A Moment Like This

by Anita Notaro

  ‘Sorry about the delay, guys, the director wanted to try a few things. So we’ll have Toni first and then we’ll call you, Damien, OK?’ Sharon said.

  As I got up, Damien grabbed hold of my hand. ‘Hey, remember our date?’

  I was flustered. ‘Oh, sure … well, we’ll see what happens after the gig.’ Then I realized they were all smiling at me, and I blushed again.

  Karen came to the rescue this time. ‘C’mon, Toni, we’ll make our escape from this charmer. You’d want to be careful of him, you know,’ she joked.

  ‘You’re just jealous.’ Damien grinned, and winked at us both. I was totally mortified. What on earth would Niall think of this if he ever got to hear of it?

  ‘He really likes you.’ Karen was smiling.

  ‘I have a boyfriend,’ I said, more sharply than I’d intended.

  ‘Oh, of course. Sorry, Toni, I didn’t mean to offend.’

  I turned to her and put a hand on her arm. ‘I know that, Karen, but it’s just … all of this is completely overwhelming, not to mind Damien. I can’t deal with it all,’ I said. Really, I was thinking of Amanda and of Niall, and whether our relationship was ruined.

  ‘You poor thing,’ she soothed. ‘Well, just ease yourself into the number and you’ll be flying, OK?’

  As usual, singing gave me the confidence I didn’t have in real life. The rehearsals went well. They were even fun, as the exacting director, a woman called Melanie – with bright red hair pulled into a tight knot and severe, black-framed glasses – put me through my paces. Every time I thought I’d given my best, she asked me to sing again, until my throat felt hoarse. ‘I need a bigger sound, Toni,’ she kept saying. I knew what she was getting at. It would need to be pretty big for Wembley Stadium, and I nodded, forcing myself to relax, to really open my diaphragm and sing from the pit of my stomach, as Eithne had taught me to. Slowly, I improved. ‘Good, good,’ Melanie said, until she was finally satisfied with me.

  ‘God, she was a bit of a dragon,’ Karen said, as I was led back to my dressing room after the rehearsal.

  I shook my head. ‘Actually, I enjoyed it. I feel I’m really stretching myself here. It’s a whole new standard for me, and it’s brilliant.’

  ‘Well, great,’ Karen said warmly. ‘Good for you for rising to the challenge. Roll on Wembley!’

  In the end, Melanie put us through rehearsals for the entire week, before deeming us ready for the concert on the Saturday night, New Year’s Eve. Sharon had even dragged her along to my dressing room to hear me and Damien sing together, and she agreed that we were ‘cute’. ‘You make a nice couple. We’ll see if we can make room for you, but only if the song’s really polished. Keep practising.’ With a half-smile, she was gone.

  Damien punched the air. ‘Fan-bloody-tastic!’ And then he grabbed me and swung me around the room. ‘We are about to be very famous, Toni, with a song we wrote off our own bat. Aren’t you even a bit pleased?’ And he looked at me with those puppy-dog eyes.

  ‘Of course I’m pleased,’ I said, grinning from ear to ear. ‘I’m ecstatic, in fact.’ And I hugged him, inhaling that peppermint-aftershave smell. He wasn’t like Niall, who was clean and freshly scrubbed, but never wore aftershave. I liked Niall better.

  ‘And we’ll be able to celebrate tomorrow night. Remember our date?’

  ‘Sure,’ I said. I’d been hoping that he’d forgotten, because I was going to ring Niall and ask if he could make the concert. I hadn’t been able to reach him for three whole days in this place – his phone had always gone to voicemail when I’d tried it – and in the end I’d managed a hasty text in the cab on my way back to my hotel the previous night. ‘Rehearsals really full on, but worthwhile. Hope work OK for you. Can you make it to the concert on Sat night? Would really love you to come. Toni xx.’ It was only once I’d sent it that I realized: I’d signed myself Toni, but to Niall I was Antonia. I’d promised him I wouldn’t change, not one bit. I bit my lip with anxiety.

  On the Saturday morning, I got a one-line reply. ‘I’ll be on the 4 p.m. flight. Have hotel booked. Will call you when I get in.’ And nothing else. No ‘love’. He hadn’t even signed it. My heart sank. He must have read the newspaper piece, then. But still, I reasoned, he was coming, and that was the important thing. I’d have to tell Damien not to overdo it, or Niall would get the wrong message and I’d be in trouble again.

  Even though the Saturday was manic, with a photocall for the Wembley gig, and a whole raft of press interviews, I was on edge, waiting to hear from Niall. All morning I kept looking at my mobile, until Karen said, ‘It won’t ring if you stare at it continually, you know.’

  ‘I know.’ I sighed. ‘I’m waiting for a call, that’s all.’

  ‘The doctor?’

  I nodded. ‘I haven’t spoken to him since the tabloid story. I’ve been trying to, but he never picks up. I’m really nervous, Karen.’

  ‘He’ll understand, Toni, honestly. He must know what this business is like, how ruthless it can be.’

  I shook my head. ‘He doesn’t, Karen. He thinks it’s all just nonsense, full of people with egos.’ Or people who were so jealous, they wanted to destroy you, I thought.

  ‘I doubt it, somehow, Toni. After all, he’s going out with you, isn’t he? And you’re a performer. I’ll bet he understands better than you think.’

  I nodded. ‘Maybe you’re right. I suppose I’ll find out later.’

  ‘Look, I don’t know him, but everything I’ve seen of him makes me think he’s one of the good guys. So give him a chance, will you?’ She looked at me kindly.

  ‘Me, give him a chance?’ I laughed. ‘Don’t you think it’s the other way around?’

  Karen smiled. ‘I don’t, actually. You’re assuming you know what he thinks. And you don’t. So I’m just suggesting that you let him tell you what he thinks, before jumping to conclusions.’

  I swallowed hard. ‘You’re right. Thanks for the advice, Karen.’

  ‘You’re welcome. I charge a small fee,’ she joked, and then she looked at me more seriously. ‘And look out for that Damien, will you? He’s a chancer.’

  I blushed. ‘I know, but he’s only messing, and I’ve really enjoyed singing with him.’

  ‘That’s great. And your voices really work together, but he’s a bit of a bad boy, so be careful, will you?’

  ‘I’m perfectly capable of looking after myself,’ I said, so huffily that Karen burst out laughing.

  ‘Toni, you are a complete innocent, do you know that?’

  ‘You know, you’re not the first person to say so,’ I said ruefully.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ she said.

  ‘No, you’re right, but I’m learning,’ I said. And as I spoke the words, I realized that they were true. I was growing in confidence every day, in spite of everything. After all, Amanda’s texts hadn’t stopped me, had they? I felt strong now in a way I never had before. The competition had given me that. Who would have thought, just over three months ago, that I’d be getting ready to sing at Wembley Stadium? Sometimes, when I thought of the days and weeks after Mum died, I could hardly believe I was the same girl.

  ‘What are you thinking?’ Karen interrupted my thoughts.

  ‘It’s just, I feel so much more confident than I used to …’ I began.

  ‘You are,’ Karen said. ‘I can’t believe you’re the same shy girl who came to the auditions. But you aren’t tough, Toni, and you need a really thick skin for this business, so you need to be careful, OK?’ She patted my hand.

  I nodded solemnly. ‘I will be.’

  ‘And stick with Niall. He’s a good guy, and he’ll keep you steady. Damien … well …’

  ‘Karen, I’m not interested in Damien,’ I moved to reassure her.

  ‘But he’s interested in you. And he’ll wear you down with his persistence. And sometimes his motives … well, they leave something to be desired.’ She looked at me darkly.

  I was baffled. Karen was talking in riddles, but I was saved
from asking anything when the taxi pulled up at the rehearsal space for the final run-through. She put her hand on my arm. ‘Just watch out, Toni, won’t you?’

  23

  IN THE END, it wasn’t Damien I had to look out for. He was a chancer, Karen was right, but he wasn’t a bad guy, I could see that. She thought he was trying to piggyback on my success, and maybe she was correct, but what was really so wrong about that? And we sounded good together: we clicked as singers. No, in the end, the threat didn’t come from Damien, nor even Amanda, but from someone else, someone who made Damien look like the naughty schoolboy he was. But Karen was right in one sense, I wasn’t as tough as I thought I was. I didn’t have a thick skin for the dark side of this business, and I found out in the worst possible way.

  All that afternoon, I was distracted, glancing constantly at my mobile, until Melanie had to take me to one side. ‘Everything OK, Toni?’

  I tried to look in control, calm. Melanie didn’t like panickers. ‘Oh yes, everything’s just fine.’

  She looked at me closely. ‘Good, because I’m going to go with that duet between you and Damien, so I want to be sure that you think you can pull it off.’

  I could hardly believe what she was saying. Not only was I doing a solo, but I was getting the chance to perform original material, which is what I’d always wanted to do. I could show the world that I was more than just a cover singer. I was so astonished that I couldn’t think of anything to say for a moment, my mouth hanging open like a goldfish, until Melanie shot me a glare.

  ‘You sure you’ll be up to this?’

  ‘Yes, yes, I mean, of course, Melanie. I won’t let you down.’

  She smiled at me thinly. ‘Good. Find that Damien and start practising and I’ll try you out again in an hour.’ And with that, she was gone, leaving me gobsmacked.

  ‘She likes you,’ Karen joked.

  ‘I’d hate to see her if she didn’t.’

  ‘Ha ha. Go and find Damien, quick.’

  Damien was nearly hysterical with excitement when I told him, lifting me up and swinging me around the dressing room, before planting a smacking kiss on my lips. ‘Fan-bloody-tastic!’

  ‘It’s the song that matters,’ I said, when I’d got my breath back.

  ‘Yeah, yeah, whatever.’ He grinned, but then, catching my expression, he was serious for a moment. ‘You’re right. If the song was crap, we would not be singing it at Wembley Stadium, but we sing it well, you’ve got to give me that. This could be the start of something beautiful!’ And he gave me that charming, mile-wide smile again.

  He’s flirting with me, I thought, and I burst out laughing. ‘Maybe, Damien. Let’s just concentrate on the song for the time being.’ And I gave him a playful shove on the shoulder.

  ‘You’re right,’ Damien nodded, suddenly all business. ‘This is our big chance, Toni, and we’re going to ace it.’ I had to admit that Damien was professional when he needed to be, and I was glad to have a distraction to take my mind off things. I hadn’t heard from Niall, in spite of the fact that I’d kept my phone practically two inches from my ear all day. Oh, God, I thought, why did I never seem to do the right thing as far as Niall was concerned?

  We were harmonizing the second chorus when my mobile bleeped. I stopped dead in the middle of a note and lost my concentration. ‘Sorry, Damien,’ I said.

  ‘You’d better get that,’ Damien said, strumming away on his guitar. ‘Then we’ll pick up from the second line, OK?’

  ‘Sure,’ I agreed, reaching for my mobile, fingers trembling.

  ‘How’s life for the rich and famous? Have u forgotten us all here in Dublin? (joke). Catch up when you get back? Good luck tonite! Colette xx PS Karen tells me ur duetting with a tall dark stranger. LOL’

  I blushed and swallowed, texting back a brief ‘xx’. ‘Right,’ I said then, ‘let’s continue, shall we?’

  ‘Not from the doctor, then?’ Damien nodded at the phone.

  ‘None of your business,’ I said, so huffily he burst out laughing.

  ‘OK, Mum.’

  I shot him a glare, and we spent the rest of the practice session dutifully singing our parts, until we could feel them mesh together in the way we’d planned.

  ‘Perfect,’ Damien said, at the end of what seemed like our hundredth run-through from the top.

  ‘Yes, yes it is.’ I nodded.

  Damien put his guitar down, leaning it against a chair in the corner, as if it was a fragile and tiny baby. ‘It’s been great working with you, Toni,’ he said quietly.

  ‘And I’ve loved working with you, Damien,’ I said. ‘We should try writing something else together.’

  He nodded, but the cheeky grin was gone, replaced by a look I’d never seen before. ‘I’d love that. And there’s something else—’ he began.

  ‘Oh yeah,’ I was only half-listening, distracted by the sound of laughter and music in the corridor outside.

  ‘Yeah. I think we’re great together.’

  ‘I know,’ I said. ‘You just said that.’

  ‘Yes, but what if we really were together?’

  ‘What, you and me?’

  He grinned. ‘Well, would that be so bad?’

  I thought of Niall, of how well we fitted together, of how relaxed he made me feel, how I loved the simplicity of life with him. But would we ever get a chance to be together, with my life the way it was? It seemed more and more of an impossibility with every passing day. Maybe Damien was right.

  ‘You mean, go out together?’

  He gave me an amused look. ‘Well, look, the press loves us, and if they thought we were an item, would it really do us that much harm? And it’s not like either of us has the time for a proper relationship, is it?’

  And then the penny dropped. He wasn’t serious, of course. God, Karen had been right. He was a chancer, albeit a charming one.

  ‘Damien,’ I said, ‘I’m not going to go out with you for the sake of getting my name in the paper. Neither of us needs that.’

  ‘No, we don’t right now, but think of it, Toni, if we were together, we’d be on page one for weeks, not page two and then three, until finally we’re doing panto in Brighton. We’ve got something special, the two of us, something that can take us so far separately, but together … we’d be like Ike and Tina Turner or Sonny and Cher, or …’ he began.

  I didn’t know much about either, but I wasn’t sure they were exactly terrific examples of togetherness. And then I looked at his face, at the expression of puppy-dog enthusiasm on it. Damien was older than me, and this was probably his last chance at fame. I supposed I could hardly blame him for trying his luck. And of course it wouldn’t be ‘bad’. He was fun, and talented, and had a great sense of humour. But he wasn’t Niall.

  I smiled and shook my head. ‘Damien, I’m flattered by the offer, but I think you know what I’m going to say.’

  ‘Well, if you change your mind, I’m here.’ He stretched out his arms and gave me that cheeky grin. ‘Waiting to welcome you into my arms.’

  ‘You are completely insufferable,’ I said, and he burst out laughing.

  ‘And you have the measure of me, Toni. You might look innocent, but I think you’re actually a tough cookie, do you know that?’

  ‘Not tough, Damien. Just sensible.’ I tried to sound brave, sophisticated, but all the time I was wondering how on earth I’d got myself into this. Miss Mouse.

  Karen had been right. It was a strange world, and I’d need all my wits and a thicker skin to survive it.

  24

  OF COURSE, WEMBLEY was overwhelming, scary and fabulous, all at once. I could hardly speak for nerves, and in spite of Melanie’s drilling, kept having blank moments as I practised in my dressing room before the show. Oh, God, I thought, as the time for my performance drew near, I’m going to dry. It’s every artist’s worst nightmare and haunts them constantly, and if they say it doesn’t, they’re lying. I kept forgetting bits of the new song Damien and I had written, and having to hum it to m
yself, because the words just wouldn’t come. Finally, in frustration, I yelled, ‘For God’s sake!’ so loudly I frightened myself.

  ‘Anything I can do?’

  I turned at the sound of the voice and there he was, standing at the door. Niall. He was dressed casually in jeans and an open-necked shirt, his hair, a little longer than usual, brushing the collar of his shirt. It was sticking up on top, though, and made him look like a duck. My duck.

  ‘Niall!’ I shrieked. I ran into his arms and he enveloped me in a hug.

  He whispered, ‘I love you,’ over and over again, and I whispered it back, meaning every word.

  ‘I thought you weren’t coming,’ I muttered into his shirt, feeling the warmth of him against my cheek. I suddenly felt safe, as if nothing could go wrong, not now that he was here.

  ‘I wanted it to be a surprise, but then Karen rang me about the piece, and I thought I’d better say something, in case you thought I had the hump.’

  My heart plummeted. ‘Oh. The piece. You saw it.’

  He shook his head and gave a small smile, running his hand through his hair. ‘I didn’t, actually, because I was on shift, but one of the other doctors helpfully kept it for me to read when I came back on again on Monday.’ He winced.

  ‘Niall, I’m sorry, it wasn’t me—’ I began.

  He interrupted, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. ‘I know, you silly girl. Why on earth would you do something like that?’ And he kissed me gently on the nose.

  ‘I wouldn’t, of course, I w-wouldn’t,’ I stammered. ‘I’d never do that … it must have been Amanda, she was really upset to be knocked out, and she knows a lot of people in the media—’

  He shushed me, pulling me towards him and stroking my hair. ‘Please, Antonia, forget it. I’m a big boy and I know how the world works, OK?’

  ‘And I don’t, not really,’ I said, holding his hand in mine. ‘She’s been sending me nasty texts for weeks, and I never twigged that it was her. I trusted her, and now I feel like a child, as if I know nothing at all about anything.’