I turned to see Mom standing behind me.

  “Oh!” I said, putting my hand to my chest. “Jeez, Mom, you scared me. What are you doing up so early? I thought you didn’t need to leave for the airport until ten.”

  She put one hand on my shoulder, and I could see how tired she was. Her eyes were sad, and my entire body tightened in alarm.

  “What is it? What happened?” I grasped at her hand. “Is it Danny? Is he okay?”

  “Danny’s fine, sweetheart. Come into the kitchen. We can talk there.”

  She led the way down the hall, and when I came into the kitchen, I saw Danny and Digs sitting at the breakfast bar, each of them staring down into a mug of coffee. Digs looked a mess. He was still wearing his suit from the wedding, although with the tie loose and the collar unbuttoned. He shook his head when he saw me.

  “Where were you?” he said. “We tried calling you on your cell phone, but it went to voice mail.”

  “And Luke’s phone I guess was shut off,” Mom said, a simple statement, not commentary. I hadn’t noticed anything about Luke’s phone, but considering how badly he didn’t want to hear from me last night, that would have made sense.

  “What happened?” I looked around from one face to the other, noting which one was missing. “Where’s Jess?”

  “She’s upstairs,” Danny said quietly. “In bed.”

  “Is she okay?” My nerves, already jangled, shrieked for relief. “Will somebody kindly tell me what the fuck is going on?”

  Mom exchanged a look with Danny, then started down the hallway. I glanced at Danny and Digs and then followed her, all the way up the stairs to the guest bedroom. Before opening the door, she put a hand on my shoulder.

  “If she’s sleeping, don’t wake her. And whatever you do, don’t touch her. It upsets her too much.”

  “Upsets her?” I whispered. “What happened?”

  “We don’t know,” she said, and opened the door.

  The shades were drawn, so even though the sun had fully risen, the room was still dark. In the middle of the bed, Jess lay on her side, on top of the covers with her bridesmaid dress spread out around her like a tremendous deflated balloon. I walked around, pulling a chair up into her line of vision, and sat down. Her eyes were open, if not focused.

  “Hey,” I said softly. She blinked, but otherwise made no response. It was as if I wasn’t even in the room. A chill of panic crept down my spine, and I leaned forward, taking heed of my mother’s advice not to touch her, but wanting to get as close as I could anyway.

  “Jess?” I said. “Hey, sweetheart, are you okay?”

  Stupid question, of course, but, “Are you comatose?” while possibly more appropriate, didn’t seem too kind.

  There was nothing from her. I spoke to her a few more times, each time saying something equally as lame as, “Are you okay?” but got nothing from her. Finally, I gave up and went back downstairs, stomping my way into the kitchen.

  “What happened?” I advanced on Digs. “What did you do to my angel?”

  “I don’t know,” he said, shaking his head. “I kissed her. That’s it, I swear. We were having a nice time, dancing and laughing. She was fine. We went for a little walk, and I kissed her, and she freaked out.”

  “She ran off,” Danny said. “We had search parties out looking for her, and finally someone found her huddled in a ball down by the lake. I picked her up and carried her in.” Danny’s eyes met mine and I could see that he was shaken. “She’s a tiny little thing, but it was a chore, EJ. She kicked and screamed and cried like someone had ripped her heart out on the spot.” He let out a heavy breath. “It was heartbreaking, I’ll tell you. Took your mother the better part of the night to calm her down.”

  I looked at Mom. “Why didn’t you come get me?” I asked quietly.

  She shook her head. “What could you have done?”

  “She could have told me what was wrong!” Digs said. “What the fuck, EJ? You give me this ‘fragile’ talk like maybe she’s a little sensitive. You didn’t tell me she was...” He trailed off, unable to come up with a word to describe Jess’s current state.

  “I didn’t know,” I said. “I mean, there’s something in her past, something she won’t talk about, but I don’t know what it is. That’s why I told you to be careful with her, Digs.”

  “I was careful!” He slammed his fist down on the counter. “I just kissed her. That’s all. She was smiling and happy one second and the next, it was like - boom.”

  “Okay, okay,” Danny said, patting Digs on the shoulder. “Let’s all calm down. This isn’t anyone’s fault. But...” He exchanged a look with Mom. “We need to decide what we’re going to do.”

  I glanced back and forth between them. “What do you mean, what we’re going to do?”

  Digs shot Mom a look; obviously there’d already been some sort of discussion. He pushed back from the breakfast bar and went off to sit on the couch in the den.

  “What? Just tell me. What are you guys thinking?”

  “Well,” Mom said slowly. “Honey, she’s not responding to anyone. She did get up last night to go to the bathroom, which I think is a good sign, but I don’t know if she’ll eat. I think maybe we should call Dr. Travers—”

  “Oh, hell,” I said. “You think she needs a shrink?”

  Mom’s face registered surprise, and she sighed. “I think, honey, she might need a hospital.”

  “What?” I stared at her. “No. No. It’s only been, what, a few hours?”

  “Look,” Danny said, his voice strong and calm and I loved him for it. “Let’s give it a little time. See what happens, okay? Hell, she might even come down in a few minutes asking for a heaping plateful of Lilly’s famous Belgian waffles. Right?”

  Mom and I looked at each other, neither of us hopeful. I sighed and ran my hands over my face. “I don’t want to leave her up there by herself. I’m gonna get cleaned up and go sit with her for a bit, okay?”

  “Okay, sweetheart,” Mom said. “I’ll make some tea and bring it up in a while. I’ve got a really nice lemon green tea. With a little honey, I think it’s very cheerful.”

  I smiled and squeezed her hand. “Thank you.” I turned to head upstairs, then stopped and spun back to face them. “Oh, God. Italy. I was going to drive you to the airport. Maybe, um... can Digs...?”

  Mom shook her head. “We’re postponing the trip.”

  Danny looked a little surprised at this, but I could tell by his expression that he approved. Mom glanced from one of us to the other, then huffed in indignation.

  “Don’t look so shocked,” she said. “This girl brought my daughter back to me. I’m not leaving this house until she’s dancing a jig on the front lawn.” She twirled around and grabbed the tea kettle off the stove, then shooed her hands at me. “Go on and get showered, Emmy. We’ve got work to do.”

  I took the first shift, sitting with Jess for seven hours. Mom brought the tea up, but Jess didn’t even blink when we asked her if she wanted any. I opened the blinds sometime around noon, but she just shifted over to her other side to shield her face from the light. I tried to get her to change out of her dress at one point and made the mistake of touching her on the shoulder. She shrank violently from my touch, and wept inconsolably for an hour straight until she fell asleep. A little after three, Mom came in and told me to go get some rest. She sat down in the chair with a pile of women’s magazines and started reading them out loud, starting with ten tips for a sexier, sassier you.

  I stepped out into the hallway and lea
ned against the wall. I had never been so exhausted in my life. Even though all I’d done all day was sit and watch her, I felt like I’d been pushing a boulder uphill for hours. My muscles were weak and my mind was brittle. I slowly made my way downstairs to the den, where I found Digs sitting on the couch, staring out the sliding glass doors to the deck. He’d gone home, showered and changed clothes, but he still looked as much of a mess as he’d been that morning. He noticed me after a moment, gave me a brief nod, then continued staring. I sat down next to him, and we communed in silence for a while until Digs finally spoke.

  “Did I... did I do this to her?” he asked. “I’ve never forced myself on a woman, ever. And I didn’t force myself on her last night. All I did was kiss her, but I feel like I raped her or something.”

  “Digs, stop.” I shifted over closer and leaned my head on his shoulder. “It’s not you, babe. I don’t know what it is, but something in her was already broken when I met her. If anybody did anything wrong, it’s me. I should have asked her what it was. There were a few times when I could have, but I didn’t.”

  I felt him nod slightly, then he kissed a spot on the top of my head.

  “I’m here for the duration,” he said. “I don’t want to sit up there with her. I don’t want to upset her again. But I’m here. You need anything, just say the word.”

  I smiled and pulled back, patting him on the shoulder. “Where’s Danny?”

  “In the study, I think,” he said.

  I pushed myself up from the couch. “Get some rest. Eat something. You look like shit.”

  He chuckled. “If that ain’t the pot calling the kettle...”

  I let out a weak laugh and started down the hall toward the study. I knocked lightly and poked my head in to find Danny sitting at his desk. He waved me over and I padded in.

  “Hey,” I said.

  “Hey,” he said. “How’s our girl?”

  I shrugged. “Not good.”

  Our eyes met and he nodded. “Well, we’ll just get Lilly cooking and the wonderful smell will bring her out of it. You’ll see.”

  I smiled and felt a strong rush of love for this stout man and his interminable optimism.

  “You hired a detective, right? To find me?”

  Danny leaned back in his chair and nodded.

  “I need him to find her family, or some friends, maybe,” I said. “There has to be some people out there wondering where she is, and they should be the ones making decisions about hospitals and stuff like that. I’ve got money in my savings. I can pay for it.”

  “Stop it,” Danny said, dismissing me with a wave of his hand. He reached for a legal pad and pen and handed it to me. “You write down what you know about her, and I’ll make the call.”

  I took the pad and jotted down everything I knew about Jess, then handed it to Danny. He read it quickly and sighed, then reached for the phone. I pushed myself off the desk and started for the door, the information I’d just written down traveling circles in my head.

  Jess Szyzynski.

  Mid to late 20s.

  Drives a white Toyota.

  I hoped that detective was very good. He’d have to be.

  I was napping when Luke showed up with takeout Chinese food. The smell woke me and I traipsed downstairs to find the three guys eating out of containers in the den. I was so worn out that seeing Luke - sporting jeans, a t-shirt, and beautifully mussed hair - sitting in Danny’s leather La-Z-Boy caused only a subdued jolt to my system. I plunked myself down on the couch between Danny and Digs and reached for a napkin and an egg roll.

  “Any change?” I asked Digs.

  “Lilly’s still up there,” he said. “She tried to get Jess to eat some soup a little earlier, but...” He shook his head, his eyes dull and tired.

  “She hasn’t eaten anything at all?” I asked.

  Danny patted me on my knee. “She took a little water earlier. And if I know women, it’s a small jump from water to cheeseburgers.” He winked at me. “She’ll be better tomorrow, I think.”

  I picked at the egg roll in my hands. “And if she’s not?”

  Danny’s eyes met mine, then darted to Luke. I glanced back and forth at them and knew that some planning and discussion had been going on. I didn’t know what was wrong with Jess, but despite the fact that a hospital seemed at this point like the reasonable, maybe even the responsible, solution, I couldn’t stand the thought. Jess was a person who listened to her internal guides, but they weren’t working right now, so I owed it to her to listen to mine, and they were screaming against the hospital. I didn’t have the energy to argue about it now, though. At the moment, no one was pushing hospitalization. I’d fight that battle when I got to it.

  “I’m gonna go give that detective another call,” Danny said, then got up and headed out to the study.

  “Well,” I said, leaning forward to get up off the couch. “I’m gonna go relieve Mom.”

  “No,” Luke said. “Dad and I are taking the night shift.”

  I stared at him, unable to process what he was saying. “But...” All I could think was, What’s it to you? You hardly even know Jess, but that seemed both ungrateful and insensitive, so I blurted out, “You’ve got work, don’t you?”

  He shrugged. “Nothing that can’t be put off can be handled by the crew in the office.”

  Our eyes locked and after a long, painful moment, he smiled. It was a sad, resigned smile, but I was in no position to be choosy.

  “You eat something and get some rest,” he said, pushing up from the recliner. “Dad and I will wake you guys up if there’s any change.”

  He walked around behind the couch and touched me lightly on the shoulder as he passed by. I reached my fingers up, just grazing his before he moved on down the hallway. I watched him go, then looked back to find Digs watching me with a look of mock-disgust.

  “What?” I said.

  “You do know he’s your stepbrother now, right?” he said, a light smile tracking at the edges of his eyes.

  “No,” I said, pulling a piece of egg roll off and popping it in my mouth. “It doesn’t count. If the children are adults who have already had a relationship before the parents ever got together, it doesn’t count.”

  “Whatever,” he said, digging his fork into his sesame chicken. “You big freak.”

  I laughed and punched him lightly on the leg, and then we fell into exhausted silence and ate.

  It was a horrible day, the day I realized that I wasn’t one of those nurturing, capable mothers who would instinctively know the right thing to do. All I was was a woman who’d had sex, and gotten caught.

  —Lilly Lorraine, in a letter to Danny Greene, undated

  Nineteen

  I woke up at six the next morning, hopped out of bed and shuffled off to check on Jess. Danny was sitting in the easy chair next to her bed, his face turned thoughtfully toward the window. He didn’t seem to notice me until I sat on the arm of the chair next to him.

  “Any change?” I whispered.

  He shook his head. “She slept the whole night through. She might wake up and come out of it soon.”

  For the first time, though, his eyes had lost their typical hopeful glimmer. I glanced at Jess. Her face was deeply shadowed, and though she’d always been tiny, she looked downright small and fragile, like a sick child.

  “My turn,” I said, patting him on the shoulder. “You go get some sleep.”

  “Not yet,” he said. “You get cleaned up, have some breakfast. Your mother is downstairs making you something right now, and she’s going to need you to eat, so you go down and do that. I’ll be fine until you’re ready.”

  I leaned down and kissed him on the top of the head.

  “Thanks, Danny,” I whispered. “You’re the best dad God ever made, you know.”

  He smiled at me, and I pushed off the chair and left the room. A few moments later, I came down into the kitchen to find Mom cooking like a madwoman. There were eggs, bacon, waffles, pancakes, cinnamon ro
lls and, as if that weren’t enough, sausages were sizzling in a pan on the stove. She wiped her hands on her apron when she saw me and poured me a cup of coffee which was ready and waiting for me by the time I made it to the breakfast bar.

  “Expecting company?” I asked, staring at the spread.

  “Cooking soothes me,” she said, turning to grab a plate from the cupboard. “Besides, when Jess comes out of it she’s going to be hungry. Poor thing hasn’t eaten since...”

  She trailed off and our eyes met briefly, then she heaped scrambled eggs and bacon onto the plate.

  “Please eat,” she said quietly, placing the plate in front of me. “Even if you’re not hungry.”

  “I’m starving,” I lied, pulling the plate toward me and digging in. I took a big bite of eggs and my stomach railed against it, but I broke off a piece of bacon and stuffed it in my mouth anyway. “Thanks, Mom.”

  She smiled, took the sausage off the heat and leaned both hands against the counter. I ate slower because I didn’t imagine my immediately throwing up her food would make her feel better, and I’d made my point, anyway. She let out a big sigh.

  “Something happens to you when you have a child,” she said. “You think you have a grip on the world, that you can handle whatever life has in store for you. And then this little person shows up and you would gladly throw yourself in front of a train for her without even thinking. And every time anything happens to any child, anywhere, in your head, it’s your kid, you know? Every tragedy in the world, for a few seconds, it’s yours. It’s exhausting and frightening and some people...” She paused and took a deep breath, and when she spoke again, her voice cracked. “Some people just aren’t strong enough for it.”

  I put down my fork. I knew what was coming. It was odd, considering how badly I’d wanted to hear it for so many years, to find that, now that the moment was here, I wanted more to save her from the pain of it.

  “Mom—” I started, but she talked over me.