Funeral Platter

by Greg Ames

  Also by Greg Ames

  Buffalo Lockjaw

  Copyright © 2017 by Greg Ames

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any manner without the express written consent of the publisher, except in the case of brief excerpts in critical reviews or articles. All inquiries should be addressed to Arcade Publishing, 307 West 36th Street, 11th Floor, New York, NY 10018.

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  Arcade Publishing® is a registered trademark of Skyhorse Publishing, Inc.®, a Delaware corporation.

  Visit our website at www.arcadepub.com.

  10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available on file.

  Cover design by Erin Seaward-Hiatt

  Print ISBN: 978-1-5107-2581-2

  Ebook ISBN: 978-1-5107-2583-6

  Printed in the United States of America

  For my friends—

  past, present, and future

  CONTENTS

  1

  Chemistry

  Discipline

  Men’s Room

  The Life She’s Been Missing

  A Domestic Tyranny

  2

  Hallie Bang

  Is the Vagina Necessary?

  Benefactor

  I Feel Free

  Family Album

  3

  A Love Letter

  Punishment

  Quagmire

  Appetites

  The Wind in the Street

  4

  Nothing to Do with Me

  The Ecstasy of Biography

  Playing Ping-Pong with Pontius Pilate

  Retirement Home

  Before the Burial

  Acknowledgments

  I am trying to hold in one steady glance all the parts of my life.

  ADRIENNE RICH

  CHEMISTRY

  Gretchen arrived first and took a seat by the café’s front window. These half-hour coffee dates were a necessary burden since she’d become single again. She refused to waste time with dinner or drinks and kept her expectations low. Life was way too short, she’d told a girlfriend, to fritter away on dudes who couldn’t be present: addicts, wounded birds, stockbrokers, wannabe rock stars. No thanks. You could learn a lot about a human being, she believed, over a single cup of coffee.

  She kicked her shoes off under the table and continued reading her paperback and barely noticed when a man hurried in, twenty minutes late.

  “You Gretchen? I’m Keith,” he said, grimacing a little, as if he hated the sound of his own name.

  “Nice to meet you,” she said and offered her right hand. “Robert has told me a lot about you.”

  Keith stripped off his leather jacket and sank into the chair opposite her. Sweat stains under his arms darkened the fabric of his dress shirt. “Sorry I’m so late. I got rear-ended a few blocks south of here. I had to, you know, get out, check the damage—there was none, thankfully. But the woman who hit me was really shaken up about it and kind of over apologetic.” He laughed. “She wouldn’t let me drive away. She kept offering me money.”

  “How nice,” Gretchen said, “that she was so nice to you.”

  “I waved my hand and told her it was no big deal. These things happen.” He smiled at the memory of his own beneficence. “Turns out we went to the same college. And she—”

  “Was she hot?” Gretchen said. “Did you get her digits, tiger?”

  “Excuse me?” He blinked his eyes three times in rapid succession. “What are you saying?”

  “Will you call her up next week to chat about all the damage to your bumper?”

  “I don’t think I know what you’re talking about.” He looked to his left and right, perhaps hoping for corroboration from a witness. “I just had a car accident.”

  She stared at him but said nothing.

  Keith pushed the saltshaker forward with his finger, as though he were moving a pawn on a chessboard, and then he brought it back to its original position beside the pepper. “It wasn’t meant as a personal slight, Gretchen.”

  “I’ve heard that before.” She shoved her book into one of the shoulder bags at her feet. “I see that look in your eye. It’s so obvious.”

  “What are you saying?”

  She leaned forward, the points of her elbows on the table. “It’s obvious that this just isn’t working between us. I don’t know what Robert was thinking when he said I should meet you.” She stood up and grabbed her coat, almost knocking the chair over in the process.

  Heads turned at nearby tables.

  Keith reached for her wrist and prevented her from leaving. “Gretchen, please. Give me another chance.”

  “Oh, Keith, don’t,” she said and lowered herself into her seat. “Don’t. People are looking at us.” She allowed him to stroke her knuckles while she averted her eyes.

  “Gretchen, listen to me. Let’s not throw it all away,” he said. “It was just a fender bender.” He squeezed her hand. “It happened so fast, and then it was over. I barely even remember her name.”

  Gretchen shut her eyes and let out her breath. “Did you wear a condom?”

  He touched his chest lightly with his fingers. “Look, I would never, ever—Are we still talking about the woman in the other car?”

  “There you go again, answering my question with a question. I know that’s one of your little tricks to buy time. But your money is no good at this bank. Your chips are expired and the sands have already passed through the hourglass.”

  Keith shut his eyes and ground his knuckles into the lids. “You’re mixing your metaphors.”

  She glared at him. “So now I’m an idiot?”

  He glared back, a muscle flexing in his jaw. “Did I call you an idiot? Did you hear me call you an idiot or did you imagine it?”

  “When was the last time you called me smart?” she asked, her arms crossed on her chest. “When was the last time you made me feel meritorious? Huh? There’s a fifty-cent word for you, genius.”

  Keith turned and took hold of his leather jacket. “I should’ve known you’d be like this. Everything turns into an argument with you. You’re paranoid. And I see you’ve taken your shoes off in a public place, which is unhygienic, by the way.”

  “At least I don’t iron my blue jeans,” she said in a barely audible voice.

  “What was that?” His chin jutted forward. “Did you say something?”

  “You have no fashion sense, Keith. Look at that braided belt.”

  He stood up and tried to put on his bomber jacket, but one of the sleeves was turned inside out. “I’m leaving. I knew if I told you about my car accident you’d be like this.”

  “You knew I’d be like what? What am I like? Inform me.”

  “You can be so …” He shook his head, sat down again across from her. “Damn it, you were right about us. You said it wasn’t working out and I didn’t want to believe it. I guess I just wanted to hold on because, well—”

  “You’re scared of being alone?”

  “Fine, yes. Because I’m scared of being alone.”

  Gretchen broke into a grin, moved by his disclosure. “You’re so passionate when you’re mad, Keith. You have this little vein in your temple. It pulses.”

  He nodded. “My father was like that, too.”

  “Good old Papa,” she said.

  “Dad’s been dead eight years now.”

  “Rest his soul.” Gretchen reached across
the table and touched Keith’s hand. She smiled at him, bringing out The Dimple, one of her best features. “Come on. Put your cool jacket down. Stay. I’ll order us two lattés. Just how you like them.”

  “I don’t drink coffee.”

  “Fine. You can have mango juice, then.”

  “Don’t tell me what I can have and what I can’t have, Gretchen. I’m an adult, goddammit. I’m tired of people telling me what to do.”

  She motioned to a waiter.

  “I mean, so what if I never received a hug or a kind word from my father?” Keith looked out the window. “Men of his generation had no access to their emotions. He put me through a good college instead. Isn’t that a form of love?”

  Gretchen caught the waiter’s eye and gestured to him with a tilt of her head. “Mm-hm,” she said. “College.”

  Keith monitored her reflection in the window. “What the fuck was that?”

  “What?” Her breath caught in her throat. “What did I do?”

  Keith swung his head around to look behind him. “What was that look you just gave him? Are you having an affair with our waiter?”

  She cupped her chin in the palm of her hand and looked up at him through her eyelashes. “Did you have a good day doing what you do at work?”

  “Answer the question, you deceitful whore.”

  “Keith, you’re jealous of that guy?” She nodded in the waiter’s direction. “He and I are just old friends. We met while I was waiting for you.” She waved at the waiter, but his back was turned.

  Keith scooted his chair closer to the table and addressed her in a low voice. “You think you’re smarter than everyone with your book, yeah? And the secret looks you make with your face, yeah? But I’ve got news for you: I’m smart, too, and I see what’s happening here.” He tilted his head in the direction of the waiter. “I’m going to have words with him. Maybe I’ll even invite him out back and settle it like men.”

  “Suit yourself,” she said, “but you’ll be sorry.”

  Keith groaned and covered his face with his hands. “Nobody suffers more than me. This accident with the car and everything. Tax season. My mother’s persistence. Stop calling me, Mother.” He peeked through his spread fingers. “Oh, she’s very warm and sweet, don’t get me wrong, Gretchen, you’ll love her, but sometimes it’s just too much to take.”

  “I know, I know,” Gretchen said, petting the tips of his fingers. “Shhhh. You’ll get through it. Here. Play with the saltshaker again.” She thumbed it toward him. “I know how you like that.”

  “I haven’t slept in days. I’m sorry to subject you to this.” Keith’s hands fluttered at his shirt collar, smoothing the points. “You deserve so much better. I mean, here I am always keeping up this ridiculously handsome exterior. Look at me, everybody. I’m so competent and masculine. It’s just bullshit.”

  “Yup,” she said while texting a girlfriend inside her purse, her cell phone hidden from view. “But you’re right about one thing: you are a handsome man despite your nauseating personality.”

  Keith didn’t appear to be listening. “And I suppose I created this macho persona for myself as a survival tactic, but it doesn’t suit me anymore. I shouldn’t be involved with anybody right now. Mother was right. I need to work on myself first. It’s not fair to you.”

  “Don’t be so hard on yourself.” Gretchen uncapped a tube of vanilla hand lotion and began moisturizing the insides of her wrists. “Fear is a natural reaction to hopelessness. God is dead. North Korea is nuclear. There’s a freak show in the White House. But we can lean on others for support.”

  “Maybe you’re right,” he said.

  “Of course I am. You’ll feel better after a nice meal and a big glass of wine. Let’s get the fuck out of here.”

  “Oh, that mouth of yours,” he said, browsing the lower half of her face with his narrowed eyes. “Those soft lips. You’re a beautiful and strong woman, Gretchen.”

  Blushing, she looked down and smoothed the napkin across her lap. “Am I?” she said.

  “I swear it’s true, my love.”

  She lifted her napkin up, hiding her face so that only her eyes showed. “Am I?” she whispered.

  “Jesus, aren’t you listening to me? I just told you you are. Why don’t you ever listen to me?”

  “I wasn’t sure I heard you the first time. Relax.”

  “Well, clean the wax out of your dirty stupid ears.”

  “You’re gonna talk to me about hygiene? You’ve got filth on your hands, you monster.”

  He inspected his palms. “I had to check the bumper of my car. Remember my car accident?”

  “Was that before you or after you boinked your little college friend?”

  The light through the window had shifted. Keith looked at Gretchen, his eyes now assessing every visible inch of her.

  She imagined herself as “bathed in dusk” and she leaned back in her chair as though soaking in the tub at home.

  “God, you have world-class jugs,” he said. “I can’t stop staring at your cleavage.”

  “As long as we’re finally being honest,” she said, “I’m dying to get my hands on your yogurt knob.”

  Keith’s back straightened, causing his trapezius muscles to expand. “If we weren’t in a public place, I would teach that waiter how to honor and respect a woman’s cooter.”

  She nodded in agreement. “And I would ride you straight into a coma.”

  He beamed with joy for a moment before the weight of reality descended again. “But what’s the point of anything?” he said, slumped in his chair. “Soon they’ll be cloning us. Genetic engineering. I’m sure you’ve been reading about it.”

  “Of course.”

  “Soon this whole city will be crowded with people who look exactly like us, saying the exact same things to each other. Do you know what that means, my love?”

  She nodded. “We’ll have to start making reservations in advance.”

  “This is no joke, goddammit.” He thumped his fist down on the table, rattling the water glasses. “No jokes are being told here. Capitalism has failed. Soon we’ll be forced to work grueling hours in canning factories for the master race. Enjoy your creature comforts now, you posh layabout, because soon there will be no more cafés. No more lattés.”

  “You won’t hear me crying about it.” She flipped her chin defiantly at the espresso machine. “Smash the system.”

  “Life as we know it will change forever, Gretchen.” He lowered his voice. “The government will monitor everything we say, seeking out the dissenters among us. They will implant tracking devices in our brains.”

  She leaned forward and touched her forehead to his. “Widespread famine. Syphilitic dogs roaming the streets. Et cetera. Of course there will be a revolution.”

  The word “revolution” seemed to animate Keith. Once again he flexed his neck and shoulders. “I’ll spill blood for you, Gretchen. I would die in the streets for you.”

  “I might be too busy fighting to notice that,” she said, “but I will dedicate my first manifesto to you, in memory of you.”

  Keith cradled her breasts in his hands. “I shall always remember these meaty honkers.” He cast a suspicious glance at the waiter. “I don’t care if you had sex with that man. We are animals, after all.”

  “We only held hands and smooched a little. Avec tongue.”

  “It’s okay, because I have had this time with you. Remember everything about this, Gretchen. Write it all down. Tell the world what we have done here.”

  She smiled at him. “You bet.”

  “And when you see him again, tell Robert I love him like a brother. He was right to introduce us.”

  “And I am like a sister to Robert. Wait, does that make this incest?”

  “It is a love that cannot be contained. Taboos were invented by cowards.”

  “When you talk tough like that, I get so hot.”

  “I’m on fire with passion for you, for the revolution, for life itself.”
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  She tore open a packet of sugar and emptied it on the floor, a symbolic gesture that they both understood.

  “Yes,” he said. “Yes.”

  They stared at each other across the table, their faces flushed, pupils dilated.

  The waiter, a skinny kid with a ponytail and a light starter beard, appeared beside their table. “You guys wanna order anything yet? I didn’t want to interrupt. Seemed like you were having a pretty intense chat over here.”

  Nobody said anything.

  The young waiter looked at Gretchen, then at Keith. “Maybe start you guys with something to drink?” He scratched his armpit. Another moment passed in silence. “Tell you what. I’ll come back in a few minutes, give you folks a little more time. Sound good?”

  “I’ll summon you when it’s time,” Keith told him.

  “Cool beans,” the kid said and retreated.

  Gretchen pushed her chair back and rose to her feet. “We must go now,” she said. “They’re closing in.”

  Keith remained seated. “Closing in,” he said, deflated.

  She shouldered her purse and her other bag. “There’s no time left. Come on.”

  He looked up at her. “No time,” he whispered. “No time.”

  “Get up.” She seized his hands and pulled him to his feet. “We have to move on from this place immediately.”

  “Move,” he said, as if he’d never heard the word before.

  “I’ll die if I have to stay here another second, Keith.”

  “Okay, yes, right!” he said, snapping to attention. “We have to move right now or we never will.”

  “You guys ready to order?” the waiter called out from behind the espresso machine.

  “Capitalist chump. I don’t answer to you.” Keith tossed a dollar on the floor and kicked his chair over. “Pick that up, you middle-class slave.”

  Gretchen did Keith one better. She found a lighter in her purse and set fire to a five-dollar bill. She left it burning on the table. “I killed your God,” she said to the waiter. Then she shoved open the glass door and held it for Keith.

  It was cold and dark outside. Arms linked, they marched into the street.