Mama's Bible

by Mildred Colvin

  It couldn’t be real. Through the tears that flooded her eyes, she watched anguish twist her mother’s face. Mama’s broken-hearted sobs made the ugly tragedy real. Even Dad poured out his grief in tears.

  Jason turned away and knelt on the riverbank beside Karl, his face twisted, his head thrown back.

  Katie reached for Susanna and held her tight as tears poured down both their cheeks. Only one in the family remained dry-eyed. Tommy stood slightly apart from the others staring woodenly at his little brother while a muscle twitched in his jaw.

  Katie collapsed to the ground with Susanna. She held her little sister close and rocked back and forth while they cried. An arm slipped around her shoulders.

  “Katie, I’m here to help.” Rachel’s soft voice penetrated the fog of Katie’s mind.

  Katie’s eyes focused on Rachel, but she couldn’t speak past the tears clogging her throat. Rachel’s mother lifted Susanna from her lap.

  “Lean on me.” Rachel helped Katie. “You’re coming with us. We’ve already talked to your folks and it’s all right.”

  Katie turned toward her baby sister. Susanna snuggled against Mrs. Morgan’s shoulder. Rachel led her away, but she couldn’t go. Not yet. She turned back. “No, we can’t leave him here. Not by himself.”

  Just then some men knelt on either side of Karl. Rachel’s arm tightened around her. “He won’t be alone. The men are taking care of him. Karl’s in heaven with Jesus now. He’ll never be alone again.”

  Rachel’s soft voice soothed Katie so she finally allowed her friend to lead her toward the already forming night ring.

  Susanna clung to Mrs. Morgan and soon went to sleep, but Katie sat and stared straight ahead, remembering and trying to forget. Rachel knelt beside her and placed her hand on Katie’s shoulder. The love and concern in Rachel’s brown eyes released the dam Katie had built against her tears. She fell into Rachel’s arms and the two girls wept together, one in grief and one in compassion.

  ~*~

  Jason stumbled back out of the way as the men took Karl. His mind whirled with scenes from the last few minutes, making no sense. Why couldn’t they revive Karl? He was too young to die.

  He lifted his face to the gray clouds and cried. “Lord, why are You doing this? He’s only a child. His life has scarcely started. Take me instead, but please, let Karl live.”

  The men lifted Karl from the sand and carried him away. Jason wanted to follow, but he couldn’t. He’d become more than an older friend to Karl when he led the little boy to accept the Lord the night before. His relationship had turned to that of a mentor, almost a parent. He cared about Karl and death had snatched him before he had a chance to grow.

  Jason looked but couldn’t find Tommy. Karl’s parents followed the men carrying him away. Where were the girls? He swung around, wanting to be of use, but not knowing what else to do. Katie was with her friend from the wagon behind. Rachel and her mother had stepped in to care for both Katie and her little sister. There was nothing more he could do. He sank to the ground and bowed his head, letting the tears fall.

  ~*~

  The wagon master held the train for the funeral early the next morning. Katie stood with her family only half listening to Mr. Taylor as he read the 23rd Psalm from his well-worn Bible. Everyone attended the services and grieved with the Donovans. Karl’s death was the first in what they all feared might be many before they reached their destination.

  Rachel stood with her family a few steps away. Jason was with an older woman Katie assumed was Mrs. Taylor. He lifted his head for a moment and met Katie’s gaze. The anguish on his face brought fresh tears to her eyes, and she looked away, hurting for him and for herself.

  Clay stood close behind Katie. Although he didn’t touch her, she knew he was there and felt the warmth of his comforting presence.

  Karl lay wrapped in a blanket on the ground beside a quickly dug grave in the middle of the trail. Katie couldn’t bring herself to look at him. It wasn’t real. He should get up and laugh at the joke he’d played on them. He wasn’t really dead. He couldn’t be.

  Tears ran unceasingly down her cheeks. Her eyes burned from all she’d shed throughout the night, and the pain in her chest refused to go away.

  She lifted her head and looked at Tommy. As much as she hurt, surely his pain must be even worse. Last night he disappeared until late in the night. Dad, already racked with grief, searched for him until he didn’t know where else to look. They all stayed up until he stumbled into camp, reeking of alcohol, but with no explanation for his actions. He fell over a bucket and mumbled about growing up to be just like Dad. He was obviously trying to block out what had happened. He stood now with an expression as hard and unmoving as a stone. A muscle twitched in his jaw as if he were angry.

  “Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound . . .”

  The people sang with tears and concern in their eyes. Karl’s death had brought the company closer together. Katie turned away before Dad dropped the first shovel of dirt into the shallow grave. She stumbled blindly and would have fallen except Clay’s arm encircled her shoulders.

  “Katie, are you all right?”

  She swung toward him, glaring at him. “What do you think? My little brother’s dead and my big brother doesn’t care.”

  Clay stood silent a moment looking into her eyes. “Tommy cares all right.”

  She looked down, anger toward the injustice burning in her voice. “He got drunk last night, Clay. His brother not even in the grave yet and he goes out and gets drunk. Oh, yeah, he really cares, doesn’t he?”

  Clay’s eyes narrowed. “Where did he get strong drink? It’s supposed to be for medical purposes only.”

  Katie shrugged. “I don’t know. I guess someone has some, and they let him have it.”

  “Well, they’d better keep it well hidden because the wagon master won’t take kindly to anyone spreading alcohol around for anything other than medicine.”

  Katie looked at Clay, and her heart felt as if it weighed a ton. “You haven’t understood a thing I said, have you?”

  He frowned. “Of course. You’re concerned about Tommy. I am, too.”

  Rachel spoke at her side. “Katie, is there anything I can do?”

  Katie turned from Clay. She reached out, and Rachel embraced her. “I’m so sorry, Katie. I can’t believe this has happened.”

  Tears sprang anew to Katie’s aching eyes. “I know. This has to be a bad dream. Only I’m afraid I won’t wake up from it.”

  Rachel pulled back and shook her head. “No, Katie, but it will get better with time. Just turn it over to Jesus, and He’ll give you comfort.”

  Katie stared at her friend. Such useless words. Not that she blamed Rachel. She probably believed what she said.

  ~*~

  Katie stayed in the wagon as mile after mile separated her from her little brother. Rachel said things would get better in time. If so, why did the hole in her heart grow larger with each mile they traveled? That night they made camp eighteen miles from Karl.

  “Katie, can you milk Nanny?” Dad met her as she climbed from the wagon.

  The nanny goat bleated same as she did every night when they stopped. Karl always milked her. Tears filled Katie’s eyes, and a sob escaped.

  “Oh, forget it.” Dad turned toward the goat. “I’ll do it.”

  Even Nanny missed Karl. Her bleats became a cry for the boy who had played with her while he milked her. Katie shrank from the sound, but couldn’t get away. She had to help Mama fix supper. As if anyone would feel like eating.

  Dad brought the milk to Mama. “I didn’t get as much as—” He shrugged. “As usual. But here it is.”

  “Thank you.” Mama held her head high when she took the milk although she didn’t look at Dad.

  “I hope we’re not intruding.” Mr. Bartlett, from the wagon in front of theirs, stepped into their camp. His wife stood beside him. “We just stopped by to tell you how sorry we are and to see if there’s anything we can do for you f
olks.”

  “Thank you.” Mama almost whispered the words.

  Dad nodded. “We appreciate your offer, but we’ll do all right. We have to.”

  “I understand.” They turned as if to leave.

  “There’s one thing.” Dad stopped them. “Would you be able to use a good milk goat?” He cleared his throat and motioned toward the goat. “Nanny was a pet of Karl’s. Well, truthfully, he made pets out of all the animals, which is why he—”

  Tears filled Katie’s eyes. She couldn’t bear hearing about Karl. She turned away and blocked Dad’s voice out. Thankfully, the Bartletts didn’t stay long and when they left, Nanny went with them.

  Mama didn’t seem to care. She looked one way and then another, past the wagons as if looking for someone. When they sat down to eat, and Tommy hadn’t shown up, Katie understood she’d been looking for him. Neither Dad nor Mama mentioned his absence.

  Katie forced a little food past the knot in her throat, although she hadn’t felt like eating all day. Now she ate for Mama. Already dark circles framed Mama’s eyes and her face was so pale. The shock of Karl’s death could harm the baby. The unseen life her mother carried became even more important now. Katie felt so old and tired. Life seemed especially fragile. How easily and quickly it could be taken away.

  ~*~

  After she ate, Katie took the bucket to a nearby stream to get water. When she returned, Jason Barnett sat visiting with her dad. She ignored them and began washing dishes.

  “Katie, let me help.” Mama’s voice sounded soft by her side.

  “No. You go sit down. You’ve done enough today. I’ll get these clean and put away.” Katie urged her mother to rest and was glad when she reluctantly turned back to sit by the men.

  Katie worked quickly as she heard Karl’s name mentioned again and again. How could they sit there and talk about him as if everything was all right? Her tears cooled the wash water and her heart became a leaden ball that bounced with each mention of his name. She wanted to scream.

  Finally the dishes were done, and she walked past the others without looking their way.

  Dad called out, reproach lining his voice. “Katie, we have company.”

  She spared him a glance. “No, Dad. You have company. I don’t. You can talk about Karl all you want to because I won’t stay here to hear it.”

  She didn’t slow her steps, but before she left the circle of light from the campfire, she heard Jason’s voice. “With your permission, Sir, I’ll see that she’s all right.”

  His footsteps sounded behind her, but she ignored them. Tears burned her eyes. She’d already cried a bushel of tears. There should be no more left. A short distance from camp she stopped and leaned against a tree in a dark place where no prying eyes could witness her misery.

  A twig snapped, and she rolled her eyes. Who else but Jason? Maybe if she ignored him, he’d leave. She looked up into the night sky at an especially bright star and fixed her gaze on it.

  “Miss Donovan,” Jason spoke softly. “Is there anything I can do for you?”

  Katie whirled to face him. “Yes. You can tell me why God did this to us.”

  Jason’s eyes widened as he stared at her. “I don’t believe God did it.”

  “Well, He sure didn’t stop it.”

  “No, but sometimes God allows things to happen and eventually good comes.”

  “Good!” Katie stared at him in disbelief. Her voice grew sarcastic. “Oh, sure, excuse me for forgetting all the good taking my brother has caused.”

  “Did you know Karl gave his life to God the night before he died?”

  A sneer crossed Katie’s face. “He told me. So how could a loving Heavenly Father take the life of a boy who had just given his life to Him? That doesn’t seem loving to me.”

  The blue of Jason’s eyes in the dim light of the moonlit night seemed black as he looked at Katie. He remained silent so long she wondered if he would answer. Strangely enough, she very much wanted him to.

  In a soft voice, he finally spoke. “God’s ways are so far above our ways that we can’t always understand them. God sees the future while we only see the past and present and as the Bible says, even what’s in front of our faces is only as clear as if we are looking through a dark glass.”

  Jason shuffle his foot through the leaves. “Karl is enjoying heaven right now because he became a Christian. I wouldn’t want to take that away from him, and I don’t think you would either. We don’t know what might have happened in his future if he had lived. He might have drifted from God or something could have happened making his life miserable. We don’t know. I do know God loves him, and He loves you, too.”

  In spite of her anger and fear, Jason’s words spoke to her heart. All her life Katie had heard God loved her. Jason might be right, but knowing the truth did little to ease her pain. Her voice became a whisper as tears filled her throat. “I miss Karl so much. He was my little brother. He was so alive and now he’s . . .”

  A sob choked off the rest of her words. She buried her face in her hands as her shoulders shook.

  His strong arms pulled her into his embrace. His warmth and strength surrounded her, seeping into her body, releasing tension while one hand gently rubbed a circle on the middle of her back. If only he could hold her forever. She didn’t want to leave the first shelter she’d found since Karl died.

  Chapter 6

  The days passed slowly without further incident. Firewood was plentiful and every few miles, the Kansas River showed up to supply water and remind Katie of her loss. She hated the river, yet it pulled at her emotions with a horrible fascination. Only when they veered away from the water, did her muscles relax. Then one night the tension returned when their train set up camp at the Vermillion River.

  After supper, as the sun set the western sky aflame, Katie slipped away from her family. Three days passed, and still her heart hurt so much she could think of nothing but Karl. She wandered aimlessly through the company, speaking only when someone called a greeting. She came to the side of the large wagon circle nearest the Vermillion River as if drawn against her will.

  She climbed over the chain and wagon tongue between two wagons and walked slowly toward the edge of the riverbank. With the train behind her, she stopped and stared at the water rushing downstream.

  “What are you doing out here?” Jason touched her arm

  She hadn’t heard him approach, but she wasn’t alarmed. To be frightened, one had to feel, and Katie wondered if she would ever feel again.

  “I felt like walking.” A faint smile crossed her lips as she turned to look up at him. “What are you doing out? More good deeds?”

  “I thought you needed an escort.” Jason’s hand tightened on her arm. “In case you don’t know, there are Kansa Indians living in these parts, and I’ve heard they’re not the most civilized tribe.”

  “I wasn’t thinking of Indians.” Katie looked out over the water at an enormous American Elm tree on the opposite bank. It stood tall and proud as a sentinel keeping watch over the river. Her gaze lowered to the ground at the foot of the tree and the drop off to the river below. A soft gasp escaped her lips.

  Jason seemed to understand her fear. He touched her shoulder in a comforting gesture. “Don’t worry. By tomorrow, we’ll be across with no trouble.”

  “How?”

  “We’ll wrap chains around one of these trees and lower the wagons one at a time. It’s been done before. I’m sure we’ll have to again.”

  Don’t worry? Of course she didn’t worry. She didn’t care anymore. She’d already cried all the care out of her heart. Drops fell on her crossed arms, telling her she was wrong. She swiped at her eyes and found a steady stream running down her cheeks. This wasn’t fair. “Jason, why did he have to die?” She whispered. “I miss him. It hurts, Jason. It really hurts.”

  Katie turned so her forehead touched Jason’s chest as he tightened his hold around her. Strength and comfort seeped into her emotions from his concern. He didn
’t answer, but held her until her crying slowed.

  She must look awful. Her lashes were wet. Her eyes always got red when she cried. She covered her face, but the image in her mind didn’t go away. Her face was probably blotchy, too. He shouldn’t see her like this, but there was no place to hide.

  He tucked a soft cloth in her hand. His handkerchief.

  She repaired her face as much as she could before lifting her head. “I’m sorry. Crying on you is becoming a habit.”

  Jason loosened his hold without taking his arms away. “I don’t mind. Thank you for calling me Jason.”

  Katie pulled away. “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize I did.”

  He dropped his arms. “If you’ve seen enough of the river, we’d better get back. I didn’t have time to bring my gun, and I wouldn’t want to meet any Indians without it.”

  She walked beside him, her mind scarcely comprehending what had just happened. Little in her life now seemed real, as if a fog surrounded her. Jason had held her in his arms, and she’d found comfort there. He confused and frightened her, yet he seemed as a rock in his solid strength. He didn’t approve of her, but he provided more comfort and understanding than anyone else had. Even more than Clay. His attempt at comfort had left her frustrated by his lack of understanding. Why couldn’t Clay be more like Jason?

  ~*~

  Jason kept a wary eye out for Indians, but didn’t see anything. At least Katie hadn’t wandered far from the wagons, but he didn’t like the way she’d acted. As if she didn’t care about herself. She showed no fear when he mentioned the danger she could have faced. Had Karl’s death affected her deeper than he’d known? His heart ached for hers.

  Lord, keep Katie in the palm of Your hand. Help her heal from her loss. Be with her entire family. Tommy also seems to be hurting beyond the range of Your comfort. If I can help them, please show me how.

  Tonight, he would ask Ma and Pa Taylor to pray with him for the Donovan family.

  Katie looked up at him with wide green eyes. “Thank you for being there. I don’t know how you do it, but you always seem to know when I need help.”