MANTRUM

by Jacob Chance

  He gasps, opening his eyes as wide as he can. “Really?”

  I jab him with my elbow. “Shut up. I know you’re teasing me. Anyway, as I was saying,” I skip my eyes to him, “I can somewhat understand that feeling of people remembering your mistakes. It’s been three years since my divorce and every time I speak with my mom, she still asks about Pete, like it was last week.”

  “Did you and Pete remain friends?”

  “I wouldn’t say friends, but we didn’t end on bad terms. He didn’t cheat or anything.”

  “Did you?”

  “Cheat?” He nods. “No. I’m not like that. We just didn’t love each other more than our jobs. I actually bumped into him a few weeks ago and we were perfectly civilized to one another.”

  “My oldest brother is divorced and my parents took it really hard when he and his wife split. They had been married for seventeen years and my mom thought of his ex as the daughter she never had. They still talk all the time.”

  “Does your brother care?”

  “He did at first because they ended on horrible terms, but things are a little better now.”

  “Divorce sucks for everyone. It’s not just the two people splitting up that are affected.”

  “Right. It’s a divorce from that person’s family too. Even if they stay in touch, it’s never the same as it was.”

  “Do you keep in touch with your ex-sister-in-law?”

  “No.” He smiles. “I’m fine with seeing her at family functions, but we were never friends.”

  “How come you and your daughter’s mother never married?”

  “We didn’t see a need for the label. We’re raising her together, despite not living under the same roof. I don’t believe in marrying someone for the sake of your child. And fortunately, she doesn’t either. That hardly ever works out. And how healthy is it for a kid to be surrounded by tension all the time? They can sense that stuff. I’m thankful Catherine and I have managed to remain great friends and we make all the decisions about Ruby together.”

  “That’s something to be proud of. It’s not often two parents who aren’t together can put aside their differences without trying to steer the kids over to their side.”

  “Okay, boys and girls,” Teri jokes, clapping her hands together. “Welcome to week three of class. Tonight we’re going to practice some exercises you can use when you feel your anger starting to flare. I’m going to have you close your eyes and draw a deep breath in through your nose for a four count. Then you’re going to exhale through your mouth for another four count. Let’s give it a try. Deep inhale for one, two, three, four. And exhale for one, two, three, four. Keep going.” She coaches us the entire time we do the exercise. The deep breaths expanding my lungs do feel relaxing. Breathing is one of those things we all take for granted.

  “Open your eyes,” Teri orders. “I want you and your partner to come up with a single word or short phrase you can repeat to yourself when you think you’re losing control in any situation.” She presses her palms together. “For example, it could be something as simple as ‘calm down’. Whatever you choose, keep it positive.”

  “I’m guessing ‘calm down, motherfucker’ wouldn’t qualify as a positive statement,” Rex interjects, and everyone laughs.

  “No.” Teri smiles and shakes her head. “I think you can do better than that, Rex.”

  “That’s been my go-to mantra every time I’ve taken this class.”

  “Maybe it’s time you tried something new.” Teri winks.

  “I think you’re right,” he readily agrees, shifting the metal chair toward me. “Okay, Danika. What should my phrase be?” I still love the way he says my name. I don’t know if that will be the case for the next three weeks, but as of tonight, I’m still getting chills from the deep timbre.

  “You should choose words that mean something to you. A phrase you can connect with. I can’t choose for you.”

  “I did choose, and I think we both know it hasn’t exactly panned out for me.”

  “Try to think of a word like calm, peaceful, tranquil. Something that evokes a soothing feeling for you, and then you can turn it into a phrase.”

  “I like that idea. Let me think about this while you tell me what yours is.”

  “I was going to say ‘relax’, but all I hear in my head is that Frankie Goes to Hollywood song and that’s not relaxing.” I giggle.

  He chuckles. “It might make you start dancing instead, though. Either way, it would work.”

  “True, but dancing while I’m at work would be weird.”

  “You could be the first dancing Parking Enforcement Officer. It might be the first time someone getting a parking ticket wouldn’t mind.”

  “Sure.” I roll my eyes. “I think I’m going to go with ‘placid’. When I think of that word, I picture still water in a pond and it’s calming for me.”

  “Good choice.” He scratches the thick beard covering his jawline and narrows his deep-set eyes as he thinks. I take the opportunity to study his sharp features. His nose is surprisingly straight for someone I assume has had their fair share of scraps. His lips are masculine in shape and full enough to be tempting. I’ve seen them stretched tight in anger and alluringly curved into a smile. Though opposite, the two expressions are equally attractive on him. And I can’t help but wonder what those lips would feel like pressed to mine. I’ve never kissed anyone with a moustache or beard before. I’m more than mildly curious about whether his facial hair would tickle or scrape my skin.

  Rex’s gaze locks on mine. Can he tell what I was thinking about? I hope not. I’m barely ready to admit to myself that I’m attracted to him. I don’t need him to know.

  “I think I have my phrase.”

  “Let’s hear it,” I encourage.

  “It’s not worth it.”

  “Of course it is.”

  He laughs. “No, you’re misunderstanding. My phrase is ‘it’s not worth it’. As you pointed out to me when I called you about the electrician, if I punch a hole in the wall or damage something, I’m creating more work for myself. I need to train myself to think things through and not be blinded by rage. It’s not worth the extra effort it would cost me.”

  “I’m really impressed you gave it that much thought.”

  “I told you I’m taking this course seriously. I have a daughter to think about, and frankly, if she found out I slapped someone and got arrested, she’d be so disappointed in me. I don’t ever want that to happen.” His eyebrows press together as he frowns. “It would kill me.”

  I place my hand on his knee, giving a reassuring squeeze. “You’re doing the right thing by being here and applying the techniques Teri is sharing with us, so you won’t ever be in that position with Ruby.”

  “Okay, does everyone have their word or phrase?” Teri raises her voice over the chatter and most of the students nod, immediately quieting down. I realize I’m still touching Rex and jerk my hand away. “Another technique you might want to try is journal writing. You can keep track of what set you off. You can write down what you did to calm yourself. Or maybe you just want to write something completely unrelated to take your mind from the situation. There’s no right or wrong way to do this. It’s about whatever works for you. I’m going to give you a few more minutes to finish up.”

  “Have you ever kept a journal?” Rex asks me.

  “No. I’m a reader, not a writer. When I get down, I usually try to find a book to pull me out of my doldrums.”

  “Does it work?”

  “Yeah, for the most part.”

  “I might have to try that.”

  “It keeps my mind occupied and that’s most of the battle, right? Sometimes you just need a distraction from everyday life. Books are a healthy, positive way to deal with stress.”

  “So is sex.”

  “What?” I gulp. I think I must’ve heard him wrong.

  “I said, so is sex. You know, s-e-x.” Suddenly, it’s unbearably stuffy in this room. I tug the neckline
of my sweatshirt away from my heated skin.

  “I know what sex is.” I just haven’t had it in three years.

  10

  Rex

  Watching Danika get all flustered is entertaining. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her blush before. It’s adorable how much a three letter word can affect a thirty-five-year-old woman.

  “Do you agree with me?” I ask.

  “Can you repeat the question?”

  “I said that sex is a great distraction. Yes or no?”

  She hesitates, eyes darting away from me. Her pink tongue slips between her lips, dragging over the seam of her mouth before she reluctantly looks my way once more. “Yes.”

  I grin like a cartoon shark about to eat its favorite meal. “I’m glad we can agree on this.”

  We spend the remainder of class listening to Teri explain more of the benefits to be found by journaling. And before she dismisses us, she gives us a homework assignment.

  “This week, I want you to write down every time you lose your temper and what the trigger is. Also, what you did to stop it from escalating. Did your calming phrase work for you? It’s important that you document these things. We’re halfway through this class, and by the end of week six, I want you to have better coping skills. Enjoy the rest of your night.”

  Danika and I rise, both of us twisting from side to side, stretching out the stiffness from the unforgiving metal chairs. Leaving the classroom, we slowly trickle out into the cooler night air. I walk her to her vehicle. “I need a favor from you.”

  She looks alarmed for a second before composing her expression. “Okay.”

  “Ruby’s birthday party is this weekend and I’m having it at my house. My entire family will be there. Will you come?”

  Her eyebrows go high on her forehead. “I think it would be weird for me to be there when I don’t know anyone.”

  I touch her arm. “Look, I realize this is unorthodox and puts you in an awkward position, but I really need your help. My family will drive me fucking insane. And I don’t want to lose it at my daughter’s fifteenth birthday celebration.”

  “Rex,” she whispers, shaking her head, and I know she’s going to refuse.

  “Danika,” I cut her off before she can, and edge closer. “Please. I’m not the type of guy who’s comfortable asking anyone for anything, so the fact that I’m pretty much begging you should clue you in to how desperate I am. For whatever reason, you seem to calm me down, and that’s something I need for the party.”

  She studies my expression, her green eyes staring up into mine, making sure I’m sincere. “Okay. I’ll help you out.”

  “But?”

  She shakes her head. “No buts. I’ll help you.”

  Relieved, I tug her to my chest. Both arms close around her slim form, squeezing her tightly. I rest my cheek on her soft hair. “Thank you.” I press a kiss to the crown of her head and her arms settle around my waist.

  Seconds pass before Danika’s hands slip between our bodies to gently press on my chest. I step back and give her the space she needs.

  “Thank you, again. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate what you’re doing.”

  “Don’t thank me yet. I haven’t done anything.”

  “The party starts at three. I’ll text you my address. Would you like me to come pick you up?”

  “No, I’ll drive myself. I might not be able to stay for the entire party, but I’ll do my best.”

  “That’s more than I can ask for. And I’ll owe you one, for sure.”

  “No, you won’t. If I were in your position, I’d want you to help me too. How can I refuse when you’re trying to do the right thing for your daughter?”

  My throat tightens with emotion when she mentions Ruby. She’s the most important person to me. I reach forward, opening Danika’s driver side door. She slips inside with a murmured thank you.

  “Drive safe. I’ll see you Saturday.”

  “See you then.”

  I close her door and move away as she pulls out of the space. Shoving my hands in my pockets, I exhale a relieved sigh. I didn’t realize how worried I was about this party until I mentioned it to Danika. But knowing she’ll be there to lean on is a massive relief.

  When we first met, she was just a beautiful woman I wanted to spend time with. And now, she’s become important to me. I care about her opinion and want her to see the best in me. But I’m also comfortable with her knowing my shortcomings. The fact that Danika already knows about the worst part of me and accepts me despite it, is a heady feeling I could get used to. There’s never been anyone I’ve shared this side of myself with before. Sure, I had girlfriends who saw me get into fights and overreact, but Danika is the only one who knows it’s a daily struggle for me to maintain my cool. I’m like the Incredible Hulk, anything could set me off. Only without the green part or the successful movie career.

  “Ruby, can you answer the door, please?” I call out. Glancing at the clock, I see it’s only two and the party isn’t scheduled to start for another hour. Who the fuck is here so early? I hear the sound of Ruby’s laughter and a moment later she leads Danika into the kitchen.

  “Hey.” I grin. “What are you doing here so early?”

  “I know how much work goes into setting up for a party and I thought you might need some help.” She shrugs, downplaying her kindness. My gaze traces her from head to toe and my heart rate kicks up a notch. She looks amazing in fitted black pants and a gray loose fitting shirt.

  “You’re awesome. I’ll take whatever help you want to give. I’ve got so much to do still.”

  She places her purse over the back of a barstool. “Tell me where to start.”

  “There’s cheese and pepperoni in the fridge and crackers in the pantry next to it.” Danika immediately finds each item. “Ruby, will you grab the trays out of the cabinet and set them on the island, please?”

  “Sure thing.” She places a stack of white serving trays down on the granite. “I’m going to get ready. Danika, it was nice meeting you. I’ll be back down in a bit.”

  “You too.” Danika’s smile is so genuine, I feel a little tug in my chest. If someone wants to impress me, the quickest way to do it is to be nice to my daughter. But I know that’s not what motivated Danika’s friendliness. She’s compassionate and kind hearted all around. She’s not doing it to impress me. That’s not how she operates.

  “Ruby is adorable. She looks a lot like you.”

  “Is that your way of telling me you think I’m adorable?” I tease.

  “I think you know how attractive you are and don’t need me inflating your ego.”

  She’s right. I have a healthy ego, mostly because I don’t worry about what other people think of my looks—women included. I can get a date when I need one, and that’s enough for me. Not like I’ve had much time to invest in dating with having a daughter, though. And now that she’s a teenager, it’s worse because she’ll wonder why I’m not spending time at home.

  “Thanks for coming early. As you can see, I’m behind schedule getting all this stuff out. My family has a bad habit of being chronically on time too.”

  She dismisses my praise with a small wave. “I’m glad to give you a hand. You know how some people are really great at entertaining and always put out a giant spread?”

  “Yeah. Is that you?”

  “No.” She snorts. “I avoid holding family functions as much as possible.”

  “You seem to know what you’re doing.” I gesture to the attractive way she’s arranged the cheese tray.

  “Rex, you bought pre-sliced cheese and pepperoni. All I had to do was place them on the tray.”

  “Well, your tray arranging skills are on point.” I wink.

  She wipes her hands on a dish towel. “What’s next?”

  “I have some fruit I was going to cut up for a salad.” I point to the paper bag on the counter.

  “You got it.” She gets right into the task and we work in companionable silence. It feels
like we’ve done this a dozen times before.

  Picking up my phone from the island, I scroll through my playlist and select a song, my lips twitching with the urge to smile.

  “What’s so funny?” I guess I didn’t hide my amusement as well as I thought. The song “We’re Not Gonna Take It” begins to play and Danika rolls her eyes. “I should’ve known you’d like music about fighting authority.”

  “Hey, I’m predictable if nothing else.”

  “Pfft. Predictable is the last thing you are.” She glances pointedly at me before returning to slicing strawberries. “So, who am I going to be meeting today?”

  “My mom and dad, my brothers, and my niece and nephew. Catherine, Ruby’s mom will be here too.”

  “What’s she like?”

  “She’s hardworking and career driven without losing the balance of parenting too.”

  “Remind me why you guys aren’t together? I know you said you didn’t believe in marrying for a child’s sake, but have you guys ever tried to work things out?”

  “By the time we broke up at the end of college it was long overdue. We were great friends, but the spark was missing between us.”

  “Do you think a spark matters that much?”

  Stepping closer, I clasp her shoulders, turning her to face me. I brush the back of my hand against her cheek and the knife clatters from her hand to the counter. Her breath hitches and releases in a ragged sigh. “Yes, I think chemistry matters. Don’t you?” I husk, my thumb tracing the curve below her bottom lip. Staring into each other’s eyes, with only inches separating us, I’ve never been so tempted to kiss someone. And just as my face inches forward, I hear my daughter barreling down the stairs.

  Straightening up, I meet Danika’s wide eyes and place a comfortable distance between us.

  “How do I look?” Ruby poses with a hand on her hip, showing off the new dress she picked out as one of her presents from me.

  “You look beautiful as always.” I smile.

  She rolls her eyes. “Dad, you always say that.”

  “I mean it every time too.”

  “Well, if it helps, we just met and I love that dress. It looks fantastic on you.”