Nameless

by Claire Kent

  Erin gaped at him. “Part of what?”

  “I don’t know how to do any of this,” he amended softly, finally releasing her.

  Her upper arms tingled where his strong hands had been. “Me either. But you’ll be fine. You’ll be great.”

  “How can you be sure?” The words were almost diffident, but she realized he really wanted to know.

  Erin wiped the rest of her tears away, feeling awkward in the wake of so much emotion. “You’re good at everything.”

  Seth gave her a very strange look in response.

  They stared at each other for a minute.

  She was anxious and confused by all of this, and her cynical side screamed at her to find something to mock, something to laugh at. Anything to break all this intensity.

  She had to escape momentarily.

  So she heard herself muttering, “I have to pee.” Then she trudged into the bathroom.

  After she’d finished, Erin began to wash her hands, turning the wet soap slowly between her palms. She realized in that moment that she was actually rather comforted by Seth’s outburst.

  At least hers wasn’t the only life that had been turned upside down by this. The idea was somehow heartening.

  She glanced down. “You weren’t listening to what I said about your daddy, were you?”

  Only silence followed.

  “Good. Because that’s nothing for you to worry about. He’s going to try to be a good daddy for you. We'll just ignore all the rest.”

  She squeezed her hands together spasmodically, and the soap she was still holding shot out from between her palms, flew over the side of the sink, and plopped onto the tile floor.

  Erin rolled her eyes. That would teach her to use the fancy, French bar soap Liz had given her instead of plain, old liquid from a pump.

  Without thinking, Erin bent over automatically to pick it up. Then rethought the movement when her lower back muscles cramped up and she almost lost her balance.

  So, instead, Erin used her legs to lower herself the way she was supposed to, bending her knees slowly into a squat and balancing herself with one hand on the side of the tub, before she reached again for the soap.

  She’d almost reached it when her damp hand slipped on the slick tub.

  The result was inevitable, but unreasonably terrifying. Erin lost her balance and started falling forward. In a panic, she jerked backwards so she wouldn’t fall onto her stomach. Tried to catch herself with her hands.

  She steadied herself for a moment in a tenuous squat, but her hand was still a little soapy. It slipped again on the tub. This time, Erin started tilting backwards, and she couldn’t stop.

  Landed on her butt with a bump that jarred her but didn’t really hurt her.

  She was breathless, disoriented, and suffering from residual panic, however. It shouldn't have been that scary—just a minor debacle caused by her thoughtlessness and her unavoidable clumsiness from the extra weight in her belly—but her heart pounded painfully and she was sweating a little anyway.

  Her butt was sore from landing on it, and her thighs ached from trying to catch and support her weight.

  She tried to breathe deeply and force her anxiety down. This wasn’t the end of the world. It wasn’t always easy to pull herself up from the floor now, but she could do it. She’d done it before.

  She tried to arrange her legs effectively and then grabbed at the tub and sink for support, but she couldn’t seem to stop shaking. Her thighs and arms seemed weaker than normal—not strong enough to pull her up. And her hands kept slipping, even after she tried to wipe them on her pants.

  It was like an absurd nightmare. Trapped on the bathroom floor with a fucking bar of soap.

  She tried again to heave herself up, but her hands slipped and she lost her balance once more. Jarred herself again when she landed.

  Felt more panicked than ever—no matter how utterly irrational it was.

  The whole thing was humiliating. Mortifying. Absolutely ridiculous. If she could just calm down, she could steady herself and think through the best way to get herself to her feet.

  All she needed to do was calm down and think. Not panic.

  “Seth!” she called before she could stop herself.

  It was all wrong. She hadn’t meant to call for help. She had meant to think clearly and get herself up on her own. “Stupid,” she muttered, her whole body starting to ache. “Stupid.”

  Seth burst through the door. “Erin?” He took in the situation at a glance and was immediately on his knees beside her. “What happened? Are you all right? What’s wrong? Damn it, Erin, talk to me!” His hands and eyes moved over her urgently, as if desperately searching for any damage that might have been done.

  At least she wasn’t the only one who’d fallen into a panic for no reason.

  She tried to laugh at the irony, but she couldn’t. She just couldn’t. “I can’t get up!”

  For a moment, Seth looked uncomprehending. As if he’d expected a disaster that hadn’t materialized. Then his face transformed with a flood of relief.

  It took him a moment before he could finally say, in an admirably dry voice, “Well, why didn’t you just say so?”

  Erin just scowled in response.

  “I’m surprised you’re willing to let me help,” Seth added.

  “I don’t want your help,” she explained. “But I got confused and can’t figure out how to get up by myself.”

  Seth smothered a smile and stood up, scanning the situation briefly. Then he stepped around her. Leaned over from behind. “I don’t want to just jerk you up by the arms, so we’ll try it this way.”

  Seth came at her from behind and got his arms under her armpits. “Ready?”

  She almost laughed then at how they must look: Erin sprawled out on the bathroom floor and Seth, in his suit, trying valiantly to haul her up. The more she visualized it, the more she shook with amusement.

  “Erin?” Seth’s voice was right in her ear, and it was starting to sound concerned.

  So she subdued her giggles. “Ready.”

  He began to lift her, supporting the awkward weight of her upper body until Erin was able to get her feet under her and hold herself up with her legs.

  Soon, she was standing on her own again, and she was torn between amusement and agonizing embarrassment. To distract herself, she stuck her hands under the still running faucet to rinse off the residual soap.

  Seth had bent over to pick up the diabolical bar of soap that had caused all the trouble. He handed it to her. “I might suggest liquid soap from now on.”

  “Shut up,” she muttered, drying her hands.

  Instead of leaving, Seth just stood there in silence, watching her.

  Feeling uncomfortably self-conscious, dried her hands.

  “Erin?” he prompted at last.

  She made a face. “Thanks. I'm fine. I just panicked. I could have gotten myself up, although I do appreciate your help.”

  “Maybe you should think about—”

  “Don’t you dare suggest that I need someone to look after me,” Erin interrupted angrily. “I’m pregnant. Not incapacitated. Some women take care of little kids while they’re this pregnant. I can at least manage to lug just myself around without a babysitter.”

  He swallowed so hard she could see it in his throat. Looked heartily displeased. But didn’t argue.

  Erin got another glimpse of herself in the mirror and shuddered. Remembered fondly how nice she’d looked at the beginning of the evening.

  Then she focused again. She realized that Seth was probably just worried—not trying to control her. He was concerned, not manipulating her or trying to take over everything. And she supposed that it was nice that he was worried about her and the baby. As long as he didn't let it get out of hand.

  So her response was much gentler than it had been before. “If it seems like I can’t manage on my own, I won’t stay by myself anymore. I promise. You know I wouldn’t put her in danger.”

&nb
sp; Seth’s face relaxed slightly. “I know.”

  “I’m awkward and clumsy, like most pregnant women, but I’m doing just fine. Really.”

  He nodded slowly, almost reluctantly. “I know.”

  Erin felt weird at his easy compliance. And even weirder as she realized that he was getting more wrapped up in this baby than he’d intended, which would naturally lead him to try to have more control over it.

  But still, he was being pretty reasonable, and she should be grateful for that—knowing he could have acted far differently.

  As she turned to leave the bathroom, Erin gasped. Her lower back had clenched up painfully.

  “What is it?” Seth asked urgently, immediately ready for a crisis again.

  “It’s just my back. It hurts about half the time now, and it just cramped up.”

  “Do you need anything?”

  Tonight, the clench in her back was particularly bad. Probably from her antics on the bathroom floor. She swallowed over the pain and answered, “No. It’s normal. Just annoying. I think I’ll just lie down for a few minutes.”

  They walked into her bedroom together, and she carefully lowered herself onto the mattress, rolling over onto her side and trying to relax her tense muscles.

  The baby had been kicking around since she’d started screaming at Seth. Erin could still feel her moving restlessly.

  Giving a long sigh, Erin felt tired, confused, stressed, sore, and just wanted everything to be over.

  Seth sat down on the side of the bed, and Erin could feel the mattress shift with his weight. "How is she?" he asked softly.

  "She's fine. Just really active tonight." She noticed him eyeing her belly, so she offered, "You can feel if you want."

  He didn't respond immediately, but eventually he moved his hand out slowly until it rested on her abdomen. He only left it there for a minute before he moved it back to the bed beside him.

  “What about this?” he began, in a low, textured voice.

  Erin blinked at him.

  “I know I suggested this before and you refused, but I still it’s the best possible compromise. We hire a nanny who spends the days with her while you’re working. But the nanny won’t live with you, and she won’t be around when you don’t want her to be.”

  Something tight and desperate in Erin’s chest began to ease at his words. She’d adamantly rejected the suggestion three months ago, but that was when she was determined not to accept his money at all. “That might work.”

  “You’d let me pay for that, at least?”

  Erin let out her breath. To hide her overwhelming relief at this compromise, she said, “Yes. But you don’t get to be the one who hires her. I need to be able to make that decision.” She saw Seth’s face twist, but before he could object, she explained, “I don’t mean you don’t get a say. You can, of course, approve whoever I find. You can check her out to your heart’s content and make sure you agree with the choice.”

  Seth was silent for a moment. Then he nodded. “Agreed.”

  Erin closed her eyes. “Thank God, that’s settled.”

  He was silent again—for longer, this time. “I really wasn’t trying to raise your lifestyle up to my standards. I just want the best for her.”

  “I know you do. It’s an awkward situation, but I don’t want her to have that kind of lifestyle. I don’t live like that, so she won’t either. She’s going to have as normal a childhood as possible.”

  “Understood.”

  She reached over to pat Seth's thigh companionably, but winced a little at the ache in her back when she moved. “I need to turn over,” she explained as she shifted awkwardly to her other side. She reached over and grabbed a pillow. Positioned it between her knees in an attempt to ease the pressure on her back.

  She'd turned away from Seth, but she could sense him moving behind her. Felt a little self-conscious and exposed with her back to him in this position—the same position they'd used to fuck two months ago.

  Then suddenly his hands were on her shoulders.

  She jerked away. “What are you doing?” she demanded, glaring at him over her shoulder.

  Seth made an exasperated face. “I thought your back was hurting, so I was going to give you a backrub.”

  Erin blushed hotly as she realized that her automatic response had been woefully, stupidly wrong-headed. “Oh.”

  “What did you think I was doing?”

  She blushed even more deeply. “Nothing.”

  Apparently, Seth figured it out anyway. “For God’s sake, Erin. You’re eight months pregnant, we’ve been arguing for an hour, I just hauled you up from the bathroom floor, you’re still on the verge of tears, and your back is hurting so much you wince every time you move. Do you really think I’m in the mood to proposition you?”

  Erin scowled. Certainly, this wasn’t an ideal time for sex, but he didn’t have to make it sound that repellant.

  True, she wasn’t at her best this evening, and she hadn’t looked or felt sexy for weeks. But, still, he’d enjoyed it last time.

  She muttered grumpily, “I sure hope not.”

  Seth glared at her, just as bad-tempered as she was. “Do you want a backrub or not?”

  “Yes, please.”

  He started on her shoulders and moved downward, and his hands were strong and skillful as he kneaded her tired, tense muscles through her thin shirt.

  It felt incredible. To begin with, Erin released long, blissful sighs as he massaged her expertly. But soon the sighs turned into hoarse moans. And then to low cries of, “Oh, God, that’s good,” and “Yeah, there, right there.”

  She stretched and groaned in pleasure—her body responding deliciously to his touch by relaxing completely.

  After a while, she realized he couldn’t get to the side she was lying on, so she murmured, “I need to turn over.”

  Seth removed his hands, and she slowly and awkwardly switched onto her other side. Seth shifted to the other side of the bed and started up the lovely backrub once more.

  Erin immediately started moaning and gasping with pleasure again. “God,” she breathed at last, “I’ve been missing out all these months.”

  He didn’t answer.

  “You’re really good at this,” she added, deciding he deserved a little praise.

  No answer.

  “I mean, really. You could start a new career as a masseur.”

  Again, no answer.

  It was getting annoying.

  She glanced over her shoulder. “Seth?” His face was tense and slightly flushed, which was quite unexpected. “You all right?”

  “I’m fine,” he gritted out.

  And suddenly, Erin experienced a flood of enlightenment. Since she couldn’t maneuver her body enough to actually look down to prove her suspicions, she reached behind her blindly until she found his crotch.

  Until she felt the hard bulge there.

  “Ha!” she gloated, feeling more gratified than offended and recognizing a sudden rush of something akin to relief. “Liar! You said you weren’t in the mood.”

  Seth narrowed his eyes and glared at her stonily, attempting to retain his dignity in admittedly discomfiting circumstances. “I wasn’t. Until you proceeded to moan and writhe in pleasure for the last half-hour, as if you were in the throes of passion.”

  Erin gasped indignantly. “It hasn’t been a half-hour! And I did no such thing!”

  “You certainly did. It was like the soundtrack to a porn film.”

  Erin tried to recall what she’d said as she’d been getting that wonderful backrub. Decided she might have gotten a little carried away. “Sorry. I didn't mean to. It’s just that I really did appreciate the backrub.”

  “Yes, I gathered that from your enthusiastic verbal response.”

  His voice was so dry and ironic—a sure sign that he wasn’t really annoyed—that Erin giggled. “Sorry about that. It never occurred to me that...I mean, I just assumed you wouldn't...After all, I'm...Plus, I’m really not in the
mood.”

  “I know.” He spoke as if what she'd just said had made sense.

  Erin tried to sort through her responses, recognizing that she was a little embarrassed, and a little gratified, and a little uncertain, and a little relieved that Seth wasn't totally immune to her dubious charms.

  She also realized that she was going to have to be very careful. Not about her verbal responses to getting a backrub from Seth, but about relying too much on him for too many things.

  As soon as she was no longer pregnant, Seth wasn’t likely to be there to have dinner with her, haul her up off the bathroom floor, help her when she was sick, give her intimate backrubs, or give her ego a boost by getting turned on even though she was an enormous, blubbering mess.

  He was into this pregnancy. He wasn’t into her.

  He was growing to care about their daughter. He'd never said or revealed anything that should make Erin think he cared about her too.

  He liked her well enough, she supposed. Just as she liked him.

  But he had his own life and his own dating interests. And that was perfectly fine.

  It would be wise, though, to start preparing for the inevitable distancing. He wasn’t likely to be so protective and supportive of her once she was no longer carrying his baby.

  She’d enjoy the privileges while she could, but she wouldn’t lose her realistic and somewhat cynical perspective.

  People didn’t often change, and the way they most commonly surprised you was by disappointing you.

  Nothing to be bitter about here. Seth was acting far better than a lot of men would. But, still, best to be prepared for when it would change.

  Just over a month now.

  Putting those thoughts away, she glanced back at him. He stared glumly at the wall across the room. “Do you want any help with that?” She gestured at his crotch.

  He raised his eyebrows in disdainful surprise.

  “I give a decent hand job,” she explained. Actually, she kind of liked that idea—at least in theory.