Christmas at Frozen Falls

by Kiley Dunbar

  ‘Couldn’t you have talked to me about it? Let me decide what was best for me?’

  ‘No. You’d have begged me to stay, and I would have. And eventually you’d have resented me forever.’ I see him hesitate, before adding guiltily, ‘The way Mum resented my father.’ He looks down at our still clasped hands. ‘I called Dad that night and we spoke about it, and he said he’d pay for a flight the next morning if I could just get to the airport. So I did.’

  This is when he loosens his grip on my fingers and his hands fall to his sides.

  ‘But you missed your exams,’ I say.

  ‘I sat them here instead – and totally failed them, by the way. I wasn’t the only one not studying.’ He smiles wryly, but it quickly fades. ‘I spent all that winter doing resits. I always planned to go back to England to see you in the summer. I hoped you’d have forgiven me by then. But then Dad had the stroke that February and that was the end of all my plans. But I didn’t simply forget about you. I found you online a few years later and it said you were teaching… and you were engaged, so then I knew, or I thought I knew, I’d done the right thing.’

  Stellan’s looking at me with pleading earnestness and I’m trying to process all these feelings. I’m not angry, exactly. I’m shocked, a little indignant that he thought he knew what was best for me, and I’m embarrassed too. He’s basically just confirmed my worst fears; that he ran off because I was too full on. I pushed him away because I didn’t know how to just enjoy him and still be myself. I was too young to handle it.

  Looking down at Toivo playing by my side – I can’t face Stellan – I say, ‘You’re right, I was besotted with you. When you came on the scene I wasn’t thinking about the future or anything else. I just wanted to be with you. Nothing else seemed to matter.’

  ‘But you were happy, right? Afterwards, I mean? Don’t you think it’s wonderful that you’re successful in your profession? You made that happen by yourself. Nobody handed you a readymade career. I made the right decision to get out of your way, didn’t I? In spite of Cole?’

  I look at him and try to speak but instead I mouth exasperated half words. His look of pride and pain physically hurts me. ‘Yes,’ I manage. Even though I don’t quite believe it. He winces noticeably. He doesn’t believe me either. Pulling Toivo onto his lap, he delicately scrunches his fingers on the pup’s ears.

  ‘I really thought it was for the best, for you.’

  I want to save him from the feelings that seem to be shutting down our connection when it was only just getting started again. He’s noticeably shrinking away from me.

  ‘Maybe it was for the best… in the long run,’ I say, hurriedly. ‘I did stop studying and I’d probably have had to retake the entire year if you’d stayed at uni for the last few weeks of that semester. And we did spend all our time making out and never revising.’ It’s all beginning to make sense, I realise. ‘And I guess I even stopped seeing all my uni friends and, to me, that’s much worse than skipping some, OK, lots of, lectures and flunking some tests. After you left, I tried to get back into the little gang I’d been in since first year in halls, but I’d excluded myself for so long, they’d all moved on. It was too late to catch up, and they never really trusted me after that.’

  It stings a bit to think of them again after all this time; we were such a close little gang before Stellan arrived, but they probably thought I’d ditch them again as soon as another fit bloke came along. I hadn’t given them a second thought at the time, and now I don’t even remember all of their names.

  And suddenly my mind flits to Nari and how we’d met that Christmas in the uni canteen at the painfully naff students’ Christmas lunch, and we’d got chatting – about Stellan and my broken heart, as it happens – and pretty much that day we became firm friends. I’d got back on track with my studies by the time I met Nari; studying was as good a way as any to distract myself from the pain. I aced the resits and got my first ‘A’s on my essays that January, but I’d cried myself to sleep every night for weeks.

  Nari and I moved into our own flat together in Castlewych after graduation, and my parents pretty much adopted her as one of their own. We had a blast all through my teacher training and while she set up her blogging career. None of that would have happened if I’d stayed cosseted away in the love bubble with Stellan.

  And eventually along came Cole. He’d never have happened if Stellan had stuck around. I’m glad I knew him, even after all the trouble he caused me at the end, but I think I’m making peace with it all now – apart from Barney, of course. We really did have some good times in the beginning, and it was exciting moving in with him and finding my feet as a bona fide grown up. And, God knows, Cole taught me a few things about settling for something that isn’t quite love in all its dazzling, terrifying brilliance, so it wasn’t all a complete waste. I can see that now.

  ‘Am I going to regret what I did to you for my entire life?’ Stellan asks.

  ‘No. Don’t. I don’t want you to. You were probably right to step back. But, Stellan, you should have talked to me.’

  He nods. ‘I’m sorry. Talking was never my strong point.’

  He looks so forlorn, even with Toivo climbing his chest and putting tiny paws on his face, nudging his nose with his. I smile in spite of myself. Why are we doing this to each other? Another thing that the break-up with Cole has taught me is that it’s never a good idea to dwell too much on things that can’t be changed.

  ‘Look, let’s forget about it. Its ancient history,’ I say, standing up and balling my hands into fists on my hips. ‘Listen up, Stellan Virtanen, it’s Christmas Eve, you’ve taken your second day off work this millennia, and I damn well want to celebrate.’ As I speak, my fake resolve and jollity begin to take on a more authentic hue, and I see Stellan’s eyes brighten as he looks up at me. ‘So what say we down this bubbly and decorate this tree?’

  And that’s what we do, and it’s fun, actually. No, better than fun; it’s perfect.

  I make a real show of finding it difficult to balance on the coffee table edge to reach the tallest branches so Stellan has to hold my hips to steady me and he lets his fingertips slide up over my waistband until they press against my skin, and then I really do feel unsteady on my feet.

  ‘We don’t want any Christmas emergencies,’ he says, holding me firmly. ‘The nearest hospital’s an hour away by helicopter and in this snow they wouldn’t be able to rescue you. I’d have to take you all the way there on the back of a reindeer.’

  And so we manage to laugh after the tension, and I turn to admiring the cute, rustic-looking decorations, and Toivo gets hopelessly tangled in the string of white fairy lights, nearly managing to pull the whole tree over in his tumbling, bounding panic to escape.

  When we are nearly done, Stellan puts the straw star on the highest branch and the whole scene inside the cabin begins to resemble the kitschy picture on a tin of Christmas biscuits. Just as I’m telling Stellan this, he reaches into the basket that had held the decorations and pulls out one last item, not a bauble at all, but a large jar with a handwritten label attached to a ribbon tied around its lid.

  ‘What’s that?’ I ask, as he helps me down from my ledge on the coffee table and places the jar in my hands.

  ‘This is cookie mixture. Frozen Falls’ little surprise for our guests. Want to bake some cookies?’

  I screw up my nose. ‘I want to eat some cookies.’

  Stellan laughs and takes the jar from me.

  ‘How long will it take?’ I say as I hop up onto the kitchen counter top, watching him rolling up his sleeves.

  ‘Not long, and we have the whole evening ahead to just enjoy each other’s company, really chilled, yes?’

  I find myself blushing at this, but as I watch him setting to work with eggs cracking and wooden spoon stirring, I wonder how such innocuous words can sound so full of promise.

  Soon, the little chocolate chip speckled blobs are lined up on a tray and heading into the oven. The snow is fa
lling outside the window and I’m beginning to realise it’s probably been completely dark out there for hours already; I haven’t been paying any attention to the world outside.

  Our plates are discarded by the fireside. We’d made short work of the cheese and bread, and drank all the champagne. Little Toivo is basking in the warmth from the hearth as he lies fast asleep, curled up beneath the branches of our twinkling tree.

  ‘Ten minutes and they’ll be ready,’ Stellan says, turning away from the oven and looking across at me. ‘What shall we do while we wait?’

  I lose no time in telling him I have a good idea as I lower myself down from the counter, place my hands on his chest and slowly walk him backwards until he’s pinned and grinning against the refrigerator door.

  ‘My hands are covered in cookie mixture,’ he protests, all the while looking at my mouth.

  I raise myself up onto tiptoes, leaning my weight against him, and he lowers his lips to mine.

  We kiss away the shortest ten minutes in the history of the world, and all the time Stellan’s hands hang helplessly by his sides.

  Chapter Eighteen

  The bar is a dive, but Nari had asked to see the Saariselkä nightlife and at only three-thirty in the afternoon there was little else open. It is, of course, already dark outside and they are the only customers in the Shamrocks in the Snow beer shack. Nari takes her seat at the bar and peers at the drinks menu under the harsh spotlights.

  ‘I guess it’s Guinness and peanuts?’ she says with an amused shrug.

  Niilo reminds her he’s the designated driver on their date and asks instead for water. The look on Nari’s face gives him a drowning feeling, but wanting to reassure her they’ll have fun tonight, he searches for something to say.

  ‘You looked busy when I called for you at the resort. Have you been working all day?’ he asks eventually.

  ‘Uh-huh. I edited some of my photos and posted a couple more blog posts. What about you? Did the reindeer safaris go OK?’

  ‘Yes, thank you.’

  Niilo can’t understand why he’s finding communicating with Nari so difficult today when the words and laughter had flowed so readily the day before. It had been easier with Stellan and Sylvie there, somehow. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d been alone like this with someone, or when he’d last felt this awkward. He’s relieved to see the barman approach, surprised to find customers in his empty pub and offering his apologies.

  Nari can’t guess at the nerves and tension wracking Niilo as she orders their drinks. The barman works the beer tap and Nari turns to Niilo with a placid smile. ‘Is this what you do for fun, then?’

  ‘What? This? No.’ Niilo laughs. ‘I don’t really come to bars. You could say my work is also my hobby. I look after the herd, see to the tourists, grab a sauna, drink beers with Stellan, then I sleep.’

  ‘And that’s it? Your routine? Your life?’

  A panic that feels like heat building in his chest grips Niilo.

  ‘I work hard, I try to lighten Stellan’s burden, I try to keep my mind occupied. There’s little else to tell about myself. My life’s nothing like your world full of adventure and new experiences.’ Realising there is one more thing he could divulge, Niilo suddenly smiles. ‘I write songs too,’ he offers with sudden shyness.

  ‘You’re a musician, I knew it! I could tell. What sort of songs do you write?’

  ‘Joik, mainly.’

  ‘Joiks? I read about those researching this trip. Traditional songs. Sámi songs, right?’

  ‘Yeah. I like to adapt old tunes and I write my own lyrics. Each joik tells the story of something’s spirit, or someone’s.’

  ‘I’d love to hear one.’

  ‘I’d love to sing you one.’

  A moment’s silence follows as Nari shifts expectantly in her chair, turning her body fully towards her companion.

  ‘What? You want me to sing now? Oh no, I’d have to prepare first.’

  ‘Oh, OK,’ she says, flustered.

  Their drinks arrive, bringing a moment of much-needed respite, and Nari immediately takes a long draught of her Guinness. As he sips his water, Niilo succumbs again to the creeping despair. This date is not off to a good start.

  ‘How do you think the others are getting on?’ Nari asks, dabbing her mouth with a napkin.

  ‘Stellan and Sylvie? I think they’ll be enjoying themselves. He was so excited about seeing her this morning. I really shouldn’t say this, but I called in at his cabin for breakfast and he spent a lot of time in front of his mirror scrunching stuff in his hair.’

  Nari grins, bringing her hands together in an excited clap. ‘I sent Sylvie off wearing my red lipstick. She looked so cute! Oh, I hope they like each other again.’

  ‘I know Stellan has suffered without her.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  Worried he’s said too much, Niilo attempts to shrug away the question, but seeing the curiosity on Nari’s face, he relents.

  ‘I remember what he was like when I first met him, constantly nursing a dark heart. In those days we used to drive the tourists back to the airport ourselves in the transfer coaches. One time he told me he had to fight with himself to resist the urge to just jump on the Manchester flight.’

  ‘But he never did.’

  ‘No. He threw himself into working here. We both did. Nari, please don’t tell anyone this. I gave Stellan my word I wouldn’t speak of it. I don’t usually break my promises.’

  ‘Sylvie’s my best friend. I tell her everything. Don’t you think she deserves to know this? She really liked Stellan, and I think she likes him now.’

  ‘He must be the one to tell her, if he still feels this way.’

  Deep in thought, Nari nods. She’d seen her friend devastated by Cole, the last thing she wanted to do was encourage Sylvie to think Stellan was still interested in her, only for him to be cold and distant, like she’d seen him yesterday.

  ‘You’re right, I don’t want her getting her hopes up. Besides we’re leaving in two days.’

  Hurriedly reaching for their drinks, a little frisson of tension passes between the two again. As she sips, Nari thinks about her flight to Manchester on Boxing Day, and her date with Stephen at New Year. Her thoughts lead to sudden strained, panicked feelings that she can’t account for, and she grasps for a new subject.

  ‘Did you ever want to just hop on a plane and get away? What’s stopping you and Stellan doing a lads’ tour of Europe?’

  ‘Lads?’ Niilo laughs, thinking this a strange term. ‘No, we’re working men. We work.’ He shrugs as though this explained everything.

  ‘And I’m a working woman. But I make time for myself too, and I want to see every inch of the planet before I die. I’ve got big plans.’

  Niilo nods encouragingly, hoping to deflect what he assumed was Nari’s disappointment in his slow, settled life. ‘Tell me about what you do back home.’

  ‘Well… I read, I cook, I watch Netflix with Sylvie, and I take her to cocktail bars. What else do we do? When I’m not travelling, we go to her parents’ house for Sunday lunch and we take it in turns to make dessert, it’s a sort of cooking contest. I’m the reigning pudding-making champion, you can’t beat my chocolate and walnut brownies – so that’s a whole thing we do.’

  ‘Sounds good.’ Niilo leans his elbow on the bar, his cheek resting on his fist.

  ‘You want me to go on? Umm… I like going to spa hotels. They’re the best kind of working holiday, actually. For a start, they’re usually freebies, and I get a good night’s sleep, have lots of luscious treatments, eat beautiful food, then I write it all up and post it to my blog. Sometimes I take Sylvie with me, if they’re in England, that is.’

  ‘You two are good friends.’

  ‘The best. Like you and Stellan. I see how you two are with each other. It’s adorable.’

  Niilo laughs. ‘He’s a stubborn ass, but I love him, yes. He’s all my family now.’ Seeing Nari’s expression change to one of sym
pathy, Niilo inwardly scolds himself for bringing the atmosphere down, just as it had been picking up.

  ‘What happened?’ she asks, putting her drink on the bar.

  Reluctantly at first, and after clearing his throat, stalling for time, Niilo answers. ‘Nothing dramatic. My parents were both what you might call elderly for working people. Their time came. Father first, when I was sixteen, and then my mother when I was twenty. And that was it. If my love for them had been enough to keep them alive, they’d never have died. But nature does its work, when it is time.’

  ‘Doesn’t it just,’ Nari exclaims in response, leaning closer to Niilo. ‘I lost my dad when I was twenty-one. God, I was devastated. I’d just graduated from uni, and me and Sylvie had moved in together in a place called Castlewych. I still live there, actually. It’s lovely, close enough to Manchester for the clubs, but quiet enough to feel cosy. Anyway, Mum was miserable without Dad and she started longing to be with her parents in Seoul. She just didn’t want to stay there any more. She wanted me to go with her, but I had a life of my own by then.’

  ‘You were born in Manchester?’

  ‘Oh no, after years of living out of suitcases, Mum, Dad and me moved to England when I was little. Dad worked for a tech firm that was based in Manchester. Eventually that’s where we settled, and I met Sylvie at Manchester uni.’

  ‘You must miss your mother?’

  ‘Uh-huh, but I visit her every spring. She lives with my grandmother now – the FaceTime queen! Every Saturday without fail, there’s Grandma, asking if I’m eating properly and whether I’ve got a boyfriend yet.’

  The ripples of gentle laughter warmed them both. This felt better, thought Niilo. The frayed threads of the grief that made up the fabric of their separate lives seemed to be somehow entwining and binding them together.

  Out of this new atmosphere came talk of Nari’s plans for the coming year. Niilo listened as she described spring in Seoul, then summer in the Hebrides, Paris and Mombasa, before an autumn journey on the Trans Siberian Express from Moscow to St Petersburg. All the while her eyes sparkled and she gazed somewhere beyond him into her imagination, into her future. Suddenly, she snapped out of her daze. ‘And you? Where are you heading off to?’