“Not usually.” I slid off the bed.
“Okay, I’ll see if the maintenance guy can let me in over there. You watch the window and come over when you see me.” He started to walk out of my room before he stopped in his tracks. “Come over using stairs and doors, not the window.”
I gave him a nod. He didn’t know that the ramp walk was in almost all of my nightmares. I overheard Officer Sam tell my mom that he was going to borrow me in a few moments and she sounded flustered.
I watched the window for Sam. While I waited, I pulled over the coffee can Gaze and I used to send messages. It was empty. I grabbed my notebook and wrote the date and the words I miss you on a piece of paper before folding it neatly and putting it inside the can. I sent it back across the way. My true feelings. I missed Gaze so much.
Gaze was my comfort in the dark. The other side of my body felt so weird without him to lean into.
Officer Sam opened Gaze’s door and glanced at the floor. I heard, “Oh shit,” before he looked for me in my window. “You can’t come in here, Pixie.”
I ignored him and took off running. I wanted to be in Gaze’s room. I wanted to make sure his place was ready for when he came back.
Officer Sam anticipated what I was doing and met me in the lobby of Gaze’s building. He put his hands on my shoulders to stop me from moving around him. “I closed the window. There’s too much blood. I’ll talk to maintenance and see if they can get someone to clean it up. But no, you can’t go over there. I’m sorry.”
There would be no going back for me. I was as cut off from Gaze as I could possibly be. I left Officer Sam with a mumble of thanks.
_______________
I didn’t have to testify against Gaze’s dad. He took a plea deal, and Officer Sam would pop in from time to time to give me information. Turned out, he lived the next neighborhood up, so I was on his way home. He didn’t like Bic. I could tell from his body language and how his jaw would tense up as Bic would bellow around.
My mom and I tried to have a few in-depth conversations, but her stare would always skitter to wherever Bic was. And he was loud and sneaky at the same time. Our finances were getting dicey, even though he still claimed to be a genius. The power was cut off twice and my mom’s credit card bills had turned into collection notices.
The cleaners came and left Gaze’s place, and the only visitors were the occasional maintenance men. Gaze’s window was left open a crack, and that made me both happy and sad.
I wondered where he was. All Sam could tell me was that he was with a foster family and it was going well. I hoped it was true, and I also felt jealous that I wasn’t a part of his new life. I had to remind myself that there were no other choices. In my nightmares I no longer saw Mr. Jones’ whole face, just his eyes. The murderous eyes throwing caution and care to the wind as his altered state made decisions for him. I sent notes to the coffee can every day—my thoughts, my apologies, my fears. The can would tuck out of the way on Gaze’s side of the pulley, so I felt safe. The top on it kept it waterproof.
School got bigger without Gaze. I found myself reading more than hanging out with my friends. They’d ask about Gaze, and I wouldn’t tell them anything. It was crazy how quickly middle schoolers forgot who you were. They were like flies landing on whatever was exciting next.
Six months into my life without Gaze, everything changed again. Mom was on her way home from the airport, a quick travel that Bic had no interest in going to, when the taxi cab had an accident. The cab driver survived. My mom did not.
Chapter 30
GAZE
The inbetween . . .
ROLLING INTO MIKE and Ronna’s driveway was like watching a sitcom. The neighborhood was nice, lots of basketball hoops in driveways, but not in theirs when I got there.
The kids came out onto the front lawn with a fistful of balloons and the cocker spaniel who was randomly barking at all of them.
The kids from the couch were in living color now. I felt out of place, but there was nowhere to go but out of the vehicle.
Mike and Ronna disregarded the suitcase and walked with me over to the kids. Rocket, the dog, was jumping all over the place until the girl picked her up. Then she wiggled and stuck out her tongue.
The moppy headed boy stuck out his hand first. “Hey, nice to meet you. I’m Milt.” I shook his hand. He was a formal sounding kid despite his sloppy demeanor.
“I’m Austin.” He gave me a little wave and a wink. He seemed like the kind of guy you already had an inside joke with. Teddi, the girl, was still wrangling the dog. She was younger than me, I could tell now. Instead of shaking my hand, she held out Rocket for a pet.
She was a blond spaniel and sniffed my hand before submitting for a pet. “Ugh. She’s such a pork chop. Can you carry her?” Teddi swung the dog around and handed her to me like a baby.
The spaniel licked my chin and I had to laugh at her complete submission to the pose. Her legs were noodles and she seemed content. “I’m Gaze and I’ve never seen a dog do this before in my life.”
Austin poked his sister. “That’s because this one trained her to be carried like that since she was a puppy. It’s ridiculous.”
Mike and Ronna seemed both nervous and excited. Mike carried the suitcase for me. “You okay to carry Rocket? I don’t want you to pull a muscle or anything.”
I got as far as the front steps, following behind the kids before Milt swung around and offered to take Rocket. He poured the spaniel over his shoulders so her face was even with mine as we went up the stairs. Rocket licked my nose again.
Inside the house, Teddi and Austin showed me down a flight of stairs to an airy apartment-like setting. There was a living room space, a small kitchenette, and a nice sized bathroom. Mike brought my suitcase past us and we followed.
Teddi flung her arms open. “And this is your room!”
I looked around. It had a huge bed with a headboard and footboard and a French set of double doors that opened to a pool that was closed for the winter. There was an older playset just beyond that.
A mirror above the dresser had writing all over it. Welcome Gaze!
Ronna laughed and went up to the glass before running her finger down it. “Teddi, did you use a permanent marker on this?”
Her face dropped. “Oh no. I thought it was the dry erase kind.”
Austin clicked his tounge. “Listen, at least it wasn’t on her face this time.”
The family laughed and Milt pulled out his phone to show me a picture of a younger Teddi with a full beard and curly mustache. “She was a pirate and wanted to add a little something extra.”
“That lasted for two weeks.” Austin draped his arm around his sister’s shoulders. “Sometimes I feel like I can still see the mustache.” He touched her lip and she started wrestling with him immediately.
Ronna and Mike shook their heads.
Ronna offered, “Well, they behaved themselves for almost fifteen minutes, that’s a new record.”
Mike pushed the pile of wrestling kids out of my room.
Ronna smiled. “Do you want to settle in here and get some time to yourself? We can do a tour of the rest of the place after dinner?”
“Uh, sure. Thanks.” I glanced over at Rocket who was attempting to jump up onto the bed. Milt picked her up again, again holding her like a baby.
“I’d love to grab a shower.”
“Totally understandable,” Ronna said. “After I had the kids, it was the first thing I wanted to do when I got home from the hospital. There are towels and stuff in your bathroom.”
She opened a door I thought was a closet, and sure enough, I had my own bathroom.
“Thank you. I appreciate it.”
I watched as Ronna and Mike met their gazes and smiled. Man, these people were putting off a genuine vibe.
After the whole lot of them left my room, Austin came back.
“Let me get this door for you. Come out whenever you want. And if you want to have space tonight, I’m pre
tty sure I can slide pizza under the door.” And then he closed the door.
I stood there for a while, but then had a seat at the desk. It was a lot. A lot of walking and a lot of new people. A lot to absorb. These were seemingly nice people. I had questions as to why they wanted to foster a kid my age. The room was set up as gender neutral, sort of a guest room.
After exhaling loudly, I opened up the Chromebook that was on the desk. It was brand new. I guess my heart thought I’d be going home after the hospital and seeing Pixie even though I was angry with her. This new place seemed like a different universe entirely.
_______________
After my shower, I put on some sweatpants and a t-shirt from the suitcase. Fuzzy socks and a hoodie made me feel normal. I put the clothes from the suitcase into the dresser, which was empty. It took me a few times to try to walk out of the door and into my new home. I heard the doorbell ring as I stepped out. The door across from mine was ajar and Austin exited the same time I did.
“Pizza’s here. Perfect timing.” He was wearing black track pants and a pink t-shirt. He had a scarf wrapped around his neck and his hands were littered with rings. He certainly had his own style. “I’ll show you the way.” He led me up the stairs just as Mike closed the door with a stack of pizza boxes balanced on his arm.
Rocket was at the top of the stairs dancing around, eyes fixed on the pizza boxes.
“Hey, can you guys tell the other kids that the pizza is here?” Mike walked up the rest of the stairs and we followed him. I was going to pet Rocket, but she followed Mike.
Austin slowed once there was room to walk next to me. “Okay, so you want the tour while we go get them?”
I shrugged and remembered that hurt, so I winced as well. “Yeah, sure.”
“You okay?” His eyes were full of concern.
“I just forget that some stuff still hurts. I’ll be fine.” I looked around at the top of the stairs. There was a living room, dining room, and a half wall that separated the kitchen. It was way more space than I was used to. Hell, this house had way more space than about eight stores from the city neighborhood smashed together.
There were pictures in frames all over the walls. School pictures. Candid shots. Just a life pasted all over the walls. Austin showed me the bath and a half on that floor, then we went up another set of stairs to the top floor. He knocked on a door decorated with stickers, a silver set of letters that said Teddi, and what seemed like marker designs.
“More Sharpies?”
Austin snickered. “She loves to make permanent decisions with as little thought as possible. I fear for my parents when she hits eighteen. She will be covered in Disney tattoos.”
Teddi swung open the door and music flowed out. Upbeat pop music played around her flush face. “Dancing in the next Selena Gomez TikTok?” Austin asked her.
She grinned. “I’m starving!” She blew past us “Dibs on the bubble piece!”
“Um?” I had no idea what she was talking about.
Milt opened his door before Austin could knock. “Dibs on the bubble!” He pulled off a huge pair of headphones.
“Teddi already called it. You can suck on no bubbles tonight.” Austin touched the end of Milt’s nose.
Milt was unfazed. “Dips on the second bubble!”
I was able to peek into Milt’s room and it was a gamer’s dream lair. He had shelves with tons of different gaming systems on them and three TVs on the wall. The walls were painted black and the curtains drawn shut. There was a shooter game paused on the main monitor.
“I hope you aren’t fond of the bubbles on the pizza dough. Because those fools will fight like animals for that slice.” Instead of going down the stairs to dinner, Austin continued the tour. He got to the double doors and flung them open. “This is Mom and Dad’s room, where we were all conceived and we don’t ever want to think about it.” He waved his hand around with flourish.
I laughed out loud. “It’s...nice.”
The room was large and had two closets and a sitting area. The house was neat, but still had some piles of clutter.
“If only it were soundproof.” Austin closed the doors behind us. “And that’s the whole situation. We have to keep the doors closed because Rocket will pee on the carpet. She has no self-control about that. The pool doesn’t open until it’s warmer, but there’s a hot tub and we have a game court out back.”
He descended the stairs quickly and I was a little slower to keep up. When we got to the dining room, I realized they had enough chairs for all of us. Not an extra chair jammed in.
I folded into the routine of dinner easily. The family told me some about themselves, but I didn’t offer much. It seemed like we had so little in common. I mean, I had to be there and see how it went, but the way these kids joked with their parents told me that they’d never spent a day in their life afraid of them.
I had two cups full of lemonade and three slices of pizza. I found out that Mike was an engineer during the day, but loved playing basketball in the backyard at night. Ronna was crafty and so was Teddi, and they could spend way too much money in Michaels. Milt actually had a part-time job at the local game store that he loved going to. He knew when all the exciting game titles were coming out, and he and Austin usually went to midnight releases together. Austin was clearly beloved with a sharp tongue and a quick joke. I recognized that he was different, and I was super interested in the dynamic of acceptance here. They all seemed to know who Austin was and enjoyed him as he was.
Rocket was underfoot and I felt her warm sniffing nose through my sweatpants. I watched Teddi slip some cheese to the dog. Teddi liked the bubbles in the dough, but seemed to hate the cheese. Each piece was scraped clean and she ate just the sauce and bread. Both brothers reached onto her plate without asking and snatched the extra cheese for themselves, but she still had some left for Rocket.
I sat back and watched Mike observe the act. “You know that gives her the farts, Ted.”
Teddi rolled her eyes, reminding me of Austin. “She sleeps in your room, so…”
When we were all done, I got up and carried my plate and cup into the kitchen like the rest of the kids. They took over for Ronna, as she and Mike took Rocket for a walk. I stood fairly useless until Milt sat down on a stool in the kitchen.
“Do you play any games?” He played with the hair in front of his eyes.
“Not really. Didn’t have a system.” I put my hands into my pockets. “Had an old Game Boy.”
“Ever go to an arcade or anything?” Milt’s hands were always moving, pressing buttons on controllers.
“A couple of times when I was younger. But I don’t remember them that much.” I scratched the back of my neck. Here was where it would come up. That I barely had money to pay the bills. That my dad tried to kill me. My otherness would seep in. I didn’t want to feel like a spotlight was on my life. I was in the same age group as these kids, but this was not how I was used to things being done. With no edge to anything. No danger. At least that I could sense.
“All right. You interested in finding out what kind of games you like?” Milt stood up from the stool as Austin and Teddi finished the dishes together.
“Sure.” I followed Milt up to his room. He had four gaming chairs, so I collapsed into one that looked like a basketball hoop.
Milt was friendly and started out with a basketball game, saying he knew I liked to play.
After learning the controls, I had fun with Milt. Eventually, Mike and Ronna knocked on the doorjamb.
“Hey, boys. Good to see you settling in, Gaze.” Mike gave me a huge smile.
“Can we borrow you for a few minutes? We just have some paperwork to go over with you. Court stuff.” Ronna pulled a manila folder to her chest.
I handed the controller to Milt. “Thanks, man.”
“Anytime.” He lifted his chin at me and then returned to the game.
Ronna and Mike led me to their bedroom. I was getting concerned that I was in trouble or something,
but they directed me to sit in the sitting area while they sat in the other chairs that were settled into a triangle.
“How’s it going so far?” Ronna seemed very concerned about my answer.
“It’s great so far. I guess I’m leery of everything going right. I feel like there should be a shocker soon. Like something that feels wrong.” I bit my lips together.
“I think that’s understandable in your situation. And you’re our very first foster kid. We’re bound to make mistakes going forward.” Mike held out his hand to Ronna who took it gratefully.
“I think it’s only fair to tell you why we decided to start fostering.” Ronna held up a picture of a little boy that looked like a mix between Austin, Milt, and Teddi. “This was Abel, our firstborn. We miss him still. He passed away while I was pregnant with Austin, and I’ve always felt like there was room here for one more family member.”
Ronna stared at the picture and touched the paper with her fingertip.
“We get that you’re here temporarily, but we had this extra room and really wanted to share it with someone that needed it. So, I hope this works out while you’re with us. We’re slated to be with you through the new year, and then Mrs. Josephine will reassess how things are going. See if we are a good fit and all of that.”
I was happy their motives seemed pure, even if the story of their first child was sad.
“This is just a few things we put togther to sort of be like a user manual. Just where stuff is and how to get in and out. Anything we could think of.” She held the folder out to me. I took it and thanked them when it seemed like the conversation had done what they needed it to do.
I made my way down to my room and I settled into my bed for the first time. As I paged through the very scrapbook looking pages, I missed Pixie. I would miss her every day. I felt very far from her.
Chapter 31
Gaze
I WAS ABOUT an hour and a half away from my apartment, but it felt like a lifetime away. Waking up in a new house and bedroom made me angry. Because despite Bruce being a fuck-up, this life felt like I was borrowing it from someone else. I had feelings I didn’t know how to place.
Drowning in Stars Page 14
