Unsuitable

by Ainslie Paton

  “Homie, see that waxhead in the yellow trucker cap?” Polly tipped his chin towards the kid. Reece had noticed him too. He was eyeballing Etta so hard, you could see macular degeneration. “He bothering you?”

  Etta eyeballed the guy. She’d perfected the death stare. The surfer boy suddenly found his feet fascinating. “Nope.”

  Reece smiled. Polly would do anything for any of the girls. An only child, he’d learned how to bottle feed same time as Reece did, they’d played countless video games while babysitting the girls together. After all the mad, bad things they’d done together, it was only now there was strain in their friendship over Reece’s decision not to join the business.

  He checked the clock on the surf club wall. Audrey would be here soon. He ID-ed a runaway skateboard on target to skittle a free-range toddler whose dad was one of the face in a screen tribe. No sign of mum or the skater. He put a foot out and stopped the board, an arm out and lifted the toddler clear of it. The toddler was back on his feet and on his way without realising it wasn’t someone he knew who’d scooped him up, and the dad never lifted his eyes.

  “Catch,” said Polly.

  Reece laughed. Maybe that was good omen. When he felt Sky’s arm around his waist and turned to kiss her hello, he decided to believe Double Standard Dude might just get away with it.

  6: Stalker

  Les looked through the gap between her oversized sunnies and her enormous hat. Audrey had wanted backup for this, someone she could bounce opinions off and Les volunteered when she was thinking park, beach, time with Mia, coffee. Now that it was park, beach, Mia, coffee and surreptitiously ogling hot men, Les was beyond enthusiastic.

  Les handed Mia a dried apricot from the Tupperware container in Audrey’s daypack. “What I want to talk about is Audrey the stalker. I mean, who knew?”

  “I’m not stalking.”

  At a minimum, stalking required multiple locations. What she was doing from behind a bank of trees watching Reece and his entourage was more like spying. She hefted Mia on her hip; there was dried apricot dribble all over her shirt. Eventually Mia would learn to chew with her mouth closed, but not today.

  “Are we not hiding so we can watch your prospective manny and his manny posse, which is apparently full of junior Malibu Barbies?”

  “He doesn’t like the term manny and they’re his sisters. I asked him to set up a meeting somewhere he’d take Mia. He said he might bring his family.”

  Les flapped a hand in the general direction of their target and Mia laughed, so she did it again, just as funny. “Manny, nanny,” she hand flapped, Mia giggled, “semantics, isn’t it, Mia the Marvellous?”

  “Marvel us,” Mia agreed.

  “What I really want to talk about is hubba hubba.” Les gestured towards Reece and his gang.

  “Hubba hubba,” said Mia, then dribbled a string of saliva onto Audrey’s arm as she laughed with a mouth full of chewed apricot.

  “Did you see that rescue action. Oh, I die. You have to hire him just for his hero moves and the fact that he’s this big, gorgeous brute of a boy. I’d turn stalker for him, I would,” said Les.

  Audrey shifted Mia to her other hip. “While you’re at it, did you note the girlfriend?”

  “Tall, athletic, Asian, almost naked, has to be a model? Nope, didn’t notice her at all. Did you note the best mate? The muscles, the tatts that faux Mohawk. I think he might have one of those plug things in his ear and I’d like to lick his tattoos.”

  “Lick,” said Mia, right in Audrey’s ear.

  Les handed Mia another apricot. “The masculine handclasp thingy, that’s so butch. I’m having a hot flush and I’m too spring chook for that. I’d hire Reece for the Faux Mo friend alone.”

  Audrey hitched Mia higher on her hip. “Want to go down?” She got an emphatic headshake and an accidental hair pull. “How is you objectifying the prospective employee helping?”

  “That’s what you say to me at work when we’re negotiating a contract and you don’t think I’m being commercial enough. ‘That’s not helping, Les.’ This is the weekend. I’m helping by being here as your independent observer, like the UN.”

  Mia squirmed. “Down.”

  Audrey let Mia slither down her body and she promptly sat and snatched up a discarded chocolate bar wrapper. “No, Mia.”

  “I lick this. It’s good. Les says I can because I like it. Hubba hubba.”

  She bent and took the wrapper from Mia’s hand. “No. Dirty. Not yours.”

  “Nooo. Hubba hubba. Listen to me. I like chocolate better, and tattoos.”

  How did the little monkey know it was a chocolate wrapper? “Les is a bad influence.”

  Les laughed and Mia giggled, slanting a look from Audrey to Les. “Um-ah.”

  “I like chocolate and tattoos too. I really do, Mia,” said Les.

  “Lick them?”

  “Not today. Mummy might get mad at me.”

  “She won’t. But we need new Cameron soon or she might cry.”

  That was telling. Audrey tucked the wrapper and the Tupperware in her bag. She put her foot on the edge of the kick-plate of Mia’s three-wheel scooter and flicked it upright. Reece kept looking towards the clock on the surf club wall. Five minutes and they’d be late.

  “Well girls, what do you think about Reece bringing his entourage? Good call, bad call?”

  “Too bad,” said Mia with a shrug that knocked the strap of her fairy dress off her shoulder. She righted it with a dramatic sigh.

  “Faux Mohawk, earplug, tattoos. What’s not to like?” said Les.

  Mia stood on the scooter. “I like to lick too, especially chocolate.”

  Les pushed her sunglasses up her nose. “He’s being transparent about his life and what you can expect. Have any of the other candidates been so forthcoming?”

  She had a point. The other candidates could be members of secret satanic cults or scrapbooking nuts in their spare time for all she knew. But did it matter? There was a line between being an employer and a friend and it was best not to cross it, especially when the employee was in your own home and so hubba hubba. But how did knowing Reece had an ultra-hot girlfriend make any difference to his job application? It shouldn’t. It wasn’t relevant.

  “If you know he’s going home to that every night you won’t have to worry about any rogue attractions,” said Les.

  “Rogue attractions? You mean like the one between you and Faux Mo.” Yes, blast it, she was attracted to Reece. You’d have to be in a coma not to be.

  Les sighed. “Faux Mo is merely a dream, not a commercial reality. We both know birds would fall out of the sky dead if a stone cold fox like him even looked at me. He’d have to trip over me to notice me.”

  Audrey went to protest, to deny Les her defence mechanism, but Mia rode into her shin. “Who’s fo mo?”

  “Ow. That’s my leg. No one.”

  “Sorry leg. I want to ride now.”

  Audrey put a hand to Mia’s head. “We’re going to see Reece.” She looked at Les. Smart, funny, loyal, a wonderful colleague, and a great friend, but so beaten by the dating game, so tired of being compared to girls with fashionable figures and symmetrical faces, she’d given up and was resigned to being alone as a better option than the constant humiliation of not being chosen. She was right, Faux Mo wouldn’t notice her. But as far as Audrey was concerned, it was Les who was out of his league.

  Les took hold of the handles of Mia’s scooter. “Who do you want as new Cameron?”

  Audrey watched Reece listening to his girlfriend. There was lots of wild gesticulation on her part while he played sponge, soaking it all up. “Mia’s a little young to make that decision, don’t you think?”

  Mia looked from Les to Audrey. “I’n a big girl.”

  “All right big girl, who do you want?” said Les.

  “Reece.”

  “That was definite, Aud, and it gets around your hiring bias.”

  “My hiring bias? You mean I naturally want to h
ire someone most like me.” Or in this case anyone who wasn’t Reece. And if that was true they should go now, she could text him an excuse. It’s not like he’d be left hanging around on his own.

  “Yep. We can’t help it. It’s one of those things. We want to hire people we’re most comfortable with, so it’s no surprise those people are the most like us. Which is why you’re the only female project leader and all the others are men not dissimilar to Chris. He hired in his own image.”

  And there was that. Not to consider Reece as a serious candidate was playing to the subtle system that stopped more women becoming scientists, engineers, and computer programmers, CEOs and board members. But to hire him wasn’t without complications.

  “All the more reason I should hire a woman. Too many jobs for the boys.”

  “I thought you were above that. What happened to the best candidate wins?”

  That was a fiction and every woman who’d ever chased a dream job, or compared her salary to a male colleague’s knew it. “Mia, what about Jessie? She made you a cupcake with sprinkles.”

  Headshake. “No.”

  Maybe Reece, with his eleven interviews, knew it too. “I’m so conflicted. Mia, what about Lee or Bethany? Bethany was nice.”

  “No,” Mia said agreeably.

  “Lee could be new Cameron.”

  “No.”

  Audrey sighed. “Reece is the most qualified candidate. Big girl here thought he was all The Wiggles rolled in one and I like him, but I never envisaged hiring a male nanny. Having Cameron see me in a dressing gown is one thing but—”

  “This does call for a new dressing gown.” Less shimmered her shoulders. “Something with slink.”

  “And that’s one of the reasons I’m conflicted. That I’m thinking about new sleepwear. But then, hot girlfriend, so what does it matter if he sees me in tea-stained terry towelling?”

  “I want to ride now.”

  Les took her hands off Mia’s scooter. “Really terry towelling?”

  “Fleece, but most of my sleepwear has unfortunate stains. It’s not like anyone but Mia sees them.”

  “And that’s too much information even for me. Aud, if it bothers you to hire Reece, don’t. No point torturing yourself over it.”

  True. If only Mia hadn’t taken so easily to Reece and the idea of a male presence in her life more constant than Joe didn’t appeal. If the idea of giving talent and qualifications over gender their due wasn’t important to her.

  “Let’s go, then. Get this over with.” Maybe Mia would react differently this time and decide things for them. Audrey had never hoped for an unreasonable toddler tantrum before but now was the time for Mia to go crazy.

  The three of them moved across the park. Mia on her scooter. Reece saw them coming. Hopefully he hadn’t seen them playing peekaboo. Hopefully he couldn’t see the ambivalence in her expression. He detached himself from his entourage at the same time as Mia dumped her scooter and made straight for the playground network of tunnels, ramps and bridges. Audrey scooped her up and copped an elbow in the ribs. There were a lot of other kids using the facility, most of them bigger than Mia. When she looked up, Reece was there with his youngest sister.

  He smiled. “Hi, Audrey.” He ducked so he was level with Mia. “Hello, Mia.” Mia slammed her face into Audrey’s neck. “This is my sister, Pippa.”

  Audrey eased Mia to her feet and she buried her face in Audrey’s hip. Pippa put her hand out to shake, she took it. “Everyone calls me Flip.”

  “Hello, Flip. This is Mia and my friend, Leslie.”

  Reece held his hand out to Les and she took it and murmured her hello, call me Les. She might as well have had her head in Audrey’s other hip. She might as well have said call me Less. She’d reverted to type. Reece pointed over his shoulder. “My sisters, Etta, Neeva and Ginnette. My girlfriend, Sky, and my best mate Marcus.”

  “Everyone calls him Polly,” said Flip.

  Reece went to his haunches. “Hello, Mia. Did you forget me?”

  Mia shook her head, but she wouldn’t look at Reece, except for sneaky little glances. Monkey wasn’t scared of him, she was making this a game. And he knew it.

  “Oh no, Mia doesn’t remember me. It’s young for treat ‘em mean keep ‘em keen, but I gotta respect that.” Mia giggled. “How will I make Mia smile?” Mia turned her face away from Reece, but it was all teeth and shiny eyes. Audrey could feel the tremble of Mia’s excitement against her leg. She didn’t react like this with any of the other applicants. At this rate there was a new dressing gown in Audrey’s future.

  Reece sighed, elaborate and theatrical, and that was all it took for Mia to launch herself at him. He laughed and let her push him over so he sat on his backside on the grass, his long, strong legs sprawled in front of him, and Mia giggled in a wet her pants way. Reece did have that effect on you. He looked up at Audrey, a whole lot of what else do I have to do to get this job in his green eyes. As a negotiation tactic, it was impressive.

  “I’ve spoken to Nina Flannery and Karla Ramsey. Both families gave you great references.”

  Reece rocked into his hand and flipped over to his feet, his broad back and taut butt to them momentarily. Les whimpered and covered with a fake sneeze. Mia clapped like he’d performed a circus trick. This was so unfair. Why couldn’t he be a studious clown type or a nerdy neat freak? He was this charismatic gentle giant and that was too bad.

  “I know you wanted to talk to Flip,” he said.

  Flip nodded. She glanced at Reece and took a deep breath. “Do you want me to tell you while he’s listening?”

  Audrey laughed. Mia reached for Reece’s hand and was content to simply watch the other kids on the play equipment.

  He groaned. “There’s no way this is not going to be embarrassing.”

  Flip scowled at Reece. “I’m not going to embarrass you. I won’t.” She faced Audrey. “We want Reece to get the job so that we can toss for his bedroom.”

  Reece closed his eyes and put a hand to his forehead. “Flip.”

  She rounded on him. “You told me to tell the truth.”

  He ducked his head and laughed. Audrey’s phone beeped. She pulled it out of the side pocket of her bag. “Excuse me, this might be work.” She checked the screen. Les. She opened the text message. He blushed. I die. She tucked the phone in her pocket and refocused on Flip and Reece. He had blushed. He’d also cringed, his big shoulders trying to muffle his ears momentarily.

  He pointed at the gym equipment. “Going to play.” Mia took the hint and dragged on his hand.

  Flip told her how Reece was strict but a good brother. How he was there when their mum had to work, and when she was studying. How he cooked and made them do their chores. Helped with homework and knew when Gin’s asthma was bad. He was expert at making sure Etta and Neeva didn’t kill each other. He’d promised to teach Etta how to drive and he fixed things around the house. Her love for him was so evident it made Les text again. Twice.

  The first read, If you don’t take him I will. The second came through before Audrey managed to re-pocket her phone. Is it poss to get preg from looking at a guy? Think I’m six months.

  She gave Les a cease and desist look and when she turned to Flip, Faux Mo was there.

  He stuck his hand out. “Hi, I’m Marcus, but call me Polly.”

  “Audrey.” She shook a hand attached to a sleeve of intricate tattoos. “That’s Mia with Reece, and this is my friend, Leslie.” She had to elbow Les, to get her to take Polly’s hand.”

  “Hi, Leslie, but call me Les.”

  Polly laughed. He held Les’s hand longer than a random handshake in the park warranted. “Polly and Les. Two identities in crisis.” When he released her hand, Les looked at it as if it might’ve developed magical properties. Audrey looked upwards to make the point. Seagulls on the wing.

  “I’ve known Reece since primary school. You can trust him with your kid,” said Polly.

  “I already said that,” said Flip.


  Polly pulled Flip’s ponytail. “I said it again just to be sure.”

  “So does Reece get the job?” Flip asked.

  Did he? They watched him guide Mia across a low bridge and down a short ladder. The kids too old to be using the gym kept away. No one was going to hassle Mia with Reece on hand. The issue of gender aside, was he the best candidate? Did his maleness matter where Mia’s care was concerned? His referees had raved about him, so she had no reason to doubt his capabilities. He said something and Mia laughed. She had no reason to doubt his intentions either. Who brings a whole posse to an interview? He’d said he wanted the job, he was going all out.

  “What do you think, Les?” said Polly. “Me, personally. I have no idea why a bloke wants to look after kids that aren’t his own. But it’s what Reece wants to do and you have to support a mate. What do you think is best?”

  “Me?”

  Polly laughed, because Les squeaked that. “Yeah, you and me are the sidekicks. It’s my role to tell you Reece is the man for the job. Assume it’s your role to tell Audrey what you think. Am I right?”

  “Sidekick.” Les coughed. “Yes. Um.”

  “Okay I get it. You don’t want to give anything away. Clever. Play your cards close.”

  Les coughed again. “No. I, um.”

  “Lots of seagulls,” Audrey said, addressing the comment to Flip who said, “They’re pests really.”

  “I’m a lawyer,” Les blurted.

  And the most socially awkward person Audrey had ever met. But there was nothing she could do to save her without it being too obvious.

  “Builder,” said Polly. “Reece better watch himself, eh.”

  “No, no I’m not a lawyer today. I am on other days, work days, you know in the office, that’s where I do my lawyering, it’s an office thing. I’m a Monday to Friday lawyer really. I don’t do lawyering in the park, and it’s the weekend and so I’m not a lawyer, I’m just a friend.”

  Audrey couldn’t look at Les in case her babbling was contagious.