Season of Passion

by Steel, Danielle

  You really should. And me, I should get a kick in the ass.

  Would you settle for something else? She sat up as he rubbed her legs and slid her arms around his neck.

  I don't deserve it. He hung his head like a wicked child and she laughed.

  Just shut up and relax. He did and they did, and it was nine o'clock when Kate went in to run a bath. Will you keep an eye on this for me for a minute? I want to check on Tygue.

  Sure. He stopped her for a moment, for a long tender kiss. She had given him everything that night, he knew that. Her body, her soul, her heart, everything she had to give had been his. As though to soothe his pain for what he'd done. I love you, Cinderella. More than you know. By the way he looked down at her gently and smoothed a stray lock of hair from her face far be it from me to snoop into your life or question your motives, but it seems to me that you forgot something tonight. She looked up at him with a confused little smile. She knew he was teasing but she wasn't sure about what.

  I did? And then she grinned broadly. Oh damn. Dinner. Oh darling, I'm sorry. Are you starving?

  No, I'm not starving. I couldn't even eat. I meant something else. He pulled her back into his arms and felt her body bring his to life again as they both smiled and kissed. You forgot the flying saucer you know, the magic baby catcher. He looked at her with a grin. He had forgotten it too. Until afterward. Everything had been so topsy-turvy all night. And when he looked at her now, she was frowning with a look of irritation but not panic.

  Shit. My diaphragm. She had left it sitting virginally in the drawer.

  Is that a disaster? He felt an obligation to ask, although for him it was anything but a disaster. He still wanted her child. Tygue as well as his own. Would you freak out?

  No. But I won't get pregnant anyway. It's the wrong time of the month.

  How do you figure that? Not the way he understood things.

  I had my hair done yesterday.

  Huh? You're crazy. And you haven't answered my question.

  What is it? But she was teasing him and he knew it.

  The question is ' oh to hell with you. Get pregnant, so what. I'll drop you off at the unwed mothers' home, and go to Tahiti with Tygue.

  Be sure you send me a postcard. And don't bother watching my bath. She grinned as she turned it off, and grabbed a white terry-cloth robe to go check on Tygue. I'll be back in a sec.

  Do that. He said it with a smile. And she did. She was back in a second but without a smile. She walked back into the bathroom with her robe flying wide, showing her long thin naked body, and her face deathly white.

  Tygue's gone.

  Nick felt as though the earthquake had hit. She silently handed him a note, and as he read it, she bent over the John and threw up.

  Chapter 30

  No, we don't know where he went. All we know is what he left in this note. Nick looked across at Kate. They had discussed it all before the police arrived. They were not going to say anything about Tom. It wouldn't help.

  Let's have another look at that note.

  The note was painfully simple. Iym goang to fine mie fathere. Nice plain seven-year-old English. He was going to find his father. The plainclothesman looked up at Nick and Kate.

  You're not his father, Mr' . er ' Waterman?

  No. He's Mrs. Harper's son. But Tygue and I are very close. After he said it, he felt like an ass. But who was thinking straight? Kate was beginning to look strangely translucent and gray. She had barely spoken to the police, and Nick was afraid she was going into shock.

  Do you know where his father is? Seems like it would be pretty simple to give him a call. Kate looked agonized, and Nick shook his head.

  I'm afraid not. The boy's father died before he was born.

  Was he angry at you then? The cop came back at him quickly and this time Kate revived.

  No, I think, if anything, he was angry at me. I think mostly he's just under a lot of new pressures.

  We just moved to San Francisco, and he's in a new school, and ' She faltered and Nick squeezed her hand.

  Does he have any money?

  Kate shook her head. I don't think so

  Did he take anything?

  Yes. His teddy bear. Her eyes filled as she said it. It's a large brown bear with a red tie. She looked down at Bert, who wagged his tail and approached, and she only cried harder.

  What's the boy wearing?

  She didn't know. And she would never be able to guess. But she went to the hall closet and discovered his slicker was gone.

  A yellow slicker. And probably jeans and cowboy boots.

  Anyone in town he would go to?

  Felicia! She ran for the phone, but there was no answer when she dialed. Somberly, she gave the officer Licia's number. And Tillie's. And Joey's back home. And ' And I think he might have tried to get to Carmel. She looked miserably at Nick.

  Does he know anyone there? The policeman looked up.

  No. But he likes it Damn. What could she tell him? He went to find his retarded, crippled, once-famous father, whom he didn't even know was alive until this afternoon? What are you going to do? She squeezed Nick's hand as the police closed their little brown books.

  Comb the area until we find him. Now we need some pictures. They brought out dozens of them. Color, close-up, distance, in every possible outfit, on his pony, with his dog, at Disneyland, on a cable car with Licia. They shoved the makings of an album into their hands. We'll only need one or two. Kate nodded numbly as they went out into the rain. We'll call you every hour to report Thank you.

  Hang tough. They looked encouragingly at Nick as they left. Expensive house. And the kid looked happy enough in the pictures. They obviously weren't abusing him. Maybe he was just one of those funny little kids who needed to run away. They'd seen that kind before. The girls tended to stand dramatically in the doorway, giving their parents every opportunity to beg them to stay home. The boys just packed up and split. Oh God, Nick, what'll we do? Just what they said, darling. Hang tough. I can't' oh God ' Nick, I can't. He could be kidnaped. Run over. He could be '

  Stop it! He grabbed her by the shoulders and then pulled her tightly into his arms. Just stop it, Kate. We can't do that We have to know he'll be okay. Kate nodded numbly as she cried, and then clutched hopelessly at Nick. There was something agonized in her eyes that tore at him, and finally as she sobbed, he began to understand. There was more than just fear and worry in her heart It's my fault, Nick ' it's all my fault.' I said stop it, Kate. It's not your fault He wanted to tell her it was his own fault for bringing up the whole mess that afternoon, but it was pointless for either of them to blame themselves now. What they had to do was get Tygue back and tell him about his father, talk about the past, try to explain Kate's reasons for keeping him in the dark. And they would love the boy more than they had before. He needed that Tonight proved it. But breast-beating was a futile act Nick held tightly to Kate and gently pushed her chin up with one hand until her drenched eyes met his.

  It's no one's fault, darling. We can both torment ourselves with that for the next hundred years, but maybe it was just meant to come out. Maybe he had to know.

  I know he did. I should have told him years ago and then this wouldn't have happened.'

  But you didn't, and you can't know now if that made any difference. Maybe he couldn't have handled it till now. Whatever the case, you just have to let the past be. You didn't tell him. Now he knows. Those are the facts we have to deal with.

  But what if something awful happens to him? Her voice was a plaintive wail again as her eyes flooded again.

  Nothing will. We just have to believe that, Kate.

  I wish I could. She blew her nose loudly and closed her eyes.

  The police had called every hour, as promised, but they still had no news. It was after midnight when they reached Felicia.

  Oh my God. Felicia gasped and sat down as Nick explained. Kate was in no condition to talk. She had stopped crying, but she only sat there, staring, and t
humbing through the pictures. Nick had finally stopped trying to take them away from her. Should I come over?

  It might help. You've been through worse things with her before.

  Yeah. And Nick she hesitated for a moment, and then decided to say it I'm glad you know. She needs to be free of all that. She can't hide forever.

  I know. But this is a rough way to go.

  Maybe there's no other way. Nick nodded silently and they hung up. Felicia came right over, and they sat there together, drinking coffee and going crazy until five. And at five-thirty, the police called again.

  Nick braced himself for the same dismal news. No news.

  We've got him.

  Where?

  Right here. The cop grinned down at the kid.

  And Nick closed his eyes and shouted into the room, They've got him. And then into the phone again, Is he okay?

  Fine. He's tired, but fine. Willie the Bear looks a little forlorn though. The kid was very quiet. Probably sobered by the experience.

  Where was he?

  Sitting around the Greyhound bus station, trying to talk someone into taking him to Carmel. His mother was right. They usually are. We'll have him home to you in ten minutes.

  Wait. Can I talk to him? He was going to put Kate on, as she stood there next to him sobbing and laughing and squeezing his arm while Felicia looked on through her own tears.

  The policeman came back on in a minute. He says he's too tired to talk. Ornery little bugger. But that was their problem. He'd make out the report, give the kid a speech about the evils of running away and the dangers of bus stations, and take the boy home.

  What do you mean he was too tired? Kate looked stunned after Nick hung up, and then she understood. He's still pissed.

  Nick nodded. I assume so.

  He assumed right. When Tygue got home he was subdued, and he waited until the policeman had left before speaking to them. He had dutifully hugged his mother when he came in, but it won her no warmth and no comfort, only the puddle Willie had squeezed onto her shirt. He was still soaking. Tygue had dried off in the bus station. It was amazing he had gotten there at all. He said he'd had a nickel and had taken the bus. Bus drivers all along the way had given him directions.

  Do you have any idea what could have happened to you? She was starting to scream at him out of relief. He hung his head, but he did not look contrite. And then finally he spoke.

  I'm going to do it again.

  What? She shrieked as Nick tried to calm her down.

  I'm going to find my father. I want to see him. And then she sat back with a sigh and looked at her son. How could she tell him without breaking his heart that there was no father to see? There was a man, and he had been his father, but he was gone now. And Tygue couldn't see him.

  You can't do that She said it very softly.

  I'm gonna, Mom. He looked at her with determination all over his face.

  We'll talk about it.

  She put him to bed and this time he stayed there. But it had been a very long night, and as Felicia drove home at six-thirty in the morning, she had a feeling that it wasn't over yet. Maybe this time. But Tygue meant what he said. He was going to see his father. She hoped Kate understood that. But at that moment, Kate was already sound asleep in Nick's arms. She got three hours sleep. Stu Weinberg called at nine-thirty.

  Hm? In the deep haze of sleep, she couldn't figure out who it was. Nick had promised to leave a note out for the car pool, and they would all sleep late. All day, if she could. Nick had said he'd deal with Tygue until she got up.

  Did I wake you?

  Hm? What? ' No ' But she was already drifting off again. Nick walked into the room and shook her shoulder.

  Wake up. You're on the phone.

  Huh? Who is this?

  It's Stu Weinberg, for chrissake. What the hell is going on there? Did you go to a wild party last night?

  Yeah. Very. She sat up in bed, squinting, feeling sick. Her head churned as though she had the worst hangover of her life, but at least now she was functioning. How's the book?

  Making you and me both a fortune. In fact, that's why I'm calling. You've got another tour.

  Oh no. Did Nick fix this one too? She tried to smile, but her face wouldn't comply. What was Nick up to now? But Weinberg insisted Nick had nothing to do with this one. And he sounded sincere. Then what is it?

  A week in New York. Your publisher wants you there for promo to keep the book hot on the lists. It's a must, kiddo, especially if you want to hit them pretty soon with the one you're working on now. You'd better stay in their good graces.

  I can't now. There was too much to cope with at home.

  Bullshit, Kate. You have to. You have an obligation to these people. They're making your career. He began to tick off the shows they had booked her on. Too many, maybe. It was going to be an incredible week.

  I told you. I can't'

  You're going to have to. I told them you would.

  How could you do that? She was ready to cry. And she was still so unbearably tired from the night before.

  I did it because you have no choice. Ask Nick. He knows what this means.

  Never mind that. All right, I'll see. From when to when?

  You leave in three days. You'll be gone for a week.

  Til do my best.

  You'll have to do better than that. He was relentless. I'll call you later to confirm it.

  Okay. She was too weak to argue. She lay back on her pillow and tried to think.

  Who was that? Nick looked down at her with concern.

  Weinberg.

  Something wrong?

  She nodded. He called to tell me that my publisher booked me on tour in New York. For a week.

  When? Nick looked stunned

  I leave in three days.

  Sonofabitch. I'll kill him. Nick sat down and ran a hand through his hair. You can't go.

  He says I have to. And he didn't do it. I told you. My publisher did. And besides, dammit, Nick couldn't tell her what she could and couldn't do.

  I don't care who did it. You know goddamn well you can't go now. You told him that, didn't you?

  But she hadn't. Even with everything that was happening, she hadn't. Stu had made it sound as if her career were on the line, as though she had to or else.

  What the hell did you tell him? Nick looked down at her, shocked.

  I told him I'd see what I could do.

  You mean you're going?

  I don't know. I don't know, dammit. I can't even think. How do I know what I'm doing three days from now?

  If you have any sense, three days from now you'll be trying to straighten out this mess with your son. That ought to be the number one priority.

  It is, but ' godamnit, leave me alone. Would they never get off her back? Nick with his righteous indignation and ideas of perfect parenthood, and Tygue with his overwhelming needs and demands. Jesus, she had a right to some kind of life too. She had a right to the success that was coming her way.

  Falling in love with yourself, aren't you, Kate? It took every ounce of control not to slap him. It's not so much fun being a mommy now, is it?

  Will you leave me alone, damn you? She was shrieking and her voice didn't sound like her own. What do you want from me? Blood?

  No, some reality. You have a child who is facing a major crisis in his life. He doesn't need you to go gaily off on tour,

  Well, what about what I need What about my career? What about what I've given him all these years? Doesn't that count for anything? Don't I get a little time off for good behavior?

  Is that how you feel about it all, Kate? Is that how you feel about him? About me? For an insane moment, she wanted to say yes, but she didn't dare.

  Her voice was suddenly very quiet. I just need some time to think. That's all. Just let me work this out for myself. She sat down on the bed and ran a hand through her hair.

  I just don't think you've got much choice.'

  I've never had much choice. Maybe r
ight now I need to be able to choose, to make my own decisions.

  You've made decisions before, Kate. Why was he pushing so hard? Why didn't he get the hell off her back? But she didn't say any of what she was thinking. She was suddenly lost in her own thoughts.

  Yeah. I've made decisions before. Like the decision not to tell Tygue about Tom. That had been some great decision, as it turned out

  What's eating you, Kate? Are you feeling guilty again? Is that it?

  Dammit, Nick, yes! She jumped to her feet as she shouted at him again, and this time her eyes were blazing with fury. Yes, I feel guilty. Okay? Does that make you feel better, to hear me say it? Yes, I feel like this whole mess with Tygue is my own goddamn fault. And you know what? It doesn't make me love him any more than I did before. It just makes me want to run away. Because between his being pissed off at me and not understanding anything I've done, and you shoving it in my face, I want to get the hell away from both of you. How does that sound to you, mister?

  Just dandy. He turned on his heel and left the room, and she slammed into the bathroom, to emerge ten minutes later looking tidy but still wan. Tygue was still asleep, but Nick was sitting at the breakfast table with a cup of coffee. She poured herself one and looked over at him. He looked like hell too.

  I'm sorry I yelled.

  It doesn't matter. His voice was subdued now too, but he looked at her as though examining a visitor from another planet. Are you going?

  I don't know.

  It's happening to you, Kate.

  What is? But she knew what he meant.

  The star trip. The Me-Fabulous-Me syndrome. You have to do what you have to do for your career. Do you have any idea what's happening to that kid right now? Nick was seething again.

  Do you have any idea what's happening to me? How many ways I'm being pulled?

  I'm sorry. But you're a grownup. You can deal with it, Kate. He can't. I know you've had a lot of rotten breaks, but that's no reason to pass them on to him. He can't help it. And he is totally confused right now about his father.

  And I can't change that. I can't wave a magic wand and make Tom whole again. He's not. And Tygue can't see him. It would be terrible for both of them, She was shouting again.