by Lynn, JB
I nodded at the logic of that. “You’ll say goodbye before you go, right?”
“To you? Yes.”
He shoved me gently, sending me toward the house.
“I’ll keep an eye on him, sugar,” Piss purred after me.
I couldn’t very well answer the cat with Templeton standing there, but I lifted my hand in the air, giving the world in general a thumbs-up. When I walked inside, almost everyone was gathered around the television. Aunt Loretta, shoeless, was holding center court. Aunt Leslie sat beside her, Susan next to her, and Griswald taking up the rest of the sofa that they sat on. Armani, wearing a red-white-and-blue sequined bustier, was in a nearby chair, Herschel stood behind her. And Doc had his arms wrapped around Marlene where they stood in a corner.
“Did I miss it?” I asked drily.
“After the commercial break,” Armani said excitedly.
Susan caught my eye and shook her head. She obviously wasn’t expecting this to be anything short of a disaster. I shrugged helplessly, wondering if she knew that her sister had been cheating on Templeton.
“I’ve been trying to figure out the carbon monoxide problem,” Griswald said over the car commercial that was playing on the television.
“I’d like that solved, too,” Herschel agreed. “That was an awfully--”
“Quiet!” Loretta thundered. “Here we go.”
I don’t know if anyone else in the room held their breath, but I did. The entire piece, set against the backdrop of a wall of fuzzy handcuffs, lasted all of two minutes. By the end, Loretta and Armani, whose idea of business casual had been her sparkling bustier under a too-tight blazer, were beaming. Marlene was chuckling into Doc’s chest. And Aunt Susan, Aunt Susan looked like she was about to blow her top.
I attempted to duck out before that happened, but she caught me. “Don’t you move, Margaret,” Susan ordered sternly the moment I prepared to take a step.
“I have nothing to do with this,” I said, raising my hands in surrender and backing up against the wall.
“The best part of the interview were the drag singers,” Susan said. “You found them, didn’t you?”
“More like, we found each other,” I said, trying to mount a defense.
Griswald gave me a warning look. Of course, he was right. It wasn’t worth trying to save myself. Susan was going to slaughter us all.
“You’re not selling sex,” Susan told Loretta huffily. “You’re selling lingerie.”
“And sexual enhancements, toys, and paraphernalia,” Armani corrected. Apparently, not being a biological relation, she had no fear of Susan’s wrath.
“You told the entire town you sell sex,” Susan said, her voice rising with every syllable.
“I do,” Loretta said. She adjusted her pushup bra for emphasis. “And I’m proud of it.”
“Are you selling it to the guy that you’re cheating on Templeton with?” I asked.
The entire room gasped and turned to stare at me. I’m not even sure how those words ever came out of my mouth, and if I could have retrieved them, I would have, but since I couldn’t, I decided to stand by my outlandish question. I met Loretta’s shocked gaze steadily. “Well, are you?”
“What has gotten into you, Maggie?” Loretta asked, jumping to her feet.
“I’m not the one who’s throwing away a good man,” I told her. “Templeton has done a lot for this family. He deserves better treatment than what you’re giving him.” With that, I turned and stalked out of the house. On my way through the door, Marlene caught my eye and winked at me, letting me know she approved of my statement.
As I left, I heard Susan asking, “Is what she said true?”
“That took a lot of tact,” God remarked as I stalked away from the house. I didn’t even know where I was going, but I found myself trudging toward the barn. I’d rather spend time with an actual ass than my Aunt Loretta.
When I got there, the donkey, Irma, asked, “Did you bring me an apple?”
“No,” I told her testily. “No apples.”
“Maggie’s in a bad mood,” the donkey brayed.
Matilda, the pig, waddled up to me. “What’s wrong, Maggie?” she oinked.
“What isn’t?” I asked, bending to scratch between her ears. “What else could possibly go wrong?”
“I really don’t think that’s a question you should ask,” God muttered.
12
It was strange to get up the next morning and not find Templeton in the kitchen. He’d promised he’d say goodbye, so I didn’t think he’d left, but he was obviously not in the mood to come out and socialize with the family. Not that I could blame him. Most of the time, I prefer not to socialize with them, either.
I had to make my own coffee and listen to Piss’s critique of my inadequate pouring of her cream. Just when the pot had finished brewing, Griswald walked in.
“My coffee isn’t as good as Templeton’s,” I warned.
“He is an asset in many ways,” Griswald said. Coming from a U.S. Marshal, about a man with questionable legal status, that was a very high compliment indeed.
“Are you ready to get started on our case?” he asked as I handed him a mug of the steaming brew.
I nodded. I was going to do everything I could to help him. I was going to do everything I could to help Delveccio. I was even going to do what I could to help Templeton. I wondered who was going to help me.
“I’ve never had to track down ashes before,” Griswald admitted, sliding into a seat at the table.
I was hungry, but Templeton wasn’t cooking anything, so I just sank into the seat opposite him, cradling my coffee.
“I’m going to handle it the same way I handle every other death that is suspicious,” he told me.
“Was Mr. Hallangen’s death suspicious?” I asked, a little alarmed. I really didn’t need another murder to deal with.
Griswald shook his head. “Not as far as I know. Coroner said it appeared to be a heart attack, but the after death is suspicious, wouldn’t you say?”
I shrugged. “People are weird around deaths.” I should know. I’d caused more than my own fair share of them.
“But I’ve never heard of a case where someone broke into a funeral home to steal ashes,” Griswald said.
“Me neither.” I sipped from my coffee, wondering where this whole thing was going.
“So the standard operating procedure would be to interview the family and acquaintances of the deceased,” Griswald said in his most formal tone.
I nodded.
“I’ll talk to his nephew and business partner.” Griswald sipped his coffee and made a face.
I hadn’t been exaggerating. My coffee-making skills are just not up to par with Templeton’s. It’s like he adds a secret magic ingredient or something.
“You need to talk to the funeral home employees,” Griswald said.
I took that to mean that he didn’t consider any of the funeral home employees to actually be valid suspects. He was just giving me the easy legwork. I wasn’t going to argue with him. I needed some easy in the midst of all the chaos.
“I can do that,” I said enthusiastically.
He raised his eyebrows as though he was surprised at how much I wanted to do it.
“It’ll be good practice for me,” I said. “Assuming that we get more interesting cases than this down the road.”
He nodded slowly. “Oh, trust me, they’ll be interesting.”
I fought the urge to ask him how he knew Ms. Whitehat. I’d spotted them together, and when I’d asked her about it, the leader of the shadowy organization that sometimes blackmails me to work for them, had refused to explain their relationship. I didn’t think that Griswald was cheating on Aunt Susan. But it did seem suspicious that a U.S. Marshal was working with someone, or at least had a relationship with someone who didn’t seem to be bound by the rules of law at all. Still, wanting to keep the different aspects of my life separate, I’d kept my mouth shut. I’d figure out what they were
up to together at some other time.
“Do you have any questions?”
I shrugged. “Is there anything in particular I should ask?”
Griswald shrugged. “Just go with your instincts. You have pretty good instincts.” He leaned across the table and grabbed my hand with his. “How are you doing?”
I blinked at him, confused. “You mean, about Templeton?”
He shook his head.
I wasn’t about to ask him if he was referring to Delveccio. I knew he didn’t approve of my relationship with the mobster, even though he didn’t know what that relationship was.
I stared at him blankly.
“You killed a man, Maggie,” he reminded me.
“Oh,” I said, remembering that he thought it was shocking that I had shot the man that had been about to execute him.
“I’ve been talking to someone about it,” I lied.
“Oh good,” he said, letting out a sigh of relief. “I thought, maybe, the reason you went after Loretta last night, was due to the residual stress of the shooting.”
I shrugged. That excuse was as good as any. It wasn’t like I could confide that both Patrick Mulligan and Angel Delveccio had chosen other women over me, making me more sympathetic to Templeton’s plight. “It could have been. I’m feeling pretty stressed.”
He nodded. “If you’d rather not talk to the funeral home people…”
I shook my head. “No. I want to do it. Keeping busy is important.”
God, nestled in my bra, chuckled. “If you were any more busy, your head would explode.”
Griswald shook his head at my squeaking chest, let go of my hand, and sat back in his seat. “Just find out who had access to the ashes,” he coached.
“I can do that.”
Before he could say anything else, Katie burst into the room, tears streaming down her face. She threw herself into my arms. I lifted her up into my lap and began to rock her back and forth. “What’s wrong, baby girl?” I asked worriedly.
“I don’t want it,” she sobbed.
“Don’t want what, honey?” I asked, trying to soothe her by brushing her hair away from her face.
“I don’t want Templeton to leave,” she sniffled.
“Nobody wants Templeton to leave,” I assured her.
“But he said he’s going to,” Katie revealed.
I glanced at Griswald across the table. He shrugged helplessly, signaling he was unsure of where she was getting her information.
“How do you know that?” I asked, trying to keep my tone calm.
“He told me,” she wailed. “He’s looking for empty boxes in the school room so that he can pack his things.”
I frowned. “Maybe I should go talk to him,” I said. I glanced again at Griswald. “Can you give her breakfast?”
He nodded. “My pancakes aren’t as good as Templeton’s,” he said, getting to his feet. “But would you like to try them?”
“With warm syrup, like he makes?” she hiccupped.
Griswald nodded. “We can do that.”
I wiped away her tears, gave her a napkin to blow her nose, and put her down in my seat. “I’ll go talk to him,” I promised her.
“Make him not leave, Aunt Maggie,” she begged.
“I’ll try,” I told her. “But I can’t promise anything.”
13
I hurried out to the barn, unsure of what I was going to even say to Templeton.
“Hey, toots,” Mike cawed, when I was about halfway there.
I stopped and looked around for the crow. I spotted him on a fence post.
“We need to talk,” he squawked.
Sighing, I walked over to him. “What’s up?”
“The redhead’s down the driveway,” he revealed.
I eyed him suspiciously. “Really?”
“He’s been there for a while,” he said. “I think he’s waiting for you.”
That made sense. Patrick wouldn’t come to the house, but if he was waiting to find me, he might wait in the driveway. “Okay,” I said. “I’ll go see him, but first I have to talk to Templeton.”
“You should send the dog,” the bird suggested.
“What?”
“Let DeeDee go see the cop,” he explained.
Nodding, I decided that made sense. If I sent the dog out, Patrick might wait longer. I hurried back into the house, woke up DeeDee, who was again sleeping late on my bed because she had patrolled the grounds all night waiting for the unknown next attack from Daphne, and said, “Patrick’s here.”
“Patrick!” she barked at the top of her lungs.
“Go up the driveway and find him,” I said, ushering her out of my room, and out of the house. She raced off, and I hurried toward the barn.
“It’s not a good thing that he’s here,” God pointed out.
“Thank you for pointing out the obvious,” I told him. “Now, please be quiet while I try to convince Templeton to give Loretta another chance.”
As Katie had said, Templeton was trying to find empty boxes, combining the contents of one box of school supplies into another.
“Need a hand?” I asked.
Startled, he jumped. “How’d you know I was in here?”
“A little Katie told me,” I revealed. “She’s very upset.”
Templeton hung his head guiltily. “I know. I feel terrible about that. She’s very special to me.”
I nodded. “She’s very special to all of us,” I told him. “You are, too.”
He shook his head. “Maybe to some of you,” he sighed sadly. “But Loretta has moved on.”
“Do you even know who it was that she was with?” I asked.
He shook his head. “Just her next knight in shining armor there to sweep her off her feet.”
“And what is he rescuing her from?” I asked.
“Boredom,” Templeton said. “In case you haven’t noticed, your aunt is easily bored.”
I considered that for a minute. I had actually never known that about her, but it made perfect sense.
“Move into my room for a couple days,” I implored.
He frowned. “There isn’t any room in your room,” he pointed out. “You have half the animals in the state in there most nights.”
I chuckled. “I’ll take them with me. I’ll go stay with Armani.”
He shook his head. “This isn’t the place for me anymore, Maggie.”
My heart squeezed as I heard the sadness in his voice.
“I just need a little time,” I told him. “Do this for me, please, Templeton?”
“Three nights,” he agreed.
Nodding, I kissed his cheek. “I’ve got to go do something else right now, but when I get back, I’ll clear out the room for you.”
He nodded. As I ran out, I threw over my shoulder, “You should go get breakfast. Griswald’s making pancakes.”
Leaving him, I took off up the driveway, in search of Patrick Mulligan and my Doberman pinscher. The redhead was playing fetch with the dog by the time I arrived.
“Hey, Mags,” he greeted with a grin.
I nodded, not trusting myself to speak. It really stinks that I still find him so attractive. Even after he cheated on me with a woman who then tried to kill me, he still had a special sparkle in his eyes that I felt myself drawn to. Like a moth to a flame.
A slight grin played at his lips, as though he could read my thoughts.
“What’s up?” I asked.
“I got you something,” he said.
I waited expectantly, hoping it would be breakfast. Instead, it was a file.
“I can’t leave this with you,” he explained. “But I wanted to show you this.” He opened the file and pulled out a photograph.
“You have your phone?” he asked.
Nodding, I pulled it out of my pocket.
“Take a picture,” he said, holding up the photograph of a tattoo of a flaming gravestone. I took a picture of it and then studied what I had just taken.
“That�
��s on the right rear shoulder of the body,” Patrick explained. “They tried to identify it, but no one has yet. If you can…”
I nodded. He’d given me my first clue. “Thanks.”
He nodded, threw the stick for the dog one more time, and got back into his car. “Be careful, Mags.” He backed up out of the driveway, leaving me staring at my phone.
“What are you supposed to do with that?” God asked. “Maybe you could canvas the local tattoo shops.”
“No more watching true crime shows for you,” I told him.
“Why? Do you have a better idea?”
“I’m going to ask Griswald how to identify it,” I said smugly. I broke into a jog, deciding that the best way to do it, would be over pancakes. When I got back, Katie was eating her first, or maybe it was her second batch of pancakes. Templeton was eating some, too.
“These are actually good,” Templeton announced as I walked into the kitchen.
Griswald smiled at me. “Wanna try them?”
“I’d love to,” I said. I refilled my coffee cup and sat at the table with Templeton and Katie. “Did you have a good time at the zoo yesterday?” I asked my niece.
She nodded, swallowing her last bite of breakfast. “I talked to the gorillas,” she said.
“Good girl,” I said. I got up from the table, taking her plate to the sink, not wanting her to say that she talked to the gorillas like I had instructed her to. I didn’t think that Templeton or Griswald would understand that.
Templeton finished his breakfast while I was away from the table. “Do you want to ride Irma?”
Katie nodded excitedly. I took Templeton’s plate as they left hand-in-hand, with the little girl chattering about how much she loved the donkey.
“He’s staying for three more nights,” I told Griswald.
The U.S. Marshal flipped the pancakes and nodded approvingly. “But who’s going to change Loretta’s mind?”
I shrugged. “I’ve done my part. I got him to stay. I can’t be expected to do it all. Somebody else has to try something.”
“Susan might,” he suggested.
I didn’t say anything. Aunt Susan wasn’t exactly the biggest fan of Templeton.
