A Moment Like This

by Anita Notaro

  He nodded. ‘I know. Karen was probably right. What I did was unforgivable, and I wouldn’t have blamed you if you’d never spoken to me again.’

  I looked up at him, at the fine lines around his deep-blue eyes and knew. ‘I spent the last three months trying to pluck up the courage to ring you, but I thought you wouldn’t take my call.’

  He squeezed me tight again. ‘Never. I just wanted to give you some space, and I needed to think about what I’d done. Because it truly will never happen again.’

  ‘I know,’ I said.

  ‘Look, can I come inside?’

  I nodded. ‘I thought you’d never ask.’

  Later that day, we were both standing on top of Powerscourt waterfall again, me huffing and puffing and Niall hardly having drawn breath. We’d brought Gerry’s large lab with us, Lola, who had helpfully pulled me up the last bit.

  ‘I am really out of shape,’ I laughed, patting the dog’s head. She whined gently and licked my hand.

  ‘Well, we’ll soon sort that out,’ Niall said. ‘A few Saturday-morning hikes up here, and you’ll be right as rain.’

  I groaned. ‘There is absolutely no way you are dragging me back up this mountain, do you hear me?’

  ‘Ah, go on, you know you love it, really,’ he teased me. ‘Bet you missed it over the last few months.’

  I shook my head. ‘Not one little bit.’ But the mention of the past few months made us grow silent for a while. Eventually, Niall broke the silence. ‘Did you ever think we’d be doing this again?’

  ‘No.’ I shook my head.

  ‘I thought I’d lost you after London. And it was all my own fault.’ He stood behind me and put his hands on my shoulders, bending his head to give me a kiss.

  ‘I was too caught up in it all,’ I blurted.

  I expected him to react badly, but instead he just smiled and shook his head. ‘I’m not surprised. It’s hardly what you need if you’re the nation’s sweetheart, is it? A marauding boyfriend?’

  ‘You weren’t marauding …’ I began. ‘Niall, there was nothing going on with Damien. He’s a complete twit—’

  But he interrupted. ‘Antonia, I know that. It’s not you, it’s me. I have a temper, and I have to work really hard to control it. It used to get me into trouble as a teenager, but Mum and Dad put a lot of effort into helping me overcome it. And I did. I focused all that anger into doing positive things, like this –’ He indicated the mountains around us. ‘And my studies. But that night in London, I thought I’d gone right back to the guy I used to be. I felt that I’d lost everything. You – and that I couldn’t trust myself around the patients any more. It was scary, and I needed time to work it out. To make sure it wouldn’t happen again.’

  I didn’t say anything this time, just nodded, and he put an arm around my shoulders and pulled me towards him. ‘Antonia, do you think you could ever make room for me in your life again?’

  I swung around to face him. ‘Of course I could,’ I said indignantly. ‘It’s my fault, too, Niall. I was so obsessed with the show and the merry-go-round of it all that I just never stopped to think. I thought that being successful meant losing you, and now I see that it doesn’t. I’m in a great place, now, Niall. I’m working with really good people’ – I decided not to mention Damien just yet – ‘and my singing is really coming along. I feel as if I’ve been given a new lease of life. London wasn’t for me, Niall, I can see that now. I want to be here … with you.’

  He nodded. ‘In that case, there’s only one thing to do.’ And, taking my hand, he went down on one knee, wincing as he hit a stone in the soggy ground. ‘Antonia, you’re the love of my life. Will you marry me?’

  I was silent for a minute, in absolute shock. ‘Niall, I—’ My hands flew up to my mouth.

  ‘You don’t have to say yes, just say you’ll think about it.’

  ‘Oh, you eejit, the answer’s yes, of course.’

  ‘Oh, great, my knee’s killing me,’ he joked, pulling himself back up and wrapping his arms around me.

  ‘On one condition,’ I said, looking into his blue eyes.

  ‘Anything.’

  ‘That we don’t do it just yet. We’ve been through a lot and … well, I’m not ready. I know I’m not. I want to marry you, I promise … but when the time’s right. When we’ve got to know each other properly. Maybe you won’t want to wait, but …’

  ‘I’ll wait, Antonia. If I know you’ll marry me eventually, I’ll wait a hundred years.’ And then he pulled me to him again, and kissed me deeply, and I wondered how on earth I’d ever kissed Damien. It just hadn’t been the same. The kiss went on for a long time, until the dog, clearly distracted by a rabbit, bolted off down the mountain.

  ‘Oh, no, if we lose her, Gerry’ll kill me,’ Niall said, breaking into a run. ‘Lola, Lola, wait!’ He whistled and called as he ran, with me staggering along behind him, out of puff after a hundred yards.

  ‘I am never doing this again, do you hear?’ I yelled after him.

  ‘You love it really,’ he threw over his shoulder, and I stood there and laughed until my stomach hurt.

  32

  One year later

  ‘BRIDGET, WILL YOU ever hurry up with that bunch of Irises?’ Betty was yelling as she made her way gingerly along the track towards the waterfall. She was dressed head to toe in pale lilac, a purple fascinator at a jaunty angle on her head, which was a mass of tightly permed grey. ‘Just like that Kate Middleton,’ she’d said, when I’d complimented her on it. ‘They were all the rage at the royal wedding.’

  ‘You look wonderful, Betty,’ I said now, trying to distract her from her anxiety about Bridget, who’d promised to bring the bridesmaids’ bouquets up with her. ‘Any man’s fancy, as Mum used to say.’

  Betty looked chuffed and embarrassed at the same time. ‘Well … you told me to mix the practical with the glamorous, because of the location, and I’ve tried my best.’ She looked ruefully down at her sensible walking shoes. She shuffled along beside me, huffing and puffing, and I could see that she was trying not to complain, to ask why we’d decided to have our wedding at the top of a waterfall, of all places.

  Bridget hadn’t been as reticent, of course. ‘You just have to be different, don’t you?’ she’d said. ‘All that singing has turned you into some kind of New Age hippy. What Father O’Hanlon will say, God only knows.’ She’d only been slightly mollified when I’d told her that Father O’Hanlon would be doing the ceremony and had been delighted to be asked.

  ‘I know you have, and thanks,’ I said to Betty now, smiling at her, taking her hand, and squeezing it tight. ‘Look at what I’ve got on underneath my dress.’ I laughed, lifting the hem of my cream silk number to reveal a pair of hiking boots. ‘Niall will be pleased, anyway.’

  ‘Sure, Niall would be pleased if you turned up wearing a plastic bag,’ Betty said warmly. ‘He’s such a lovely man. I can’t believe it took you this long to marry him.’ There was a note of reproach in her voice, and I had to stifle a laugh.

  ‘Well … we could have got married sooner, I suppose,’ I agreed, ‘but it’s been such a mad year, with the album and everything. I really wanted to wait for things to calm down so that we could do it properly.’

  ‘You’re right, pet. Sure, you both have the rest of your lives to be married. If you can’t live a little first … well, you might get the seven-year itch later, or something,’ Betty said resolutely, before adding, ‘not that I’m an expert, of course, not having gone down that road myself.’

  ‘Do you regret it?’ I asked her.

  She shook her head so that the little flower on top of her fascinator wobbled. ‘No. I did for a bit, when I was younger, but now I realize it wasn’t for me. That I have other things to do in life, do you know what I mean? And I’m happy with my gardening and the choir and helping out around the place.’

  I nodded, pretending that I understood, even though I couldn’t imagine how anyone would want to get through life without love and the suppo
rt of someone beside them. Although I had to admit that I’d felt the same as Betty, just twenty months ago. If someone had told me then that, within the space of a year, I’d have fallen helplessly in love – as well as released a number-one album and toured the country – I’d have told them they were completely mad, so who was I to talk? And now here I was, making the climb up to the top of the waterfall, just as I had every free Sunday I could manage for the previous year. Except that this time, when I walked down again, I’d be married.

  I’d kept my promise to Niall, that when the time was right we’d do it, we’d tie the knot. And even though the tour was in full swing, I’d known that it had to be now. What was it Maurice had said, that when things are right, you know it? Well, that happened between a gig in Galway and Waterford, as it turned out. It didn’t matter that Niall spent every spare moment in my house anyway; I wanted to spend my entire life with him.

  Niall had been surprised at first, when I’d called him after the Galway concert, a wobble of emotion in my voice. ‘Let’s do it,’ I’d said to him. ‘Let’s get married.’

  ‘Why now? I mean, I’d marry you tomorrow, but don’t you want to wait until the tour’s out of the way?’ He’d been amused, I could tell, at my impulsiveness, but he was getting used to me now. I was still quiet – I hadn’t changed that much – but I was beginning to discover things about myself and who I was that I reckon I must have kept hidden for all those years, trying to be the kind of daughter that any mother would want. It was strange, but since Mum had died, I’d come out of my shell. Sometimes I felt guilty about it, but mostly I tried to see it as a gift she’d given to me, the ability to live my own life, to make mistakes and learn from them. I discovered that I was decisive and stubborn, and that once I got an idea into my head … well … I was like a dog with a bone, as Bridget would say.

  ‘You’ve decided, haven’t you?’ Niall had said, a tremor of laughter in his voice.

  ‘Yep,’ I agreed.

  ‘Do I have any choice in the matter?’

  ‘Not if you want to become Mr Toni Trent, you don’t,’ I’d teased him. The press were always going on about the doctor who’d captured the heart of Ireland’s singing sensation, how steady he was, always by my side. ‘Mr Toni Trent,’ they’d labelled him. To his credit, he hadn’t really minded.

  ‘Well, then. Let’s do it.’ He’d laughed down the phone.

  The choice of venue was equally easy. ‘It has to be the waterfall,’ he’d said, on one of the rare days we both had off, a week after I’d popped the question. We’d curled up in front of the fire with the papers, steaming mugs of tea and some of Betty’s fruitcake, to while away an afternoon. ‘It means such a lot to us that I couldn’t think of having it anywhere else.’

  When I’d looked startled he’d added hastily, ‘And the ceremony will be the same, I promise.’ Niall wasn’t religious in any way, and although I loved the parish choir, I wasn’t, either, though I had dreamed of a church wedding. But I did know how important it was to meet him halfway. After all, that’s what marriage is about, isn’t it? Compromise.

  ‘You are quite mad,’ I’d said to him, resting my head on his shoulder. ‘How are we going to drag Betty and Billy and Bridget up there, for God’s sake?’

  ‘We’ll take the easy route to the top, the one that loops around the back of the waterfall. It’s a much more straightforward climb,’ he’d said. Then he’d added, ‘What?’, as I’d sat bolt upright beside him on the sofa.

  ‘You mean there’s an easy route to the top of that blessed mountain, and you never told me about it?’ I’d picked up my copy of the paper and proceeded to whack him playfully over the head with it.

  ‘I thought you could do with the exercise,’ he’d said. ‘Ouch! You’re hurting me.’

  ‘Serves you right,’ I’d said, pretending to be angry, pulling hard on the newspaper as he’d tried to grab it out of my hand. ‘Give it back. It’s mine.’

  ‘How badly do you want the sports section?’ he’d joked, making a lunge for me and starting to tickle me as hard as he could.

  I’d collapsed in giggles. ‘All right, all right, I give up,’ I’d protested. ‘You know I hate tickles.’

  ‘All the more reason,’ he’d said, and persisted, until I was weak with laughter. Only then had he pulled me towards him and wrapped his long arms around me, pressing his nose to mine and looking at me with those deep-blue eyes. ‘Do you know how happy you make me?’

  ‘I can’t move my head.’

  ‘Well, do you?’

  ‘No, I mean yes. As happy as you make me.’ I’d grinned, and tried to kiss him.

  His expression had grown serious. ‘It’s been a hell of a year, hasn’t it?’

  ‘It sure has,’ I’d agreed. ‘Let’s make it a wedding to remember, shall we?’

  ‘You betcha.’

  ‘Oh, for God’s sake, woman, I’m coming.’ Bridget scuttled up behind us in her heavy tweed coat with a fox-fur stole wrapped around her neck. The stole was obviously ancient, as the fur was matted and in some places had completely worn away, the fox’s eyes a glassy brown.

  ‘What’s that?’ Betty looked at it askance. ‘And where on earth are the flowers?’

  ‘It’s a stole, Betty,’ Bridget snapped. ‘Ever seen one before? And Colette and Mary insisted on taking the irises themselves. Said they couldn’t let an old woman climb a bloody mountain with a huge bunch of flowers under each arm, unlike some people.’ Her face was bright red now, and I thought for a moment that she might have a heart attack.

  ‘Bridget, I—’ I began.

  ‘Oh, will you whisht, woman, and stop complaining? The exercise will do you good. Might knock off a few pounds,’ Betty interrupted, glaring at Bridget. I looked at Betty askance. I’d never heard her talk to anyone in this way, but then, Bridget always did get on her nerves.

  ‘Speak for yourself,’ Bridget responded. ‘At least I have a man in my life.’

  ‘OK, ladies, I think that’s enough,’ I intervened, wondering if Billy would really like to admit that he was ‘doing a line’ as he put it, with Bridget.

  ‘She railroaded me into it,’ he’d said ruefully, the one time I’d asked him about it, but I think he was secretly quite chuffed, though he hadn’t quite wanted to share it with the world just yet. And who could blame him? Bridget was scary at the best of times.

  ‘Sorry, Antonia,’ Betty murmured. ‘It’s your special day. I didn’t mean to spoil it.’

  ‘Yes, sorry,’ Bridget agreed, looking slightly crestfallen.

  ‘It’s OK.’ I laughed, pulling them both towards me. ‘I couldn’t have made it through the last two years without you both, do you know that? You’ve both been absolute rocks, and I can’t thank you both enough,’ I said, hoping that my words would smooth their ruffled feathers a bit.

  ‘Yes, well …’ Betty looked mollified, her fascinator bobbing up and down on her head again as she nodded.

  ‘Oh, for God’s sake, Betty, can’t you take a compliment?’ Bridget began, before I interrupted.

  ‘Oh, look, here we are!’

  Distracted, they both followed me to where the path evened out at the top of the mountain, and I gasped. ‘Wow, the view!’ All around us, the mountains were that rich, purple-green of spring, clumps of trees wearing bright green leaves, the waterfall from that angle just a flash of silver in the rocks. It was beautiful, and I had to stand for a few moments to drink it all in. And I knew then that we’d chosen the right place. And that Mum didn’t mind that it wasn’t in Glenvara Church. I could tell.

  The group waiting for us at the end of the path was a small one, just our families and closest friends. Well, really, Niall’s family, because, as I realized with the same jolt I always felt, I didn’t have one, at least not in that sense. What would Mum have made of this? I wondered, although of course, I knew. She would have loved every minute of it.

  All of Niall’s brothers and sisters were there, all six of them, three stunning women, Eliza
beth, Susan and Mary, with their gaggle of children, and his three brothers, Gerry, of course, and Sally, Mike, and Niall’s ‘blood’ brother, Matt. Matt was just as I’d thought he’d be: a mischievous joker with a twinkle in his eye.

  ‘So you’re marrying Niall, eh?’ he’d joked when we’d first met, when Niall had brought me home to meet his family for Sunday lunch. ‘Has he told you his deep dark secret?’

  I’d looked at Niall askance. ‘What secret? I didn’t know you had any secrets …’ I’d begun, my heart sinking. Oh, no, I’d thought, not another secret. What on earth could it be this time?

  But Matt’s lips had twitched. ‘He likes musicals,’ he’d said, and snorted with laughter as his brother mock-punched him on the shoulder. ‘You wouldn’t know it, would you? He seems quite masculine, really, but scratch the surface and he knows all the words to South Pacific.’ And he’d guffawed as Niall just rolled his eyes to heaven.

  ‘My brother,’ Niall had said, shaking his head. ‘The guy with the back so hairy no girl will even look at him,’ ducking as Matt returned with a punch of his own. They were like two little boys, mock-wrestling on the sofa.

  ‘Honestly, you two,’ Niall’s mother, Eileen, had said, coming into the living room, smoothing her hands on her apron and announcing that lunch was served. But it was clear how much Niall and Matt loved each other. Looking at them together, I’d wondered if the fact that they were actual brothers gave them a special bond. I think it probably did, maybe because of what they’d gone through together. But then Niall was close to Gerry, and when I’d met the rest of the family I’d realized that they were all the same: all confident, joking, fun. Eileen and Jim had obviously done a brilliant job with them, because it was clear that they shared a love that was rock solid.

  Sitting down with them to a huge lunch of roast lamb with all the trimmings, I’d felt a momentary pang. How I would have loved a big family like this, all gathered around the table! I’d watched them all, laughing and joking and teasing each other, passing the potatoes and vegetables, and it had been hard not to feel like an outsider. That was, until Niall’s mother had squeezed my arm. ‘Welcome to your new family, Antonia.’ And she’d smiled at me as if I was the most special person in the world. I was truly lucky to have her as a mother-in-law, I knew.