Undertow

by Natusch, Amber Lynn

  I stared at him momentarily, unable to keep the astonishment out of my expression. How could someone be, for all intents and purposes, wrongly incarcerated and come out sounding so zen? It was nearly unfathomable to me. He had not only accepted his past, but he had bettered himself because of it. A tiny pang of guilt tugged at me when I thought of my father, who was at that moment making his way back to the docks after a near-death experience. A real life-changer. It made me wonder exactly what it would take for me to fully settle up with him and let the past be the past.

  “Say something, Aesa. Please, you're just staring at me.”

  “I'm sorry,” I replied, shaking my head slightly. “It's just . . . I don't know how you're so okay with it all.”

  He shrugged ambivalently before settling back in his chair.

  “I learned to forgive during those four years. It was surprisingly freeing.” His eyes narrowed in on me slightly, as if reading something in my expression that I wasn't aware was there. “You should keep that in mind.” His words trailed off, leaving me to dissect them without his aid while he got up to take our empty glasses back to Jimmy at the bar. Forgiveness was exactly what I wanted to give my father, but I could never quite get there. Maybe Decker, of all people, could show me how to accomplish what I never was able to on my own.

  Just after we finished eating, Jimmy brought over some keys and placed them on the table in front of us.

  “Here are my keys,” he said with a smile. “I'm parked behind the building.”

  “But how will you get home?”

  “One of the boys will take me; don't you worry about that,” he reassured me. “Go get some rest. You two have been through hell and back.”

  “Thanks, Jimmy,” I replied, picking the keys up and turning them over in my hand.

  Decker smiled and thanked Jimmy as well before turning his attention back to me.

  “You ready to head out?” he asked.

  “Yeah. Do you have a place around here? Where should I take you?”

  “I'm just going to get a room at the motel across the way,” he informed me, indicating the disheveled building not far down the street.

  “Are you sure?” I asked, knowing that it was a relatively sketchy place with a notorious reputation.

  “Positive. Now, you should get home before you're too tired to drive. I'm still not certain you've rebounded from all those hours on deck and your swim in the Bering Sea, let alone that concussion of yours.” His tone was playful, trying to make light of our harrowing event. I appreciated the effort, but my skin still crawled when I thought about it.

  “I'll drop you off just in case they don't have any rooms. I don't want to have you wandering around town all night.”

  “Fair enough.”

  With little else to discuss, we made our collective way outside and found Jimmy's truck. I drove the short distance to the motel and waited while he went in and procured a room for the night. He emerged from the office, waving a keychain in his hand as he walked up to the driver's side door of the truck.

  “Last room,” he said with a smile. “Guess that makes me lucky.”

  “You haven't seen it yet. I wouldn't count my blessings before you do,” I retorted. He laughed for a minute before his expression sobered slightly.

  “You're okay to get home?”

  “Yeah. I'm not that far away.”

  “And you're okay to stay there alone?” he pressed, concern growing on his face. I knew what he was asking me: if I would manage the fallout of our near tragedy gracefully on my own. I wasn't sure the answer was yes, but that wasn't his problem to solve. He had done more than he should have for me already.

  “Absolutely. I promise,” I said with a false confidence that he seemed to see right through, though he said nothing to contradict me. Instead, he gave me a half-smile and patted the truck's door before telling me goodnight and making his way to his motel room. I watched him walk away, his body disappearing into room fourteen without a backward glance. Taking that as my cue, I pulled out of the parking lot and headed home to an empty and still broken house.

  The longer I drove, the more uneasy I felt, the stark surroundings along the way giving me a sense of dread I'd never had before. Flashbacks of drifting at sea converged upon me, memories of my body succumbing to the black abyss below as I bobbed helplessly in the water before passing out. Before Decker rescued me. My heart raced erratically as I tried to talk myself down from my burgeoning panic attack. I was fine. I knew I was fine. But that hardly seemed to matter. I was drowning in something far more dangerous than the Bering Sea.

  Fear was overtaking me fast.

  16

  Minutes later, I found myself back in the motel parking lot outside the door to his room, uncertain of exactly how I’d gotten there. I had been on my way home, but, as my panic had risen, the thought of being alone weighed more heavily on me than I could have ever imagined. Over the years, I had grown to find comfort in solitude, but that night I wanted anything but.

  I had instinctively returned to Decker.

  Nervous, I looked around, hoping that no one would see me there. If they did, my father would eventually find out, and I didn't want that coming back on Decker. He idolized my dad and was an asset to the ship. I didn't want to endanger his career by getting him fired for something as selfish as just not wanting to spend the night by myself.

  With a deep breath, I raised my hand and knocked on the door quietly. I knew he was probably asleep already; a pang of guilt surged through me at the realization. I knew he hadn't gotten nearly as much sleep as I had before arriving in town. Just as my resolve started to fade and I turned to walk away, I heard the chain on the door drag across it from the inside and the knob turn.

  “Aesa,” he said curiously, looking like I'd woken him.

  “I'm sorry. I woke you up.”

  “It's fine. Is everything okay? Could you not get into the house?” he asked, his concern for my well-being seeming to pull him from his groggy state.

  “I never tried,” I admitted shamefully. “I got halfway there and turned around.” Embarrassed, I averted my gaze. “I don't want to be alone . . . ”

  “Come in,” he replied, ushering me in with an arm around my shoulders. I stepped into the seedy motel room to find two double beds, and my heart relaxed ever so slightly at the sight. I hadn't gone there to sleep with Decker or lead him on, but there was just something so soothing about his presence. I needed that comfort and could get it from a bed across from him with ease. “Do you need anything?”

  “No, I think I'm all set.”

  “There's an extra toothbrush in the bathroom if you need it. The guy at the desk gave me two,” he announced with a shrug. “Maybe when he saw you waiting in the car he thought you were staying with me.”

  “The only women that do that sort of thing around here aren't known for their dental hygiene, but I appreciate his gesture.”

  Catching the implication of my words, Decker laughed out loud, crashing down on the edge of the bed he'd already claimed.

  “You are a bit too classy to be a hooker, Aesa, but men are men. They don't always think as clearly as they should.”

  “I'm not offended,” I tossed over my shoulder as I entered the bathroom. “I'm not sure the boys around here could afford me anyway.”

  Another bout of laughter erupted as I closed and locked the door behind me. I stared at myself in the mirror, dragging a hand through my disheveled hair while inspecting my face. I had dark circles under my eyes with rather large bags to accompany them. It was far from my finest moment. Sighing, I opened the cheap travel toothbrush and slathered toothpaste onto it. It felt like forever since I'd had the chance to brush my teeth.

  I saw the shower behind me in the mirror and couldn't ignore its call. While brushing feverishly, I reached over and turned it on, wanting to wash the remnants of the sea off of me. As the room steamed up, I undressed, making sure the door was locked behind me, even though I knew it was. Stepping int
o the hot stream of water felt amazing, and I luxuriated in the sensation, despite the state of disrepair the surroundings were in. I closed my eyes to ignore the mold and mildew, focusing on the warmth that beat against my skin. I wanted to stay in there for hours.

  Unfortunately for me, minutes later, before I could wash my hair, the hot water ran out and I was splashed by freezing water. It felt like the chill of the sea. I squealed and jumped out, inelegantly crashing into the decrepit vanity. Shaking wildly, I reached for a towel, needing to dry off as quickly as possible. While I fumbled to get it around me, a thumping on the bathroom door startled me even further.

  “Are you okay in there?” Decker asked, trying the knob.

  “Yep, I'm fine. Sorry about the scream. The hot water ran out and the blast of cold shocked me. Just gimme a sec.”

  The towel was small and barely covered me from breast to buttocks. I ignored the discolorations on the white terry cloth while I attempted to tuck it in under my arms so I could open the door. When I finally did, Decker's eyes widened momentarily, unable to stay on mine. Instead, they involuntarily scanned my body, lingering on the scandalous hemline that barely covered my virtue.

  He said nothing, only stared, his eyes eventually returning to mine. I returned his look, meeting the intensity of his gaze as best I could. He and I had shared many silent moments in our short time together. I wondered how many more we would have.

  “Soooo, I'm just going to get dressed and then go to bed. Sorry about the girly breakdown. It just surprised me.”

  “No problem,” he mumbled, forcing himself to turn and walk away. He glanced back at me this time as I closed the door behind me, not locking it. I never did understand why I chose not to. Something about it seemed offensive, like I was scared of him or what he might do. Nothing could have been further from the truth.

  I dropped the towel, thinking of how he'd looked at me when I opened the bathroom door. My body warmed at the memory. He had wanted me; there was no doubt about that. Men often did. But there was something deeper in his gaze than the sheer lust I had borne witness to many times. There was a sense of longing.

  Maybe I remind him of someone . . .

  I shook my head to clear it while I pulled on my long underwear, which was doubling as outerwear, and my tight-fitting thermal shirt. I left everything else off, finding a plastic bag to place the undergarments in. I didn't want to wear them all night. They'd been worn long enough.

  I did my best to sneak out of the bathroom, afraid to wake him up for a third time since I'd arrived. The room was dark and quiet except for the wind that had picked up outside, the howling noise whipping against the cheap windows. The threadbare curtains danced with the slight breeze that infiltrated the casing, moving them gently. The light they allowed to penetrate the room fell on Decker's body, highlighting him in a glorious way. His back was naked and the shadows that were cast by his musculature begged to be touched and traced. My breath caught in my throat as I stared at his sleeping form. His rugged beauty was impossible to deny, but with it came a sensitive side that balanced it beautifully. He was all a woman could have wanted—a woman that was ready to give herself to someone fully.

  I was not that female.

  With that realization, I turned away from him and pulled back the undoubtedly fluid-encrusted comforter. With only a sheet to keep me warm, I balled myself into the fetal position and tucked the thin piece of cotton in around me. In minutes, I was asleep.

  * * *

  Falling . . .

  I dreamt of falling that night, never landing anywhere, just perpetually plummeting into a darkness that never ceased. When my mind could take it no longer, I shot out of bed with a start, panting heavily and sweating, though I was frozen to the bone. As I tried to pull myself together, I heard movement from the bed beside me.

  “Aesa?” Decker mumbled, his voice heavy with sleep and confusion.

  “I'm sorry,” I whispered. “Bad dream. Go back to sleep.”

  I lay back down, trying to warm myself in the thin cotton sheet, but to no avail. With my mind racing and my body shivering, I knew sleep wouldn't find me.

  “You're freezing,” he observed from the bed across the narrow aisle.

  “Yeah, well, I'm not using that blanket. God only knows what diseases I could catch from it,” I replied, turning to face him.

  “I think your cold runs deeper than that, Aesa.” His words were heavy with subtext that I chose to ignore. It was as if he'd known what my nightmare was about.

  “I'll sort it out. No worries. Goodnight.”

  “It's warm over here,” he replied, with no hint of his earlier implications.

  I propped myself up on my elbow to get a better look at his expression in the darkness. It gave nothing away. He might as well have been making a statement of observation about any random fact. However, I wasn't so sure the fact he chose to voice was all that random.

  “I've disrupted you enough tonight, Decker. I don't want to bother you any more than I already have. Besides, if I have another bad dream, you'll get caught in the flailing crossfire.”

  “I'll take my chances, Aesa.”

  He was unbending on the issue, and, given that I was still shivering uncontrollably, his offer was highly appealing. It was appealing for other reasons that I tried to deny as well.

  Tentatively, I brought my legs out from under the sheet and placed my feet on the floor, all the while watching to see if anything in his guarded expression changed. If he had ulterior motives, he was giving nothing away. I pushed off of the bed and took the two steps necessary to reach the edge of his, placing myself down on it slowly and in a way that let me keep eye contact with him the entire time. He never even moved. Pulling the blanket back, I pressed my body underneath it, unwilling to move too close to him right away. I was waiting for something in him to change, but it never did. He helped me by arranging the sheet around me, but that was all. When he rested himself against the pillow, he rolled onto his back, giving me the space he thought I needed.

  For whatever reason, his leaving that empty space between us only pulled me toward him. Before I could account for my actions, I slid in close to his body, rewarded instantly by the heat radiating off of it. He lifted his arm to allow me closer and my head found the space between his shoulder and cheek instinctively, resting comfortably there as if it had been carved out perfectly for only me. To complete the encroachment on his space, I wound my arm across his impossibly hard stomach, snuggling into him even tighter. My fingers involuntarily traced a delicate path back and forth along the chiseled lines I found there.

  “Aesa—” he whispered, his tone almost cautionary.

  “Shhhh,” I whispered back, enjoying the sensation that overwhelmed my body. Being near him was a completion I'd never known possible. “Don't ruin this.”

  Ignoring what I assumed was a warning, I buried my face into his neck deeper still, breathing him in. He smelled how men should smell, making me sigh involuntarily. It brought a faint groan from deep within his chest.

  I lifted my chin, trying to see the expression he wore. I was met with smoldering brown eyes staring back at me. His body was tense, like he was holding back with everything he could. I pressed mine tighter against him in response.

  Dropping my head back down to his neck, I brushed my lips along the length of it, before nestling into it again. I rubbed my face into his chest, nuzzling it gently as my leg snaked around his, pulling him to me. His body was still rigid when he wrapped his free arm around my waist, sliding it up my back to displace my shirt ever so slightly. His fingertips trailing against my skin nearly undid me.

  I tried to think of all the reasons why I shouldn't do what I was considering doing, but none came to mind in the heat of the moment. I'd nearly died hours earlier; he'd been the one to save me. Everything about being close to him felt right in a way that nothing ever had before. I'd been with men, several in fact, but none had a hold on me the way he did. Maybe it was PTSD, or just an epic
lack of judgment, but all I could think about was his body naked and ground tightly against mine. The image was nearly tattooed on my brain.

  “Aesa,” he repeated, his voice wavering slightly that time, as if his resolve was failing him too.

  “I know what I'm doing,” I whispered against his body as I slid mine along it. The arm that had captured my body flew off of me, crashing to the bed beside him. I glanced up to see him fisting the sheets violently in his hand. He was clearly torn, and seeing his obvious hesitation gave me a moment of pause. I pulled away from him, lifting myself up just enough to look down on the pained expression he wore. “Maybe I don't—” I muttered to myself, wondering if my lapse in judgment had been of a completely different variety. With that sobering possibility came a chill that shot through my body. Embarrassment settled in only seconds later.

  “I . . . I should go,” I mumbled, trying desperately to escape the debacle I'd created.

  “Aesa, please don't,” he argued, leaping out of the bed while I slithered out of the opposite side. He rounded the foot of it to stand before me in a successful attempt to block my escape. “It's not like that—”

  “I need to go,” I rephrased, emphasizing my desire to flee the situation that had so rapidly gone downhill.

  “You don't. Just stop for a second. Let me explain.”

  “There's no need to explain anything, Decker. That'll only make this more awkward than it already is. It’s my fault, not yours. Let me retain some shred of dignity. Please?”

  “Aesa!” he yelled. “Stop. Please. You've got this all wrong. You seem to be working under the impression that I wasn't down for what you were just about to do. Let me be the first to tell you that that couldn't be further from the truth, but not like this. Not here. Way too much has gone on in the last twenty-four hours, and I don't want you doing something you'll regret later. I wouldn't regret it, but I'm not so sure that'd be the case for you.”