Ben leaned back before closing his eyes. There were rustlings in the room as he dozed off. When he opened his eyes again, his family was gone, including Brenda. It was just as well. He needed sleep. Closing his eyes again, he thought about one of the main decisions he’d made during his time in jail. Could it really happen now? He’d determined to join the church after his release from jail and work to make things right with his parents and the other people in the church. Katie too, but that might prove an impossible dream. Jail had changed him, breaking him in ways that nothing had before. He’d knelt by his cot many a night, repenting of his sins and reaching out to Da Hah in prayer. And for the first time he seemed to break through. Peace filled his heart. The flood of doubts he used to have about the faith no longer came rushing into his mind.
None of his family ever knew the depths of the questions he used to carry inside. Only Katie had been told of the thoughts he’d had about the ordnung, the rules the church put such stock in. Questions about the community’s separation from the Englisha world. About the founding fathers and their lives way back in Switzerland. Katie was supposed to have brought back answers for him from her trip to Europe, but he’d ruined that expectation by his arrest.
Even worse, he now had no contact with Katie at all. His life had turned into a shameful existence. He was even bringing a physical threat upon his family. How could someone so completely mess things up? He grimaced and turned away from the light coming through the window, accepting the sleep that drew him back in.
Chapter Six
Katie paced the floor of her room. How could this be happening? She’d thought she was rid of Ben Stoll once and for all—and now she obviously wasn’t. Well, it would only be for one day. Then things could go on like they had before.
Enos Kuntz had come driving in to the family farm early, well before breakfast with the news. He’d spoken with Katie out on the front porch after Mamm had met him at the door. She’d called Katie from her work in the kitchen, and then left Katie and Enos alone. Deep concern for the situation was written on Enos’s face as he gave Katie the news about the Stoll farm events, expressing nothing but sympathy for her over the situation.
School had been called off for the day, he announced, because there’d been a shooting over at the Stoll farm late last evening. The school board didn’t wish to expose the children to danger in case the gunman was still in the area. All the children were to stay at home.
He also explained that Ben was in the hospital, a gunshot wound to his chest. He was expected to survive.
Even in her shock, Katie realized that because of agreeing to let Norman take her home after the hymn singing this Sunday, she was already being considered a part of the Kuntz family. She should be thankful…very thankful. What a change this was from a few short years ago when she’d been known as Emma Raber’s daughter—a backward and awkward girl. But no one was calling her that now.
Why was she so irritated over this situation about Ben? She should feel sorry that he’d been shot. And she did, Katie reassured herself. But Ben was like a burr from the summer hayfields that clung to your shoestrings and wouldn’t go away. He’d even had the nerve to send word through Emery Graber that he wished to speak with her. She had a right to move on with her life without Ben’s interference, didn’t she? And she wanted to! Katie continued to pace. Was she being too hard on Ben, perhaps? But what did that mean? She had nothing to do with him anymore. She didn’t want to! She knew he was sorry for what he’d done. That went without saying. She didn’t need to hear it from Ben’s lips—if that was why he wanted to see her. Beyond that, Ben had no claim on her. They never had a formal engagement or anything close to it. Her cheeks burned red with the memory of the kisses she and Ben had shared—and how she’d enjoyed them. She felt a twinge of guilt over liking kisses from a man who had betrayed her.
Norman’s hesitant face floated before Katie’s eyes. What would it be like to kiss Norman? She couldn’t imagine that happening until after the wedding vows were said. Norman was that kind of man…upstanding and steady—exactly what she wanted in a man now more than ever. Katie let the thought hang in her mind. Norman would be no Ben. She was sure of that. She couldn’t even imagine snuggling up to Norman in his buggy. He’d probably freeze up with fright and pull away. Ben, on the other hand, had moved closer, slipping his hand over her shoulder as if he had a right to have her close to him.
Katie shoved the thoughts away. She had no call to think these thoughts about Norman or Ben. They weren’t decent—comparing one man with another. Still, the memories came back insistent and demanding. He had kissed her one last time, pulling her aside that evening at the airport before she flew out of Philadelphia bound for Zurich. Her Mennonite friends Margaret, Sharon, and Nancy had teased her plenty about her rosy cheeks and lips.
Katie flopped on her bed. Confound Ben for getting himself shot and bringing all these thoughts back! He was probably lying in the hospital bed in Dover right now, hanging on to the edge of life and looking helpless and sweet. How dare Ben’s dealings reach all the way across the community and close her school? And here she was, thinking only about herself when Ben was so seriously injured and in the hospital. Well, she would pray for him. She could at least do that, Katie thought. She knelt beside the bed, but before she could get a word out, a knock came at the door. Katie leaped up, went to the door, turned the knob, and opened it to find Willis standing in the hallway.
“Yah?” Katie asked as she stared at him.
“I just heard,” Willis said, a frown creasing his face.
“Enos said Ben’s doing okay,” Katie told him, as if that settled the matter. Why was Willis at her door? Was he trying to comfort her? She didn’t need comfort or want to talk about Ben.
Willis seemed to understand her hesitation. “I…I thought…” Willis tried again. “It troubles me…that Ben wishes to speak with you and you haven’t responded. I can imagine how he feels, especially now. He lost you after all, and now he’s been shot—almost killed.”
Katie raised her eyebrows. “What are you saying, Willis?”
“I think you should visit Ben today, Katie. Let him tell you in person that he’s sorry for what happened. I’ll go with you.”
“But he’s not dying,” Katie protested, as if that were the perfect answer. Her heart pounded. Why was she having this surge of emotion at the thought of seeing Ben?
Willis didn’t appear convinced. “You never know about such things.”
Thoughts raced through Katie’s mind. Could Willis be right? He did have a kind heart, and she might be blinded by her past bitter experiences with Ben. What if Ben did take a turn for the worse, and she’d denied him the opportunity to apologize? Forgiveness was more for the asker’s benefit anyway. Katie looked into Willis’s sorrowful eyes and gave in.
“Okay, I’ll go. But you can’t leave us alone in the hospital room. You have to stay right with me.”
Willis appeared puzzled, but he nodded. “Whatever you say. I’m glad you’ve decided to go.”
Katie marched downstairs ahead of Willis and found Mamm in the kitchen. “Willis and I are going to visit Ben Stoll at the hospital.”
Mamm gasped. “But, Katie, he’s not your boyfriend any longer! You shouldn’t go. It’s not decent.”
“I’m going with her,” Willis said from the kitchen doorway. “I think she should, Emma. Ben should be allowed to say he’s sorry in person to Katie. He needs to.”
Mamm swallowed hard. “Well, I don’t know what to say. You do have a tender heart, Willis. But this is going a little too far.”
“Daett said we could go.” Willis’s words cut through the air and ended the argument.
Mamm wouldn’t go against what Jesse said, and neither should she, Katie told herself. Bitterness had apparently crept into her heart, and she should be thankful that Willis was trying to help her deal with it.
Katie found her coat in the washroom, and Mamm came out to whisper in her ear.
&nb
sp; “Katie, do be careful.”
Katie nodded as Mamm stayed at the washroom door. When she turned her head to look back, Mamm was still watching as she followed Willis across the lawn.
Was she doing the wrong thing? Katie wondered. But how could this be wrong if Jesse approved? Willis pushed open the barn door, and Leroy glanced up from the harness he was oiling. Surprised, he commented, “Going somewhere, are we?”
Willis answered. “Yah, I’m taking Katie in to see Ben.”
The surprised look changed to concern. “You wouldn’t be doing something foolish, would you, Katie?”
“She needs to speak with Ben,” Willis insisted. “And Daett said it’s okay.”
Leroy shrugged. A smile grew on his face as he helped them harness Katie’s horse, Sparky. “I hope all goes well.”
Katie nodded her thanks and followed Willis out of the barn. She held the shafts of the buggy as he guided Sparky in place. They fastened the tugs and climbed in. Willis slapped the reins gently against Sparky’s back and they headed down the lane. They turned south at the end, eventually driving past Byler’s Store, where Katie used to work. Sparky wanted to turn in, but Willis kept him on the road and clucked at him to keep up the speed.
Katie glanced into the store as they went past. Arlene was likely busy with the cash register as usual. Mrs. Cole probably had a new woman working by now, taking over where Katie had left off. Working here had consumed much of her life before Mamm had married Jesse. While at Byler’s, Katie had dreamed of Ben. On some mornings she’d even passed him on her way to work. At first he hadn’t even noticed her enough to wave. Her heart had imagined how wunderbah it would be for any girl who got to ride with Ben in his buggy. And then the opportunity had come her way, just like the miracle that it was.
But now she knew Ben wasn’t who or what she’d thought he was. He had betrayed her and so many other people, including his family and the Amish community. She was going to visit him this morning just so he could find relief from the sorrow that must be heavy on his heart. It was one’s Christian duty, wasn’t it? Offering forgiveness even if it wasn’t asked for? And Ben probably wanted to ask. Katie glanced at Willis sitting beside her in the buggy. Her new brother had been wise beyond his years to see this.
Katie hung on to the side of the buggy as they approached Dover. Willis took Sparky down the many blocks until they reached State Street. Thankfully it was the middle of the day, and traffic was light. The Amish used the Bayhealth hospital, so a buggy being driven there shouldn’t be anything unusual.
Arriving at the hospital parking lot, Willis stopped along a fence and climbed out. He tied Sparky with a rope kept under the seat. Now that they were here, the place looked much bigger than she remembered. Katie stayed close beside Willis as they found their way inside.
“Gut morning,” Willis said to a woman sitting at a large desk. “Will you give me Ben Stoll’s room number?”
“Certainly.” The woman smiled as she punched in letters on her keyboard. “Third floor, room 320.”
Moments later Katie and Willis stepped out of the elevator onto the third floor. A waiting room was off to the right. No Amish were present.
So Ben’s family must have been here and left for the day. That was gut, Katie decided. The less people who learned of this visit, the better. Thankfully, Da Hah was helping her out, making the path smooth in front of her.
Approaching room 320 with Willis behind her now, Katie pushed open the door and peered inside. It was Ben on the bed all right, although his face looked quite pale against the white pillow. He must be sleeping, she decided. Maybe they needed to wait around until he awoke? If he was injured badly, Ben needed all the sleep he could get.
Suddenly Ben’s eyes flew open, and he caught sight of Katie. His eyes grew large, and she saw hope mixed with joy swimming in them. She knew those eyes well. She clasped her hands together as she struggled with her emotions. She was here for a specific purpose only, and she mustn’t forget that.
“You’ve come!” Ben whispered.
Katie forced herself to move closer. Thankfully, Willis was sticking right by her side or she would surely have turned to run out of this room. Her pounding heart was reason enough to flee. She mustn’t fall for Ben’s wiles again. Slipping over to the hospital chair, Katie sat down as calmly as she could and folded her hands on her lap.
“I asked Katie to come with me,” Willis offered. “We’re all sorry to hear about last night.”
“Oh that,” Ben said dismissively, his gaze focusing on Katie’s face. “I’m so thankful you’ve come. I don’t deserve to see you, but I have to tell you how sorry I am, Katie, for what I did to you. It was so wrong of me. I want you to know I’ve changed my ways.” Ben struggled to sit up, but he gave up at once. His head fell back on the pillow.
“Katie understands,” Willis said, trying to help. “She forgives you or she wouldn’t have come.”
Katie knew she needed to speak for herself. She forced the words out. “I do forgive you, Ben, I really do. But things can never be the same between us. I hope you aren’t thinking such thoughts.”
Sorrow filled his face, but Ben nodded. “I will pray Da Hah heals your heart of what I have done.”
Now why did Ben say that? Katie thought. Her heart was already healed, and she’d moved on. Obviously Ben had something else in mind when he spoke of healing. Well, Ben could pray. Prayer was always gut even when it seemed to go unanswered.
“How was your night?” Katie forced herself to speak again. “Are you going to be okay?”
Ben attempted a smile. “Difficult. But Brenda was here during the surgery. She stayed until this morning sometime. Yes, I’m going to recover.”
Silence settled in the room. Katie glanced away from Ben’s face and then back again. How helpless he appeared. So broken. He didn’t appear evil at all. Not like she’d expected or built up in her mind. How could he not be evil after what he’d done? After he’d tricked her? Was she being deceived again by his charm? Katie took a deep breath and gathered herself together. “We’d best be going. There’s no school today because of the shooting, but there’s always work around the house.”
“Take care then,” Willis said, giving Ben a smile. “We’ll all be praying for your quick recovery.”
She should say the same thing, Katie thought. She did wish Ben well. But the words stuck in her throat. She wanted to give him a goodbye hug right now, but that was out of the question. Katie turned and quickly followed Willis out of the hospital room. Perhaps it would have been wise, Katie thought, if she’d visited Ben in jail. Surely there she would have seen the evil in him. Then she’d be spared the current of confusing emotions coursing through her. But she hadn’t, so this was the way to get it done. Now, in a few days when Norman drove her home, he could have her full attention. What a relief that would be—finally putting Ben Stoll behind her for gut.
Chapter Seven
Willis drove Sparky out of town some ten minutes later, allowing the horse to settle into a steady trot. Katie sat beside Willis as wild thoughts rushed through her head. What in the world was wrong with her? Never in her wildest dreams had this been the expected outcome of this trip. She was thinking gut thoughts of Ben after seeing him in his hospital room. He’d appeared so humble and broken, lying helplessly on that bed. How could she feel this way? She was finished with him. He simply could not be trusted. He was a charmer and a bewitcher of the heart—of her heart. Nothing gut had come out of their relationship. How could anything gut come out of it from here on out?
Katie almost groaned out loud. What was she going to tell Mamm when she got home? Mamm would know how she was feeling. There was no hiding this from her discerning eyes. Willis didn’t seem to notice as he casually held the reins while seated beside Katie. This was a breach of the highest order, Katie realized. Yes, she had to admit her heart was still pounding from the sight of Ben. How could this be? She’d even been tempted to hug Ben before they left! The shame of it b
urned up and down her neck.
What would happen if Norman found out she still had feelings for Ben? To say nothing of his daett. And Norman planned to drive her home on Sunday night! She couldn’t change that. And she didn’t really want to…did she? What a horrible mess! Why had she allowed Willis to talk her into this visit? If she’d just stayed home, everything would have been okay. Ben might eventually have come to church, but her reaction would have been different there. It was seeing him so helpless that did this to her heart. That was the answer. It had to be.
Willis drove past Byler’s, and Katie glanced in. Perhaps she should ask Willis to stop for a minute so she could speak with Arlene. They’d always shared things during hard times. Should she? Katie almost spoke up when she realized that Willis would want an explanation. She couldn’t tell him what was going on in her heart. Arlene probably wouldn’t be sympathetic anyway. She was still in rumspringa, and she might delight in hearing that Katie still had feelings for Ben Stoll even after what he’d done. Reuniting with Ben would fit Arlene’s sense of adventure and daring. Arlene had never once said anything negative about Ben since his arrest. Not even when Katie had expressed her bitter heartache.
Nearing the turnoff toward home, Willis pulled back on the reins, slowing Sparky to a steady walk. Another buggy was coming their way, and Katie forced a smile as Bishop Miller’s frau, Laura, passed them. Laura smiled back, but Katie wondered if she’d be so friendly if she knew where Katie had just been. Or worse, if she knew how Katie felt after just seeing Ben.
What am I going to do? Katie wondered. And this time there was no fleeing to the Mennonites for relief. She was an Amish church member now, and she would have to face her problems straight on. Well, she would confess this matter to Mamm when she arrived home. That would be embarrassing, but the right thing to do. And Mamm wouldn’t give her away, and she might even have some gut advice. Like how Katie was supposed to act on Sunday night with Norman when she knew her heart still thought it was attracted to Ben.
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