by Sara Daniell
I shook my head. “I think I’m just gonna sit on that vacant tailgate over there.” I pointed in the distance to a truck near a bonfire that was only coals now. “I just want to chill for a bit. Go have fun, and come find me when you’re ready to go.”
“You sure? We can leave now if you want.”
“No. I’m fine. I’m actually having fun, but I just want to go recluse for a bit.”
She smiled. “Okay, but text me if you’re ready to leave.” She took a sip of her beer.
I nodded and then walked toward the tailgate. I found a nearby ice chest that was labeled “Community Beer”. Don’t mind if I do. I chuckled to myself, opened the lid, and grabbed one. I popped the top and hopped up on the tailgate. My feet dangled, and I stared at the coals. I was trying desperately not to let my mind wander to Channing and Katie, but I couldn’t help it.
My hands were shaking so badly I almost spilt my beer. I felt myself losing it. This was the first time I wasn’t too busy to think about it for longer than ten minutes. I took a deep breath and blinked my eyes, trying to fight the tears. I was failing. My breaking point was when I noticed the beer in my hand. Channing’s favorite brand—Coors.
I pulled my phone out to text Jane.
Me: I changed my mind. I’m ready. I need to leave.
Jane: I’ll meet you at your car.
I hopped off the tailgate, leaving my half-full beer there. I hurried through the crowd of people and loud music. As I was running, I ran right into Finn. I looked up at him, and he tried to say something, but I tried to move past him at the same time. He took notice of my tears and stopped me by looping his arm around my waist. I put my hand to his chest to push him away, but he held me close against him. Before I could talk myself out of it, I gripped the front of his hoodie and buried my face against it. I wept so hard that I was surprised I didn’t pass out from the lack of oxygen.
I should leave.
I should go to my car and walk away from this confusing yet comforting situation.
Finn would want an explanation I wasn’t ready to give. The last person I would have ever sought out to comfort me was holding me in his arms. But it felt good. Scary good.
Damn, he smells good.
Wait, what? In the midst of a breakdown, I’m noticing how he smells like citrus and smoke? I really am losing it.
Once I relaxed, Finn eased his hold. I slipped out of his arms and wiped my eyes. Our eyes met, and it was too much to see the care and worry in his. I didn’t want him to see me like this, and I didn’t want to trust him. I couldn’t afford to let anyone else besides Jane into my messed up life. The possibility of getting hurt again was too great.
His blue eyes were reeling me in, and it was getting hard to breathe.
“I have to go.”
I didn’t give him a chance to respond. I hurried down the gravel road, looking for my car. There were so many vehicles parked alongside the road, and I didn’t pay attention to how far back on the road I had parked.
I finally found it and got into the driver’s seat. I put my head to the steering wheel and lost it again. I’m not sure how long I had been sitting there with my face plastered against the leather when suddenly I felt a hand rubbing my back. I looked to my right and was relieved when I saw Jane. I sat up straight and took several calming breaths. I wasn’t sad anymore; I was angry.
Determination began to boil in my blood. I cranked my car and pulled onto the road. I was going to confront them both. I was going to yell until my heart didn’t ache so badly. Channing and Katie were going to know just how much I hated them both.
“Ummm, where are we going?” Jane asked when I turned toward Fredericksburg at the 4-way stop.
I gripped the steering wheel and kept my eyes on the road. “To Channing’s.”
Jane didn’t say anything. She sat in the seat silently. She didn’t try to talk me out of my insanity; she just rode along. Jane was my ride-or-die bitch and had become a better friend to me in just a week than Katie ever was.
When we pulled up to Channing’s, he wasn’t there. No one was. I’m sure he was out partying or whatever. I had no idea how I’d react if he pulled up or if he had been here. Would I have really said anything to him? Probably not. I kept my hands on the steering wheel and stared at his house. Tears fell down my cheeks, and Jane remained silent.
“I’ll never forget when he asked me out. Katie and I were at her house, and she told me that some friends were coming over. I didn’t know Channing then. He didn’t go to the same school at the time. Anyway, he came over, and I couldn’t stand him. He wouldn’t stop staring at me, and when he said something, it was flirty and like he was trying too hard. Like I’d be some girl he could just hook up with because it was convenient and because I was there, and Katie was off making out with his friend in her room. Maybe that should’ve been my sign to stay away from him.” I laughed and shook my head. “Well, they ended up leaving, Channing getting absolutely nothing. He called Katie about an hour later, asking to talk to me. He begged me to date him. He begged for two hours straight. I would hang up; he’d just call right back. It was pathetic. So you know what I did?”
Jane laughed. “What?”
I smirked. “I told him that if he really wanted to date me, he would have to come back to Katie’s and ask me in person, like a real man.”
“And he came over and did it, didn’t he?”
“Sure did. At 3:00 in the morning in Katie’s driveway. I thought I better give him a chance. Guys just don’t do that kind of stuff.”
“What a jerk.”
I scoffed. “Yeah. I can’t make sense of it all. I mean, he said he was my forever. He said that kind of shit all the time. He told me he respected that I wanted to wait to have sex. Of course he respected it, because he was getting it from my best friend. He didn’t need it from me.” Tears filled my eyes.
“Do you want to leave or burn down his house?”
I chuckled and shook my head. “I like his parents too much to do that. But if it was just his, I’d consider it.”
She smiled. “And I’d help.”
“Jane,” I said, wiping my tears, “you’re the best.” I put my car in reverse and pulled out of his driveway, heading back toward Jane’s.
SHOULD I ARGUE WITH Dad and Nancy, or should I just let her lie to his face? She hit me. Several times. Dad didn’t believe me last week; why should I think he’d believe me today? I listened to Nancy cry and apologize and watched Dad comfort her. It made me sick.
I stared at my hands until she was finished talking and then looked at her. “Okay,” I said with no energy to argue.
“So, you accept her apology?” Dad asked me.
I forced myself to nod. I wanted to punch the lying bitch in the face, but I refrained somehow. “Sure, Dad. Why not…”
I didn’t have any fight left in me. Nancy was the liar, but Dad thought I was. He thought I was being a “teenager” and overreacting like “normal teens” do. So I’d just let him keep thinking that. I was done with this. I just wanted to move past it and see whether Nancy would get better or worse.
When I walked into my room, I wondered what had happened to my backbone. There was a time when I’d never let anyone treat me like dirt. But I had enough. I was so emotionally drained that it was easier to put more shit under the rug and hope like hell it never reappeared.
IT WAS FRIDAY, AND sixth period rolled around. I wanted to skip it, because Finn was becoming relentless and I was doing everything in my power to avoid him. He tried on several occasions to talk to me, probably regarding my breakdown at the party, but I blew him off each time he tried to start a conversation. I was embarrassed. I didn’t want to admit he was right about Channing or that I thought he smelled good. I probably had six notes from him that I left unanswered. Why did he care so much? He didn’t even know me.
I walked in, letting my hair fall freely to shield my face and kept my eyes on the floor as I went to my seat. I peeked through the strands of my hair to see Finn i
n his seat, looking in his backpack. I sat down and laid my head on the desk. I was done with all of my homework. I had even finished my research paper that was due in a month. So as long as the teacher didn’t disapprove, I was taking a much-needed nap.
I groaned when I felt Finn’s light tap on my back. I sat up and turned to look at him. “What?” I growled out in a whisper.
He handed me a folded piece of paper. I narrowed my eyes at him and took it. I unfolded it and turned around to read it.
Just tell me you’re okay, and I’ll leave you alone about that night.
Finn
I rubbed my temples and closed my eyes. What was his deal? Couldn’t he get the hint that I just wanted him to stop bothering me? I turned to look at him, and his eyes widened when I started crumpling the paper into a ball. I tossed it at his head.
“I don’t need you or anyone else asking me if I’m okay! Just stop, Finn!” I turned in my seat and felt all eyes on me. The teacher set her phone down and crooked her finger at me.
I sighed heavily and stood. I stomped toward her desk. “Yes, ma’am?”
“Is everything alright, Elena?”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“Are you sure?” She raised a brow at me.
I shook my head. “Can I go to the office? I’m going to call my dad and see if he can come sign me out early.”
She nodded. “Sure.”
I went to my desk and gathered my things. I avoided Finn’s eyes and left the classroom. I went to the office and called Dad from the office phone.
“This is Mr. Johnson. How can I help you?”
“Dad, it’s me. I don’t feel good. Can you talk to the office secretary and tell them it’s okay for me to sign out early? I need to go home and lie down.”
“Sure. Do you need to go to the doctor?”
“No. I think I may have just eaten something bad. I don’t know. I just want to lie down.”
“Okay, Sweetie.”
I handed the phone to the secretary, and after she got dad’s approval, I signed out and left. Instead of going home, I drove to the Kroger grocery store. I had put in my application a little over a week ago and still hadn’t heard anything. I wanted a job so badly to keep me busy.
I LOOKED IN THE mirror and freshened up my makeup before heading in. I went to the glassed-in office where you could purchase cashier’s checks. I waited at the small window until a lady came over. She smiled.
“How can I help you?”
I had no idea what to say. I paused for a second before finding my confidence. “I applied a little over a week ago, and I just wanted to stop in and check on my application status.”
“What’s your name?”
“Elena Johnson.”
“I’ll be right back. I’m going to page our store manager, all right?”
I nodded and stepped to the side of the window so the next person in line could be helped.
I waited at least fifteen minutes before a short man with gray hair came over to me.
“Are you Elena Johnson?” He asked with a smile and held his hand out to me.
I shook his hand and smiled. “I am.”
“I’m Mr. Meyer, the store manager. Do you have time to come to my office and talk?”
“Yes, sir.”
I followed him to his office and sat down in the chair he pulled out for me. He went behind his messy desk, and his large stomach knocked off a pen and some papers. After picking them up, he sat down.
“Sorry it took me so long to come out and talk to you. I had to look for your application. To be honest, Elena, I wasn’t planning on hiring anymore high school students until summer. I need more full-time workers. But I like your persistence. I think I just might be able to find a spot for you. But first, tell me a little bit about yourself.”
I was majorly excited, but I contained it so that I didn’t seem too desperate.
“Well, I just turned 17, and I’m going to be a senior next year. I have plans to attend college. My parents really want me to go into the medical field, but I want to be a teacher. In the meantime, I just like to hang out with my best friend Jane and focus on school.” I’d never been interviewed before, so I didn’t know if I was doing this right.
“And why do you want to work so badly?”
“I want my own money. I want to be able to pay for my own things. I want to be as independent as I can be.”
He smiled. “Are you willing to work weekends?”
“I’m willing to work whatever hours you can give me,” I laughed.
He laughed too. “It might not be much, but I’ll give you what I can. Mainly weekends, though.”
“Sounds good.”
“Okay then, Elena. I guess this means you have a job.
“Really?” I asked, bouncing in my seat.
He chuckled and nodded. “As soon as you pass a drug test.”
“Okay.” I chewed on the inside of my cheek trying to remember the last time I had smoked a joint with Dillon. It was over a month ago. I should be in the clear.
“I’ll be in contact with you by the middle of next week.”
“Sounds great! Thank you so much, Mr. Meyer!”
He walked me out of his office, and we parted ways at the automatic doors. I left on cloud nine. I had a job. I felt a little taller leaving Kroger. I would be able to pay Dad for my car and insurance and maybe have a little extra for myself. It’d be something that was mine.
MY SCHEDULE WAS PACKED now and had been for the past two weeks. Between work and homework, I had no free time, but I preferred it that way. Jane didn’t approve, but she understood. I could avoid Nancy and Dad. I could keep my mind so busy that healing from all the heartbreak would become easier. I liked the direction my life was going. I was focusing on me and my future instead of everything else.
I walked into the break room for my thirty-minute break when I felt my phone vibrate in my back pocket. I closed the door behind me and pulled my phone from my pocket. My breath caught in my throat when I saw the name flashing across the screen.
Mom.
I answered it without thinking. “Mom?” I squeaked out.
“Elena?”
“Hey,” I whispered and pressed my back against the wall. Thankfully, no one was in here right now. Tears burned my eyes. “Are you okay?”
“I think I’m getting better. I need to see you. We have a lot to talk about.”
“I agree. When?”
“What are you doing right now?”
“Actually, I’m working. I got a job at a local grocery store. I can come after work. It’ll be around 9:30. Is that okay?”
“Yes. Of course. Just meet me at home. I’ll leave the door unlocked.”
“Okay!”
We got off the phone, and I stared down at my feet. I craved Mom’s attention so much that I didn’t even think about how angry I was with her before agreeing to see her. But none of that mattered. I missed my mom, and she needed me. I could be angry with her later.
I FINISHED MY SHIFT at work and headed to Mom’s. I didn’t tell Dad where I was going. I only told him I was hanging out with friends. He didn’t need to know the details. Things were complicated enough with him right now.
I pulled into Mom’s driveway and parked behind her car. I was nervous to see her. What exactly would we say to one another? She’d crushed me. I don’t know why I checked the mirror to see how I looked, but I did. Maybe I wanted to appear to be strong and unbroken. Maybe I wanted her to see that I was surviving, despite how she’d treated me.
I got out of the car and knocked on the door. I knew she’d said she was leaving it unlocked, but I didn’t feel right about just walking in. Whether she’d invited me or not, I still didn’t feel welcome. She opened the door, and we stared at one another for several seconds before she said anything.
“Come on in,” she said, moving to the side.
I walked in, past her, and into the kitchen and sat on a stool at the bar. I set my purse down on the counter a
nd watched her come around the other side. She leaned against the bar and smiled sheepishly.
“I want to start by apologizing. I was wrong, Elena. I was hurting, and I didn’t know how to handle the pain.”
I sat up and looked at her. “Neither did I. Still don’t.”
She reached across the bar and put her hand on top of mine. “I don’t think anyone can be prepared for hurt like this.”
Tears wet my cheeks. “No. I guess not.”
She moved her hand and came around the bar so that she could wrap me in her arms. “Please, forgive me. I know that’s probably asking a lot, but right now I need to know that my daughter doesn’t hate me.”
I hugged her back. I held onto my mom for dear life. I bawled my eyes out against her shoulder. I didn’t tell her everything that had happened, but I released all of my hurt and anger in those tears. She rubbed my back and apologized over and over.
“I’m moving out of the house, Ellie. I can’t take being in these walls without your father, you, and your brother here. It’s too big, and there’s too many memories.”
I schooled my emotions and sat up taller. I looked at her. “I understand.”
“I’m moving about an hour away. I accepted a job, and I think it’ll be a good change. I need change so badly right now.”
“Where?”
“Llano.”
“Oh.”
“You can move with me. If you want.”
No, I couldn’t. I might want to forgive her and be willing to work on fixing our relationship, but I couldn’t move again. I had just started adjusting to my new high school; I’d started a new job, and I had Jane. As shitty as things were at home with Dad and Nancy, it didn’t really matter because I was barely home anyway. Their jobs always kept them gone too.
“Thanks for the offer, but I just can’t move again.”
She smiled and nodded. “I understand. Why don’t you come with me this weekend to see where I’ll be living?”
“Okay. That sounds like fun.”
