Guarded Passion

by Bonnie Dee

  “Great. I’m almost finished with a couple of my online classes, and Micah has invited me to buy into the bar. We’re thinking of opening another Roost in a different location.”

  “Really? You think the two of you can partner up without killing each other?” I pictured the knock-down, drag-out brawls that broke the furniture back when they were boys.

  “Uh, yeah. I’ve been tending at his bar for about a year. We get along okay.” J.D. paused. “I mean, he’s still Micah. He’s an ass. But as far as business is concerned, we’re on the same page.”

  “Good luck, then. I hope it works out for you.” I bit back reminders about how family members in business together could end in disaster. They were grown men now. It wasn’t my place to give any advice. And I wouldn’t ask him where he’d gotten the money for this venture. If he wanted me to know, he’d tell me.

  “How’s Leah?” I asked instead.

  A brief pause followed, and when he spoke, I could actually hear the smile in his voice. “She’s great. It’s really different living with someone. Little things bug the crap out of you, but overall you get even closer. The annoying habits and arguments make them a real person. I’m closer to Leah than ever. It’s…deeper between us now somehow.”

  I made a grunting sound I hoped sounded like agreement, but I didn’t know how having another person intruding in your life could be enjoyable.

  “You’re almost thirty, Jonah. Don’t you ever think about finding someone to share your life with?” he asked.

  “No. Not really.”

  J.D. knew me well enough not to press the issue. “Look, what I called to talk to you about is the holidays. I know we haven’t made much of them in the past, but…we’re family. We should make more of an effort.”

  He fell silent, waiting for me to say something. I had no idea what he expected.

  “So you guys want to come home for Christmas?” I asked.

  “No!” J.D. rushed to clarify. “We both have people here now. Christmas Day, Micah will be with Gina’s family, and I get to spend time with Leah’s parents suggesting ways to better myself. So I’ve got that going for me. No, I was thinking you might want to come up here for a few days. We’ll hang together. You can check out the city and get to know Leah and Gina a little better.”

  “Oh.” Last time I’d been to Chicago, our brotherly hang time had included facing mob henchmen in Micah’s bar. I didn’t really feel like driving up there again, even though I had nothing special to keep me at home. “I have a deal going on here that might come to a head right around the holidays, so…”

  “You always did choose business over family,” J.D. said drily, then he cleared his throat. “Sorry. That sounded ungrateful. I know what you did for us. We would’ve all been in foster care if you hadn’t stepped up like you did. But at some point, life’s gotta be about more than making money so you feel secure, doesn’t it?”

  I gritted my teeth. The little shit. Tossing out a two-bit analysis as if he knew anything about what made me tick. I’d never said a word about him clinging to Leah because he was afraid of being alone. Thought it. Didn’t say it. I held my tongue again.

  I answered at last. “December’s a ways off. I’ll get back to you about it.”

  “That’s fine. Whenever you want to visit. Doesn’t have to be near the holidays.”

  Awkward silence fell between us as it inevitably did.

  “Anything else new in your life?” J.D. asked.

  I thought about my cleaning lady who’d come twice since we struck our deal. When Rianna entered my house, she seemed to fill it with her presence. She wasn’t loud. She hadn’t sung since that time I’d walked in on her belting a nursery song while she scrubbed the floor, rocking her ass so rhythmically, it was mesmerizing. She did her work quietly and efficiently, then left again, but no matter how unobtrusive she tried to be, I was always aware of her every move.

  Rhiaaaannon, Stevie Nicks’s voice sang in my head. “No. Nothing much happening,” I replied.

  “That’s good, I guess.” J.D. fell silent again. “So everything’s okay with the business?”

  “Yeah.”

  “You ever think of switching it up and doing something else before…?” He trailed off. “I mean, growing and selling weed’s not legal yet. At least not in Kentucky.”

  I thought of the property I’d bought in Lexington and the work crew remodeling it into a distillery. I was up there about every other day, overseeing the project, and was considering buying a house closer to the city, though I’d miss the Craftsman I’d worked so hard to restore.

  “I gotta go. I’ll talk to you later,” I cut him off and hung up before J.D. could do any more scolding.

  I didn’t know why I couldn’t just tell him my plans or what it was that made me clam up whenever I talked to my brothers, but it was a habit so ingrained I couldn’t seem to break it.

  I put my cell phone away and sat at the desk in my office, focusing my attention on the blueprints for the distillery and the many to-do lists I’d made for myself. It was a huge undertaking, and I was more excited about this than about anything I’d ever done—except maybe buying my first home. Yet I had no one to share my excitement with. Why? What was wrong with me that I couldn’t open up about anything?

  The vacuum switched on in the other room, and my concentration was blown. The machine wasn’t loud, but I couldn’t think about supplies and vats, permits and distribution channels when my entire attention was drawn to a sound that had come to signify Rianna.

  I got up and wandered toward the kitchen to get a snack just to catch a glimpse of her pushing that vacuum over the front hall carpet. I walked slower as I observed the line of her back, the flex of muscle in her forearm as she pulled the sweeper toward her, the long stems that tapered down from her compact butt, and the little frown between her brows as she bent to pick up something from the carpet that the vacuum hadn’t gotten. There was nothing about Rianna that didn’t intrigue me, and the worst part was that I couldn’t understand why. Why her? Why now? Why this fascination?

  When her gaze flicked over to me, I jumped. Giving a little nod of acknowledgment, I kept on walking toward the kitchen, but when I reached the fridge, I just stood there with the door open, not interested in anything inside it.

  I let it close and stood for a moment, looking out the kitchen window at the view of the woods behind my house. It’d be best if I was out of the house when Rianna was doing her work. No need to be overseeing her. Besides, I had things to do. Keeping some physical distance would help me get over this stupid obsession.

  Rianna was winding the vacuum cleaner cord when I walked past on my way to the front door. “I’m going out. Lock up when you leave, okay?” I barely glanced at her.

  “Sure. Um, I wanted to thank you for that whistle. Travis loves it.”

  I halted but didn’t look at her. “Good. I don’t know why I kept it all these years.”

  “We all have special things from our childhood. Mine’s a doll my mom gave me. An ugly thing, but it meant a lot to me. Somehow, I can’t just throw her away.”

  “How’s your car running?” Not wanting to talk about something so personal, I changed the subject.

  “Not great,” she admitted. “I’m going to look at a car when I’m finished here.”

  Vehicles were a safe subject. I turned toward her at last. “What kind?”

  “An Olds Cutlass. It’s from the late nineties but in good shape, I guess. At least that’s what the owner said.”

  I shook my head. “That’s not just old, it’s practically vintage. You can’t trade one beater for another. Do you know anything about engines, what to look and listen for?”

  She toyed with the plug on the vacuum cord. “Not really.”

  The idea of some guy taking advantage of her to unload a piece of crap that had probably been rusting in his front yard for years pissed me off. “Look, you should have someone you trust come with you and check it out.”

 
I exhaled, knowing I was powerless to resist the need to help her. “I’ll come with you. I’ll take you around a few places. We’ll hunt until we find you the best deal.”

  “No. You’re busy. That’s okay.”

  “I’m taking you,” I told her firmly. “Get your coat.”

  “But I’m not done here.”

  I glanced around my house, which was already in pristine condition. “That’s okay. I have a block of time right now. I want to see you with some safe wheels under you by the end of the day.”

  Her shoulders relaxed as if I’d lifted a big burden from them, and I realized that no matter how much Rianna acted as if she were on top of things, she was in over her head. A twenty-one-year-old raising a kid alone with no financial or emotional support, she needed someone to take the pressure of at least a few decisions off her. I understood that completely.

  “Well, at least let me put the vacuum away.”

  “Naw. Leave it. Let’s go.” I got her coat from the hook and held it out while she slipped her arms in. The scent of her hair, flowery fresh, wafted up to my nose.

  “What kind of down-payment money do you have set aside?” I asked as I took her elbow and steered her toward the Rover. “Have you looked into getting a loan?”

  “Uh, I have about eight hundred bucks with me today. I was hoping to cut a deal for cash in hand.”

  I held the door open as she climbed into the passenger seat. She couldn’t see my wince at the idea of an eight-hundred-dollar car. “So no plans for a loan?”

  “I haven’t looked into the paperwork, but I’m pretty sure the bank wouldn’t give me one.”

  I could easily buy her a safe and efficient used vehicle outright. But I knew Rianna would be too proud to accept my money. How could I convince her to borrow what she needed from me? I could set up a payment schedule with no interest and small easy payments subtracted from her wages. Then I’d find ways to get more of her money back in her pocket.

  “We’ll figure out the money part.” I glossed over the subject. “First let’s just find you a serviceable car.”

  We sat in the SUV for a few minutes, looking through online ads together. Rianna made me mark all the cheap vehicles, while I marked all the viable ones.

  She sat back and fastened her belt. “Are you sure about this? These are spread out all over the place.”

  “Not a problem.” I put the Rover in gear and started off.

  “Well, thank you.” She sighed. “It seems like I’m always thanking you for helping me out. I don’t know why you bother.”

  “You deserve it,” I answered simply and then changed the subject to something less personal. “So, whaddya think of the Royals’ chances for next season?”

  “Depends on who they add to the team. Right now they need to rebuild.”

  The girl knew her baseball. We had an in-depth discussion of the KC Royals and our own Lexington Legends as we drove the curving mountain roads to our first stop.

  Just to pacify her, I took her to look at the Olds Cutlass parked in the weeds behind an old guy’s house as I’d expected. No way in hell I’d let her purchase the thing, but I dutifully looked under the hood and walked around it, kicking worn tires.

  Knowing he’d never close a deal with me, the grizzled old-timer put all his attention on Rianna. “I’ll go as low as five hundred.”

  “I’d have to give it a test drive first. It looks kinda…” She wrinkled her nose.

  “Battery’s been charged. You turn her over and see how she runs.” He offered her the keys with a grin.

  I’d had enough pretending. “Sorry. The car’s just too old. Come on, Rianna.”

  She frowned at me. “Just a minute. I’m at least going to give it a try.”

  I swallowed my annoyance as she wasted time getting into the car. Sure enough, the engine turned over, and a little gas fed a hiccuping roar. But I knew this vehicle was unacceptable. It needed too much work, starting with the nonexistent tread on the tires.

  Rianna turned off the car, got out, and handed back the keys. “Thanks, but I think I’m looking for something else.”

  “Four hundred. My final offer,” the old man said.

  “No. But thank you.” She headed back to the Rover, and I followed.

  After I’d started up and driven a ways down the road, I asked, “Why’d you bother even starting that car? You knew the thing was a lawn ornament.”

  “To be polite.” She paused. “And, maybe because you sorta took over, and I didn’t like that. I don’t need anybody to make my decisions for me.”

  A flare of irritation shot through me. She’d admitted not knowing jack shit about engines. Why did she have to be so stubborn about listening to my opinion?

  Almost as if hearing my thought, Rianna added, “I appreciate your help. Really I do. I just spent too many years letting someone else tell me how I should do things. First my grandma and then Clay—that’s Travis’s father. Now that I’ve been on my own awhile, I like deciding things for myself. Sure, it’s scary sometimes, trying to figure out if I’m being a good mother to Travis, but it’s also…”

  “Liberating.” I completed her thought. “I get it. I felt that way after my dad left. Taking care of my brothers was hard, but all the decisions were mine to make.”

  “They didn’t have any input?” she asked.

  “Micah helped out more. He’s only a couple of years younger than me. But he was a goof. Left up to him, nothing would’ve gotten done. So I had to take hold of the reins. And J.D. was around eight when Dad took off. An obedient kid for mostly, but not old enough to be a whole lotta help.”

  “That’s a lot to take on,” she said softly, sympathetically, but without pity. “I had Travis at eighteen and thought I had my plate full. Of course, I was dealing with Clay too, which—like your dad—actually made things harder than they needed to be.”

  “Were you married?” I asked.

  She shook her head. “Thank God, no. Since we split, Clay hasn’t bothered trying to see Travis once. He just wasn’t ready to be a dad, or a husband, or any sort of responsible adult.”

  “Some people shouldn’t breed.” I felt nothing but revulsion when I thought about my father, not the tiniest shred of connection, not even hatred, really, merely disgust.

  “No doubt,” Rianna agreed. “Although I can’t completely regret getting knocked up, or I’d have missed out on Travis, and he’s the best thing in my life.”

  Her nylon coat made a swishing sound as she turned toward me, and I felt her gaze burning into my profile. “What about your mom? What was she like?”

  I didn’t know how we’d gone down this road. Talking about personal family stuff was not my intention, yet I found myself considering her question and then answering it.

  “She was a complicated woman. She could be fun-loving, but she was also really religious. That’s why Micah and I have bible names. My dad named J.D.—Jack Daniels after his favorite booze, which kinda tells you how opposite they were.”

  “My grandma’s super religious too. I get it.”

  “Toward the end, Mom got fanatical about God. She also went through bouts of deep depression where she’d hardly get out of bed. I think she was probably undiagnosed bipolar.”

  “What happened?” Somehow Rianna sounded as if she’d already guessed the real answer—not the lie we’d told J.D. and stuck to over the years, long past when he was old enough to hear the truth.

  “She died,” I replied automatically. Then, for the first time in years, I said the secret out loud. “Actually, she killed herself.”

  I glanced sideways. Rianna nodded slightly. “I’m sorry. That’s really awful.”

  I faced forward again, staring at the pavement before us. “After it happened, Micah and I—and my dad—agreed to just tell J.D. she’d died. He was too little. No need for him to know she’d left us on purpose. We had the funeral, and then we just…we never talked about it again. I told Micah I’d punch his face in if he got in a confessio
nal mood and told J.D.”

  “So, you’re saying your brother still doesn’t know to this day?”

  I shook my head and realized how melodramatic that sounded. We were living a stupid soap opera-style lie. “It seems way too late to tell him now. Why bother?”

  “Because it’s his mom too. He’d probably want to know the truth, no matter how painful. And how can you ever really be close with a secret like that between you?” She clapped a hand to her mouth. “I had no right to say that. Sorry.”

  She was right, but I didn’t want to talk about it anymore. I didn’t know what had made me blurt the truth. Rianna now knew something far too personal about me.

  So I changed the subject completely. “Look, when we find a decent car, you’re going to need a lot more than eight hundred bucks. If you can’t get a loan, I can float you the money.”

  “I don’t want a handout.”

  I glanced at her profile, her frown, and the stubborn clench of her jaw. “You can work it off. A portion of your wages will go toward paying off the loan.”

  She didn’t answer right away. “I don’t want to be in debt to you.”

  “Sometimes debt’s necessary to get what you need. You have to have a reliable car in order to work anywhere, right?” I turned in at the dealership where I’d intended to go all along. They’d advertised some nice older cars with low miles I wanted to take a look at.

  “Yes, but…”

  “But what?”

  She turned toward me with another swish of polyester. “I’m not exactly comfortable with how you earn your money.”

  Oh that. I’d become used to everyone looking the other way, including the local law I paid well for letting my business operate unimpeded. I was small fish compared to some, and the DEA was hardly likely to come storming in to arrest me. But apparently Rianna had issues about accepting my tainted money.

  “You knew this when you came to work for me?”

  “The girls at work told me, but the chance to get away from the club was too tempting. And it’s not as if I have anything against pot growing, but it is illegal. Borrowing so much from you would make me feel guiltier than I already do.”