Girl Squad

by Kim Hoover

  The sound of metal scraping on stone startled us apart.

  “Shit!” A boy said, tripping over a wrought iron chair. Jane dove for the pool ladder, climbing out at lightning speed.

  “Goddamn it, Ted. Get out of here!” she shouted, grabbing for something to throw at him.

  “You girls having a good time?” he said, smirking at me and giving me a look that made me want to grab the towel again.

  “I’m serious, Ted. You are a dead man.”

  She came at him full force and was in his face, fuming something under her breath that I couldn’t make out. He stood there for a few more seconds before he turned and left, calling out to me over his shoulder.

  “See you later.”

  Jane sat down on the edge of the pool, her legs dangling in the water. Still in the water, I rested my elbows on the deck next to her.

  “Jerk,” Jane said. “Sorry about that.”

  I laughed. “It’s no big deal. Why did you make him leave?”

  “He and I have an agreement,” Jane said, smiling.

  I pulled myself out of the water and sat next to her “Agreement about what?”

  Her eyes scanned me from head to toe before she responded. “I’ll explain it to you someday…when you’re older.” She grinned and gave me a quick smack on the thigh before jumping up and grabbing a towel. “Come on,” she said. “We have to get ready for dinner.”

  “I thought we were getting pizza?” I suddenly worried about the clothes I’d packed.

  When we got back to Jane’s room, she told me that her mother wanted to spend some time getting to know me and thought a family dinner would be the perfect setting.

  “We have to be in the dining room in an hour,” she said.

  “Why didn’t you tell me?” Disappointment swelled in my chest, like she had betrayed me somehow.

  “I was afraid you wouldn’t come,” she said, looking away.

  “You were right. You shouldn’t have tricked me.”

  “It’s not what I had in mind either,” she insisted, pleading with her eyes. “But my mother wants to get a good look at you.”

  “Why?”

  My anger softened as I realized she might cry, but I started to feel a little frantic about having to make conversation with parents like hers. And I really didn’t know how I was going to get past the issue of what to wear.

  “She always has to meet any girl I’m interested in.”

  Jane threw herself on the bed, hands over her eyes.

  “You mean so she can make sure you’re not getting in with the wrong crowd or something?”

  “It’s not that,” she said, sitting up. “It’s just that you and I have been together a lot lately.”

  “Wait,” I said. “Are you saying this is like what happened in Houston?”

  “No, that’s not… Never mind. It doesn’t matter.”

  “Well, I don’t have anything to wear. I think I should just go home.”

  “No!” Jane jumped up and ran over to her closet. “Let’s calm down. This is not a big deal.”

  She took a sundress off its hanger and held it up to me.

  “This will work. And here,” she said, handing me a pair of heels.

  “Heels, really?”

  “Just put them on. You’ll be gorgeous.”

  When we came downstairs, Jane introduced me to her mother and father, Mr. and Mrs. Rawlings. Her father wore navy blue slacks, maroon loafers and a white knit shirt with an alligator on it. His neatly trimmed dark hair had flecks of gray sprinkled in. Her mother wore her dark brown hair in a tight bun, which accentuated her sharp features. Her gray linen suit with its white trimmed lapels and pocket flaps looked very expensive.

  Jane and I sat next to each other, opposite Ted, to whom I was then formally introduced. Even though he was in my class, I hadn’t actually met him before. The parents were on either end of the table. I sat rigidly straight in my seat, afraid to touch anything. Mr. and Mrs. Rawlings drank red wine, offering to let us try some. I said no, thinking I felt tipsy enough without trying to drink wine for the first time. Just sitting next to Jane was fogging my brain. A maid dressed in a uniform served the meal. I thanked the maid so often, Jane finally told me to stop.

  The mood in the room felt oppressive, as though each of us occupied our own world. Even though Jane sat right next to me, she might as well have been in the kitchen. The intimacy at the pool had disappeared. She’s not all bravado after all. When the maid brought out a brownie with ice cream for dessert, I was so relieved that it was almost over, I let out a little sigh. But that’s when the questions started.

  “How do you like being on the cheerleading squad, Cal?” Mrs. Rawlings asked.

  “It’s fine.” No one else said anything, and feeling pressure to go on, I added, “I like the uniform.”

  “Really,” Mrs. Rawlings said.

  “My mother made it,” I continued, feeling like an idiot, but not knowing how else to keep the conversation going.

  “Made it?”

  “She sews.”

  “Oh, I see.” Mrs. Rawlings nodded. “I don’t have domestic talents myself.”

  “It saves a lot of money. She made the other girls’ uniforms too.” Everyone’s eyes were on me. “They paid her.”

  “Of course,” Mrs. Rawlings said. “That worked out well.”

  “Jane says you play the guitar,” I said, desperate to get the attention off me.

  “Not so much anymore,” she said, “but, Cal, tell me, do you have a boyfriend?”

  Why is she so focused on me? “Not really. No one steady anyway.” Maybe she thinks I’m interested in Ted.

  “Well, I’m sure that won’t last long. You are very attractive, Cal,” Mrs. Rawlings said.

  I swallowed hard and felt my cheeks burning. Get me out of here!

  “Mom,” Jane said, exasperated. “Please. Will you stop embarrassing her?”

  “It’s okay, Jane,” I said. “Thank you, Mrs. Rawlings. It’s very nice of you to say that.”

  “Yes, well, it’s important not to waste your good looks while you have them,” Mrs. Rawlings said.

  I noticed how she cut a sidewise glance at Jane. What’s going on here?

  “Can we be excused?” Jane asked, looking pointedly at her father.

  “Not yet,” her mother responded before he could get a word out. “I have another question for our guest.”

  Now what? I sat quietly, waiting, feeling the anger seething from Jane’s body next to me.

  “You mentioned your mother, the sewing, saving money. I’m just wondering, how does she like being a single divorcee in a small town?”

  “Are you kidding?” Jane was on her feet.

  “Helen, that’s out of line,” Mr. Rawlings said. “I’m sorry, Cal. I think my wife may have had a little too much to drink tonight.”

  “Let’s go,” Jane said as she grabbed my hand and dragged me out of the room.

  “What was that about?” I asked when we got back to Jane’s room.

  “She was drunk. I’m so sorry.”

  “I can’t believe I went on and on about those stupid uniforms.”

  “You were fine.”

  “I was terrible. They think I’m a moron.”

  “They do not.”

  “What was that about me having a boyfriend? Does she think I’m after your brother or something?”

  “No, she’s just…old school. I don’t know.”

  “What about you? Do you have a boyfriend?” I asked, raising my eyebrows.

  “My mother hounds me constantly,” she said, putting a record on the turntable.

  “But do you?”

  “I think you know I don’t,” she said, coming closer, brushing my arm with her hand. “If I did, wouldn’t he be here?”

  I felt dizzy and my lips trembled, vibrating with an energy of their own. The nearness of her body to mine caused confusion to overwhelm my thoughts and I had the strangest sensation. I wanted to kiss her. What? I w
as frozen, my feet stuck to the floor, my hands and arms immobile.

  “Let’s go out by the pool,” she said. “Ted and I have some beer stashed.”

  She grabbed her guitar and my hand, dragging me out the door and down the backstairs. The air was cool and the sky was clear and full of stars. Ted had the firepit going at one end of the pool deck. Nearby there was a cooler full of Long Necks. Ted handed me one.

  “Thanks,” I said, determined not to let on that I’d never tasted beer before.

  I sipped the beer, thought it tasted bitter, but managed to drink half of it. I didn’t make eye contact with either of them as I slipped the bottle under my chair, out of sight. Jane was strumming her guitar, a cigarette smoldering nearby. She sang folk songs while Ted stoked the fire. I closed my eyes and soaked in the sounds of the fire crackling and Jane’s soothing voice. The next thing I knew, Jane was shaking me awake.

  “Hey, sleepyhead,” she said, kissing me on the forehead. “Time for bed.”

  I woke up early and decided to sneak out of the house before I could run into anyone. I left Jane a note, thanking her for everything. I rode my bike through the main gate, looking back on their magical kingdom, wondering how I had been so lucky.

  The smell of breakfast hit me as I opened my front door. Grandma was in the kitchen making her usual, eggs fried in bacon grease, grits floating in butter, and homemade biscuits. I swooned with memories of summers in her kitchen.

  I sat on a barstool and asked, “Can we skip church today?”

  “I don’t have anybody I’m trying to impress here,” she said.

  “Yay!”

  She put a plate of food in front of me. “Your mom called and said she’d be home early afternoon.”

  My insides cinched up. What would I say to her? I had no idea what to say. Would I have the guts to confront her and ask her point-blank what was going on? She wasn’t the type to have a heart to heart. She wasn’t that kind of mom. She kept her distance, like she didn’t really want me to know what she thought or how she felt, unless it had to do with how I slumped in a chair or didn’t keep my room straight. It was hard to get her to talk to me about things you’re supposed to talk to your daughter about—like periods or body parts. We didn’t even have a name for vagina. We didn’t mention it. Ever. So how could I possibly ask her if she had a secret boyfriend?

  “Grandma, you know Mom better than anyone. She’s likely to bite my head off if I say something about that guy, but I’m dying to ask her.”

  “Listen, gal. You’re old enough to start standing up to her. I know it’s not easy. She’s got a hard shell. But she threw your daddy out, so you’re more or less the second adult in this house now.”

  “I don’t know about that.”

  “You know, I never wanted her to marry him in the first place.”

  “Why?”

  “She was so young but she thought she had to get out of my house. Got married a week after high school graduation. I begged her not to.”

  “You didn’t like him?”

  “Had nothing to do with that. They just had no business setting up house at that age. Then they had you and they were an old married couple by age twenty. So no wonder she’s got wanderlust by now.”

  “Did she want to have me?”

  “Oh, honey, it’s not like that. When you get married, you do your duty and sooner or later, the kids show up. She never thought it through. But I guess she figured her duty was done once you were born, since you’re an only child.”

  She winked at me, but I didn’t think it was funny. I was beginning to understand why I never felt like my mother really liked me. I was used to it, but it still made me sad. I put it out of my mind, like always.

  We cleaned up the kitchen together, and suddenly I felt really tired, so I went to my room to take a nap. But I couldn’t sleep. I kept thinking about Jane in the pool, so close to me I could have pressed every bit of myself against her. I wanted to be there again. I wanted to touch her everywhere. I wanted her to touch me. But why? I punched my pillow. Slapped my thigh. It was not supposed to feel like this. God absolutely did not approve of it. I knew that for sure. But that didn’t change what I was thinking, how I felt, what I wanted. It just made me feel alone. Like something about me was not quite right. Like when you know there’s something you have to do, but you also know there’s no way you can do it. It’s impossible.

  I got up, looked at myself in the mirror, and Jane came right back into my head as I compared my looks to hers. Jane was more glamorous than me, for sure, and I thought she was prettier. My eyes were my best feature. They were hazel green like no one else’s I’d ever seen. Brown mixed with blue. I’d heard it all my life, how unusual they were. I wondered if Jane had noticed.

  When I heard Mom’s car pull into the garage, I was grateful for the distraction. I have to get out there. I brushed my hair. I smiled at myself and took a deep breath. Grandma sat at the kitchen counter reading the Sunday paper. Mom came in carrying a small overnight bag that she dropped on the floor with a thump. She leaned against the counter, rubbing her temples.

  “Hi, doll,” Grandma said.

  Mom half smiled. “Everything all right?”

  “The kid and I held down the fort.”

  “Where were you?” I asked.

  She scowled at me, winding up for a verbal punch. “None of your business.”

  “I saw you with that man.”

  I couldn’t believe that came out of my mouth. When she answered me, her teeth were so clenched I thought she might chip one. “Don’t you ever spy on me again! You don’t know anything. And you don’t need to know anything.” She pushed past me, leaving Grandma and me shocked into silence.

  Even for her, that was harsh. I felt very small. All my bragging about getting to the bottom of it had deflated to dust.

  “Well,” Grandma said, “I guess that’s that. And since there don’t seem to be anything more for me to do here, I think I’ll go to Ruidosa after all.”

  She packed her things and gave me a hug. “I love you, kiddo. Don’t worry about your mom. She’s always figured things out and usually comes out on top. But if you need anything, you let me know.”

  As I watched her drive off, feeling like my lifeline was disappearing, a tear slid down my cheek.

  Chapter Nine

  Preseason high school football started two weeks before the beginning of class. Our JV squad had their first scrimmage against Pampa High School. The other girls were thrilled that the cheerleading squad would get to perform, but I was not in the mood. Cheerleading felt so trivial to me at this point, but when Jane told me she wanted to go to the game and drive me, I changed my attitude. I was out on the front porch waiting when she pulled up.

  “Ready for show time?” Jane said, getting out of her mom’s car with a camera in her hand.

  “Don’t you recognize my game face?” I grinned really big and held pompoms to my cheeks.

  “I have to get a picture of this.”

  “Let’s get one of both of us,” I said.

  Rachel came across the street to join us and took the camera from Jane.

  “This is a nice camera!” Rachel said. She held the Nikon carefully.

  “Dad brought it back from Japan.”

  “Of course he did,” I said.

  “Don’t be mean,” Jane replied.

  “Y’all pose,” Rachel said.

  “I’ll be the football player,” Jane said, holding up her arm and making a muscle.

  “Woohoo, well for sure we can’t lose,” I said.

  “Hey,” Jane said to me in a deep voice. “Whatcha doin’ after the game?”

  “Come on!” Rachel said. “We need to go.”

  When we got to the stadium, Rachel headed off to meet a group of sophomores. “Don’t worry about me. I’ll get a ride home.”

  Jane walked me down to the field and dropped me off where the cheerleaders were warming up. She climbed into the stands and sat with some other juniors ne
ar the home bench. I looked up at one point and noticed her talking to one of the senior boys, a basketball player who I knew had just broken up with his girlfriend. I couldn’t stop watching them, wondering what they were talking about and whether Jane might think he was cute. When Jane turned away and waved to me, I smiled and waved back, probably a little too enthusiastically, because one of the other cheerleaders, Tammy, looked at me funny.

  “Who’s that?” she asked.

  I turned back to the field, feeling guilty, like I had been caught. “Oh, she’s somebody who just moved here. I know her from church.”

  I wondered if my voice sounded as strange as I felt. I hoped Tammy hadn’t noticed. But why? Could she tell how anxious I was to know that Jane was watching me? That wouldn’t be good. I forced myself to focus on the game, and I resisted the urge to look up at Jane every second. But at halftime, when we performed our cheer routine, my eyes drifted in her direction. She was watching me and only me. I felt that sensation again—a little breathless, my heart beating quicker than it should, a big smile breaking out as our eyes connected.

  We hadn’t made a plan for after the game, so when it was over, I took my time getting my things together, hoping she would come by for me. And she did.

  “Hey,” she said. “Some of the kids are going out for pizza. We should go.”

  I reached for my wallet and looked inside to find only a dollar.

  “It’s on me,” Jane said. “Come on.”

  “No, I’ve got babysitting money at home. I’ll pay you back.”

  At that moment, one of the football players, holding his helmet and cleats, stopped to chat with us.

  “Hey, there,” he said, looking at me. “What are y’all up to?”

  “Nothing much,” I said, turning to pick up my bag.

  “You’re really good at those cheers,” he said, ducking his head.