Undertow

by Natusch, Amber Lynn

  “And my guess is that it's caught up with you now, hasn't it?”

  “Yes. Decker came to the hospital tonight. I don't know how he found me—”

  “He found you because he loves you, Aesa. Only a man possessed by love would do that. Anyone else would have just shrugged it off and walked away.”

  “Like I did.”

  “That's not what I'm saying, girl,” he said softly, giving my hand a light squeeze. “You've lost so much already. Everyone in here understands that feeling. You'll find no judgment about your actions here, but you have to learn to cope at some point, Aesa, or it will eat you alive. This Decker kid flew across the country to try and find you. Don't you think you should have given him a chance?”

  I shrugged.

  “It's a little late for that now, isn't it? He's gone, I'm sure.”

  As if on cue, a cold breeze fell on my neck as the door to the bar opened. Viggy's eyes drifted from mine to welcome the incoming patron. When he didn't, my body tensed.

  “I wouldn't be so sure about that,” he replied, still looking off toward the entrance.

  “Aesa,” Decker's voice called, irritation lacing his tone heavily. “We need to talk.”

  Viggy looked back down at me, giving one final squeeze of my hand before he released it. “Give him a chance, girl. You can't blame someone for wanting to be who they are or doing what they're called to do. You love him. Hear him out.”

  I turned to find Decker hovering just inside the entrance, his heavy hooded sweatshirt covered by an equally heavy wool coat. He looked every bit the fisherman he was. The very reason why I left.

  “I'm not sure we need to do this here,” I started, coming to stand from my barstool slowly.

  “I don't care where we do this, but it's going to be done. You're going to tell me what in the hell is going on,” he informed me, his voice still angry. “You can start by explaining why I had to chase you down at the hospital only to find you here.” I'd never seen him mad before, and it was intimidating, to say the least. It was worse knowing that I was the cause. “Tell me why you ran.”

  When I didn't answer immediately, he stalked toward me, the hurt and anger still plain on his face. The sound of chairs grating across the old hardwood floor echoed behind me. The boys thought I was in danger. I turned to see five of them hovering by their tables, their eyes planted firmly on Decker.

  “It's all right,” I told them, hoping to ease the tension. None of them returned to their seats.

  “You told me you would be waiting for me when I came back. Funny how you never mentioned anything about waiting for me on the East Coast.”

  “I had to go,” I replied softly. He was right to be angry with me. I had done a cowardly thing, taking the easiest way out. I had hoped to avoid the very thing I was now embroiled in. A love battle royale.

  “Why?” he asked, his tone softening ever so slightly.

  “Because I can't do this,” I told him, waving my hand between him and me. “I can't do this anymore.”

  “Yeah, I got that. What I want to know is why.”

  “That's not my life. Not anymore. Too much has changed. I need to start over.”

  “You mean you need to run.”

  “If that's what you want to call it,” I said, throwing my hands up, my own frustration starting to set in. All I wanted was for him to go away so I could go back to being alone—the only thing that never hurt me.

  “What would you call it, Aesa? You packed up and fled to another part of the country without telling anyone where you were going. You shut your phone down, lost all contact with anyone who cares about you. What should I call that instead?”

  “Starting over.”

  “Don't do this, Aesa,” he said, reaching for my arm. “Don't do this to yourself again.”

  “Don't do what makes me happy? Is that what you're saying? Isn't that what you chose to do? What made you happy?” I countered, my own anger showing through. “You'd rather I be miserable, waiting for a call one night that tells me that the unthinkable has happened, that you're dead, wouldn't you? You'd rather I do that than have a sliver of a chance at a life without pain? No thanks. I'll pass.”

  “But that's not going to happen—”

  “You can't promise that!” I shouted, leaning into his face. “And you certainly can't promise that to me of all people.”

  I snatched my arm away from his grasp, storming toward the door.

  “Nobody can promise you that they'll be around tomorrow. You'll never find that, no matter where or how hard you look.”

  “That's why I'm not looking,” I retorted, turning to see him coming after me.

  “I told you once that I would never let you fall, Aesa,” he said calmly, looking far more like the man I'd grown to love. “And you're falling. You just don't see it.”

  “No. You're wrong,” I snapped, shaking my head as I stepped back toward the exit. “I've already fallen. You just don't want to see it.”

  With that, I grabbed the handle behind me and wrenched the door open, spilling out into the narrow street. Anxiety built as I ran to my car. I needed room. I needed to be alone, but Decker wasn't allowing that. He'd come to make a stand, and he was determined to make it.

  “Aesa!” he yelled after me, chasing me down in the street. He caught my arm before I could enter my car and escape. “I have been flying for the past twelve hours and driving all around this God-forsaken city, trying to find you. And do you know why? Because I love you, and I know you love me. You'll never convince me otherwise. I know you, I know why you're doing this, but you can't run forever, Aesa. Love is not the enemy, unless you let it continue to be.”

  “Decker,” I said in protest, my feelings welling up at an alarming pace.

  “Say it, Aesa. I want you to say you don't love me. Make me believe you and I'll go, but I promise you, you can't.”

  My eyes met his while they filled with tears, threatening to expose me for the insecure little girl I still was.

  “I can't stand by and wait for you to die,” I yelled, choking on a sob. “I can't. Please don't ask me to.”

  “Then don't ask me to walk away like that's even a remote possibility.”

  “But you did! You did walk away! You walked back onto that boat like nothing had ever happened, and you left.”

  “What would you have me do, Aesa?”

  “Nothing,” I said calmly. “There's nothing you can do, and I can't do this.” I gave a solemn shrug while the tears fell from my face. “I was wrong to leave without telling you. I know that, but the outcome is the same after telling you in person. You don't want to give up the Bering Sea, and I can't ask you to, but I can't have anything to do with it. Not anymore. We are at the very definition of an impasse, Decker. You can't have it both ways, and neither can I.”

  “No,” he agreed, surprising me. His brow furrowed as he further contemplated my words. “You're right. I can't. I see that now.”

  The pit I felt in my stomach illustrated the hollowness I felt at his response. I'd told myself for weeks that I had left without confronting him because I knew he wouldn't let me leave, that it would be easier for him that way. What I'd been denying that entire time was that, if I'd had to stand before him and share my plans, I never would have left. Walking away from him was more than I could do.

  Standing there, watching him prepare to do what I realized I couldn't, I felt like I was drowning. The irony was that I didn't deserve to be saved, nor would he be around to do it.

  He would let me fall.

  Without another word, he walked away from me back toward the bar. He didn't speak. He didn't look back. He just stormed back into the building in the same manner he had before, only that time, he was possessed by different motives.

  “Decker!” I called after him, but he didn't flinch. The door closed slowly behind him, shutting me out. I wanted to run after him, but I couldn't make my feet move. He'd made his choice, and it wasn't me. I'd gotten exactly what I thought I'd wanted
, and it made me nauseous. I slid down the side of my car to sit on the sidewalk, burying my head in my lap while I cried. When I left him, it didn't feel like a loss—it was a choice. Watching him walk away from me created a sense of emptiness and rejection that rivaled any I'd experienced before.

  The cold eventually forced me to stand, shaky though I was, and make my way around my car to the driver's side. I couldn't stomach the idea of sitting around and waiting for his cab to come and pick him up, only to watch him disappear again, so I decided to leave. It was something I was apparently good at.

  Just as I reached for the door handle, a voice called out to me from down the sidewalk.

  “Not again,” Decker shouted against the assaulting wind coming off the harbor. “Never again.” He stalked toward me and I froze, uncertain of what was going on. Was he cruel enough or angry enough to toy with me before he inevitably left? “If you're going somewhere, then I'm going with you.”

  “I don't—” I started, choking on a sob. “I don't understand. You just said you couldn't have it both ways and then you left. You made your choice. Why are you still here?”

  I couldn't hold back another flood of tears from escaping.

  “I can't have it both ways, Aesa, so I'm not going to try to anymore.”

  Again, my heart sank.

  “Are you just trying to get back at me? I don't understand what you're doing . . . ”

  “Why do you think I just went back into the bar?” he asked, his tone controlled but still heated.

  “To call a cab.”

  He scoffed.

  “I went back in there to see which of those guys knew of anyone willing to hire an ex-crab fisherman.” His words nearly floored me. “You're right. We can't have it both ways, but we can meet somewhere in the middle. It's clear that you can't bear to live the life you've always known. The life that haunts you. But it's also painfully clear that you can't fully walk away from it either.” My pained and confused expression begged for him to clarify his point, my nerves too shot to actually form a sentence. As always, he saw exactly what was wrong and took immediate measures to remedy it. “Aesa—you took a job on the seacoast. You hang out with a bunch of dirty, old lobster fishermen. You found the one place around this enormous city that could remind you of home, and somehow it manages to make you happy, whether you realize it or not. So I decided to split the difference between us, because being without you is not an option for me. I'm going to work here, on a lobster boat. I'm going to leave in the morning and come home at night. I'm not going to die in or on the Bering Sea. And I am not going to leave you any more than I'm going to let you leave me.”

  “But you love your job. You'll hate me for making you give it up.”

  “You haven't made me do anything. I love the water. I love fishing. The Bering Sea isn't the only place in the world where I can have both. And I certainly don't want to be there if you're never going to be there with me.”

  “You mean that, don't you?” I said, my tears slowing once I realized that he was dead serious. “You're not messing with me . . . ”

  “I never have and I never will, Aesa. I'm not an asshole. We established that a long time ago. I'm a man . . . a man who wants you.”

  “Even after everything I did,” I asked softly, “you would still want me? Trust me?”

  Through all his intensity, I could see my words bring a slight twinkle to his eyes.

  “Well, I might put you on a short leash for a while, or maybe get you one of those ankle monitors that the prison system is so deeply fond of, but—”

  I cut off his words with crushing embrace, my arms wound so tightly around his neck that he wouldn't have been able to pry me off if he'd tried. Thankfully he didn't want to.

  “I love you,” I cried, burying my face in his neck. “And I'm so sorry. I thought . . . I thought I was doing the right thing.”

  “I know that, Aesa. It's the only reason I'm here,” he whispered, kissing the side of my head lightly while he cupped it in his hand. “I know how this brain of yours works, remember? I knew why you did what you did, I just couldn't believe that you'd actually done it in the first place. We're going to have to work on those default responses of yours.”

  “Agreed,” I chimed in, all too willing to concede to whatever terms he wanted to set. “But you're still going to stay?”

  “Well, I'd better since I start work tomorrow morning,” he teased, allowing me to continue to cling to his body. It felt so strong and certain under my grip that it inspired a certainty of my own. He wasn't going to leave me. Not then, not ever. He truly was a man.

  “I guess you should go home and get some sleep then,” I suggested, pulling away from him just enough to see his eyes that I loved so much.

  “Well, lucky for me my things are already packed up and ready to find a new home,” he said, pulling me closer again. “Are you making me an offer I can't refuse?”

  “It sure seems like it,” I replied playfully.

  Before we could iron out the details, we were rudely interrupted.

  “So,” Viggy barked from far behind us, startling us both. We simultaneously looked over to find half the bar in the street watching us make up. “Looks like you two are going to be shackin' up.” They all roared at his mocking observation. It brought wide smiles to both of our faces.

  “I guess sailors are gossipy old women no matter where you live,” I said to Decker, leaning my forehead against his. “Let's really give them something to gawk at, shall we?”

  “As long as you aren't too embarrassed,” he joked, pulling my lips to his gently. He kissed me like he had the first time, when we stood out on the docks of Dutch Harbor as my father and the others looked on. Just like that night, I knew in my heart that my father was still looking on and smiling.

  And I couldn't help but smile too.

  When the cheering behind us died down, I climbed off of Decker and gave them a curtsy, playing into their childish behavior as I would have my uncles' back at Jimmy's.

  “Let's go,” Decker whispered in my ear. “I think we have a little lost time to make up for, don't you?” I looked up to see him smiling at me mischievously. He shrugged when I gave him a questioning look. “What can I say, Aesa? I told you I'm a man, and this man has been at sea for weeks worrying about the woman he loves. I need an outlet for all of those feelings.”

  Giving him a wink, I pushed past him quickly, fumbling to get the car door open. When he realized why I was so enthusiastic, he was in the passenger side at the drop of a dime, smiling at me with wild eyes.

  “You're not the only one with a few things to get out,” I told him as I peeled out of my parking spot, thinking of all the ways we were going to avoid sleeping that night.

  I welcomed every one of them.

  35

  “I think this is the last one,” Decker called to me, carrying a box through the front door of my father's house.

  “Great,” I replied with a smile, watching him walk past me to the moving truck.

  We had started the task of packing it up two days earlier, right after the official burial ceremony for my father. We waited until the end of Opilio season so that all his friends could attend. It was cold and windy, but the sun managed to find a break in the clouds long enough for his brief service to be given. It was exactly what he would have wanted.

  While the others had gone back to The Albatross to celebrate my father's life, Decker and I went to my childhood home to sort through everything that had been amassed over his lifetime and mine. We laughed at old photos and watched ancient VHS videos that forced me to remember that not all had been bad for me as a kid; I had just chosen to see it that way at some point. I packed up those happy memories carefully so I could relive them time and time again. That was the childhood I wanted to reacquaint myself with.

  That was the childhood I wanted to remember.

  With my past neatly packed away, I looked over at my future—Decker. He smiled at me, catching me as I watched him simp
ly move. There was something so elegant about him. We were getting used to our new lives on the East Coast: he quickly catching on to life on the Atlantic and I slowly assimilating to a life revolving around trust and love. It was still very unfamiliar, but I adored it all the same. If I couldn't trust Decker, then I would never trust anyone. It was make or break for me, and I was making it. We both were.

  “Should I lock it up?” he asked, looking down at me from the front steps.

  I nodded my head.

  With the house being passed down to me upon my father's death, I hadn't known what to do with it. The thought of just selling it didn't appeal to me, but I couldn't keep it. That chapter of my life was over. There was nothing for me in that sleepy little crabbing town any longer. When Robbie had expressed interest in buying it to rent out to sailors, I was happy to let him have it. Dad would have approved.

  “I think that's everything,” he said softly, coming to wrap his arms around my waist. “Is there anything else we need to do before we head out?”

  I leaned against him, absorbing the strength he so naturally exuded.

  “Yes,” I whispered. “I need to go say goodbye.”

  “To who?” he asked curiously, knowing that we had seen everyone at my father's service and said goodbye to them then.

  I sighed heavily, leaning more of my weight against him.

  “To what haunts me,” I explained. “I need to see it one more time.”

  Without a word, he ushered me to the car, leaving the moving van there for Robbie to pick up later and take down to the ferry for loading. He drove through town, leaving me alone with my thoughts as they ran rampant through my mind. Somehow, he always knew what I needed. When we arrived along the cliffs high above the sea, he parked the car, letting me get out on my own to walk the short distance to the edge. His absence was notable, but I needed to face my fears on my own. He seemed to know that too.

  I watched the water lap at the rocks far below me. The sound was lulling and peaceful, and, for once, I felt that peace go through me. I was letting go of my past, my fears, and my blame. Decker was right; I could never move forward until I stopped looking back.