Crossing the Mirage Passing through Youth

by welcome

  or the fleshy kind. And selling lingerie on a pavement amounts to streetwalking for

  soliciting, and to the same affect, isn't it? Well, it has to be a mall to lend class to the maal.

  But, in Bombay, as he could see, there was a via media in the kiosk, which had an aura of

  its own to entice the classes when it came to the phoren maal. Thinking that he zeroed in on

  the USP for success, he searched for access to the recess of the charmed wares.

  When he broached the topic with Ashok, in whose father"s garment factory he once

  worked as a salesman, the latter thought it was an idea. Ashok contended that the

  homespun hosiery was devoid of design to impart class to attract the classes. Thanks to the

  Nehruvian legacy of the socialistic pattern of growth, the society was bred on „equality of

  inequality" and the bazaar became bereft of quality. All those imposts on imports meant to

  protect the swadeshi stuff gave cause for the callous industrial culture. All this induced

  mediocrity in the market and that deprived goodies of quality to the doomed citizens of our

  socialist state. However, in time, as human proclivity tends to gravitate towards the good

  things of life, market forces opened up smuggled routes to provide the alluring to the

  affording.

  Soon enough, Rashid found the ropes to the supply lines to the designer lingerie. But, to

  get started, he needed a kiosk on the vaunted pavements near Flora Fountain. At length, his

  wanting led him to Abdul, the maalik of a kiosk at a vantage junction. As Abdul had

  developed visions of greener pastures in the sands of Arabia, he set his heart on a visa to

  Mecca. Sensing the opportunity in the making, Rashid laid seize on Abdul"s kiosk. What

  with the deal struck, thanks to his friend"s last-minute slip, Rashid got stuck.

  Thus for the fortuitous turn Chandra"s coming gave his life, Rashid was never tired of

  recounting how he filled the void to get the business started.

  With the change of inventory, what with the zooming sales, the spirits of the desperate

  duo soared. While the sense of achievement infused confidence in them both, the exposure

  to the alluring trade helped Chandra cross the threshold of inhibitions. Besides, the crowd

  behavior in Bombay helped him as well. It was as if the ethos of the place shaped the mood

  of its people. In the grow-rich climes of Bombay, it was as if its men and women both wore

  blinkers for material focus. Thus, with their mind on the moolah, Bombay"s maidens

  seemed to have their eye on their suitors" bank balances. It seemed an irony to him that

  young girls should turn a blind eye to the proclivities of boys that buttress their sexuality.

  Oh, how the dames, while denying themselves the small pleasures of life, deprived the

  males the same of it!

  Thus, to his utter relief, Chandra saw there was no premium on the looks that he lacked

  in the make-believe world of Bombay. And that enabled him to overcome his obsession

  about his ugliness. But the pain of rejection that became part of his subconscious came to

  the fore whenever he delved into his past. Besides, the news from home always put a

  damper. His sister"s letters carried the full load of his father"s hurt and his mother"s pain for

  what he had done. Whatever, as he had no heart to go back to them, he preferred to

  stomach the pain of guilt.

  Finding Chandra morose at times, once Rashid proposed a trip to a brothel for release.

  But, having all along lived on a diet of rejection, Chandra wouldn"t envisage the welcome

  in the red-light. However, as Rashid made him privy to the practices of paid sex, he finally

  got inclined to venture. Overcoming his self-doubts, in Rashid"s company, Chandra headed

  towards Kamathipura.

  “Your wife would adore you,” said the girl he had sex with.

  “Why so?” asked Chandra tentatively.

  “You"ve the means to madden women,” she tapped him meaningfully.

  “Thank you,” he hugged her, “you"re the first to compliment me.”

  “I bet,” she said, winking at him, “I won"t be the last.”

  “I"ll cherish your praise all my life.”

  “I too won"t forget your fury in a hurry,” she said, squeezing him that made him groan.

  As the madam called time, they stepped out of the cubicle in time.

  Finding Rashid waiting for him in the lounge, Chandra felt vindicated. On their way

  back home, however, his self-doubts resurfaced.

  „Maybe, it"s a ruse to make men come back to her," he thought. „Anyway, what a thrill it

  is having a woman!"

  While his sullen sexuality got a booster dose from her, his entrenched sense of rejection

  spoiled his rejoice. So, as a way out of his dilemma, he opted for a second opinion.

  “You"re the prescription for woman"s nymphomania,” said the girl in awe.

  As the third one was eloquent too, in time, he came to frequent brothels more for

  deriving pleasure than to prove his prowess. Thus, while his conviction about his virility

  gave hope for the future, fate, however, contrived a weird course to chart his time with

  women.

  Respite by Death

  That mid-summer noon, cramped up in a general bogie of that Deccan-bound train,

  Chandra developed a cold sweat.

  „Oh God, what if Rashid"s lightning call didn"t come through?" he thought anxiously.

  „Well, what else could"ve I done, as there was hardly any time left to catch the train. How I

  wanted to talk to her myself though Rashid felt it made sense for me to leave without

  losing time. Didn"t he swear that he would alert my parents to avert the disaster? How am I

  to know now what came of it later?"

  As though to have a clue to the vexatious issue, he pulled out his sister"s letter from his

  shirt pocket, and began to read again.

  Oh, my Chand,

  I"m sorry, for my decision will upset all of you. But I think I can"t help it. I can"t

  carry on any longer, even for the sake of our mother.

  Now it"s all so clear. It"s going to be a solitary confinement for me in the voidness

  of life, for the rest of my life. I know that it is partly of my own making for I failed

  to take advantage of my chances and thus missed out on life. Oh, why did I fail to

  appreciate my own limitations to mess up my life? No denying, though our father

  wishes me well (and you well) his prejudices played no small part in my downfall.

  Whatever it is, my life itself had become unrealistic for me.

  Let me tell you, I"m just dissipated. I"ve even lost my ability to hope. Without a

  past fulfillment for a memory and with no hope to nurse now, I"ve no appetite for

  life, which has become torturous to say the least. Moreover, I've even lost patience

  with myself, well; I"m not old enough to imbibe the philosophy of resignation to

  be able to carry on in this vein. So I"ve resolved to put an end to it all, to be

  merciful to myself even at the risk of causing pain to others. I know time heals;

  won"t it dry your welling eyes and balm your emotional wounds in its own way?

  And that gives me heart to hurt you all.

  I"m glad you"ve ventured into life to help yourself. It"s a great satisfaction that I

  could contribute to make some difference to your life. As I"m going to become the

  past, I wish you a fulfilling future. I know there is nothing in my life to inspire

  you, but there"s a lot that can caution you. If you can b
enefit from that, I shall

  rejoice from up above in spite of everything.

  I would be timing my end so that you can reach in time to shed a tear or two over

  my body before the need for its disposal is felt by the living.

  With sisterly love,

  Vasavi.

  Even as Chandra finished reading, he was again all in tears.

  “You"ve dropped your ticket,” the man opposite said, handing it back to Chandra.

  “Thanks,” Chandra muttered

  “You seem troubled,” the man seemed concerned.

  Chandra nodded for 'yes' as he found him sympathetic.

  “What"s the matter?”

  “Well, it might take a lifetime to narrate,” Chandra said philosophically, “and two to

  grasp it.”

  “I hope all ends well,” said the other before withdrawing.

  “Thank you,” said Chandra before wondering within. “Did Rashid"s call materialize in

  time? Wouldn"t she have timed it all wrong to be pulled back from the brink? Won"t I take

  her along with me now? Won"t Bombay change her to cheer up?”

  As his hopes rose, he felt excited.

  However, a little later, as the train stopped in some wilderness, he peered out in

  irritation. In despair, he tried to visualize the void she would leave in their life if she were

  dead. When the train stood rooted for long, Chandra became restless all again. Meanwhile,

  those around the exits stepped down to loosen their limbs. And to ascertain the cause of the

  hold-up, the curious in the compartments too followed suit.

  “It seems there was a derailment,” announced someone who gathered the news from

  the guard.

  “Oh, God,” sighed a lady in Chandra"s compartment, „then it would take a couple of

  hours, at the least."

  Hearing her, Chandra was crestfallen as if he was woken up to a new reality.

  „Does it portend disaster?" Chandra couldn"t help but think in exasperation. „Oh, how

  frustrating is this! She could"ve been really desperate to resort to suicide, wouldn"t she?"

  „Is it courage or cowardice that drives people to end their lives?" he thought. „Would

  have her courage deserted her at the brink? Maybe her cowardice could've pulled her back

  from the precipice. Well, can cowards commit suicide, as it requires a great deal of courage

  to end it all, once and for all? Isn"t life dear to one and all? If so, doesn"t it require courage

  to die? And courage to die is all too different from that required to carry on living against

  odds. Well, only those who lack the courage to change their lot and unable to cower in the

  face of death resort to suicide, so it seems."

  While Chandra was lost in thought, nature ran its routine course. It was sunset by the

  time he came out of his reverie and the train didn"t yet receive the green signal to resume

  its eastward course. At length though, signaling motion, the driver honked the horn and

  that was music to Chandra"s weary soul. For its part, the power jolted the bogies as though

  to rid them of their inertia.

  Well, as the lethargy on the train gave room to relief in the compartments, after what

  seemed an eternity, time too was on the move for the stranded passengers. But, fearing that

  he could be late by a lifetime, Chandra was in distress, and as if to soothe his ruffled spirit,

  fatigue tended him to sleep in a sedentary position. All that night, as his sleepy head sought

  their shoulders, the men on either side of him put it into oscillation in irritation.

  Nevertheless, Chandra was steadfast in keeping his course with slumber.

  At dawn, to the welcoming chants of chaai garam, the train stopped at an obscure station.

  By then, the men on either side of him were craving for a cupful or two of the steamy thing.

  And they, rather rudely, woke him up for the fear of his oscillating head unsettling the tea

  cups to soil their dresses. Seemingly, their rudeness in no small measure stemmed from

  their instinct to settle scores for their sore shoulders.

  While the aroma of the chaai tickled his senses too, Chandra realized that he had eaten

  nothing since he received the letter the previous day. As if the realization itself had affected

  him, he suddenly felt giddy. Three hot cups of tea, though, seemed to calm him a little. But,

  as he returned to reviewing his situation, the exhaustion of his imagination benumbed him.

  Finally, unable to contemplate, he sat like the Buddha in nirvana for the remainder of the

  journey.

  When, at last, the train reached the Nampally Station, he stepped out into the sweltering

  heat of the mid-summer noon. Hastening out, as he dumped himself into an auto rickshaw,

  he realized he had no luggage on him.

  „It"s as if time froze the moment I received her letter," he thought, waiting for the auto to

  gear up. „I was lucky to reach VT in the nick of time. But am I in time now?"

  Soon the auto driver maneuvered his way out of the surging crowd to head towards

  Pearl House.

  When Chandra sighted his home, he thought about his parents" predicament in case

  Vasavi had taken the plunge. Meanwhile, having readied the fare, he signaled slowdown as

  the auto approached the gates. Wanting the auto be stopped at the imposing gates,

  Chandra thrust some currency in the driver"s hand. Jumping out of the auto as Chandra ran

  towards the gate, the driver hailed to him to take the change. Unmindful of it, Chandra

  pushed open the iron gates, and finding the main door ajar, he ran into their house.

  Coming face to face with, what appeared to be the normal ambiance of their home, he

  was tempted to feel he came in time, and thus sighed in relief. But, finding none, he felt

  sapped and sank into a sofa.

  „Did it all go wrong then?" he thought. „Oh, they didn"t even lock the house!"

  “Chotebabu, nice you've come,” said the housemaid who came in sobbing, “they are all

  waiting for you at the OGH.”

  “How"s Vasavi?” he managed to mutter.

  „They"re trying to save her there," she said amidst sobs. „When your friend rang up, we

  found her unconscious and moved her there. Had he not alerted us, there would have been

  no chance. God bless him."

  Like a corpse on the move, he accompanied her to the casualty of the Osmania General

  Hospital, but finding none from the clan there, he made enquiries with a nurse on duty.

  “Poor thing,” the nurse sounded sympathetic, “she took so much pesticide, enough for

  a couple of cotton crops.”

  “Can"t she be saved?” asked Chandra impatiently.

  “Sadly,” said the sister crossing herself, “she"s no more.”

  “Oh, my God!”

  Distraught, he reached the mortuary to join his disjointed parents and others, who had

  gathered there to lament over the happening. On seeing him, his mother became all the

  more inconsolable.

  “See how she hurt herself and us too,” she cried, clutching at him for support. „Now I

  am condemned to live in guilt all my life. I wish God would take me away too without

  delay."

  “What an irony!” said Yadagiri, with welled up eyes. “She helped you desert us then

  and caused your return now.”

  In the profusion of tears that rolled down Yadagiri"s cheeks, Chandra could discern a

  few that owed their emotion to the return of the prodigal.

  “I"m sorry for whatever happened,” Chandra mumbled, going
up to his father. “I will

  not hurt you again.”

  “In a way, it"s of my own making,” responded Yadagiri with empathy. “Why blame

  yourself for that?”

  Choked with emotion, Chandra couldn"t utter a word more.

  When the body was brought after the post-mortem, wiping his unceasing tears to clear

  his vision, Chandra stared at it endearingly before he fell on it unconsciously. And that set

  his parents shaking with grief and the rest sighing in pity even as the nurses shifted him to

  the ICU. While Anasuya cried no end, Yadagiri, too shocked to react, sank onto his knees.

  However, as it became clear that Chandra was physically exhausted and mentally

  weary, the doctor declared that there was no cause for worry. While Chandra was being

  drip-fed for his recovery, it was felt prudent that he be spared the sight of his sister"s

  cremation. Thus, in a way that reflected the reality of life and death, Vasavi"s body was

  ritualistically consigned to the flames even as her brother"s was religiously nursed back to

  normality.

  After the obsequies, that custom ordained, the near and dear stayed back to share the

  Yadagiris" grief.

  “Praise be to her,” an elderly woman addressed Yadagiri, “the dear one didn"t disgrace

  the family like those who elope in her situation. And to be fair to her soul, you should own

  up your fault for having been needlessly biased towards every match that was suggested.”

  “It"s no time for fault finding,” said Anasuya. “It"s her fate that overpowered her life.”

  “If only she were after you,” retorted the old soul, “her fate would"ve been different.”

  “That"s true,” concurred a deserted woman, “fair skins have an unfair edge.”

  “None seems to realize how hard all this is on Yadagiri,” said one, who all along had

  had a crush on Anasuya. “He must be cursing that his children haven"t taken after his

  wife.”

  Chandra, who heard it all, felt disturbed.

  „What if, like me, my kids too are born ugly?" he thought in distress. „It"s clear that even

  having a beautiful wife is no guarantee to beget attractive children. Isn"t it likely that

  history may repeat itself to perpetuate ugliness in the family? I better think how to avert the

  calamity."

  When, came the time to serve the grand meal and with the relatives having left