by Sara Daniell
“Like I said, ignore him. He’s harmless. So, about the party he invited you to… I think you should come. I know you told me you don’t really care about making friends here, but I think this whole school experience is going to be a huge suckfest if you don’t at least have a couple here. Come on, please?” She stuck out her bottom lip, and I hated to admit it, but it was kind of working.
“I’ll ask my dad, but I make no promises.” I wasn’t really going to ask my dad, but it seemed like a good enough excuse when he’d say ‘no’.
“Awesome! That’s better than a no!”
We went our separate ways.
WHEN I GOT HOME after school, I parked behind Nancy’s car. Dad wouldn’t be home until later that week. He was gone on a last minute business trip. I went inside and saw Nancy staring at a blank TV. It looked like she had been sitting there a while.
“Nancy?”
When she turned to look at me, she had a glaze over her eyes. She almost reminded me of a rabid dog. I had never seen her like this before. I didn’t feel comfortable going any farther into the house, so I started to make my way back out the door.
Before I could, Nancy was grabbing my backpack and whipping me around. She shoved my chest hard, and thankfully, my backpack took most of the blow against the door.
I shielded my face with my arm when her fist came flying toward my face. My forearm took the impact, and I grunted in pain. She came at me again, and I screamed and used my free hand to try to open the door. I was in such a panic that I couldn’t get my hand to work right.
“Stop!” I screamed some more. “What is your problem?” I yelled as she started hitting at me again.
She finally stopped and backed away. She leaned heavily against the bar and narrowed her crazed eyes at me.
My heart was racing, and tears I didn’t realize were falling coated my cheeks.
“I’m not the only one living in this house!” she screamed.
I was so confused. “What? I know. What are you talking about?” I couldn’t help but yell at her. She was freaking me the hell out.
“The dishes, the bathroom, your room! Elena this, Elena that! I’m sick of it! Your dad is so concerned about you and your well-being, but what about me?”
“Nancy, you’re not making sense. If I need to do—”
“Shut up, you little brat!”
This was a side of her that I had never expected. Nancy was usually sweet. I mean, she and Dad would fight, but it seemed normal. Seeing her like this reminded me of the time Katie accidentally smoked weed that was laced with crack. She went into freak-out mode and was yelling at everybody. Same look in her eyes.
“Are you on something?” I asked, trying to remain calm.
She came at me again, swinging and cursing loudly. I finally got the knob to turn and hurried out of the house and into my car. I locked my doors and cranked my car. I drove off and immediately dialed Dad’s number.
“Hey, you make it home yet?”
I started crying. “Dad, something’s up with your wife! She just went crazy on me for no reason! She started hitting me and—”
“What?” he asked, confused.
“She was yelling at me about cleaning and about how you’re only concerned about me and not her. I don’t know what was going on!”
“Elena, calm down. That doesn’t sound like Nancy. Are you sure you’re not exaggerating?”
“Dad!” I yelled in shock. Why would he say that?
“Elena, I know how you can be. I’ll call her. Just calm down.”
“How I can be? Are you kidding me right now?”
He hung up on me. He really hung up on me. I stared at my phone in shock then cursed when I realized my car was in the wrong lane. I dropped my phone in my lap, placing both hands on the steering wheel, and moved back to the right side of the road. My heart was racing, and tears poured down my face. Thankfully, I was the only one on the highway right now, or I would have probably hit someone.
I didn’t know where I was driving. I should call Channing, but then he’d see me upset. He needed me happy even if he didn’t say it out loud. I couldn’t imagine how exhausting it would be to have a girlfriend with constant issues.
I drove toward his house and decided that I’d just get my shit together by the time I got there. He didn’t need me to notify him I was coming. He’d just be happy to see me. I drove faster, listening to the most upbeat music I could find on the radio.
I pulled into Channing’s driveway and parked next to his truck. I pulled down the mirror to look at myself. I was a mess. I pulled my powder from my purse and tried my hardest to make myself look better. Ah, hell. Who was I kidding? Channing would see right through the makeup.
I turned the car off and got out. I knocked on his door and waited. I looked over my shoulder and noticed it was just his truck here. Instead of waiting any longer, I just let myself in. I could hear the squeak of bolts and heavy breathing coming from his room down the hall. I had the most sickening feeling brewing in my stomach. When the labored breaths got louder the more I inched down the hall and a moan escaped from not just Channing but a female, my breath caught in my throat, and I froze. It would take an idiot not to figure out what was going on behind his door.
My heart stopped and fell to my feet. I swear it did. I couldn’t get myself to move. I wanted to burst into his room and catch him in the act, do something to interrupt their moment, but I couldn’t. I was paralyzed with hurt. Getting my feet to move was impossible. I looked down at my hands that were shaking. I couldn’t even cry. I couldn’t do anything but stare at his door.
I pressed my back against the wall and sank to the floor. I just sat there like this pathetic doormat being trampled on, listening to my boyfriend finish with God-knows-who. For a second, I was almost mad at myself for not giving it up to him. I almost, for a split second, thought that it was my fault because he wasn’t getting it from me and had to get it from somewhere. But I knew that was far from the truth. This wasn’t okay. This wasn’t my fault.
Channing had no idea I was sitting there listening to him fuck some girl. He had no idea that I was breaking and crumbling in his hallway. But if he honestly cared, he wouldn’t be doing this to me.
I pulled my knees to my chest and hugged them tightly. My chin rested on my knees while silent tears fell down my cheeks. I wanted to leave. I wanted to get as far from him as I possibly could, but my body just wouldn’t move. I was frozen in my self-pity. What would I do when he came out and saw me sitting here? How would I react?
I felt nauseous when I heard the moans stop, and then whispers. I listened as a girl’s voice giggled and talked to my Channing.
“Ellie is missing out. Damn, you’re so good, Channing.” She giggled some more. Her voice sounded familiar, and I tried to make out who it might be, but I couldn’t quite place it between her labored breathing and quiet voice.
Channing laughed. He actually laughed. He found this funny?
“I love her, but I’m a guy with needs. And she’s been so spacey lately with everything going on. She can’t find out.”
“Find out? Come on, Channing. This has been going on for the past four months without her knowing. She won’t find out. Especially now that she’s at a different school.”
“Katie, she’ll kill us.”
My mouth fell open. Katie?
I stood, my body finally listening to my brain, and went to storm into the room. Before I could open the door, it pushed outward, and Katie stood there, her eyes wide in shock. Tears sprang from my eyes, and I slapped her. I slapped her so hard my palm and fingers stung.
I shoved past her and pushed the door open all the way. Channing clutched the sheets over his bottom half, and he looked at me in terror.
“Ellie—”
“Don’t!” I screamed. “Don’t you dare try to explain a bit of this to me! Fuck you, Channing! Fuck the both of you!” I turned and ran out of his house. I got in my car and drove so fast that the surroundings and eve
rything in front of me was a blur on my way to Kerrville.
My heart was broken, and I had no one. I couldn’t call any of my friends. They were all friends with Katie and Channing, and honestly, I didn’t even want to talk about it. I didn’t want to allow Channing and Katie to exist in my life anymore.
How could they do this to me?
I had no idea where to go. I drove to the nearest park, parked my car, and lost it. I punched my steering wheel several times. I screamed at the top of my lungs. I cried so hard that I wasn’t sure if I was even getting air in.
When would things start making sense again? When would people stop hurting me?
After I calmed down some, I looked at my phone. Texts from Channing and Katie poured in, but I had no intentions of reading what they had to say or responding. I scrolled through, trying to find someone I could talk to. I just needed… Someone.
Before I could talk myself out of it, I hit Jane’s name and put the phone to my ear. I know I said I wanted nothing to do with friends in Kerrville, but whether I wanted to admit it or not, Jane was my friend.
ARE YOU SERIOUS?” SHE gasped, covering her mouth. “And you just sat there and listened to them have sex?” She took a bite of her Oreo Blast.
I nodded and wiped away the few tears that were falling. “I couldn’t move. It was so weird. Finn was right. Channing is an asshole, and I was too dumb to see it. I loved him, Jane. He was the only thing in my life that made complete sense.”
I spent the next hour telling her everything. I told her about my parents, how my mom erased me from her life, and how Dad didn’t believe me about Nancy. I couldn’t go home. Not without Dad there. Maybe not ever.
“I hate to ask you, but can I stay with you until my dad gets back from his business trip? I understand if I can’t. I hate to just spring this on you.”
“Oh my gosh, Ellie! Of course you can! I was going to ask you to stay anyway! My parents will love you!”
I smiled a little. “Really?”
“Cross my heart!”
“Thank you.”
She smiled. “Of course.”
HER PARENTS WERE AMAZING. Especially her mom. She reminded me of my mom pre-divorce. She made me feel so welcome, and it felt like I had known her family for years. I had just gotten out of the shower and into the pj’s that Jane let me borrow when my phone started vibrating on the bathroom counter. It was Dad.
“What,” I answered.
“Where are you? Nancy is panicking because you never came back home! She wants to apologize. She said she and her ex-husband were in an argument over some of their belongings she was supposed to get, and she just flipped. She said she’s really sorry, and she really wants to work this out with you.”
“I’m at my friend’s house. I’m not going home until you’re there. It was freaky shit, Dad. I know you don’t believe me, but whatever. I’m not going back there right now.”
“She said she didn’t lay a hand on you. Why would you say that? Maybe you thought she was going to or something, but she would never hit you.”
My hands started shaking so badly that I was having trouble holding onto the phone.
“I gotta go.”
I hung up and dropped the phone on the counter. I gripped the edge of the granite until my knuckles turned white. I closed my eyes tightly, trying hard not to cry. I didn’t want to cry anymore.
I took a few deep breaths, telling myself my tears weren’t worth it. My life was becoming too much to handle, but I refused to let the stupidity of others affect me like this. This stress wasn’t healthy. It would be the death of me if I let it. I pulled myself together and left the bathroom.
When I walked into Jane’s room, she waved me over. I plopped down on the bed next to her and laid on my stomach. She had the school’s yearbook stretched out in front of us.
“Okay, we’re going to play a game. Hot or Not.”
“This sounds like something I’d do in junior high.”
She chuckled. “It’s stupid-fun. Come on, admit it. You need stupid-fun!”
She was right. “Okay. Fine.”
“I point, and you either say hot or not.”
“Got it.”
“You have to be 100% honest though. No bluffing!” She pointed a serious finger at me.
I laughed. “Fine. You too, though.”
She nodded. “Deal.”
The game was hilarious. Some of the guys she thought were hot surprised me. She seemed like the type of girl that would go for the mysterious, dark guys. But she liked all of the guys that were the Ken Barbie doll type. I didn’t like any of those guys. I liked the in-between guys. The guys who stood out but not really. The ones like…I froze when she pointed to Finn Kerr. I didn’t want to admit that I thought he was hot. Not after expressing my distaste for this so-called ladies’ man.
“Oooo, nothing? Not even a not? You’re crushin’ on him!”
My mouth fell open, and I shoved her shoulder. “Am not! I don’t think he’s hot, and I don’t think he’s not hot. I’m indifferent when it comes to him.”
“Liar!”
I laughed. “Okay, fine! Hot. Now go to the next one, dammit!”
She burst into laughter. We both laughed so hard we had tears in our eyes. I had no idea why we found this so funny, but I’m glad we did. I needed this. I needed laughter that didn’t make sense. I needed stupid-fun.
THE REST OF THE week was a blur. I kept myself busy, finishing several of my assignments early just to keep my mind off of Channing and Katie. I even applied for some jobs, because Dad told me that I needed to start paying for my own things, like car insurance and my car payment. But did he check on me to make sure I was alright? Nope. He just ‘checked in’ to tell me I needed to get a job and that we’d talk more about things when I cooled off and came home from Jane’s.
I wasn’t mad about the job thing. I was actually excited about it. It’d be my money, and dammit, I just needed something that was mine and no one else’s right now. Like Channing was mine, but, without my knowledge, I was sharing him with Katie.
All of my friends back home must’ve heard about what happened, because my phone started blowing up with missed calls and “how are you” texts. I didn’t respond to anyone. I had this theory that if I just forgot about that place, those people, everything, the hurt might not hurt so badly. Throwing things under the rug isn’t smart; I knew that. But sometimes you have to, to make it through the day. I’d deal with it later. Maybe.
Fridays lately have been hard. The beginning of each new weekend brought more turmoil and hurt. I wasn’t going to go to the party with Jane. I didn’t want to mingle with new people and put on a pretend smile. I just wanted to pig out on junk food and repeatedly watch The Breakfast Club. But Jane insisted. And when Jane insisted, she usually won. She promised if I wanted to leave, she’d leave with me, and we’d both pig out on junk.
I ran home to get some of my things after confirming that neither my dad nor Nancy were there. I wasn’t ready to see either of them yet. After getting ready and packing my things, I came into the living room where Jane was waiting for me.
“You know what I think?” She had a silly grin on her face. It made me slightly nervous.
“What?” I put the straps of my bag over my shoulder.
“I think you should look for Finn tonight.”
I laughed. “No. I strategically ignored his snide remarks and stupid adorable smile all week. I’m not entertaining him, Jane. No way. I just want to go and have fun.”
“But you’re back on the market! Fuck that stupid Channing guy! Get out there and meet new guys. You’re in high school; act like it!”
Tears stung my eyes, and she became instantly apologetic. “Oh damn, Ellie! I’m sorry. Don’t mess up your mascara!”
I laughed and blinked away the tears. “It’s waterproof.”
We both laughed.
“I didn’t mean to upset you.”
I shook my head and waved my hand. “No problem.
I’m just not ready, okay?”
She nodded. “Okay. Sorry. Really I am.”
I motioned toward the door with my head. “Come on. Let’s get out of here and go have some fun.”
She jumped up from the couch and looped her arm with mine on our way out to my car.
I EXPECTED THE PARTY to be at a house. Not a tree stump. Literally. The place was called “The Stump,” and everyone crowded around it like some ritual. Four bonfires were blazing in different areas, and everyone was drinking and laughing. I looked at the “responsible” adults at this thing, generously handing out liquor to the minors.
I listened to people talk about staying the night in their vehicles and the adults agreeing that it’d be safer, so they weren’t driving. I was shocked. All of the parties I went to were us teens avoiding adults. We would sober up, then drive home, and pretend like we were out doing responsible things. This was insane, but, I was actually having fun.
I liked these people. They were all more accepting of the girl from their rival town than I had expected. There were no petty fights or drama with this group. Not like my group back home where there was always someone getting mad about something. This was nice.
I wasn’t purposefully looking for Finn Kerr. I swear I wasn’t. But everyone else was here, so I was confused as to why he wasn’t. He did sort of invite me here a few days ago, so where the hell was Mr. Snarky-Pants?
I followed Jane around most of the night. She introduced me to people, and I answered the same question over and over. “Why did you move here?” I just answered it generically each time. “Because my dad got a new job,” I’d lie. Jane knew the truth, but no one else needed to know that much about me.
As I followed Jane to another group of people, I stopped and grabbed the back of her shirt to stop her. She turned to look at me.
“What’s up?”
