A Moment Like This

by Anita Notaro

  ‘I don’t know,’ I answered truthfully. ‘It’s like I’m in a dream. Sometimes I feel the nerves and then … well, they just go again. It’s as if it’s too late to be nervous, do you know what I mean?’

  She nodded. ‘I know. Now, close your eyes … great. I’ll just apply some of this lovely gold that Colette gave me,’ she said dryly.

  ‘Oh, she got to you,’ I joked.

  ‘Ha. You could say that. You know, it’s funny you should say that about the nerves, I had that lovely singer here the other week … what was her name, Judy?’ she yelled over to the other make-up girl.

  ‘Leona Lewis.’

  ‘Oh, yeah, Leona Lewis. Lovely girl.’

  ‘Leona Lewis?’ I nearly jumped out of my chair. ‘She’s a huge star!’

  ‘Yes, but you wouldn’t know it. She’s really unaffected and natural. And anyway, she wasn’t always a star,’ Valerie said calmly. ‘She was just like you once, you know. A real girl next door until she won Britain’s Got Talent.’

  ‘I think it was The X Factor,’ I said.

  ‘Yeah, whatever, but fame hadn’t changed her one bit, sure, it hadn’t, Judy?’

  I found it amusing that she couldn’t even remember what show Leona Lewis had won. Mum and I had watched every single episode of that season’s The X Factor. I’d had to make dinner early so we could sit down and watch the whole thing from start to finish. Now I wondered if it was because, secretly, we’d both thought that one day that could be me. It is, Mum, I said silently. It is me.

  Judy was shaking her head. ‘Nope, she was really down to earth. Like you, Antonia.’

  ‘That’s right. You’re so fresh and natural. That’s what people like about you. They look at you and think it could be them. And that you can be famous and still be yourself,’ Valerie said.

  ‘Hmm,’ I said, non-committally. Because the truth was, I wasn’t myself, not really. And if I wasn’t myself now, what chance might I have if I won the thing? ‘BITCH …’ the words of the text flashed into my mind, before I shook my head. ‘I can’t even think about winning, Valerie.’

  ‘Oh, you’d better think about it. You’re the hot favourite, do you know that? Sure, I had Maurice Prendergast here only half an hour ago, and I asked him who he thought would win, and do you know what he said?’ Valerie was standing, her hands on her hips, a make-up brush clamped between her teeth.

  I shook my head.

  ‘He said if he were a gambling man, he’d put all his money on you. So there,’ Valerie said. ‘And now, you look gorgeous.’

  She turned me round to look in the mirror and I gasped. Colette had been right, the gold was perfect: dramatic and rich. I looked like an Egyptian princess. ‘And you think I’m just being myself,’ I joked to Valerie, ‘looking like this.’

  ‘It’s what’s inside that’s real,’ she said. ‘People see that, Antonia, and they like it.’

  ‘Quite the philosopher, aren’t you?’ Judy said from across the room, ducking as Valerie threw the brush at her.

  ‘My work here is done,’ Valerie said, helping me out of the gown which covered my dress. ‘Now break a leg, Antonia,’ she said. ‘Make me proud.’

  ‘I’ll try,’ I said. And I would, I thought. I’d make them all proud of me.

  Even though I was in the final, it was still an amazing experience. Celtic TV had pulled out all the stops, and every Irish star was on the show. Sitting in the green room, watching on the monitor, I felt for a few moments that I was at home in front of the TV, enjoying the spectacle, instead of here, at The O2, about to sing in front of twenty thousand people. A fabulous dance troupe from Cork, who’d got to the semis, had been called back to do a number and, not for the first time, I wished that I could dance. I might be able to sing, but I knew that I had two left feet and felt faintly envious as I watched them strut their stuff on the stage. They were all so talented, I thought – who on earth was I to have got through to the finals? Sometimes I felt like an impostor. And then, for some reason, I thought of Amanda. What would it be like for her, sitting at home watching dancers like this, when it could so easily have been her? How I missed having her here with me, cracking jokes.

  I was relieved that Damien was on first, because I loved listening to him. He wrote all his own songs and I was dying to do more of my own songwriting. I could play the piano and had begun to pick out a few tunes, because I knew that it was really important to write my own material. Lots of people had good voices, but original songs – that was another matter. Damien was really charismatic, too, and a funny, cheeky guy, and I had to admire the way he was able to stand out there on stage with nothing but a guitar and entertain thousands of people. I needed the orchestra around me: it made me feel much more secure.

  Of course, this time, I found it hard to concentrate. I swallowed the lump in my throat which seemed to have got bigger and bigger, and shook my hands out to calm my nerves. Tentatively, I tried a few scales while I was waiting for Karen to bring me backstage, and was relieved to find that I could still sing. Ever since I’d had that cold, I’d been paranoid about losing it on stage in front of everyone, friends and fans. I thought of the Glenvara gang, sitting there in the audience, waving and cheering, and then I thought of Mum. They were all rooting for me, and all I had to do was what I always did: let the song carry me with it.

  ‘Mum, if you’re up there, wish me luck,’ I murmured.

  And then, the next thing I knew, Karen was touching me on the arm. ‘Ready?’

  I nodded but couldn’t speak, and just let her lead me to the backstage area, where I watched as Aaron took the stage. It was my turn next, and I waited for him to do his piece, to cue me in, but Karen shook her head. ‘Not yet. Another ten, OK?’

  I nodded, surprised, and turned my attention to Aaron, who bounced on stage with his usual enthusiasm. ‘And now, everyone, I know you’re all waiting for the lovely Toni Trent to make her appearance and blow us all away with that voice, but before we do, we have an extra special surprise. Will you please welcome on to the stage … Jude!’

  My heart was in my mouth. Jude were Ireland’s biggest boy band, winners of the last That’s Talent!, who’d gone on to have a massive career with three number ones in a row in Ireland and had just broken into the UK top ten. The audience roar was deafening as they swept past me on to the stage, all boyish energy and slick charm. Follow that, Antonia, I thought to myself, as they bounded into their latest hit, a bouncy, upbeat number that had the audience on its feet. They were fantastic, I had to admit it, and I was absolutely dreading going on after them. I’d have to put on one hell of a performance, I reckoned. Feel the fear, Antonia, I said to myself as the number drew to a close.

  The boys bounced back off the stage, throwing kisses to the screaming girl fans. I clutched my chest, feeling the nerves circling, ears ringing with the roar from the audience. The lead singer, Graham, bounded towards me like an eager puppy, his hair slick with sweat. I edged back to let him past, but instead he leaned over and planted a kiss on my cheek. ‘Good luck, Toni, we think you’re deadly.’ He grinned.

  ‘Thanks,’ I managed, feeling the laughter bubble up inside me. What would Niall make of it, me being kissed by a seventeen-year-old? I stifled a giggle, in case Karen thought I was entirely mad, laughing before the biggest performance of my life. I tried to compose myself, shaking the tension out of my hands and feet, shuffling from foot to foot, feeling the sweat breaking out on my forehead. It was nearly my time. My time to shine.

  Aaron was warming the audience up again, but I could barely hear him for the roaring in my ears. ‘If you think that was spectacular, here’s the nation’s sweetheart, the girl we’ve all taken to our hearts over these past few weeks, with her version of Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You”. It’s Toni Trent!’

  I stopped for a second, hovering, taking in, dazedly, that Aaron had called me ‘Toni Trent’ for the first time. Then I felt Karen’s hand in the small of my back. ‘Off you go, Toni, hurry!’ I’d
long since learned that the timing on the show was split-second, and if I missed my cue, chaos would result, so I practically ran on to the stage, praying I wouldn’t fall over in my high heels. I trotted over to the spot in the centre of the stage, and felt the lights hot on my face. The audience was a blur beyond the footlights, the orchestra just to my right. I stood there, waiting for the applause to die down, feeling like a small child in the middle of the vast stage.

  Maurice Prendergast was in good humour. He smiled at me and said, ‘Well, well, Toni. Here we are. On the brink of fame. How does it feel?’

  I blinked for a few seconds, before collecting myself. Even Maurice was calling me ‘Toni’ now. ‘Well, Maurice, it’s nerve-racking, but I can only do my best.’

  He nodded. ‘But you’re still prepared to take on Whitney Houston. That takes guts. Some would say it’s foolish, even.’ He was being mischievous, I knew that, and I had to hold my nerve. Some people thought all of this was scripted, but he always caught me on the hop. He liked to keep contestants on their toes. We all hated it, but we respected him because he knew what he was doing.

  ‘Maybe,’ I said, more confidently than I felt, ‘but I’ve been working hard on it all week, and I’ll give it my best shot.’

  He smiled at me thinly. ‘Well, you’ve been under a lot of pressure. People have been expecting great things from you. How have you been coping?’

  I looked at him blankly. Why didn’t he just let me get on and sing the song? I took a deep breath. ‘You know, I’m nervous, really nervous, but I can feel a lot of support in the room tonight.’

  And I nodded towards the audience as they screamed back at me. Some of them were standing in their seats, waving madly and shouting, ‘Come on, Toni!’

  ‘And really,’ I continued, ‘the only thing I can do is sing the song and hope that you like it.’ I thought of the gang from Glenvara, somewhere out there, but most of all, I thought about Niall, how he’d come to every single show, organizing changes in his roster to sit and support me, even though I knew he thought the whole thing was madness. I’d do it for him, I thought now, him and Mum.

  Maurice nodded at me, and I opened my mouth on the low notes, feeling my voice gathering strength as the song took off, the orchestra swelling behind me. I could feel the audience responding slowly but surely. Of course, I couldn’t see anyone, but I could feel it, a wave of support which buoyed me up, carried me along to the final chorus. The song was a huge number with a swooping chorus, and we’d discussed ending on a top note, but in the end had opted for a hushed, muted conclusion, and as it drew near, I realized that it had been the right choice. I’d brought the audience with me as I whispered the closing notes.

  I stood there, head bowed, microphone in my hand, down by my side, and I thought, That’s it. It’s all over. I took a huge breath and exhaled, and all the stress and tension of the past few weeks seemed to leave me. There was a second’s eerie silence in the hall, during which you could have heard a pin drop, and then the place erupted. The audience was standing on its feet, a roar of applause rippling up to the back of the stadium, and then the judges were standing, too, and Mary Devine had tears pouring down her cheeks.

  I had no idea what to do. I just stood there, and said, ‘Thank you, thank you,’ over and over again. I wasn’t sure who I was thanking: the judges, the audience, my friends, or Mum. Maybe all of them. Because it was truly the greatest moment of my life. It didn’t matter now whether I won or not, because I’d had this experience. I’d understood what a true performance could mean, and how it could make people feel. There was absolutely nothing better than that. I looked up and mouthed, ‘Thanks, Mum,’ and bowed quietly and waited for the thunderous applause to die down. And then Aaron was walking across the stage, enveloping me in a huge hug.

  ‘Well, Toni, that was the performance of a lifetime, and with all the pressure you’ve been under this week, it took real guts. Well done,’ he said, trying to shout above the din of the audience.

  The verdict of the judges only surprised me. Maurice Prendergast said to me, as I stood there in the centre of the stage, ‘Do you know what, Toni? You look and feel like the real deal. A star is born.’

  Michael Smyth nodded. ‘I couldn’t agree more,’ he said.

  And Mary Devine clutched her hands to her chest and said, ‘After last week, Toni, I had to admit I doubted you. I thought that you hadn’t got the feeling for the big moment. But now I see how wrong I was. You’ve got it in spades. You are going to be a huge, huge star … well done.’

  The applause was deafening, and my ears rang as I walked off the stage, remembering my manners, to wave and smile, my knees like jelly. I wanted to see my gang, to get a hug from Sister Monica, to have Bridget say something outrageous. And most of all, I wanted Niall: to feel his arms around me. To feel safe again.

  Karen was the first to greet me backstage, hugging me as I stumbled off. ‘That was just amazing, Toni. Well done.’

  I nodded, unable to speak.

  ‘C’mon, let’s find the gang for you.’ Clipboard in hand, she led me down the corridor to the green room, steering me through the banks of photographers. ‘Later, guys. There’ll be a press conference and you can take all the photos you want then, OK?’

  ‘Toni, is there any truth to the rumour about you and Damien?’ one journalist shouted, pushing a microphone in my face.

  I stopped for a second, baffled. ‘Ehm—’ I began, before Karen interrupted.

  ‘No questions, understand? You’ll get your chance later.’

  I looked at her, bewildered, as she led me into the green room. ‘What’s this about me and Damien?’

  She looked doubtful, shaking her head. ‘God, I don’t know. Don’t worry about it now, for goodness’ sake – you have the rest of the show to do, and two more costume changes, so forget about it.’

  She sounded really hassled, and I blushed in shame. ‘Sorry, I know you have other things to be thinking about right now …’

  Karen’s look softened. ‘No, it’s fine, but you’re going to have to get used to this, Toni,’ she said to me gently.

  ‘Get used to what?’

  ‘The gossip and rumour. Most of it won’t be true, but you won’t have any easy way to prove that, so you’ll have to develop a thick skin, I’m afraid. But don’t think about that now. It’s not the time, OK? And I’ll take care of you, don’t worry.’

  I shrugged my shoulders and smiled. ‘Sure, I know how it works, Karen. And it’s fine, really.’ I thought of the text again, ‘BITCH …’ But I hadn’t tripped over my silly shoes, had I? I’d given the performance of my life instead.

  ‘That’s the spirit.’ Karen grinned. ‘Now, let’s get you to the gang, so you can relax for a bit.’

  The door of the green room opened, and I saw a blur of excited faces. And then I was enveloped in a sort of group hug, as Betty, Bridget, Sister Monica and Billy all congratulated me.

  ‘That was amazing, Antonia, just out of this world,’ Bridget said, and there were tears pouring down her face.

  ‘Oh, Bridget, don’t cry,’ I said. ‘You’ll set me off.’ And before long I was crying, too, all the tension of the past few weeks pouring out of me.

  ‘There, there, pet, let it all out,’ Bridget was saying, rubbing my back. ‘You’ve done us proud, do you know that?’

  I sniffled into her shoulder and sobbed. ‘I can’t believe it … it’s all done. Finished …’ and then I cried again.

  I could hear Betty beside Bridget now, patting and stroking my hair. ‘You’re right, pet. All done now, and it’s in the lap of the gods.’

  At which Bridget snapped back, ‘Do you have to be so fatalistic? Antonia’s given the performance of a lifetime, and here you are talking about gods and rubbish like that. Can’t you be a bit positive, woman?’

  Oh God. They were off again. Sure, Bridget thought Betty was an uptight snob, and Betty thought Bridget was an attention-seeking show-off, but it was the last thing I needed. Where was Ni
all when I needed him? I turned to look for him, and then he was beside me.

  ‘Ladies, let’s try to stay calm for Antonia’s sake, shall we?’ he said in a tone which brooked no objection.

  ‘Of course,’ Bridget was the first to say. ‘I’m sorry, Antonia, we just both want the best for you. Don’t we, Betty?’ She stood, arms crossed, and shot Betty a glare.

  ‘Of course we do, Bridget,’ Betty shot back grimly, arms folded.

  I had to fight the urge to laugh, in spite of my tears.

  ‘And now, ladies, if you don’t mind, I’d like to give my girlfriend a hug,’ Niall said, pulling me towards him, enveloping me in his arms, and murmuring, ‘Well done, you,’ into my ear, over and over again. He felt warm and solid, and I held on to him tightly, willing him not to let me go.

  ‘Aww, isn’t that just lovely? Could do with a bear hug myself,’ I could hear Bridget say in the background.

  ‘Sure I’d give you one, Bridget, only I’d be scared you’d crush me to death,’ Billy was joking.

  ‘You should be so lucky,’ Bridget retorted.

  After a while, Niall held me at arm’s length and smiled. ‘You did it.’

  I nodded. ‘I did it.’

  ‘What was it like?’

  ‘I can’t describe it. Oddly calm, I suppose,’ I responded. Really, I had no idea what to say to him in response. I couldn’t explain to him just what it had been like: the lights, the tension, the audience. Maybe later, but now I was still shell-shocked.

  ‘There, there,’ Sister Monica was beside me now, patting me on the back. ‘You’ve done all you can now, love.’

  ‘I know,’ I said, accepting her proffered tissue and dabbing at my tears. ‘It’s just, it feels weird that it’s finally all over, after all these weeks.’

  ‘I know,’ she said soothingly. ‘And it’ll take you a while to come back to earth, but you gave that performance everything, and you should be proud of yourself, no matter what happens. You know, I can’t believe you’ve come so far. Think about it, Antonia. Just a few weeks ago, well …’