by Joy Elbel
Wow. I’d never seen Rachel so mad before. The anger flashing through her eyes was reminiscent of the look in Zach’s eyes the day he pummeled Ryan in the hallway at school. Thank God she had better impulse control than Zach did because if not, they probably would have been hauling me out of the country club in a body bag. My plan to let her cool down first before trying to reason with her wasn’t as practical as I originally thought it was going to be. If I waited for that, we would still be in this restroom five days from now—if not longer. As she took a deep breath in preparation for round two of the whiplashing, I seized my opportunity.
“Rachel, I know it looks bad—I know that I must look like a super bitch right now, but I can explain. Please hear me out!” I pleaded. “You have to believe me—it’s not what it looks like. Scouts honor!”
When I held up the Boy Scout hand signal that I learned from Clay, I of course thought of him. And he instantly appeared beside me with a huge grin on his face when he realized he was once again in the ladies room. That grin turned to a slight look of fear when he glanced Rachel’s direction and saw the steam all but rolling out of her ears. He pointed to the door and walked straight through it without a word. How sad was it that I was now scaring ghosts and not the other way around? Why couldn’t I just have a normal life?!
“You have exactly sixty seconds,” she said as she looked at the time on her phone. “Starting now!” Rachel leaned back against the sink and folded her arms across her chest. She cast her eyes at the floor in front of her. If she was so mad at me that she couldn’t even look at me, how much worse was my conversation with Zach going to be? Assuming that Rachel let me walk out of the restroom with the ability to still speak, that is.
Unsure of whether or not she would actually hold me to her one minute promise, I flung the words out of my mouth as quickly as I could. The fact that I had been torn between Zach and Lucas, between the long road and the easy way out, between the past and the present—all of it shot out of me in an emotional regurgitation. All of the things I’d been holding inside of me for way too long because I hoped they would go away on their own now lay metaphorically at my feet as well as hers.
“So yes,” I admitted, “I did enjoy that kiss but not for the obvious reasons. That kiss freed me from all of my guilt and doubt. Kissing Lucas proved to me once and for all that I want to be with Zach and only Zach. Please tell me where he is! I have to talk to him and beg him to take me back!”
Once I fell silent, Rachel finally looked me in the eyes. “So why is Lucas here with you now? He sure doesn’t look like someone who just had his heart broken. Or are you keeping him on the leash until after you talk to Zach? You know, as backup in case my brother wants nothing more to do with you?”
Her accusation inflamed me but I knew that I’d earned it. “No, Rachel! I haven’t talked to him yet because I want to talk to Zach first. He’s the one who truly deserves an apology here. I’ll deal with Lucas later. Even if Zach never wants to speak to me again, I still don’t want to be with Lucas. If I can’t be with Zach, then I would rather be alone.” I waited for another round of assaults but it never came. Instead, she asked me only one question.
“Are you absolutely certain that you’ve made your decision once and for all?”
“One hundred percent, Rachel. It’s Zach or it’s nobody at all. Now please tell me where he is.” “I don’t know where he is and frankly, I’m a bit worried about him. He was really upset when he left the Bantam. I texted him a few times but he never responded. Just before you walked in, I got a funny feeling that something bad happened but I tried to ignore it. That feeling isn’t going away either. I knew something was wrong the day Grandma died, remember? This doesn’t feel exactly the same way but kind of. You don’t think he could be….” Rachel stopped herself from saying the next word but I didn’t have to be psychic to know what it was going to be. Dead. She was pondering whether or not Zach was dead.
As I was about to console her by saying that I would know for certain if he was, I realized that it would be a lie. Seeing ghosts wasn’t an exact science. I hadn’t come across Lee or my mom yet—the two people you would think would have contacted me first. Sudden horrible thought. Maybe I had come into contact with him but I just didn’t realize it at the time. That freak wind, that unending sense of cold—was it possible that Zach was now gone and transformed into a new type of entity that I never knew existed? Oh dear God, no! If he died thinking that I betrayed him, it could turn him into something dangerous and vengeful. I couldn’t let Rachel know what I was thinking—it would only cause her to freak out. We needed to both stay calm and find him as soon as possible.
“We need to find him now, Rachel!” This time I was the one grabbing her arm and towing her behind. “Come on—let’s go!”
Rachel firmly planted her feet in the doorway and shook her head no. “I can’t, Ruby! My intestinal tract is still a mess. I barely made it here from the theater in time, if you know what I mean. You’ll have to go find him yourself.”
Just what I didn’t want to hear. I was afraid to go alone now just in case I found him dead somewhere. Lucas would go with me if I asked him to but I needed to stick firmly to what I’d said to Rachel. If I couldn’t be with Zach, I would rather be alone. My friendship with Lucas had to end tonight. It had to end now. All I needed was a ride back to the theater to grab my keys and phone. This was the last favor I would ever ask from Lucas. The theater wasn’t even that far away. What’s the worst that could happen?
2. Wicked Game
CRASH!! I don’t know which was worse—the jarring blow as the Neon impacted with a large pine tree or the shock from the airbag thrusting into my face as I flew forward. It was sheer sensory overload. My ears were assaulted with the sounds of both crunching metal and what sounded like a close range gunshot. My left hand was still clutching the steering wheel and covered in the hot powder released by the airbag. My chest ached from where the seatbelt locked tightly around me and I was shaking all over. Nearly every part of my body hurt in some way but I was alive—I was definitely alive. Which was more than I could say for my car. I took one look at the crumpled front end and called the time of death. The Neon was most definitely totaled. I may have survived the accident but I was most certainly going to be dead when my dad found out.
Once the first layer of shock from the accident wore off, I remembered why it happened in the first place. Ruby. Watching her kiss Lucas hurt far worse than hitting that tree did. I knew she was torn between the two of us but I begged her to tell me first if she decided that she didn’t want to be with me. She knew how upset that kiss was going to make me. Why couldn’t she just be honest with me? There’s no crueler thing in this world than to mess with someone’s heart when you know that they are in love with you. Even though she hurt me in the most terrible way, I was still just that—in love with her. How was I ever going to get over her? Was it even possible to get over her? God, I just wanted to curl up into a little cocoon and never come out again.
The closest thing I had to a cocoon was my bed and that was exactly where I wanted to be—but first, I needed to get a ride home. Okay, make that the second thing I needed. First, I needed to find my phone. I always tossed it into one of the cup holders as soon as I got into the car but it definitely wasn’t there now. As a matter of fact, nothing was where I usually kept it. My car wasn’t just a wreck on the outside—it was a wreck on the inside, too. Every single thing was lying in a heap on the floor. As I dug through the pile of books, papers, and random crap lying on the passenger side floor, I imagined how mad my dad was going to be. He would go on and on about how my reckless driving just cost me tons of money. I would hear about how expensive cars are and that I should have taken better care of the one I had. Not to mention the five hour long speech about how much the cost of my insurance was about to go up. Then I would have to endure the inevitable lecture on why I shouldn’t have quit playing football. When I finally found what I was looking for, I realized that
he would have one more thing to add to his ever-growing list of my failures. The touch screen on my phone was completely shattered.
I let out a string of choice curse words and flung it at the dash as hard as I could. What happened to my good luck? What? Wasn’t getting dumped in front of the whole town and totaling the Neon on the same night enough for one day? Not only did I now not have a car, I was also stranded without a phone. I distinctly remembered plowing down a mailbox on my way down the embankment so at least I knew there was a house somewhere nearby. Unfortunately, I also remembered the name I saw on that mailbox as it flew past my windshield. Seeley. Things weren’t already bad enough so I had to go and wreck right by Lucas’s house. I mean, really, what were the odds of that happening? Like it or not, I didn’t even know how much further I would have to walk to find the next house so I just prayed that he and Ruby weren’t there when I knocked on the door. My jacket was still at the theater so I grabbed a hoodie out of the jumbled mess in the backseat and forced my jammed door open. It was freezing outside. This wasn’t going to be a fun walk.
For every two steps I made up that hill, I slid back one, too. It was a sheer obstacle course of snow, ice, rocks, and fallen branches. When I was almost to the top, I caught sight of the victimized mailbox and decided to retrieve it just in case it could be saved. I figured the mailbox belonged to his parents and not Lucas, so I did what I would have done if there had been a name other than his on the side of it. Oh but please, please, don’t let either one of them be there. If I had to watch him kiss her one more time…I was afraid of what I might do to him. I was lucky enough to escape assault charges for the incident with Ryan Fedderhoff but there was no way Lucas would be that forgiving.
When I finally reached the top, I took a good look at what caused me to swerve off of the road. Road kill. Road kill that once again had a large black crow perched on its remains. Why did that bird continue to taunt me? “YOU WIN!!” I shouted at the bird as if I thought it could understand me. Because in some weird way, I knew that it could. While most crows would have taken flight after being screamed at, this one did not. It just sat there, cocked its head, and stared at me the same way it did that day in Pittsburgh. It wasn’t even interested in its fresh new meal—all of its attention was focused on me. Even though I was a serious animal lover, I found myself wishing I’d run it over the same way I did the mailbox. For some reason, I was suddenly struck with the urge to challenge it.
Yeah, I was fully aware that the thing was big enough and strong enough to peck both of my eyes out before I even knew what hit me, but I walked straight up to it anyway. With its sharp beak, just inches from my face, I stared into its beady little eyes and began speaking to it.
“Is this what you want? Isn’t road kill good enough for you?” I paused a second and then spoke its name. “Lee.” Either I was right and this bird was a reincarnated form of Lucas’s twin brother or heartbreak had driven me completely insane. Did it really even matter which theory was correct? I was still standing in the middle of nowhere on a freezing cold night— talking to a crow.
The bird sat silent as I pointed to the carcass beneath its feet. It was the most gruesome sight I’d ever seen. I’d never been that close to road kill so newly dead. Usually, they were merely mangled messes of a barely recognizable species. Oh, but this one was different. It was a raccoon, clearly a raccoon. The poor creature’s body was in perfect shape except for one thing. Its chest was ripped open and stripped clean—I could identify every bone in its exposed rib cage but the heart was missing. That nasty scavenger dined on the beast’s heart and wanted nothing more from it. How symbolic. I was that raccoon—in perfect working order except for the fact that my heart had been ripped out. I felt as raw and exposed as that poor dead animal looked. What Lee did to it, Lucas had done to me. For as long as I lived, I would never get that sight—or how closely it resembled how I felt—out of memory.
“You disgust me,” I said, still unable to peel my eyes away from the grisly carcass. “You took its heart—now go away and leave it in peace.” While technically I was speaking of the raccoon, I was really referring to myself. Lee, Lucas, Ruby—I wanted them all to go away. I wanted to pretend that none of them ever existed and that I would wake up from this nightmare in the morning. I wanted to wake up and not have this hollow feeling in my chest anymore. I wanted to wake up and not still be in love with someone who didn’t love me back.
As I mourned for that raccoon and myself at the same time, I felt a soft, feathery brush against my cheek. When I lifted my eyes, I saw that the crow had reached out its massive wing toward me as though to comfort me. My God—I really am going crazy. Insanity helped drain away the anger, though, and I stayed there for a moment clasped in its sympathetic embrace. The crow finally lowered its wing, cocked its head to the right, and flew off into the woods. So what did I do? The most insane thing that made perfect sense—I followed it.
I chased after it until it was gone from sight but I found what I was looking for in the first place. A house. His house. There was only one vehicle parked outside and it wasn’t that overbearing muscle car he drove so I felt a slight sense of relief. Lights shone brightly through the window panes so I knew that at least someone was at home. All I wanted was enough time to call my dad for help. After I made that call, I decided that I would wait outside far away from the house in case Lucas arrived. All I needed was five minutes. Or so I thought. In the end, even five years wasn’t enough time to fully comprehend what I found in that house.
The closer I got to it the more I realized just how small the place was. I thought I lived in a small house but mine looked like Rosewood in comparison to the Seeley residence. For real, it was more the size of a seasonal hunting camp—the kind of place that was big enough to spend a weekend in and that was about it. Lord knows I’m no snob but I was taken aback at just how tiny and rundown it was. Even the pickup truck parked outside was nothing I would care to drive. My Neon was no flashy sports car but it had a higher trade in value than that rusty hunk of junk. Okay, it used to have a higher trade in value. I loved that car so much and it was going to be hard to accept the fact that I would never drive it again. At least I still had Ruby’s Neon to drive on occasion—wait a second, no I didn’t. The list of things that died tonight just kept getting longer—our relationship, my car, and a random raccoon that I had so much in common with. What was going to be next?
I stepped up to the front door of the cottage and gave a quick rap on the door. It just didn’t make any sense to me. City Boy drove an expensive car and spent tons of money on a girl who wasn’t even his girlfriend and yet his family lived in a complete dump. He didn’t have a job that I knew of—where did he get all of this money he kept flashing around? The possibility of him being a drug dealer crossed my mind but even that didn’t seem logical. There was only one person I’d ever seen talking to him at school and that was Ruby. Surely if he was a dealer, he would know more people in town by this point. I knew right from the start that he was trying to steal Ruby away from me but I was starting to think that he was hiding something far more sinister than grand theft girlfriend. But what could it be?
A moment of waiting at the door for someone to answer it was seriously cutting into my five minute timeframe. Again, I announced my presence but this time with much more urgent banging. Sure, I was anxious to get the whole scene with my dad over with but honestly, I was more curious to see what lie just across the threshold. If Lucas really was hiding something big, now was my best chance to discover what it was.
“Please be patient,” a feeble voice called from within, “I have a hard time getting around these days.” Of all things. Usually, I wasn’t that impatient with the elderly. I even spent some time playing checkers with them at the nursing home during my brief stint as a Boy Scout. But tonight, the last thing I needed was Lucas’s ancient grandmother taking forever to answer the door. My five minutes was now looking more like three. As I stood there torn between getting pissed beca
use she was moving so slowly and branding myself a total shitass for getting pissed, the door finally opened and the mystery surrounding Lucas slowly unfolded from there.
3. Backstage Passes
“Lucas!” I bellowed as I barged out of the restroom, “I need you to take me back to the Bantam.” As he shoved a finger sandwich into his mouth all in one bite, I noticed a distinct eye roll so I tacked on another command. “Now!”
“Make up your mind, Ru. First you’re all like, ‘Lucas, go get some punch or something.’ So I make myself at home at the buffet and now you want me to drop everything and take you on another joy ride. Why can’t women ever be satisfied?” Casually, he plucked another sandwich from the platter and popped it into his mouth.
“Here,” I said grabbing a napkin from the side table and hastily filling it with food. “You’re getting this meal to go. If it weren’t for you and that stupid kiss, I wouldn’t need to be in such a hurry. In fact, I wouldn’t need you at all. Now let’s go!”
“Stupid kiss, huh? You didn’t think it was so stupid at the time.” I didn’t have time to argue with him—there were more important things I needed to take care of first. The conversation with Lucas about that stupid kiss had to wait until I found Zach. The feeling that something was terribly wrong just wouldn’t go away. “Later Lucas—right now I need a ride to the Bantam.”
