Nameless

by Claire Kent

  He looked at her with elevated eyebrows, as if he fully expected she’d tell him whatever he wanted to know. As if he were entitled to such private information from a woman with whom he’d spent only one night.

  “What right do you have to presume to know me at all, particularly regarding a choice like this? Women like me don’t always choose to do only one thing. You’re making superficial assumptions, and those usually end up being wrong. Too many factors go into making a decision like this, and there’s no way to predict what a woman will choose to do.”

  She’d thought Seth would be a little peeved at her response, particularly since her tone got rather sharp as she built up the momentum of her argument.

  But he simply nodded. “You’re right.”

  This surprised Erin so much it took a minute to recover her focus.

  “You’re sure it’s mine?” he asked, smoothly moving back into the discussion. He didn’t appear to be shocked or upset by the news she’d dumped on him. In fact, he looked very much like he was discussing a case with a new client.

  That fact actually gave Erin some comfort. It would be better for all concerned if Seth treated this only like business. That way, he wouldn’t try to interfere in her life and things wouldn’t get complicated. “It’s yours. Other than you, I haven’t had sex with anyone in four months.”

  He revealed no reaction to this statement either. “You won’t object if I request a paternity test? I don’t mean to doubt your word, but I’d rather be careful—”

  Erin didn’t let him finish. “Of course, I’ll agree to a paternity test, but I assure you this isn’t some roundabout way of snaring you for a husband and creating a happy, little family. I don’t want to be a family. I just felt obliged to tell you about the pregnancy.”

  Seth appeared to think about her words for a long time, but, when he spoke, he had changed the subject. “We were protected.”

  “We used a condom, but obviously it didn’t work.”

  For the first time, Seth’s brow lowered. “I know how to use a condom. We double-checked it.”

  “Things happen. Even when used perfectly, condoms aren’t a hundred percent effective. Or maybe there was a tiny tear that you didn’t see. We’d been drinking.”

  “At that point, we weren’t that drunk. I would have noticed.”

  Erin rolled her eyes. “Yes, I’m sure your powers of observation are infallible, even when half-intoxicated and midway through a fuck. The condom might not have torn. Maybe it leaked a little before you pulled out. The fact is we’ll never know. And why does it matter now anyway?”

  “You seem to be very settled about all of this.”

  Erin almost laughed. Ironically, of course. “Yeah, well, you missed all of my weeping and wailing and bemoaning my fate and angsting about my choices. I’ve had some time to get used to it.”

  His eyelashes flickered slightly. “Almost seven weeks.”

  She couldn’t tell if there was a reproach in those words or not. “I considered not telling you at all. I have no desire to deal with any unnecessary complications.”

  He closed his eyes, as if he were suddenly tired. “And what exactly do you expect from me in all this?”

  “Nothing,” she said immediately, glad she had such a good opportunity to speak her piece. “This isn’t going to be a Thomas baby. It’s going to be a Marshall baby.” She held his eyes, didn’t let hers drop.

  “So I’m effectively closed out?”

  “Not closed out. I just don’t want there to be any confusion about this. I’m the one who’s going to make decisions regarding this baby’s life and future. You’re welcome to be involved, though—as little or as much as you’d like. As long as you don’t try to take control.”

  “Monetarily involved?” His voice was almost bitter.

  Erin straightened her spine with a jerk when she realized what he implied. “Fuck you, Seth. I’m not asking for money, and I wouldn’t take any from you if you offered it. How dare you insult me like that?”

  He didn’t look contrite. Merely skeptical. But apparently her outrage had some kind of effect, because he finally said, “Right. I can see why that would have offended you.”

  “I’m glad you can see that. The truth is, if I’d had a choice, I would have gotten pregnant by someone other than you.”

  Seth blinked again.

  Suddenly, Erin realized that her words had sounded crueler than she’d intended. “I don’t mean that personally. I had a good time with you. But the fact that you’re...well, you complicates things considerably.”

  He released a long breath. “Okay. If we can keep this uncomplicated, I’d like that too. You don’t want me to be involved monetarily, but I’m allowed to be involved in other ways?”

  She made a face. Had no idea how he would feel about any of this, and she wasn’t getting any clues from his behavior now. “Only if you want to be. Naturally, you can know the...the...your child and spend time with him...or her.”

  “And, later on, would I be allowed to spend money to provide certain things? Like education, for instance?”

  Erin squirmed in her chair. Felt both hesitant and a little bit sick. She hated the idea of being dependent on Seth in any way.

  Money had been the primary way Marcus had gotten her to go along with his agenda in the two years they’d been married. He made the money, so he made the decisions.

  That was why she’d refused to take any money from him after the marriage ended, even though everyone told her she was stupid not to. She wasn’t going to give her ex-husband any more power over her.

  “I guess so. I mean, it would depend on what it was. But, yeah, some things like that would probably be all right. But this isn’t going to be a Thomas baby.”

  “Yes. I understood that when you said it before.”

  She wondered if she’d insulted him. She didn’t want to, but it was so important that she set necessary parameters. She knew too well the consequences of just going with the flow and giving a strong man too much control over her life. She wasn’t going to do that with her child.

  Seth just sat in his chair, looking at her.

  Finally Erin became a little uncomfortable. “You don’t have to decide now about how much involvement you want. I’m not asking for anything. You don’t have to be involved at all. I’ll even sign something saying that I’ll never come and ask you for anything. Or, you can just keep track of things from the sidelines.” This was the idea that appealed to her the most, so she tried to make it sound attractive. “I could keep you informed, by email or whatever, about what’s going on. But you wouldn’t have to be personally involved, so it wouldn’t be a substantial change in your life.”

  “Or?”

  “Or you could be more involved. Spend time and everything. We could definitely work something out. It’s up to you.” After a pause, she reiterated, “But you don’t have to decide now.”

  “Nothing to decide,” Seth said clearly, scooting his chair back from his desk. “I would like to be involved.”

  She felt a sickening jump in her gut. “You would?”

  “Yes. I would. I’ve never had a child before. This might be my only one.”

  It was a strange thing to assume, since he was just in his early thirties, but he’d been alone for most of his life so he must see himself being alone for his whole future.

  “And you want to...to be involved?” Erin breathed, trying to return to her cool composure. She shouldn’t be so surprised. Seth’s persona might suggest he’d want to remain distant from a child, but hadn’t she just lectured him about making those kinds of assumptions? “Why?”

  His eyebrows shot sky-high. “Do I owe you an explanation?”

  Right. Her own response to him. She returned his ironic look with a quirk of her mouth. “Point taken. All right. You can be involved. There won’t be much happening for a while though. It’s early yet.” She stood up, feeling suddenly so exhausted she was afraid she might fall to the floor. The office s
pun a little, so she breathed deeply. “We can stay in touch and try to work out some sort of system or guidelines about your involvement.”

  Seth nodded. “We should work out a legal contract.”

  “Of course, a lawyer would say that.” She sighed, thinking about how she would feel when confronted with Seth and all his legal resources. She still remembered a little about contracts from law school, but she wasn’t going to risk her and her child’s future on such sketchy knowledge. “Well, I suppose I’ll scrounge up a lawyer for myself.”

  She cringed, thinking about her bank account. It wasn’t in horrible shape, but—particularly after her vacation in the Caribbean—she really didn’t need to be forking over money for legal fees.

  Something flickered in Seth’s eyes. Something that almost looked like respect.

  “If it’s all right, I’d like to be kept updated on your pregnancy too,” he continued. “You’ll let me know how things are progressing?”

  Erin stared up at him in surprise. “Of course.”

  She was silent for a moment, and finally Seth shifted from foot to foot. “I assume you’re not expecting me to get down on one knee and propose now.” His voice was dry and amused.

  “You do that, and I’d definitely faint. I’m a little woozy as it is, so I wouldn’t risk it if I were you.” She paused. “That’s one thing at least we’re agreed on. This isn’t a sappy romance, and this baby isn’t going to draw us together into some sort of eternal love.”

  “I’m glad we can both be realistic about it.”

  Erin smiled back at him, feeling oddly comforted by his reaction. If he were as matter-of-fact about this as she was, then maybe it wouldn’t have to be complicated.

  Then, gazing up at him—a powerful, articulate, attractive, unattainable man—she experienced a surreal feeling that was made up of terror and bewilderment and wonder. “Are we really having a baby?”

  “I believe that’s what you came here to tell me.”

  She shook her head. “Weird.”

  She had looked away momentarily, but—when her eyes returned to his face—she caught a look that was as unexpected as it was telling. He looked almost anxious.

  He’d acted calm, controlled, and down-to-earth about this whole thing, but it couldn’t have been as easy as that. Erin had spent two weeks brooding over this change in her life and desperately trying to figure out what to do about it. Seth seemed to have made his decision in just a few minutes, but there must be more going on that she couldn’t see.

  She couldn’t help but wonder why he’d been so quick to ask for involvement. He’d never had a real family himself. He’d never really had anyone—except Mac, whom he’d pushed away. She knew there might be lonely, wounded parts to his soul that he never revealed to anyone.

  But there was no use in worrying too much about it. Seth was his own person, and he made his own decisions. As long as they didn’t interfere unduly with Erin’s decisions, she was happy for him to decide whatever he wanted.

  They could work out some sort of system to make his involvement as simple and non-threatening as possible.

  She put a hand on her belly as she made her way out of his office and over to the elevator.

  Still couldn’t believe she was having a baby.

  ***

  Two weeks later, Erin pushed open her door and kind of fell into her apartment. She was dead on her feet and wondered why no one had ever told her before how utterly exhausting it was to be pregnant.

  She didn’t have to even do anything to get tired—just being awake drained her completely.

  And today had been a particularly long day.

  Her job was pretty decent. She liked Judge Hargrove. Although he was a lot more conservative than she was, he was also an incredibly kind man. At least her job allowed her to be on the periphery of the career she’d always wanted. Occasionally, she imagined herself getting a windfall and going back to law school.

  But Erin was a realist now—a cynic, as Seth labeled her—and she never expected any of her dreams to come true.

  She dropped her bag on the floor, shrugged off her jacket, and then collapsed on her couch.

  Even her breasts were hurting today, and she sneered down at them, feeling crabby at the entire world—including her breasts—and wishing she didn’t have to go back into work tomorrow.

  Being pregnant sucked.

  It was a wonder that anyone did it.

  She tried to relax and was about to doze off when a ringing phone startled her awake—making her sit up with a jerk and causing her stomach to heave a little. She really should have eaten something when she got home. Having an empty stomach always nauseated her more.

  Breathing deeply and laying back down on the couch, Erin reached over to pick up her telephone. “Hello.”

  “Hi,” a familiar male voice spoke on the other end of the line. “It’s me. Seth.”

  “Hi.” She’d only seen Seth once since their encounter in his office—and that was in a meeting with their lawyers as they were negotiating terms for a parental arrangement. That meeting had gone much more smoothly than Erin had expected, and her lawyer had told her that Seth must have gone into the negotiations intending to be agreeable, since he hadn’t asked for anything that Erin wasn’t willing to give.

  Other than that, Erin had been so wrapped up in being pregnant and trying to envision her life in the future that she hadn’t thought about Seth in any significant way for more than a week.

  “Just checking in,” he explained. “I hadn’t heard from you, and I’d mentioned that I’d like to be kept up-to-date with the pregnancy.”

  “Oh,” she mumbled, trying to decide if she had the energy to go into the kitchen and find some crackers to eat. “Right. Well, it’s only been a couple of weeks. Nothing new is happening.”

  “Everything is going smoothly?” he asked, his voice cool and impersonal.

  Erin had no idea what he was asking or why he wanted to know. Maybe he just wanted to know if the baby was healthy so far. She hadn’t taken him for a worrier, but what the hell did she know. “Everything’s fine. I feel like crap, of course, but that’s normal. Everything’s progressing as it should. I saw the heartbeat last week.”

  There was a significant pause. “You saw the heartbeat?”

  “Yes.” She felt just a flicker of sentiment at the memory of that moment in the doctor’s office. She supposed, for some women, that would have been a deeply emotional experience, but for her it had been kind of hard.

  She hadn’t told anyone but Seth about the pregnancy yet, so she’d basically gone through it alone. Rather than making her feel nurturing and motherly, it had terrified her. Concrete evidence of what was happening inside her body.

  Maybe she would have felt differently if she’d had a husband to experience the heartbeat with her, but she’d left the appointment feeling rather strange and uncomfortable. Wondered if it was proof that she was an unnatural mother. “They did an ultrasound at my last appointment, and the heartbeat is normal.”

  Another long pause from Seth. “And I’m just hearing about it now?”

  “Was I supposed to report it to you? It was just a routine thing.”

  Seth’s voice was a little tight as he responded. “I thought I’d made it clear that I wanted to be involved in the pregnancy and not just wait until the child is born.”

  “Well, yeah, but I thought...I mean, I didn’t know I was going to have to tell you every little thing.” She scowled, feeling horrible and now annoyed with Seth for making her feel like she’d done something wrong. “Would you like to know how many times I throw up each week? Or how many times I have to get up to pee every night? Just what kind of involvement are you expecting?”

  “You’re being intentionally obtuse. You obviously know there’s a difference between that and the first detection of the heartbeat.”

  “For God’s sake,” Erin complained, knowing he had a point but kind of surprised by it. Who would have thought Seth Thom
as would want to hear about such a thing? “Don’t get snotty. I’m sorry. I should have let you know. I guess I didn’t think that’s what you meant by being involved.”

  “And what did you think I did mean then?”

  Erin thought for a moment. Admitted, “I have no idea. I’m sorry. Next time something like that happens, I’ll let you know.”

  Her words were followed by another tense silence. “And I suppose it’s also unimaginable that I might not want to merely hear about it afterwards?”

  She actually groaned—only partly because she felt so wretchedly ill. “Are you kidding me? You’re saying you want to be there at the appointments? Please don’t tell me you’re getting sappy ideas about this whole endeavor and you want to hold my hand or something.”

  “It’s not prompted by sappiness, so no need for you to cringe.” He still sounded a little unpleasant. “But I told you I wanted to be involved. My understanding is that it’s a fairly typical father’s involvement.”

  “Maybe, but we’re not in a relationship, and I’m not that thrilled about your being present at my pelvic exams. I don’t want things to get weird between us.”

  The quality of Seth’s silence was different than before, and she could tell he wasn’t annoyed now but rather sorting through his thoughts. “When is your next scheduled ultrasound?”

  “I don’t know. They don’t just do them at the drop of a hat, so it might be a while before—”

  “I’ll contact your doctor.”

  “You sure as hell will not! They wouldn’t talk to you anyway. I’ll find out and let you know. You can come to the next one if you want, but I’m not going to invite you to everything. Just because I’m having a baby doesn’t mean I have to give up all my privacy.”

  “Agreed. Call my office with the time and place of the next ultrasound.’

  Erin muttered under her breath for a minute. Then said, “If you descend into gooey sentiment over this pregnancy, I’ll be greatly disappointed in you.”

  “No worries on that score, but I’ve told you more than once now that I want to be involved.”