Life After Falling

by Alyssa Rose Ivy

  “I hope you agree when you see mine.” He unlocked the door and gestured for me to walk in first.

  I walked into pitch darkness until he flipped on the lights. I blinked a few times to get used to the light. I glanced around at the crowded yet cozy space. It was all one room with furniture separating the different living spaces. The living room was made up of a large leather couch and a TV that took up half the wall space. The only mess I saw was the unmade double bed and some dishes in the kitchen sink. “Nice place.”

  "It works for the time being." He moved a sweatshirt hanging on the back of a chair. If he thought this was a mess, I didn’t want him to see my place when it was messy. Not that it happened a lot, but when it did, it was intense.

  "Can I look?" I gestured to the movie collection he had piled next to the massive TV.

  "Sure." He walked over to the kitchen counter and put down his keys, wallet, and phone. I liked that he put down his phone. It meant he was all there with me. I’d worked hard to break my own addiction to technology.

  "Quite the collection." My eyes ran over the titles.

  "I've picked up a few over the years."

  "What's your favorite?" I kneeled down to see them better.

  "You can't ask me that."

  "Why not?" I raised an eyebrow.

  "Because I don't have one favorite. Each category is different."

  "But no overarching favorite?"

  "Not for movies, but I do for music. Movies are like food while music is like women."

  "Uh, do I want to know what that means?"

  "Movies each have different purposes for me. Some make me laugh, some make me think. Some are entertainment. Like food. How can you compare a burger with a slice of cake? They serve different purposes.”

  "Got it, but why is music like women?"

  "Music has one purpose. To move someone. I can pick one favorite. The same goes for women. Who needs variety if you can find everything in just one?"

  Words had never turned me on so much. "That's an interesting way to view things."

  "It works."

  I stood up. "But what if you never find one thing that has everything you need? Do you keep searching?”

  "I wait." His eyes locked with mine. "Eventually you hear the right one, and it can become your favorite.”

  "Does it change?"

  "Only when it has to."

  "Do you have a favorite now?" I ran my teeth over my bottom lip.

  "Song?"

  "What else would I mean?"

  "I don't know. You tell me."

  "I meant song."

  "Are you sure?" He looked deep into my eyes. The gaze felt physical, like he was actually looking into my soul, as clichéd as that sounds.

  "No."

  "I was hoping you'd say that." His lips crashed into mine. They were demanding and hard, nothing like I expected them to feel, but somehow that made it better.

  His arms wrapped around my waist, pulling me against him, echoing his lips in the intensity. I moved my arms around his neck. Pulling him down to my height. Now that I'd had a taste, I wanted more. He deepened the kiss, and I gladly opened up to him. His taste and feel tantalized me, making me need more.

  In a blur he picked me up and carried me over to the couch. He laid me down and moved over me. His eyes were heated and full of want. I was sure mine matched his as I waited for his lips to return to mine.

  "You want this, right?" He paused with his lips inches from mine and his eyes full of intensity. "This isn't me reading into something that isn't really there because I want it so bad?"

  "You’re only reading into exactly what's here." I pulled his head down to me, and he didn't hesitate to pick up exactly where we left off. He sucked my lower lip into his mouth and lightly bit down.

  I moaned, slipping my hand underneath his t-shirt. His chest was muscular, solid, everything his t-shirts had hinted at.

  He mirrored my actions, and I took in a breath as his hand ran over my stomach.

  "You are so sensitive," he breathed.

  "Is that a bad thing?"

  "Not at all." He pulled my t-shirt over my head.

  I did the same with his.

  He unclasped my bra and slowly slid it off. For all the intensity and rush from earlier he was taking this slow.

  "So freaking beautiful." He lowered his mouth to my breast. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the sensation of his lips. He bit down gently, making me open my eyes.

  "Want to move to my bed?"

  I nodded absently, and he picked me up and carried me over to his bed. He placed me down gently before stepping out of his jeans and striped boxers.

  My eyes widened as I took him in.

  He smiled in acknowledgment of my appraisal and unbuttoned my jeans. As with my other clothes, he slid them off slowly. He tossed them away from the bed before following with my underwear.

  His eyes raked over me in a slow, intense gaze as though he were taking a mental video to re-watch later. "Over or under?"

  It took me a moment to realize he meant the blankets. “Under.”

  In one motion he lifted me up and pulled down the navy comforter and top sheet. He moved next to me, running his hand down my body. I closed my eyes again, focusing only on the sensation of his hand on my skin.

  I startled as his hand slipped between my legs, but I recovered quickly, opening up to him. I moaned, and his lips retuned once again to my breast. I took him in my hand, ready to give him the pleasure he was giving me.

  I got lost in the pleasure until he offset my hand and moved over me, holding a condom in his hand.

  His eyes asked the question one more time.

  I nodded, more than ready to welcome him in.

  * * *

  "So that just happened." I adjusted the sheet over me.

  "It didn't just happen." He rolled onto his side "It was a completely consciously made decision. Can't even blame alcohol."

  "I'm not blaming anything."

  "Good." He twisted a few strands of my hair around his finger in a familiar way. "I'm going to be honest here. We’re compatible, and I am hoping that happens again."

  "We are definitely compatible." The sex had been far better than any I'd ever had. He'd been attentive, yet reckless. The combination was perfect.

  He rolled onto his back.

  "Do you want me to stay?" I asked the question I needed to ask before I could truly relax.

  He leaned over me. "Of course."

  "It's a legit question."

  "If you think so, then I need to make something crystal clear."

  I nodded, entranced by the way he watched me.

  "If you get in my bed at night, I always expect you to be there in the morning." His words didn't fit the Leo I knew. They were demanding, like his kisses.

  It was almost too much. I needed to lighten the mood—bring us back to our normal place. "I guess I should be careful when I get in your bed."

  "The time to be careful has passed. We're both in too deep. No reason to pretend otherwise.”

  "You’re confident."

  "You were part of that too. You know it as well as I do.”

  I nodded.

  "And you want to pretend you don’t plan to do it with me again? And again?" He moved over me.

  "Why does it sound like you are ready for more already?"

  "Because I am." There was nothing apologetic in his voice, but the smile on his lips was the one I knew well.

  "It’s a good thing I'm ready too."

  "Great. And this time I'll make sure you aren't asking me whether to stay afterward."

  * * *

  I returned to his bed wearing only his t-shirt. It had been the easiest thing to pull on before I made a trip to the bathroom.

  He watched me approach while lying there with his arms behind his head. We hadn’t gotten around to turning off the lamp yet. "You look good in that." He was relaxed again, all smiles.

  "Thanks."

  "But you have to take i
t off."

  "You don't want me wearing your shirt?" I put a hand to my chest. Did the shirt have special meaning to him or something?

  "I want you wearing it anytime but now. Now you have to play fair. I'm naked, and you should be too."

  "Oh." I pulled off the shirt and let it fall down to the carpeted floor.

  "Much better." He held open his arms to me, and I gladly fell into them.

  "You have perfect breasts." He cupped them with each hand.

  "I don't think I’d say perfect."

  "Perfect. Perfect feel, perfect size." He grinned wickedly. "Perfect taste."

  "Glad you like them."

  "Glad I get to enjoy them." He let go long enough to pull me on top of him. “And all of you too. I’m glad I get to enjoy all of you."

  "You are so weird."

  "Enjoying your body makes me weird?"

  "No, but every two minutes your personality changes.”

  "It doesn’t change. It's multifaceted.”

  "Is that what you call it?"

  "Yes."

  I rested my head on his chest. "And I never said it was a bad thing,"

  "I know." He ran his hands down my back. "I prefer this to our phone calls, far more satisfying."

  "The problem is that anything else now will feel like settling."

  "You know how I feel about settling." He kissed my neck.

  I closed my eyes. "Yes I do."

  Twelve

  I rolled over and opened my eyes. I wasn't in my own bed. I heard a noise from behind me, and it all came back to me.

  I sat up, careful to keep the sheet over my chest.

  "Hey, did I wake you up?" Leo called from the kitchen.

  I ran a hand through my hair to smooth it out. "I don't think so."

  He smiled. "You’re cute in the morning."

  "You mean I'm half asleep." I looked over to where he stood by the stove wearing only boxers. “Are you making breakfast?"

  "Yeah. I was going to wait and ask what you wanted, but you seem to like everything I do, so I made pancakes.

  “My favorite.” I waited for the awkward post-first night together feeling to set in, but it didn’t.

  “Great.” He flipped a pancake.

  I pulled on his t-shirt and my underwear before heading to the bathroom. I finished up and met him in the small kitchen.

  "I'm going to say it again.” His eyes raked over me. “You look good in that."

  “It’s comfy.”

  “I like soft shirts.” He ran a hand down my side.

  “Me too.”

  "I made coffee." He gestured to the full pot.

  "You are really earning points." I found a mug and poured myself a cup. I usually used milk, but I didn't feel like searching for it. I was getting better at drinking it black.

  He finished up at the stove and came around behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist. "I didn't give you a proper morning greeting."

  I leaned back against him. "Good morning."

  "How did you sleep?" He kept a hand on my waist but used his other to pour himself more coffee.

  "Well. You?"

  "Better than usual."

  "I guess that's good.”

  "It is." He released my waist and served two plates.

  “Want me to get the syrup or anything?” I felt funny letting him do all the work. I wasn’t used to it. It’s not that Steve wasn’t considerate. It’s that I insisted on doing everything for myself. I was more comfortable letting Leo take care of me, which was strange considering how new our relationship, or whatever we had, was.

  “If you don't mind, it's in the cabinet.” He pointed to one of the white upper cabinets lining the wall.

  I opened the cabinet and searched around through the random assortment of bottles and containers until I found the syrup. I took it out and placed in on the counter.

  We fixed our plates and took seats at the small wooden table.

  I took a bite. “This is delicious.” It was the perfect consistency.

  “I’m glad my cooking passes your test.”

  “You’re passing the test with flying colors.”

  “Well, I’ll keep doing what I’m doing if it means I get to spend my mornings this way.”

  “I’ll sign up for that.” I smiled.

  He set down his fork and took a long sip of coffee. “Good.”

  "What are you up to today?"

  He set down his coffee. “I already called Phil. He's coming by the shop tomorrow."

  "That's not why I was asking." I'd forgotten all about the tape. I was completely distracted by everything else—namely Leo.

  "If you say so."

  “I do." I fished my phone out of my purse and saw a series of text messages from Steve.

  Hey.

  You around?

  I'm giving up the apartment. I'll pay the fee to break the lease, but I can't afford to keep it, and it’s weird without you. It was our place.

  I'm not sure what you want to do about the rest of your stuff, but I’m going out of town this weekend. It might be a good time for you to come.

  I'm sorry. I said it before and I'll say it again. I should have leveled with you sooner, but I was afraid of hurting you. That happened anyway. Hopefully at some point this will all blow over and we can be friends, but until then you’re a great person Cassidy. You don't always see it, but you are. I hope you find someone who helps you see the truth and gives you what you need.

  Let me know if you need anything.

  I stared at my screen, days of pent up emotions bubbled up until I could barely breathe. I closed my eyes and thought back on our breakup.

  * * *

  I’d quit my job, and that gave me the strength to ask the question I’d wanted to ask Steve since I caught him watching his best friend in the way I’d always wanted him to look at me. “Are you in love with someone else?”

  He stared at me blankly for a moment, before blinking and nodding.

  “That’s a yes? You’re admitting to being in love with him?”

  “How long have you known?”

  “A long time.” I’d walked away to look out the window.

  “I wanted to tell you, but I was too scared.”

  “Why did you propose to me? Don’t lie and tell me you didn’t know back then.”

  “Because I do love you…”

  “No you don’t.”

  “I do, but not in the way you need.”

  “Take it.” I pulled off the ring I’d been wearing for months. There was a thick tan line. “I’ll be out of here in thirty minutes.”

  “You’re leaving? Just like that?” His eyes were full of hurt.

  Normally seeing him upset would be enough, but it’d be hurting us both if I prolonged this. “What reason do I have to stay?”

  “Shouldn’t we talk about this more?”

  “You don’t want to marry me. That’s all I need to know.” I walked into our bedroom and started to pack.

  “I’ll keep Fluffy.”

  I turned and glared at Steve. “He’s mine. I gave you the ring back, but Fluffy stays with me.”

  “You hate him.”

  “He’s mine.” I packed hurriedly and was relieved to find Fluffy and his stuff packed up by the door. By the time I finished in the bedroom, Steve was nowhere to be seen. I walked out without bothering to lock the door. He could take care of that.

  * * *

  "You okay?" Leo's worried voice pulled me back to the present.

  "I need to go to Philly."

  "Now?"

  "Today, before my ex gets back in town. He's giving up the apartment, and I need to get my stuff."

  "I can be ready anytime."

  "Why would you need to be ready?" I pushed around the remaining syrup-soaked pancake on my plate.

  "Because I'm coming with you."

  "You don't have to. Just because I spent the night—”

  He cut me off. "I made you breakfast because you spent the night. I'm going
with you because I want to, and if I don’t you'll go alone. You aren't allowed to do this alone."

  "What if I want to?" I set down my fork.

  "You don't. You want company."

  "Don't you have to work?”

  “Not today. I have Saturdays off, and I have nothing planned today. I guess you lucked out."

  "You really don't mind coming?" I couldn’t ignore the tingling of relief that spread through me. I dreaded walking into the apartment, and having Leo along for the ride would make it much more tolerable.

  He leaned toward me. "Not at all. I didn't get to help you move into your new place. I might as well help you move out of your old one."

  "All right. I guess I'll go home and change and come back."

  “Or wait for me to get ready, and I'll save you the trip back here."

  "That works too." I wasn’t in that much of a hurry, and considering he was helping me I’d wait as long as he needed.

  "Great." He walked down the hall toward the bathroom.

  I got dressed in my clothes from the night before and called my mom.

  She answered after a few rings. "You’re up early."

  "It's not early."

  "It's before eight."

  "I used to leave for work at 7:30."

  "But you don't have work today."

  "I'm going to Philly."

  "Seeing Steve?" Her voice lilted, and I knew she was nervous about my answer.

  "No, I'm getting my stuff."

  "Want me to come? Or your dad? You know he’ll take you.”

  "No thanks." I was glad I could easily shoot down that suggestion. My mom meant well with her offer, but my parents’ presence would make me more uptight than I already was.

  "I don't think you should do this alone.”

  "I'm not."

  "Who's coming?

  "Leo,” I dropped his name.

  "That's generous of him."

  "He's nice."

  "You’re sleeping with him, aren't you?"

  "Mom!" I gritted my teeth.

  "What? You know I'm right."

  "Does it matter?" I wasn’t in the mood for a lecture or whatever else was coming.

  "Not unless you’re using him as a rebound.”

  "Why would that matter?”