“Who on earth would-” I began, but she cut me off.
“What if I volunteered?”
I think my eyebrows lifted off my forehead altogether.
“Why on earth would you volunteer to be cursed to live the rest of your life without sex?”
“Because I’m not…” she began, becoming suddenly uncomfortable, especially as she realized all eyes were on her. She schooled her face into her usual scowl and glared back at all of the onlookers. “Uh… can we get some privacy over here?”
Nearly everyone turned away, sufficiently chastised by her tone. Jem and Seth of course couldn’t move, but they were able to turn away and still keep the binding cord in place. I shifted so that my back was shielding Nai from dad’s view. Digging my toes deeper into the earth, I took in enough energy to cast a basic cloaking spell without weakening the summoning circle. It wasn’t much, but it helped.
“Okay, if we don’t raise our voices, they can’t hear us,” I assured her.
She gave me a weak, but grateful smile.
“Thanks.”
“So seriously, Nai, I don’t think you know how extreme this curse is.”
“The more extreme the better,” she said with a snort. “I’m kind of sick of guys who think that a relationship means sex. I know it’s not typical, but I’m just not wired that way and... uh… I want it to stop.”
“Oh…”
Admittedly, Nai’s confession was a little surprising. Not that I expected people to be stereotypes, but I was pretty sure she had been dating a boy from the diner. My assumption that she was straight, or bisexual at least, was not arbitrary. Then again, when I saw her on the roof the other day, it was clear that she had been having some kind of relationship issues. Maybe she’d broken up with him because she realized her orientation. Still, as nice as the idea of having the curse removed was, I couldn’t do it at the cost of deceiving Nai.
“It doesn’t exactly work that way,” I explained. “You’d be sexually unattractive to women as well as men.”
“That’s perfect!” she said, brightening immensely, which confused the hell out of me. She must have noticed because she shook her head. “Donna, I’m not gay. I like guys. I just don’t want to have sex.”
“Okay…” I said, thoroughly confused. “I understand if you aren’t ready to have sex, but a curse isn’t something you can just turn on and off.”
She gave me a snotty look. “Oh my cow! I’m not stupid either.”
“I didn’t say you were,” I said, putting my hands up in a defensive move. “I just… Well, honestly, Nai, I just don’t understand.”
“I’m asexual.”
“You’re what?”
“I’m asexual,” she said again, shrugging her shoulders. “Actually, I didn’t even know there was a name for it until you said something the other day, but yeah, I just… I’m just not interested in…” she trailed off with a sigh and I strained my brain trying to figure out what she was talking about. I think I’d made some offhanded comments, but to be honest, I didn’t actually consider the fact that anyone really was… I mean, why on earth… Okay then. I had to remind myself that just because I don’t get it doesn’t mean it’s not a thing or even a big deal to others. Wow, my own frustrations had turned me into an insensitive jerk.
“Okay, but seriously Nai,” I said, cringing at my own next words. “Before you volunteer for anything, that is, if you can even volunteer, I just want to make sure. This isn’t a… um…”
“This isn’t a phase,” she all but growled. “Do you want my help or not?”
And just like that, the crabby and irritable Nai I knew was back.
“Yeah,” I said, unable to hide my smirk. “I do. Let’s see what we can do about it.”
I dropped the shield and turned back to dad, still keeping myself between him and Nai, but stepping to the side so she could see him as well.
“Well? Is it possible to transfer the curse?
“No.”
“No?” There was something fishy about the offhanded way dad just shot me down, not to mention the way his arms were crossed over his chest like a petulant child. “You’re lying.”
“She’s an agent of Order,” he said flatly. “You are Nyx. The spell is not compatible.”
“And you just noticed five seconds ago that Nai is Nyx,” I noted.
“Well, yes, but it’s not going to be easy…”
The way dad drawled out the last word was infuriating, but all of the sudden I got what he was doing.
“Oh my goddess! You want something, don’t you?”
“Perhaps…” he said with a lazy shrug. “I’d be inclined to see what I could do if I thought I might have incentive.”
“I don’t understand,” I said, looking to Nai, who also shook her head.
“I do,” said mom, pursing her lips and eyeballing dad in a way that made me suddenly realize what he was talking about.
“What? Ew! I do not want to even hear about that. You guys go negotiate,” I said, waving them away and covering my ears. I did not want to hear anything more on the subject of parental anatomy.
“Perhaps if you perform the transfer, without any unintended consequences, tricks, or loopholes, I’ll be inclined to let you do some accessorizing…”
“What part of ‘I don’t wanna hear this’ do you people not understand?” I roared, ignoring the innuendo filled wink mom gave dad.
“Fine,” dad said, “I’ll uphold my end as long as you uphold yours. Normally it’s a simple matter of transferring the curse from one Nyx to another, but we’re going to have to circumnavigate the Ord…” Dad’s explanation was drowned out by a deep rumbling as the ground pitched and a horrid screech rent the air.
“Noooooooooooo!”
All of the sudden the ground under my feet shifted sideways and I stumbled, hitting my head on the makeshift altar hard enough to see stars. I groaned as I sat up and saw a bunch of people scrambling to their feet as well.
“Of all the times to have a fracking quake!” I heard Betty curse, but I wasn’t so sure that’s what it was. In fact, when the holy flame turned a most unholy purple, I knew that it hadn’t been a quake.
“Everyone get back!” I warned as the electric violet flames twisted into the familiar shape of a man. Part of me was flattered that he’d come looking for me, but part of me wondered how, and more importantly, why he decided to show up at this particular moment.
“Donna, don’t do it! What are you thinking?”
The flattery quickly faded, only to be replaced by a serious amount of WTF.
“What am I thinking? I’m thinking about finally being rid of the curse on me, Clyde. What are you doing here?”
“I thought you were going to give me form?”
“Why on earth would you think that?” I asked, cringing at how defensive I sounded. There was no way he could know what I’d been planning, was there? I mean, he was in my head, but some of my thoughts were still my own. At least, I hoped.
“I thought you were going to find me a body, a real body, in your realm?”
“When did I say that?”
“Well, err… You didn’t have to say anything! You know the only way we can truly be together is in your world, Donna, and I know you want to be with me.”
“Wow! Pretty sure of yourself, Clyde.”
“I’m an incubus, of course I’m sure! I’m the perfect mate! You certainly couldn’t ever do better.”
I’m not sure what was worse, the embarrassment of realizing that I’d actually wanted this guy, or the fact that, like a bad dream, everyone who had been warning me about him was here, witnessing what should have been a private conversation.
“Of all the chauvinistic pig-like BS I’ve ever heard,” Louise muttered from her corner. I gave her a grateful smile, but held up my hand.
“No, it’s okay, Louise,” I said with a smile. “Clyde’s right, after all. I can’t do any better. At least, not while I’m still under this curse.” I turned ba
ck to Clyde and narrowed my eyes. “Which is why you’re really here, isn’t it?”
“Um, what?”
“You’re insecure, Clyde,” I said with a smug smile as he opened his mouth to protest. “I’m a Nyx. You and I both know that once this curse is lifted, I’ll pretty much have my choice of any guy I want. You’re afraid I’m not going to want you.”
“Why? Why wouldn’t you want me? No, that’s not… You couldn’t possibly…” he sputtered. I understood, to a point. After all, the guy was an incubus. I’m pretty sure no one has ever said no to him before.
“Clyde, think about it,” I said, cutting off his babbling. “Even if I were to bring you over here, I’d still be cursed. We couldn’t be together.’
“What? But of course we could!”
“Um… I’m pretty sure that a no sex curse means no sex,” I said with no small amount of exasperation.
“Oh Donna, Donna, Donna! Don’t you understand? I don’t want to have sex with you, I love you!”
“You what?”
Perhaps I’d hit my head harder than I thought.
“I love you,” he said again, clear as day. “Sex is my job, darling. It’s nothing more than the happy-for-now ending that is good enough for some women who will never do better. You, my pure and mostly unspoilt beauty, are worthy of a happily-ever-after. Why complicate that with sex?”
“Did you… Am I… Are you…?”
I sputtered nonsense for a good long while, trying to wrap my head around the illogic of Clyde’s declaration. I wasn’t sure if I should feel flattered, insulted, or if I shouldn’t just commit myself to a mental institution for having ever considered a relationship with such a twisted and clearly insane creature of Chaos.
“What Donna’s trying to say is, go happy-for-now yourself, buddy,” Betty spit through gritted teeth.
“Donna, I can think of at least three different and equally painful spells to blast this thrift store Casanova into smithereens,” Louise added in a voice that made several of the men present wince.
“Did you think yourself worthy of a body, Clyde?”
Dad’s voice boomed from behind me and I jumped. Thanks to Clyde’s brand of crazy, I had all but forgotten about him. The emphasis he put on the name was not lost to me and it certainly wasn’t lost to Clyde, who was trying his best to shrink away. Too bad for him, that wasn’t going to happen. Served him right to get caught in a holy flame.
“Fa Be’yoh! I um… that is… No, of course… Um… You’re looking very solid… in that body… that is…”
“Are you quite finished?”
“Uh… Yes sir.”
I was amused to see that a man made of holy fire could sweat. Profusely even.
“Very well,” Dad said with a deep sigh. “Understand, Clyde, that I am willing to take some responsibility for the events that have led us to where we all are right now. Were it not for a… rather hasty decision on my part a few years ago, you’d have forgotten my daughter and moved on. However, your being here right now, combined with your inability to focus on your work shows me that I cannot take complete responsibility for your insubordination.”
“Sir?”
“You were asked on several occasions to at least meet your quotas before going to bother Donna.”
“B-b-but I…”
“Your performance, or should I say, lack thereof, has disgraced my name.”
“Well, perhaps if I’ve got some incentive, like say… physical form?”
“You’ve got form,” dad deadpanned, waving lazily toward the flame.
“I’m made of fire.”
“Well,” I added with a wink, “I guess you shouldn’t have asked for a hot bod then, hmm?”
I ignored the collective groan that went up around me. I thought it was a rather clever joke. Clyde, on the other hand, didn’t seem to understand that it might be in his best interest to know when to shut up.
“But… Why, this is not fair! You’ve admitted this is your doing! Why should you get a perfect body? Why don’t… um… okay, never mi-”
“Why you little…”
I could feel the energy shift. There wasn’t a whole lot that dad could do within this realm, but while he was within the circle, he was still tethered to the Chaos realm. As such, he still had power over his subordinates. The anguished cries had most of the men around the circle making faces and looking like they wanted to bolt.
“Um, hey,” I cut in. “I know Clyde’s kind of a hot mess, but maybe killing him is a little harsh.”
“Oh, he’ll wish he was dead when I’m through with him,” dad growled.
“Actually…” A plan began to unfold in my head as I spoke. A rather wicked, yet completely justified plan, if I do say so myself. “I think I’ve got an idea that would benefit everyone. You’re not really attached to the idea of sticking around here are you?”
Dad narrowed his eyes. “What exactly are you getting at?”
“I’m just saying that Clyde is awfully covetous of that body mom made you.”
“Donna!” It was mom’s turn to pipe up. “You aren’t still thinking of allowing this… this… nuisance… form, are you?”
“Why not?” I asked with a wink. “In exchange for performing the transfer, I’m willing to let dad go back to the realm. Once he’s gone, Clyde can take over the golem as long as-”
“I agree to that!” Clyde all but shouted over me. I gave mom a pointed look before continuing.
“Ahem… As long as he understands that he’s getting the body as is.”
A look of dawning realization struck both of my parents and for a minute, I thought Clyde was going to figure out that he’d made a mistake.
“Do it! Please!”
Or not. The look of absolute desperation as he begged almost had me feeling sorry for the guy. Almost.
“Sounds fair to me,” mom said with a shrug before turning to dad. “It’s too bad. I really could have used some help in the garden.”
At the thought of physical labor, dad winced.
“Yes, well then, let’s get on with it. Myrna, I am going to at least need a tether.”
Mom had me stand with Nai in front of dad and put a hand on each of our shoulders while dad performed the transfer. Because Nai was volunteering, the transfer took all of two minutes, despite the complexity of the spell. Granted, the reason the spell was complex in the first place was because it was meant to be used against someone’s will. There is a very good reason why offensive magic is not easy by design. I imagine we as a species would have gone extinct long ago if hexing each other was a simple matter of the right incantation or combination of herbs.
“Well, you ready to go back?” I asked dad. I didn’t feel any different, but mom assured us that the transfer had worked and honestly, I was ready to be rid of at least one of my problems.
“If I may have a moment first?”
“Huh?” Mom’s request was odd enough, but the way she was looking at dad was even weirder. “Um, sure.”
I stepped back, intending to give them privacy, but before I could turn away, mom rushed forward and slapped dad so hard across the cheek that the sound echoed throughout the glade.
“That was for Taffy,” she said in a sharp hiss before hauling off and slapping him across the other cheek. “And that was for me! Now then,” she said, turning to give me her best sweet old mother face, “you may proceed.”
I could have sworn I heard several snickers coming from different corners of the glade. Desmond looked as if he wanted to protest sending my dad back, but to my surprise, he kept silent as Betty and Bogie began chanting the incantation that would send him back to the realm. Finally, after the body had reverted back to mud and stone, a cleansing was done and we began the ceremony again, this time to draw Clyde into the golem.
This transition went a lot faster. In fact, Clyde was so enthusiastic about his human body that he was already beginning to transform before we’d even finished the incantation to bind him. As such, it did
n’t take him very long to figure out his mistake.
“Donna! Something is wrong! This body is defective!”
The look of pure horror on Clyde’s face was priceless. I nearly felt bad for him.
“No, I’m afraid not,” I said, unable to keep the smug smirk from my own face. “You agreed to this body as is.”
“But there’s no… Donna! There’s no… My god, I’m missing my…”
“Penis? Really Clyde? You’re an incubus and you can’t say penis? Good grief! You’re worse than Desmond.”
I heard mom snicker and saw the Warrior frown out of the corner of my eye.
“Of course I can say it! What I am saying is that it is missing! How am I supposed to sire heirs without one?”
“You’re not,” I said in a high pitched, sweet voice. “Why on earth would you want to spend time working? I thought you said you love me?”
“Well, err… of course I love you, Donna…”
“But you don’t want to have sex with me,” I said, still keeping the obnoxious smile on my face.
“But… well…”
“No, Clyde, there’s no backtracking now, darling. You wanted a clean, mostly unspoilt happily ever after. Well buddy, you’ve got one. Meanwhile, I’ve got several years of pent up frustration that I need to go take care of.”
“But… What? You can’t do that!”
“Oh? But when the tables were turned you seemed to think that it was just fine for you to go out and take care of your needs.”
“Well, yes, but see… That’s different! You’re a woman!”
As the echoes of Clyde’s ill-advised declaration died away, an unnatural silence, the likes of which I’d never before experienced, took over the glade. At almost the same time, the energy began to reach critical levels and I didn’t even need to look to see who was causing the fluctuations. Surprisingly, despite Clyde’s outburst, I felt calm. I held up a hand, warning the others to hold back.
“Oh dude, you are so effed,” Nai said with a snort.
“I know someone with a pig farm,” Louise suggested.
“I’ve got this sudden urge to make pies using Mrs. Lovett’s recipe,” added Betty, earning her a nervous glance from Bogie.
Friends without Benefits (Rise of the Discordant Book 4) Page 16
