"Pippa," she started.
"I want answers. I think I deserve them. You guys have been acting really unfair since you got here and it's stressing me out like crazy. It's Thanksgiving! This is supposed to be a great holiday!" I pressed my back firmly against the door so they couldn't escape.
"What?" my dad asked. He shot my mom a puzzled look.
"She's staying," my mom said dryly. My dad frowned.
"I said I don't know. I really don't know if I'm staying. But would it be the worst thing in the world if I did?"
"Not the worst," my dad said.
I looked at my dad, surprised. "You, too?"
"Honey, we just don't want you to waste your life here like these two boys are," my mom said after she sat on the bed.
I shut my eyes for a second to collect myself. "You think they're wasting their lives? Are you fucking kidding me?"
"You watch your mouth," my dad warned.
"No. I will not watch my mouth. I'm an adult and the two of you have obviously forgotten that. Do you have any idea what those two have been through? How they ended up here? The things they've seen - I've seen - in that forest? The people in there that need our help?"
"They're not alive! Pippa, these people are dead and you aren't doing anything important with your life! We raised you better than this. Bachelor's degree minimum, important job, high paying salary. These are things that need to happen. Once you're financially independent, then you find someone to date and marry. This thing with the forest will not be your life's work. This is something interesting to do before you start college. Something to pad your resume. This is not going to be your life, walking through a dirty forest to find bodies and ghosts," my dad said while pacing the room and moving his hands wildly.
I didn't know what to say. I was so angry that I could cry. I was so hurt that I could scream. I grabbed the doorknob behind me and walked into the hall. Just before I slammed the door I spat, "I didn't get into college."
TWENTY-NINE
I couldn't sleep after dropping that bomb on my parents. A little after midnight when I knew they'd both be asleep, I let myself out of my room and crept downstairs. There was a glow coming from Felix's office door, so I knocked gently.
"Come in."
I opened the door and slid inside. He was at his desk scribbling furiously on papers. The fireplace was the only light in the room. It gave off the most comforting glow.
"Hey," he said. "I wasn't sure what happened, but I'm guessing all that yelling wasn't good. Are you okay?"
I sat on the floor in front of the fireplace and shut my eyes. The warmth felt good. "Not really, no. It was a mess. Now they know I didn't get into college, but I stormed out as I said it, so there's probably much more to come."
Felix filed a few papers in a drawer and then sat behind me. His fingers dug into my shoulders and I sighed as the tension began to leave them.
"I'm sorry," he said quietly. "What can I do?"
I leaned my head back onto his shoulder. "This helps." His lips touched my neck and I smiled. "That helps, too."
"I can help way more than that, then," he said. He tugged the sleeve of my shirt off my shoulder and nipped gently. I leaned forward and stripped it off, then leaned back against him. His fingers grazed my bra before he unhooked it with a little difficulty. He pushed me away from him, spun me, and gently pushed me down. The floor was cold on my back. Somewhere in the back of my mind I realized we were missing something important and when I mentioned those shiny little wrappers in his room he just shook his head. His thumb flicked the button of my pants open and I was quickly left exposed in front of him. I reached for his shirt and he gently swatted my hand away. His head dipped and I inhaled sharply. Soon my head was spinning from the sensations. My toes dug into his shoulders and I felt his hand slip over my mouth. I lay still and caught my breath.
"Wow," I said. "Thank you."
Felix laughed against my hip. "You're welcome."
I leaned up and looked at him. Was I supposed to return the favor? What was I supposed to do? Seventeen didn't prepare me for this moment.
"Um, do you want," I started and raised my eyebrows.
"You don't have to," he said. "I was just trying to help you forget things for a minute."
I could've left it like that. Just gotten dressed and made a snack, or called it a night. But curiosity got the better of me. I sat up and pulled his shirt over his head, then pulled it over mine. His eyes darkened.
"You look good in my shirts," he said quietly.
I smiled and then pressed my lips to his. He gripped my hips and pulled me onto his lap. He flinched when his back hit the cold wooden floor. I liked having him under me. I liked his hands moving from my thighs up to my ribs. I kissed his jaw once and then tried to hide the fact that my hands were shaking as I moved further down.
It was an odd thing, really. It made you wonder who ever thought of it. But I didn't hate it. It made me feel a little powerful. He was completely at my mercy and when his fingers gripped my hair and his body shook I couldn't help but feel some pride.
We took turns using the downstairs bathroom and I joined him in his office again. He had gotten a blanket from the closet and spread it in front of the fireplace. I left his shirt on and settled next to him. My fingers trailed down to his hips and I traced his scars. He tensed at first, but then relaxed.
"There's so many," I said quietly.
"I know."
"I don't want you to feel like that ever again."
He took a deep breath and kissed my hair. "Me either."
"You should be safe, always. You've been through too much. It's not fair. You're such an amazing guy. Despite everything that happened, all you lost, you're still funny and sweet and-"
"I love you."
My fingers froze on his hips. Slowly, I looked up at him. He looked terrified.
"What?" I wasn't sure I heard him right.
"There is no one in the world like you. Everything has been better since you got here, since you came into my life. You make chocolate taste better, you make the honeysuckle smell sweeter. You're everything. I love you."
I sat up so I could kiss him. His fingers were tight in my hair. When we parted, he still looked terrified.
"Do you love me more than cake?" I asked, my lips against his.
"I would give up all the cake in the world if I could have you forever."
"Forever is a long time."
"Not with you. It would never be long enough. And you're killing me here, Pippa. I've never said this to anyone before."
"Said what?" I smiled against his lips.
"I love you. I love you. I love you," he whispered.
"I love you, too."
His eyes fluttered in relief. Everything about him softened. "You do?"
"I've loved you since you swung those insanely long legs of yours out of that hearse the day I got here."
He smiled. "I lied. I did dream about you. Before you even got here. When I saw you, I just knew I'd love you. I didn't know how it would all work out, but I knew that it would."
I leaned in and kissed him. He pulled me as close as possible, his lips not leaving mine until the fire started to die. He threw a couple of fresh logs on and we settled back into the blanket. His fingers moved slowly up and down my back until my eyelids grew heavy.
The sun, bright and happy, woke me up. It was Thanksgiving. I could already catch smells coming from the kitchen. Felix must have gotten up before the sun rose. I got up and stretched. My back was sore from sleeping on the floor. I pulled my pants on and slowly cracked the door open. Felix looked over at me from the stove.
"No one's up yet," he said. What he meant was I had time to sneak upstairs and change without being busted by my parents.
I hurried down the hall and upstairs and as soon as I got to the landing, my parent's door opened. In wrinkled pants, messed up hair, and Felix's shirt I stared at my parent's stunned faces for a second. Then I walked into my room and shut the
door. My heart pounded, but I shook it off quickly. I couldn't get in trouble for this. I wasn't under their roof. I wasn't a child. There was no need to feel any kind of shame. I changed into green pants and a burnt auburn sweater, left my feet bare, and headed back downstairs. My mom was sitting at the table cutting onions, and my dad was out back sipping his morning black tea with milk and honey.
I walked over to Felix and kissed him firmly on his lips. I could feel my mom's eyes on us.
"Morning," I replied to his stunned face. "Need help?"
He nodded and gave me a list of things to do. Collect pinecones for the centerpiece, find candles for the table, peel potatoes, boil eggs, and check the turkey to see if it needed basting. I grabbed ingredients when he asked for them and stirred things when he needed them stirred. He kept me busy and I was thankful for that. My parents gave me space. They peeled whatever Felix put in front of them and talked to each other. Hours later when the candles were lit and the turkey was out of the oven, we all sat at the table.
"Everything looks wonderful," my mom said to Felix.
"Smells even better," I commented.
It was a Thanksgiving dinner that belonged on a magazine. Crispy-skinned turkey, piles of mashed potatoes and mashed sweet potatoes, stuffing, steamy corn on the cob, lightly buttered rolls, a thick, cheesy rice casserole, deviled eggs, and an apple pie all surrounded by candles, leaves, and pinecones.
"Very impressive," my dad said with a nod.
I looked at him and then my mom. Why were they being nice now?
"Well done, dude. This is amazing," Shazo applauded.
"Thank you, let's eat," Felix said. He had been practically drooling all day and was obviously anxious to fill his plate up at least twice.
We all dug in and the food was so good that there was no talking for ten whole minutes. When I came up for air and took a sip of water, I noticed my mom looking at me. I raised an eyebrow in question. She tilted her head in Felix's direction.
"He basically purrs while he eats," she said lightly.
I blinked. She was making a joke? After last night? I glanced at Felix. His eyes were half closed in bliss and he took another roll from the basket.
"So how did you boys end up here?" my dad asked.
Ah ha. There it was. They were feeling bad about last night, probably feeling sorry for me about college, and were now trying to apologize by being interested in this new life of mine.
Shazo and Felix exchanged a look. Shazo cleared his throat and took a swallow of his wine.
"Well, I've been here a few years longer than Felix. It was me and three other guys when I started. I had heard rumors of this place for a long time, and I actually came up here one day to just see what it was about. We all kind of hit it off, they had an opening, and here I am," Shazo said. "It's not an exciting story, really."
"And you've always seen...ghosts?" my dad asked.
Shazo nodded. "Ever since I can remember."
My dad looked satisfied and looked over at Felix. Felix looked at his plate for a count of ten.
"I've always seen them, too," he said.
"I see. And how did you end up here?" my dad prompted.
Felix fidgeted in his seat. "After my brother killed my parents and nineteen people at my school, I needed to start over. I met Shazo at the hospital, we talked, and things just worked out once we realized how much we had in common."
My mom's fork stopped midway to her mouth.
Felix frowned at the food that he just moments ago had been enjoying.
"Oh, my goodness! I'm so sorry. I think I remember that being on the news. That must've been really tough. Just awful," my mom said. She looked at me and there was a little understanding on her face.
"It was. It's better now," he said.
"I didn't realize so many people were able to see them since birth," my dad said.
"I read an article once that said all kids can see spirits up until about three years old, then they start to lose their sensitivity. Not all of them though," Shazo said.
"I wonder if I saw them," my dad said thoughtfully.
"Probably, dear," my mom said, probably just to make him feel better. My dad hated being left out.
"You guys have always lived in Colorado?" Shazo asked. I was grateful for the subject change and shot a glance at Felix. He was back to rummaging around on his plate.
"Oh, no. We both grew up ARMY brats. I went to three different high schools. We met when we were both in Europe after high school," my mom said.
"How'd you end up in Colorado?" Shazo asked. He looked genuinely interested. He hadn't spent a lot of time around my parents since they arrived.
"I got a good job there," my dad said. "It was only supposed to last two years, but we fell in love with the place and the company kept me on. Then Pippa came along and we just didn't want to move her around constantly and relive our childhood. We wanted something stable for our kids."
"That's nice," Shazo said. "I don't get to look around much when I'm out there. I'd like to tour around someday."
"Oh, it's got great bird watching and camping," my dad started.
The rest of dinner was full of somewhat comfortable small talk, but I knew a big college talk was coming. It was all over my mom's face. Once the table was cleared, I insisted on doing the dishes and shooed Felix out of the kitchen. I heard the TV come on a minute later.
"Need a dryer?" My mom stepped next to me with a dishtowel in hand. Most of the bowls and platters were too big for the dishwasher.
"Sure, thanks."
"The boy can cook," she commented. "I don't usually trust anyone else with the turkey, but I was impressed."
"Yeah, when he's not working he's eating."
"He should get a food truck or something," she suggested.
"I think he likes the work he already does."
She dried a plate until it squeaked. "Let's talk about last night."
I glanced at her.
"I'm sorry. Your father and I have just been so worried about you that I think we were looking for any reason to take you home with us on Saturday. You staying here and doing what you do in the forest isn't exactly what we envisioned your life to look like, you know? It's a hard pill to swallow. We thought you'd be home for good by New Years' and now you want to stay, what, another six months? A year?"
I didn't want to say 'I don't know' again, so I just washed another bowl.
"Talk to me about college. You didn't get in?"
"I didn't get in," I confirmed.
"That's why you came here?" she asked carefully.
"Mostly, yeah. I couldn't tell you guys that I didn't get in. It was so important to you both. I felt like such a failure. I just wanted to run away. I thought I could sulk here for a few months and try to figure something out."
"But you fell in love with the place," she said quietly.
"I know it sounds crazy. But I'm not the same person I was before my heart stopped. I'm not even the same person I was the first day I got here. Being out there, seeing those old tents, the bodies, finding the ghosts. Mom, I know you don't think it's important work, but I do. Just because they're dead, we shouldn't forget about them. How many people can say they help the dead cross over? There's nothing wrong with this job and I'm proud to have it," I said.
She was quiet for a second and put a plate away. When she faced me, she was smiling. "That's the Pippa I know."
"I don't know what to do."
"Oh, honey." She pulled me into a tight hug.
"I keep thinking I have all this time to figure it out, but I really only have three weeks. Then I'll be back home for Christmas and I'll have to know if I'm staying or coming back."
"Maybe some space will help. If you miss this place, maybe you should stay longer. If you don't, maybe you stay in Colorado and apply to the community college."
I pulled away and looked at her. "So me going to college is still your top priority."
"No," she said quickly. "Listen to me. No. Your fat
her and I were up for hours last night talking about this. Your happiness is our top priority. But a college education can be a good idea, especially if you don't know what you want to do. What can a few classes hurt while you figure things out? Just think about it, okay? We won't pressure you, I promise. We're both so sorry for how we've been acting. We have your back, Pippa. Whatever you want to do, we have your back."
I sighed with huge relief and wiped a tear away, and pulled her back into a hug.
"Thanks, Mom," I said into her hair.
THIRTY
Saturday morning I fought back tears as I dropped my parents off at the airport. There were lots of hugs and pictures and promises to call when they landed. I would miss them like crazy.
"See you in three weeks," my dad called as he took his shoes off to go through security. I watched them go through the line and up the stairs and when I couldn't see them anymore, I left. When I got back to the house, Felix was on the front steps waiting for me.
"You alright?" he asked.
"Yeah." I sighed and sat next to him. "It was sad, but I'll see them soon."
"Can we talk?" he asked quietly.
My stomach fluttered. "Sure, yeah."
He faced me and pulled me into a hug. The sun was warm on my skin and the wind was quiet through the trees.
"I love you," he said, "but I don't want you to stay for me or for us."
I gave him a confused look.
"I overheard you talking to your mom. I don't want this thing with me to be why you stay. You can't stay unless you're staying for the forest and the people in it. They're more important. They need your full attention when you're in there and if you're unhappy and always thinking about home, then-"
"I know," I interrupted. "I have three weeks to make the biggest decision of my life thus far."
He didn't say anything; he just squeezed me a little tighter.
*
Over the next couple of weeks, I found myself out in the forest more than usual. I helped eight ghosts cross over. The holidays were hard, Shazo reminded me, and people couldn't always handle them. I split my time out there between Shazo and Felix, soaking up every moment of the forest and them that I could. Every night, I was in Felix's bed. Sometimes we fooled around, but we also talked a lot. We got up early and went to sleep late, but I didn't care. The crisp air put new life in me and I didn't notice the sleep deprivation. I'd sleep once I was back in Colorado.
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