Life After Falling

by Alyssa Rose Ivy

  “You’re not changing my mind. Either you come or we go home now. I’d prefer to see my daughter, but I’m not getting dropped off.”

  “Why?”

  “Because you keep saying my being a dad doesn’t change things, so you’re going to prove it.”

  “Fine.”

  “That does not mean standing outside ten feet from the house.”

  “Obviously.”

  “Is it obvious?”

  “Stop.” I turned onto his in-laws street.

  “You need to relax.”

  “I can’t.”

  “You can. You are an attorney. You’ve done harder things than this.”

  “I know.” I’d dealt with plenty, but at the moment this situation had my head spinning.

  “Then do it.”

  I pulled into the driveway. “How are they going to react?”

  “My in-laws?”

  “Yes.”

  “I texted my mother-in-law. They know.” He opened his door.

  I turned off the car and got out. I tried to stay calm. This wasn’t that big of a deal. We would go in and see them, and then we’d leave. Over and done. Except it wasn’t. This was Leo’s daughter and her grandparents. If I wanted something to work out with Leo, I’d have to see them way more than once.

  As soon as I reached where Leo waited in front of the car, he started for the front door.

  “Daddy!” The door flung open and a tiny little girl jumped into Leo’s arms.

  “Hey, honey.”

  I froze. I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do.

  “Who’s she?” The brown-haired girl pointed to me.

  “This is my friend, Cassidy.”

  “Hi. I’m Naomi.” She smiled shyly while holding on around Leo’s neck.

  “Hi, Naomi.”

  “Invite her in already,” A woman called from inside the house.

  “Come on in.” Leo grinned.

  I nodded and followed Leo and Naomi inside.

  “You’re young.” A woman probably in her early seventies walked over. “Very young.”

  “Me?”

  “Who else would I mean?” She had deep circles under her eyes that aged her far more than her gray hair.

  I glanced at Leo for help, but he was getting settled on the floor with Naomi to play with some blocks. “I’m not that young.”

  “Younger than Leo.”

  “By a few years. I’m twenty-seven.”

  “Oh. Not as young as you look.”

  “Thanks, I think.”

  She held out her hand. “I’m Daphne.”

  I accepted her handshake. “Nice to meet you.” I’d had far too many awkward meetings lately.

  “I’m glad you’re not as young as you look. Leo doesn’t need another kid in his life.”

  “Oh. We’re just—”

  “Save the bullshit, honey.”

  I coughed. “Uh…”

  “You’re not his friend any more than I’m thirty years old.”

  I said nothing. I had no idea how to respond. How was Leo missing all of this?

  “It was bound to happen. I’m just glad you’re not a kid like I said.”

  “You really think Leo would date someone way younger?”

  “The old Leo? No. But he hasn’t been himself.”

  “He’s still himself.”

  “Naomi needs him.”

  “I know.” I watched them play.

  “Needs him to be there every day. He has to snap out of this. It’s been over a year.”

  “Oh. I hadn’t realized it had been…” I looked away. I felt like an intruder. I hoped I wasn’t making things harder on the grandparents by being there.

  “Since Nikki died.” Her face fell. “He held it together at first, but then he crumbled a few months later.”

  “He’s going to get a permanent and steady job again.” He had the credentials, he just needed to be ready to face the business world again.

  “You really think that has anything to do with why she’s living with us?”

  “I don’t know honestly.”

  “He’s scared. He doesn’t think he’s good enough.”

  “But he is, isn’t he?” I assumed she’d be honest.

  “He’s her father. He loves her. He’ll figure it out.”

  “Then why haven’t you made him?”

  “You can’t make someone do something until they are ready. He will be, and then I’ll miss her when she leaves to live with him.” Daphne teared up.

  “He’ll still bring her over all the time. You’d still see her.”

  “I know, but life isn’t as simple as you think.”

  “I know it isn’t.” At least I was beginning to understand that.

  “You can join them.” She pointed toward the floor.

  “I don’t want to intrude.”

  “Then what’s the point in being here? If you’re afraid of her, you’ll never get to know her.”

  “I’m not afraid. I’m being respectful.”

  “You two are never going to get anywhere. You are as bad as him.” She shook her head. “He also worries too much.” She continued shaking her head as she walked out of the room.

  I kneeled down on the floor near them.

  “Can you build a big building?” Naomi pointed to me.

  “I could try.”

  “Daddy isn’t very good at it.”

  “Really? I’d think he would be.” I started to pile up some blocks.

  “He takes forever.”

  “I like to be careful.” Leo placed a block on top of the small tower.

  “He’s slow.” Naomi frowned.

  I smiled. “Do you like building fast?”

  “Yes. And I want it so tall it reaches the sky.” She jumped up. “The real sky.”

  “I don’t know if we have enough blocks for that, but we can try.” I continued to build them.

  Leo leaned back on his hands. “Cassidy is as impatient as you.”

  “What’s impatient?” Naomi wrinkled up her nose.

  “In a rush. Or unwilling to wait,” Leo explained.

  She seemed to consider his words, and then she nodded. “I am like that.”

  I laughed. “It’s not a bad thing.”

  “That’s tall!” She looked at my tower. “Really tall.”

  “Not to the sky yet.”

  “But close. Real close.”

  “Closer than when your daddy does it?”

  “Yes!” She jumped up and down a little too close causing the blocks to topple down. Her face fell, but before she could cry Leo grabbed her from behind.

  She started to giggle as he bundled her up in his arms. “The block monster is here.”

  “Daddy!” She yelled through her giggles.

  I sat down with my legs crossed over and watched. He wasn’t giggling, but his smile was just as big as his daughter’s.

  "Can we get ice cream?" Naomi looked at her Dad with puppy dog eyes.

  "Ice cream?" Leo looked at his watch. "It's almost eight. Which reminds me, we never ate dinner."

  "Please, Daddy." She smiled angelically while maintaining the eyes. The girl had talent.

  "Take her for ice cream," Daphne called into the room. "Have fun for a change."

  "Yay! Ice cream! Ice cream!” She jumped up and down.

  I stood up and waited for Leo’s answer.

  "I guess we're having ice cream for dinner." Leo shook his head.

  "I did that the other night with my mom." I bent down to Naomi's height. "You aren't the only one who likes it."

  I stood next to Naomi in the driveway as Leo installed her car seat. It was strange seeing one in my car. It wasn't something I'd expected to see for a long time.

  "All set." Leo picked up Naomi and strapped her into her seat. I waited for him to close her door before getting in. Once Leo was in I turned on the engine.

  "My daddy and mommy used to have a car."

  "What kind of car?" I carefully backed out of
the driveway.

  "A white kind."

  "Did they drive you fun places?"

  "Sometimes. My mommy wanted a red kind of car."

  I fought back tears. "Red is a great color."

  "Black is pretty too. I like this car." This kid was too much. At age three she had more social graces than most adults.

  "Thank you, Naomi."

  "There's a Friendly's nearby if that works." Leo turned toward me.

  "Works for me if Naomi agrees."

  "Yes." A quick glance in the rear view mirror showed her grinning. She was enjoying her late evening outing.

  I followed Leo’s directions and found the restaurant. I parked and waited for Leo to unbuckle Naomi. We walked inside and got a table for three. That was another new experience.

  “I get the monster sundae.” Naomi tapped a picture in the menu of mint chip ice cream with an M&M face and peanut butter cup ears.

  “That’s new. They used to only have the clown one.”

  “I like this one better.”

  “I’m going to have a peanut butter cup sundae.” I had a weakness for anything peanut butter and chocolate.

  “I like peanut butter, but not with ice cream.”

  “We all like different things.”

  “Daddy eats weird things with his ice cream.”

  I turned to Leo. “Care to explain?”

  “She means nuts. I like nuts on my ice cream.”

  Naomi wrinkled her nose. “Weird things.”

  “Did you know peanut butter comes from a nut?”

  She seemed pensive. “But peanut butter is not weird.”

  “I think the fact that you eat ice cream with a face is weird,” Leo teased.

  Naomi stuck out her tongue at him, and I laughed.

  A waitress came over, and we placed our orders—Leo got a hot fudge sundae with nuts.

  Naomi and I colored on her menu, something Leo seemed to find amusing. I ignored him. I hadn’t had an excuse to color with crayons in a long time.

  I happily put down my crayons when the ice cream arrived. It had also been ages since I’d had a true ice cream sundae.

  “Yummy.” Naomi happily devoured her ice cream, getting half of it on herself and the table. Leo ignored the mess. I was tempted to clean it up, but I was worried I’d cross some invisible line. I wasn’t sure what I was and wasn’t allowed to do.

  As soon as she finished he wiped everything, including her face. Lesson learned. He liked to wait and clean everything at the end.

  Less than a half hour after we arrived, we’d paid and were heading back outside.

  “I love ice cream.” Naomi skipped toward the car while holding onto Leo’s hand.

  “We know.” Leo laughed.

  “Nana says it makes me silly.” She giggled.

  “Silly can be good.” At least I thought so.

  “Unless you’re the one in charge of bedtime.”

  “Oh. Good point.” I remembered that from my babysitting days.

  “Cassidy should read me my book tonight.”

  “Only if she wants to.” Leo glanced at me.

  I unlocked my car. “What kind of book?”

  “You can pick. I have lots.”

  “I don’t mind reading, but that’s up to your Nana too.”

  “Why?” Naomi asked as Leo strapped her in.

  “Because it’s her house.”

  “It’s my house too,” Naomi argued.

  “It is.” I nodded. I couldn’t argue with her logic there.

  I got in to the driver’s seat and waited for Leo.

  He buckled his seatbelt. “Thanks for taking us out for ice cream.”

  “You paid.” I backed out of the spot.

  “But you drove.”

  “I enjoyed my ice cream too.”

  We made the short drive back to Daphne’s house.

  “I think you were saved from reading.” Leo pointed the back seat. Naomi was fast asleep.

  “I guess she won’t be brushing her teeth tonight.”

  “Worse things have happened.” He got out.

  I had her door opened before he got around and waited as he carefully unbuckled her. As he walked to the front door, I struggled to remove the seat from the back.

  “I can do that.”

  I turned at the sound of the unfamiliar male voice and came face to face with who had to be Daphne’s husband. “Oh, thanks.”

  “Not a problem.” He easily removed the seat.

  “I’m Ron.” He set down the seat and held out his hand.

  I returned the hand shake. “I’m Cassidy.”

  “She’s a cutie isn’t she?”

  “Naomi? Yeah. Adorable.”

  “She’ll get you wrapped around her finger if you’re not careful.”

  “I bet.”

  “I want you to know you aren’t unwelcome.” He watched me through his thick glasses.

  “But that doesn’t mean I’m welcome.” The words fell out of my mouth.

  “It does, but it’s not easy.”

  “I’m sorry for your loss. I cannot even imagine.”

  “No one can.” He looked off. “But none of that is your fault. Don’t get confused and feel like it somehow was.”

  “Thanks.”

  He nodded and disappeared with the seat inside.

  I got in the car to wait for Leo. I assumed he was still planning to leave, but either way he’d have to come out. Five minutes later he reappeared.

  “You have a beautiful little girl.” As soon as he buckled I backed out of the driveway.

  “Thanks. She’s the light of my life.”

  “I can see that.” I wove through the residential neighborhood.

  “Thanks for being so cool about things tonight.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Going out for ice cream, coloring. That wasn’t what you signed up for.”

  “I didn’t sign up for anything.”

  “Exactly.”

  I pulled onto the parkway, ready for the half hour drive.

  He turned to me. “So you still want to stay over with me tonight?”

  “I actually need to go home.”

  “Oh.” His voice was emotionless.

  “You know feed Fluffy and everything.”

  “We could stop there first, or stay there…”

  “We both have work tomorrow.”

  “All right. Got it.” He looked out the window.

  “But maybe another night.” I didn’t want to fall into anything deeper until I knew what I wanted. Avoiding falling meant avoiding spending the night.

  “I’ll follow up with Phil tomorrow.”

  “It’s fine. I already told you it isn’t a big deal.”

  “I’ll keep you posted.”

  “Thanks.” I adjusted my hands on the wheel. I was tired and ready to be home.

  Sixteen

  I paced back and forth in the living room. What the hell was I doing? I was alone in an apartment above a store on Long Island. I was living in the town I swore I’d never move back to, starting a job I’d never planned to do, and quasi-dating a guy who was exactly the kind I didn’t need in my life. Yet I wanted him in my life.

  I pulled out my phone and did what I’d wanted to do for the past hour. You still up? I hit send on my text.

  Leo replied right away. Yes. I assume you are too.

  I smiled picturing how amused he probably was by his answer. I didn’t give myself the chance to change my mind. I pulled a zip-up hooded sweatshirt on over my pajama top and grabbed my purse. I wasn’t going to get sleep, and I wasn’t going to feel any better sitting around all night.

  My phone buzzed with another text. Was there a reason for your question?

  I ignored his text. It would only slow me down and give me the chance to chicken out.

  The roads were dark and empty as I made my way over to Leo’s. I lowered the windows and enjoyed the crisp air. A few minutes later I pulled into the driveway and parked back ar
ound by the garage.

  I took the steps slowly, staring down at my feet. I wasn’t sure if I was being crazy or smart, and I wasn’t sure if I even knew the difference between the two anymore. I glanced up and found Leo standing in his open doorway wearing only a pair of boxers and a huge grin.

  I smiled. “Hi.”

  “Hi.” He gave me an amused smile as he held open the door.

  I walked inside and took a seat on the couch.

  He sat down next to me. “I guess this is why you wanted to know whether or not I was awake.”

  “I wanted to see you.”

  He turned to look at me. “I wanted to see you too.”

  “You probably think I’ve got multiple personalities.”

  “No, I think you’re scared.”

  “Scared of what?” I looked down at my hands in my lap.

  “Of what you feel.”

  I made myself look up and meet his eye. “I don’t want to be afraid.”

  “Then don’t be.”

  “You make it sound easy.”

  “It is easy.” He ran his hand down my back. “Once you let go.”

  “I don’t want to get hurt.” I rested my head on his chest.

  “You are already hurt. Don’t bother denying it. You can pretend what happened with your ex didn’t hurt, but it did. And it’s not because you’re not with him anymore.”

  “Then what is it?”

  “It’s because you can’t blame your unhappiness on the relationship anymore. You lost your excuse.”

  “I wish you were wrong,” I mumbled against him.

  “You can be happy, Cassidy. You have to be open to it. You have to take a risk.”

  I lifted my head and met his eyes. “I came over here in the middle of the night in my pajamas.”

  “Is that what you’re wearing under that?” He gestured to my sweatshirt.

  “Yes. I didn’t want to waste the time getting dressed.”

  “Were you afraid I’d board my plane before you got here?”

  I laughed. “I realize my life isn’t a romantic comedy.”

  He smiled. “I love how you understood that reference.”

  I touched his shoulder. “I love that you made it.”

  “I’m glad you came over.”

  “I’m glad you were still up.”

  “I’m usually up.” He shrugged.

  “Maybe we can change that.” I started to unzip my sweatshirt.

  He covered my hand with his as I continued to pull the zipper down the track. “I slept more the night you were here than I have in months.”