I didn’t want to be an asshole to these people, but I kind of was. I wanted to prove to them that I was different. That you could give me clothes and stuff, but I was not going to necessarily fit right in.
Which didn’t make sense. I felt the betrayal of Pixie on every inhale and exhale, which was also a huge part of my recovery. Meeting with the therapist and the psychologist made me feel like a science experiment.
The Burathons gave me space and understanding. And I found even that pissed me off. Late one Wednesday night, I packed a bag and walked out of my French doors. I was going to walk home. See what was what. Where I could fit in.
I smelled burning cigarette smoke and almost crapped myself when in the night Austin’s soft voice whispered, “Hey.”
“Shit, man. What the hell?” I stepped away from him and my movement triggered the motion lights on. All of a sudden, he and I were lit up like escaping prisoners.
He grabbed my upper arm and pulled me into the shadows. Only a red ember lingering by his hand gave us away. It quickly fluttered to the ground and was stomped out.
“I’m smoking,” he stated the obvious. “Why are you all ready to bounce?”
My eyes adjusted to the darkness as the security light snapped off from lack of movement.
“I just... need to see stuff.” I looked over my shoulder toward the driveway.
“All right. You need a lift?” He let go of my arm.
I stared at him for a few beats. I was running away. He shouldn’t be helping me. Then again, a dude that wore nail polish was probably used to doing things differently than expected. “Aren’t you gonna rat me out to your parents?”
I squinted as I tried to ascertain his motives.
“Nah. I’m an insomniac, and sometimes they don’t need to know everything.” He tucked his pack of cigarettes into the pocket of his gray sweatpants. He jingled some keys and pulled them out. “Seriously. Where do you want to go?”
It would be a hell of a long walk from Poughkeepsie to my city apartment. Well, someone’s city apartment. My stamina was way better than it had been, but I’d probably be sleeping on the streets. And it was chilly. “All right. But don’t fucking kidnap me back to here or anything.”
Austin’s wry smile was comforting. “Darling, I’m not into snitching on people.”
He motioned with his head in the direction of the curb where his car was parked. I followed him, both of us walking on the perimeter of the driveway so as to not set off the lights again.
When we opened the car doors, he whispered again, “Don’t close them yet. Dad has like supersonic hearing. I think he was bit by a radioactive hearing aid when he was a kid or something.”
“This isn’t your first time sneaking out.” No one was this good at driving without headlights unless they did it on the regular.
“Like I said, I don’t sleep.” After we were a block or so away, Austin shut his door and I did the same. “Where to?”
“I want to go home, so head to the city.” I turned to see his reaction, but it was impassive. “Please.”
_______________
About halfway home, Austin pulled off and got gas in his car. I was mostly quiet for the first part of our ride. I got out and stood next to him as he pumped.
“So why tonight? What set you off?” Austin watched the digital reading on the display.
“Nothing really. I mean, your family seems nice and all, but I had a place... A different life, you know?” I looked around me. The place was pretty deserted. We could see the clerk in the store.
“I bet. I can’t imagine getting put in someone else’s house. Right out of the hospital.” The pump popped from the tank being full. “You hungry? There’s a diner at the next exit that’s open twenty-four hours. I’m fucking starving.”
“Nah, I’m good.” My stomach audibly rumbled.
“You sure? ’Cause I think your body is pulling a Winne the Pooh situation.” He lifted one eyebrow.
“I don’t have any cash.”
“This one is on me. My treat.” We both got back into the car.
“I’m not a freeloader.” Maybe I was voicing the underlying reason I was running away. Even I heard it. That and Pixie, of course. She needed me. And then I remembered everything that people told me had happened. There was an ache in my chest again. I didn’t know how to be me without her.
“You can get the next one.” He put the car in gear.
That seemed like a shitty deal for him since I was running away, but my stomach rumbled again so I decided to let it happen.
The diner was bright and fuller than I expected. It wasn’t packed, but there had to be ten other people getting a meal at three-thirty a.m.
Austin ordered for us both and maybe two other people. French toast, eggs, pancakes, hash browns, muffins, and juice.
As we started to eat, Austin gave me a chance to explain. “What are you running to?”
Such a simple question. There was something warm about this guy. Trustworthy.
“Someone.” I was not trying to get into it all in a diner booth.
“Tell me about her.” He put a thick piece of French toast into his mouth.
I sighed. I weighed the pluses and minuses with sharing this information with him. Maybe it’d feel good to talk about it.
“So I have a girl.”
“Figured as much.” He gave me a soft smile.
“We live across from each other, and we’re just... I don’t know. Best friends. But more than that. Family. But more than that. She’s just mine. And I have a chunk of time missing. I don’t know what changed for her. She knew certain things that I didn’t want out there and she told everyone. Changed everything we both know. It was a betrayal, but I still want to see her.”
“Does she feel the same way about you?” He used a knife to cut a muffin in half.
“I thought so. But you know, when someone broadcasts your deepest secret, it’s hard to know where they stand.” I took the other half of the muffin, but didn’t put it into my mouth. My stomach was starting to flip-flop.
“So after you talk to her, then what?” He took a gulp of orange juice.
I hadn’t got that far. I couldn’t get past the conversation I wanted to have with Pixie. I mean, I had a bag of stuff but no money. “I don’t know...”
Helplessness overwhelmed me. I put my head back against the pleather booth and looked at the ceiling.
“Do you know her number? Have you tried calling her?”
“Yeah. Her phone is turned off. They can’t always pay their bills.” That seemed like giving away too much. I felt bad instantly for discussing Pixie’s finances.
“Do you know if she still lives in the same place?” He was good at this. Pointed questions.
“I guess she could be gone. I don’t know.” I rubbed my temples.
“Do you know her address?” He pulled out his phone.
“Yeah. We lived on the same street.”
“It’s like another forty minutes away from here. And I don’t mind, I’ll drive, but I feel like we can plan this a little better. Maybe send her a letter?” He shrugged and put his phone away. “You don’t have to put all your eggs into one basket, you know? And if you don’t want the adults in on this, fine. I’ll help you get to her.”
I felt the disappointment of giving up. As mad as I was, I still wanted to see her face.
“You in love with her?” Straight to it. This guy was something else. I’d never told anyone that part of Pixie’s and my friendship.
“Oh yeah.” I mean, he’d already guessed.
The waitress came back with our check and a few flirty comments for Austin. He gave her sass and a once-over. Her blush gave away her delight.
He paid for breakfast and took the waitress’ not so discreetly passed phone number.
“Let’s go for a ride.” He and I climbed back into his car. We were already on a ride, but I saw what he meant when he was threading us into a residential area aimlessly.
“So tell me. Tell me what happened so you’re not alone with the information.”
He reminded me of Pixie with the straightforwardness, so I confided. I told Austin about my life. My mom dying. My father’s drinking. How Pixie had divulged my secret even though we promised each other to never do that. I didn’t share my concerns about Bic, because that didn’t seem like my story to tell.
After I had bared as much of my soul as I was willing, Austin gave me silence and time. When we pulled up at a stop sign, I looked over to see him wiping a tear, smearing his blurred eyeliner a little.
“You’ve been through some shit, my friend.” He put his hand on my shoulder. “I’m sorry.”
I stared at the floorboard, unable to verbalize how much the simple empathy meant.
“Come home with me.” He put his hands back on the wheel. “Let’s make a plan, you and me. We’ll research it and get you what you need. Be home, though. Be warm and have food and clothes. There’s no rush.”
He waited at another empty crossroads. He was right. Being half-cocked and half-assed was not going to help me move forward. “All right. Okay. Let’s go back.”
And that was how Austin became my confidant.
Chapter 32
Gaze
WE WERE MET at the front door when we got home by Ronna in a robe and Mike in pajama pants and a sweatshirt, their hair sticking up in all directions. My whole body tensed and I froze on the pathway. When adults were disorganized, I was ready for the uncontrolled. The yelling, the hitting.
Austin stopped in his tracks and turned toward me. “You all right, Gaze?”
I wouldn’t be good against two of them if they wanted to hit me. Teamwork seemed daunting, and I was pretty sure Mike was stronger than Bruce had been.
Austin turned back to his parents. “Hey, can you give us a few minutes?”
They looked concerned, but Mike offered an, “Of course,” and backed away from the front door.
“Are they going to punish us? They caught us.” I was starting to feel the need to run. In the past, I had the ramp to get to Pixie. But not here. I could run away, but then what?
“I texted them that we were leaving and I’m pretty sure Mom had hot chocolate and cookies waiting for us here. She won’t even care that we ate a full breakfast.”
“Will Mike hit us before the cookies?”
In the silence that followed my question, the late night crickets took over.
“No, man. They don’t hit us. They just love us here.” His eyes searched mine, maybe looking for understanding as my comments revealed how different our lives were.
“Okay. Okay.” I took my first steps willingly toward a perceived punishment.
But there were no harsh words, not even a reprimand. There were the quiet thanks to Austin, faces full of adoration. Ronna sat near me.
“Hey, no judgment. Just tell us how we can be better for you, how we can make it so you feel comfortable enough to stay.”
Nothing thrown, no name-calling.
“I guess I was homesick. And I know that sounds crazy considering what I came from.” I mean, I was picked up from the hospital. They knew I was fucked up.
Ronna put her hand near mine but didn’t touch me. “That sounds very human. And you’re allowed to have those feelings. If you need to visit, we’ll take you.”
“I’m good, actually. I have a plan. I’m going to write a friend and see how that goes.” It was just enough information that Ronna nodded.
“I’ll stock you up with stationery and stamps, but the offer will stand. If you need to visit, we’ll take you.”
She pushed a plate of cookies in front of me. That simple act made me feel more like crying than anything else tonight. The smallest glimpse at an alternate reality. How it was supposed to be done. My heart ached for Pixie, because I never expected it from Bruce, but she’d had that type of mothering until Bic showed up and her world was rocked out of balance.
Austin provided writing paper, envelopes, and stamps. “Hey, get your feelings out. And give her an extra envelope with a stamp and this address.”
I didn’t share with him that writing was my worst subject. My handwriting was like someone had tied a pen to the ass end of a headless chicken, but I managed. I asked Pixie why. I told her I was mad. That I missed her, too. I asked about my apartment and who lived there now. I asked about the ramp. And then I mailed it out from the Burathons’ pristine white mailbox.
I wrote another letter the next day. I told her about the Burathons and that my dad was in prison. I told her about healing and how nice the house was that I was staying in. And that I missed her.
And again, I wrote her the next day, about the amount of scaredy-ass squirrels in Poughkeepsie and that I’d made friends with a mouse in the backyard who waited for me to bring leftover food for him to nibble on. I even found an old ball of yarn and knitting needles for him to nestle with at night.
And that I missed her and the scent of her strawberry hair stuff.
I told her about getting taller. About Austin who was different but cool. I mentioned Teddi’s friends that always giggled around me, and Milt who made sure that a joy-con was charged in his room in case I wanted to game with him.
I told her about my first classes at Poughkeepsie High, and how much stronger I was than I was after the hospital. That Mike and I played basketball in the yard. I asked about Tocks and the guys, and how her classes were. I asked how her mom was and if Bic was still in the picture.
And that I missed her.
I never heard back. And after a year, I only wrote to Pixie in my head.
Chapter 33
Gaze
I’M NOT SAYING it was perfect. It wasn’t. Teddi got older, too, and her lady time came with that. She’d have really intense mood swings, and all of us guys would find a place to be for a few hours.
I spoke to a psychologist who was okay, but not a miracle or anything. Austin told me over one of his midnight smokes that he’d been to her as well when he was being bullied in middle school. Because I was only fifteen, I had to go to the pediatric psychologist instead of his good one, but once I was eighteen, I could go to his.
Austin was a senior and Milton was a junior. I was a sophomore and Teddi was in the eighth grade. Walking into school with the two of them each day reminded me of walking in with Pixie. Milt had quieter friends that were a small group of really witty guys. Austin knew everyone—the school nurse, the receptionist, freshmen, and even the maintenance crew. They all had a joke or a greeting for him or from him.
Because of my connection to them, I was accepted. Austin literally brought me to a table in the cafeteria and sat down with me my first day of school. “Trisha, Mackenzy, Bailey, Drew, and Mark, this is your new friend, Gaze. You’ve been carefully chosen because you’re friendly, funny, and not assholes. Congratulations. I give you my new baby brother. Drew and Mark are on the basketball team. Ladies and gentlemen, if anyone gives him shit, text me. Gaze’s allowed to give you my number.”
Austin stood, massaged my shoulders quickly, kissed the top of my head like I was a puppy, added his scarf from his neck to mine, and left me.
It was the perfect opening introduction because Austin was such a legend and they were thrilled to have his number.
I explained that I was a foster kid, and no one seemed surprised, so I was guessing word got out. I asked them each about themselves and we got to Bailey telling me she was on the cheerleading team before the bell rang. I pulled out my schedule, and Mark and Trisha came with me because they had class in the same direction. They explained how to get to my next class, and Mackenzy and Drew would have the next two classes with me, so I was set.
And that was the start of high school. That day I played basketball with Drew and Mark after school, and they were very excited to tell the coach about me. Austin waited with his back against the brick wall, occasionally wolf-whistling in my direction. When we broke up the game, I said goodbye to my new crew and made my way over
to Austin, who stubbed out his sneaky cigarette and kissed his friends on both cheeks goodbye.
“How’d it go?” We walked to his car. Milt and Teddi had taken the bus home because they didn’t want to hang around.
“Great. School itself sucks, but the people seem nice. And Drew and Mark think I’ll get on the team at tryouts with no problem.” I opened the side door of his vintage Mustang.
“Oh, you will. I’d bet that they’re going to snipe you up to varsity once they see what you’ve got.” He started the car and honked his horn two times on the way out.
“Man, you remind me of Pixie so much. She was able to just walk into a room and make friends with anyone.” I tapped my fingertips on the console.
“It wasn’t always this way, Buttercup. I had to fight for this. And I bet your friend did, too. They tried the hell out of me when I was younger.”
I watched as the ghost of times past veiled his eyes. I recognized that self-imposed dungeon from my memories with Bruce. I liked everyone in my new house, but Austin was on another level. I felt like I could tell him anything in the world. He had a way of just being so open, I felt safe returning that same feeling.
I was afraid I’d be lost without him when he moved out of the house someday. Of course, in my head I was moving past Bruce. Never past Pixie, but every day that moved over me made me a different person. The whole family would show up for my basketball games, and Teddi’s cheerleader friends called themselves my groupies and would do private cheers just for me. The team gave me hell about it, and I was sure it made me blush, but it was all in good fun. I saw that Teddi was still a kid and slept with a teddy bear still, so I assumed her friends were probably the same way. I was interested in playing ball mostly. And Mike was an amazing private coach. He gave me tips and techniques that really told me how good he was at the game. The pride in his eyes when I hit three pointers one after another was addictive.
Austin’s graduation party was a huge deal. The house was decorated with the year and his picture blown up huge on the front lawn. We lost track of how many people came to his party, but it felt like the whole damn school. That summer we all were picking out a vacation spot. A vacation! Some wanted Disney; others wanted a beach house stay. It was cool to see all the options laid out in brochures on the table. But soon after it was presented, the next day even, Ronna tucked all the pamphlets away. She and Mike were whispering under their breath a lot. I knew it was me. Something was happening.
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