Nameless

by Claire Kent

  “No. Of course not.”

  She wasn’t entirely sure the words were true, though.

  It was all Liz’s fault.

  Erin had been doing perfectly well. Everything had finally fallen into place. She’d been content with everyone’s position in her life. And it had felt like the future could actually be comfortable and secure, with things lined up the way they were supposed to, with Seth in her life but all her strongholds still in place.

  Erin scowled at her sister’s back.

  Damn Liz, anyway.

  Putting ideas into her head.

  Fifteen

  Erin was close to crying from frustration as she tried to hurriedly pick out something to wear. Mackenzie was screaming again, however, and Erin couldn’t even think, much less figure out her best choice of outfit for a double date with Liz and her current boyfriend, and the guy they were setting her up with this evening.

  When Mackenzie’s squalls changed from the ornery to the downright hysterical, Erin left the closet and returned to the bassinet. Reached down and picked up the sobbing infant.

  “Please, pumpkin,” she murmured, taking deep breaths so she wouldn’t get annoyed. “I can't hold you constantly. I’ve got to get dressed before Aunt Liz gets here. Is it really so bad you have to scream about it?”

  Apparently, it was that bad, since Mackenzie’s cries didn’t lessen. She’d been fussy all day—so fussy that now, after six o'clock in the evening, Erin was on the verge of either shrieking or collapsing in exhaustion. Usually, Mackenzie slept a lot during the day, giving Erin a few moments of peace on Saturdays, when she had her all day.

  But not today.

  Twice today Erin had already had momentary breakdowns, when she’d felt so helpless and tired that she hadn’t been able to hold back a few tears.

  She was almost at the point of crying again.

  Which was magnified by the fact that she was about to go on a blind date.

  Her first date in months.

  She’d managed to catch a three-minute shower an hour ago, during one of the brief lulls in Mackenzie’s bad-temper, but she was still wearing a bathrobe and had been forced into a hit-and-miss approach with her hair and make-up, since she hadn’t had enough time or concentration to devote to primping.

  Sitting on the edge of her bed, Erin held Mackenzie upright as the baby’s sobs diminished to choked, little hiccups. “That’s better,” Erin said soothingly, rubbing Mackenzie’s back. “Do you have a tummy ache? Do you need to do another burp?”

  The baby squirmed and scowled at Erin. Her fine red-gold hair was practically standing up straight on her head, and her lavender sleeper was twisted around her body. She didn’t seem to want to burp again, though. The tiny hands were clenched in fists as her arms flailed around irritably.

  Erin forced herself to remain patient even as another wave of exasperation rose in her gut. It wasn’t Mackenzie’s fault. The poor thing couldn’t help if she was miserable and wanted her mommy to make it better.

  Her mommy just didn’t know what to do.

  Mackenzie didn’t seem to be sick—at least not by any signs that Erin could find, and she’d examined her daughter in detail from top to bottom at least seven times today. Anyway, the cries didn’t sound like the ones Mackenzie normally made when she was hungry or in pain. Mostly, they just sounded tired and miserable.

  Much like Erin herself.

  As Erin had expected, Mackenzie didn’t need to burp. So Erin just pulled her daughter against her chest and held her close. After a minute, Mackenzie’s gurgles faded, and Erin relaxed for a minute, enjoying the exquisite moment of quiet.

  She was just wondering if it was safe to put her down for a minute so she could get dressed when there was a knock at the front door of her apartment.

  “There’s your daddy,” Erin said, keeping her voice light so as not to disturb her momentarily quiet baby. “You get to hang out with him tonight. Won’t that be fun?”

  Mackenzie didn’t appear to be looking forward to it, if her grumpy expression was anything to go by.

  With Mackenzie in her arms, Erin hurried to the door. Pulled it open to reveal Seth standing in the hallway, looking cool, casual, and positively scrumptious.

  Not that Erin was in the habit of noticing such things.

  Eyeing him in automatic assessment, she said, “Didn’t you wear a coat?”

  “I was outside for approximately thirty seconds. Why should I bother?” His eyes moved from her tousled hair to her wrinkled robe to her bare feet. “I assume that’s not what you’re planning to wear this evening.”

  Erin sneered, stepping aside to let him into the apartment. “A brilliant deduction on your part. I haven’t had time to get dressed yet. We haven’t had a very good day.”

  “Then you probably don’t want to bother going out this evening. Best to just stay here and relax.”

  Erin shot him an exasperated look over Mackenzie’s head.

  Seth almost smiled. “Thought I’d give it a try.”

  “Would you mind taking her while I run get dressed?” Erin asked, adjusting their daughter so she could hand her to Seth. “Liz will be here in less than ten minutes.”

  As soon as Seth took Mackenzie in his arms, however, the baby started to scream again. Loud, angry, ear-piercing.

  Erin groaned. “She’s been doing that all day. I hope she’s going to be okay for you.” She took a step over to rub Mackenzie’s back. “It’s okay, pumpkin. You love your daddy too.”

  Seth’s face was intently focused as he studied his sobbing daughter’s reddening face. “I’m sure those are just cries of delight from her joy to see me.”

  Erin gave him a sympathetic smile. “Maybe try the swing. I just need to get dressed. I’ll be right back.”

  “Take your time,” Seth told her, as he carried Mackenzie over to the swing.

  Trying to drown out her daughter’s squalls, Erin hurried into her bedroom. There, she randomly picked out a pair of flattering pants and a thin, rose-colored sweater that dipped at the neckline and emphasized her figure.

  There was no way Erin was going to bother with a skirt this evening. Even if this was supposed to be a date.

  Mackenzie was still crying when Erin slipped her shoes on and ran into the bathroom to make sure her hair and makeup weren’t going to embarrass her. She wiped off a stray smear of mascara and patted down the worst of the fly-aways in her hair.

  This was the best she was going to manage today.

  “I just can’t imagine it’s that terrible,” Seth was telling Mackenzie when Erin returned to the living room. "Certainly nothing to get so upset about."

  “Apparently it is,” Erin put in, shaking her head at her daughter, who was waving her hands in frustration as she screamed.

  Seth gave an almost imperceptible start, as if she’d surprised him. “Is she hungry?”

  “I just fed her twenty minutes ago. And changed her diaper. I think she’s just in a bad mood.” Erin walked over and lifted Mackenzie out of the swing, which caused the infant’s wails to diminish. Erin sighed and jiggled her a little, which Mackenzie usually loved. The motion caused the baby to snuggle against her even closer.

  Seth had apparently shifted his focus from his daughter to Erin’s choice of outfit. His eyebrows shot up. “You’re not wearing that, are you?”

  Erin actually gasped, feeling an immediate, defensive indignation—and a little pang of hurt. “Yes,” she said, trying to keep her tone calm so as not to upset Mackenzie. “I am. What’s wrong with this?” Leaning over, she put the baby back in the swing. Hooked the strap securely and started it up.

  Mackenzie scowled and squirmed, but she didn’t start crying immediately, which Erin took to be a very good sign. Using that opportunity, she strode back into her room to put on her watch and a pair of earrings, which she’d forgotten before.

  Seth followed her. “Nothing is wrong with it, if your purpose is to flash every man you meet tonight.”

  Erin g
asped again. Glanced in the mirror. The neckline showed a little cleavage, but certainly no more than what was commonly acceptable. “That’s ridiculous,” she snapped. “I’m far more covered than most of the women you’ve ever dated, so you can keep your snotty, offensive remarks to yourself. This is a date. What do you expect me to wear? A snow suit?”

  Her voice became shriller as she spoke, mostly because she recognized what was prompting Seth’s irrational response. He was practically bristling with coiled resentment and possessiveness, and it made Erin feel inordinately self-conscious. Over the last five weeks, she and Seth had been on friendly, pleasant terms, but mostly because they never brought up what was always simmering just below the surface.

  It was inevitable, she supposed, that it should start to bubble over now that she was thinking about dating again.

  Seth looked like he was about to bite out another acidic remark, but he swallowed it down. “Your outfit is fine. Who is this guy, anyway?”

  Erin put on her earrings and tried to force back her annoyance. No use to get into a fight with Seth over something so ridiculous. “He’s a friend of the guy Liz is dating. Liz says he’s nice. I haven’t met him yet.”

  “Ah,” Seth breathed, as if he’d been enlightened.

  “What is that supposed to mean?”

  “‘Nice’ tends to be a code-word for boring.”

  “It is not. Liz doesn’t like boring men, and she likes this guy.” She actually hadn’t been holding out a lot of hope for her date this evening, but she wasn’t about to let Seth get away with this insufferable arrogance. “And what the hell gives you the right to make assumptions about the kind of guy I’m interested in. You don’t know me as well as you think.”

  Getting worried for a minute, she darted out into the hallway to check on Mackenzie. The baby was still rocking her swing. Not sleeping but at least momentarily quiet as she stared up at the turning mobile above her.

  Satisfied, Erin returned to her bedroom, where Seth was still waiting.

  His smirk had faded, and he now stared at her with a narrow gaze. “Don’t deceive yourself into believing that what you just said is actually true. I know you, Erin.”

  “That’s not even the point. The point is that my date is none of your business. Besides, it’s not like I’m looking for the love of my life this evening. I just want to go on a date.”

  “If you just want to go out, then why can’t—”

  “Seth,” she interrupted, feeling a sudden flare of fear as what had been left unsaid for more than a month was about to come out in the open again. “You know I don’t feel that way ab—”

  “It doesn’t have to be romantic,” he insisted in clipped tones. He was still cool and composed, but with a tenseness underlying it. “We had a perfectly acceptable arrangement in place while you were pregnant, and I’m more than happy to continue it indefinitely.”

  Erin’s eyes widened, feeling a sudden heat in her cheeks. “You mean...” All of a sudden, she was bombarded with images of them in bed—the visuals hot, erotic, and horribly unsettling. “You want to...Even though you...” She was starting to babble like an idiot, so she decided it would be best to stop before she humiliated herself.

  Seth raised his eyebrows slightly. “Just because I don’t feel casually about you doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t enjoy the arrangement we had before.”

  Erin was almost tempted for a moment—feeling physical desire for the first time in months, as she was hit with the succession of dizzying images of the two of them, tangled together and naked.

  She didn’t even really consider it, though. She could never enjoy the sex the way she had before, not knowing that Seth was taking it more seriously than she was.

  “My wanting to date isn’t about sex,” Erin explained, rubbing the back of her head with an overload of nervous energy. “I’m not just looking for a good time or some kind of release. I want to...I don’t know. I just want to start up that part of my life again.” Releasing a breath, she tried to make him understand. “So much of my life is about Mackenzie now, and—even though I hadn’t planned this—I wouldn’t change it for anything. But that doesn’t mean that...that’s all there has to be in my life. I want to...” With a defeated sigh, she mumbled, “I don’t know. Just forget it.”

  But Seth nodded like he understood, and for a moment Erin thought maybe he did.

  “So your grand gesture toward whole personhood is to go on a blind date?” His voice was dry and skeptical.

  Erin snorted, torn between annoyance and amusement. “Well, at least it’s a start.”

  Seth didn’t look besotted or heart-broken or emotional or affectionate. In fact, if Erin hadn’t known better, she’d have had a lot of trouble believing he had real feelings for her.

  But a glimpse of something nameless in his eyes made her throat ache. She looked down at the floor. “But maybe I shouldn’t have asked you to stay with Mackenzie tonight. It seems a little...insensitive.”

  “If it were a problem for me, I wouldn’t do it. I'm glad you thought of me rather than simply using the nanny. I’m not about to miss the opportunity to spend some time with my daughter alone.”

  This made Erin jerk up her head, another ache in her throat—this one of guilt. “I’m sorry you don’t get a lot of time with her. You know when she gets older she can come stay with you on some weekends and things. But it’s so hard when she’s nursing. In another month, I’ll start her on some solid food, so pretty soon—”

  “Erin,” Seth interrupted. “I wasn’t reproaching you. Just explaining why I agreed to watch Mackenzie tonight. I assumed that’s why you asked me, because you knew I’d like the opportunity.”

  Erin nodded her assent.

  Then Seth quirked his mouth again. “But, since you’ve clearly had a very bad day, it’s probably best you not bother going out this evening after all. I’ll be more than willing to let you spend the evening with me and Mackenzie.”

  She couldn’t help it. Laughter bubbled up helplessly from her throat.

  When she and Seth shared a smile, Erin felt something strange and warm welling up in her chest.

  Which disappeared the instant she heard Mackenzie start to cry again.

  With a frustrated groan, Erin hurried back into the living room. “I hope she doesn’t do this for you all evening.”

  Seth joined her, and they both stared down at their screaming daughter.

  After a minute, Erin couldn’t stand it anymore. She reached down to pick Mackenzie up. Hugging her against her chest, Erin jostled the infant gently. The crying softened a little, but didn’t stop. “Pumpkin,” she murmured, an edge of despair in her voice. “I don’t know what’s wrong. I’m sorry I can’t make it better.”

  When she glanced over at Seth, she discovered he was watching her strangely.

  Feeling like she’d been caught exposing herself in some way, Erin shook her head. “I can’t leave her with you if she’s like this.”

  “We’ll be fine,” Seth assured her, although he looked a little stiff.

  Blowing out a breath, Erin said over Mackenzie’s cries, “Let’s try the pacifier. She didn’t want it earlier today, but it usually helps. There’s a clean one in the dishwasher. Would you mind?”

  Seth agreeably walked into the kitchen and returned with a pacifier. Erin offered it to Mackenzie, and—after a moment—she consented to settle down and suck on it.

  Erin almost groaned in relief as she felt her daughter relaxing in her arms. “Hopefully, she’ll be so exhausted from her long day that she’ll sleep a lot of the time I’m gone. You know where her diapers and everything are, right? And she’ll be hungry in a couple of hours. There’s breast-milk in the refrigerator. You know how to—”

  Giving her an impatient look from under his brows, Seth interrupted, “I know how to feed her. I know where everything is. I’ve been over here a lot in the last month, remember?”

  “Right. Thanks for doing this.” She handed Mackenzie over to Seth, w
ho adjusted the infant against his chest.

  This time, Mackenzie didn’t start screaming. She just lounged against Seth, sucking contentedly on the white pacifier, even though her expression was still rather crabby.

  Erin smiled fondly and shook her head. “I’ve been trying not to give her the pacifier all the time, so she doesn’t get too dependent. I know it’s trendy to not use pacifiers at all, but sometimes it’s the only thing that—”

  “Erin,” Seth cut in crisply. He actually sounded annoyed. “Why are you explaining yourself to me? Do you think I’m going to question you? The American Academy of Pediatrics has claimed that there’s nothing psychologically or medically harmful about infants using pacifiers. Do you actually believe I’m so arrogant that I’d think to know better than them?"

  Erin was momentarily so overwhelmed by embarrassment and a strange sort of comfort that she felt like shuffling her feet. “Oh. Sorry. I guess I’m always kind of worried that I’m going to screw up.”

  Then she registered everything Seth had just said.

  Incongruously, she began to giggle.

  He narrowed his eyes. “Now what have I done to make you laugh at me?”

  “Nothing. You’ve been great. It’s just kind of funny that you know so many facts about pacifiers.”

  “As I’ve told you before, I always do my research.”

  He looked so incongruous that Erin couldn't quite process it. Articulate, handsome, and professional, with his chiseled features and smug sneer, dressed in expensive trousers and a dress shirt, despite the casual setting. And yet he was holding a blue-eyed baby, who wore a sloppy purple sleeper and sucked on a pacifier, and every once in a while he jostled her lightly, just like Erin did herself.

  It was Seth. The same Seth he’d been last year.

  His brows lowered. “What is it?”

  “Nothing. Thanks for doing this.”

  “You’ve said that now three times.”

  Erin was saved from having to think of a response by a knock at the door. She hurried over to let her sister in.