Soul Caress

by Kim Shaw

  “Caring is one thing. What you do is smothering and you need to stop it right now,” Kennedy said.

  “All right now, Kennedy, that’s your mother you’re talking to. Watch your tone,” Joseph said.

  Both women turned toward the patio doorway, Kennedy following the sound of her father’s voice. They didn’t know how long he had been there or how much of the argument between the strong-willed Daniels women he had witnessed.

  “Look, I’m not trying to be disrespectful, but you guys are going to have to give Madison some breathing room or else you’re going to push her away. I know you want what’s best for her, but she’s a grown woman. You guys standing over her and riding her is not going to help. It’s just going to make matters worse.”

  “Pardon me, Kennedy, but when you have your own children, after you’ve spent almost three decades being a mother, then you can tell me how to do it. Until then, I’d appreciate if you’d keep your advice to yourself,” Elmira spat. “Now, if you don’t mind, I’m going to talk to Madison,” she huffed as she headed toward the spiral stairway up which Madison had fled.

  “No, Mother, you are not,” Kennedy countered harshly.

  “Kennedy!” Joseph exclaimed. “What has happened to you, young lady? Talking to your mother this way is not acceptable.”

  “What has happened to me? Let’s see, Dad, where should I begin? I damned near died in a car wreck, lost my eyesight…as soon as my bosses stop feeling pity for me I will have lost my job for good and what else? Oh, how could I forget…thanks to your meddling, I’ve lost the first man I’ve ever loved, a man who you guys despised. Forgive me if I’m not quite myself,” Kennedy said with more venom than she’d ever expressed in her entire life.

  Had she taken a moment to think about her words, she probably would have been just as shocked as her parents were that she had spoken to them in that manner. It was as if all the years of listening to their admonishments, all the “Kennedy don’t do this” and “Kennedy that’s not acceptable,” had coming crashing down on her all at once. She was so tired of living their lives that she felt as if she would explode. She did, in fact, explode and the anguish that she’d been surfing through over the split with Malik, was just the catalyst to push her over the edge.

  “Kennedy, let’s sit down and talk, without all of this yelling. You’re upsetting your mother tremendously,” Joseph said, after several charged moments.

  “No, Dad, I don’t want to sit down and talk. For once I want to stand up and, and…shout. I want you guys to listen to what I have to say and to hear me. There is no such thing as perfection. Do you understand that? Both Madison and I are going to make mistakes. Some will be big mistakes and some will be inconsequential, but we’re going to make them. I hate to rain on your little parade, but we are not perfect.”

  “No one ever expected you to be perfect, Kennedy,” Elmira said, having finally found her voice.

  Kennedy whirled around to the direction from which her mother’s voice came. Elmira had moved to the baby grand piano in the southwest corner of the room. She was sitting on the stool, her back to the keys.

  “Tell that to Madison up there, who’s spent the last five years trying so hard to get you guys to let her be herself that she’s damn near lost herself in the process. Do you think she’s doing all of these whacky things just for the hell of it? The bottom line, Mother, is that Madison and I are grown and if we make mistakes, they are our mistakes to make. It’s time for you guys to back the hell off.”

  “How dare you! Your father and I have given you everything…every possible advantage in this world. We’ve made your lives so that you could go anywhere you want, do anything you want and we will not sit idly by and watch either one of you squander that. Not Madison on drugs, alcohol or sordid affairs and not you on some…some—”

  “Elmira,” Joseph warned.

  “No, go ahead, Mother, say it. Some what? Some blue-collar, working-class, didn’t go to college bum.”

  “Kennedy—” Joseph began.

  “Don’t push me, Kennedy,” Elmira said.

  “Say it, Mother. Tell me all about how Malik isn’t good enough because his father was a doorman and his mother a maid. Why can’t you understand that everything about Malik and his family, their hardships and their struggles, have helped to shape him into the caring, compassionate man that he is. Malik is a man whose strength lies not in his financial portfolio or his investment holdings. It’s in his impeccable character, his strength of spirit and his morals.”

  “Spare me,” Elmira scoffed.

  “No, Mother. It’s true. Do you know that Malik is trying to open a community center for kids in his old neighborhood? Basically, while you guys are busy writing monthly checks out to your little laundry list of charities that you and your country club peers deem worthy, he’s trying to do something that will really make a difference. I have never met a man more honorable than Malik, and I don’t doubt for one minute that I ever will.”

  “Kennedy, you are too old to be so naive,” Elmira said. “Malik Crawford is none of those things.”

  Kennedy’s sardonic laugh shook her body.

  “What was that you used to say all the time? ‘For God’s sake, Kennedy, don’t even look at those darkie little boys. Think about your children.’ What’s the problem, Mother, did Malik not pass the paper bag test? Shoot, Dad, you know you barely made it yourself.”

  Elmira rushed across the room toward her daughter, snatching her by the shoulders. She shook Kennedy roughly until Joseph jumped up and stepped in between them. It was the first time that Kennedy could ever remember her mother touching her out of anger and part of her was stunned. The other part of her felt as though her mother’s behavior was just further proof of how much she wanted to control Kennedy’s every thought and emotion.

  “You can’t make me think your thoughts or live your life. I won’t do it anymore,” she screamed into her mother’s face.

  “So what do you want to do, Kennedy? Huh? What do you want to do? Do you plan on finding that man and begging him to take you back? Is that it? Ha.” Elmira laughed, her face contorted. “He doesn’t love you, Kennedy. Do you hear me? He does not love you. If he did, he would never have taken twenty thousand dollars from your father.”

  “Elmira!” Joseph shouted, turning away from Kennedy and facing his wife.

  His glare was a mixture of anger and disbelief as he stared at Elmira. He could not believe that she would be as cruel as that, but there was no denying that she’d lost control and had lashed out at Kennedy, hitting her with a truth that she knew would hurt tremendously.

  The seconds ticked by in a splintering silence. No one moved or dared to speak. Kennedy stood in between her parents, the silence causing her head to hurt. At that moment, more than any time since the car accident, she wished that she could have the use of her eyes for just one minute. She wanted to look at the faces of her parents, study their expressions and figure out beyond the shadow of a doubt if they were truly the monsters that she was beginning to believe them to be.

  “Kennedy, let me explain,” Joseph said after an eternity of stillness.

  “Mother, what are you talking about?”

  Kennedy ignored her father’s attempts to pacify her with his calm, even tone. Joseph glared at his wife, willing her mouth shut with his eyes. Elmira stood with her mouth closed, her chin jutting outward defiantly. Her expression was almost smug, but the look that Joseph gave her was enough to wipe most of it off of her face. She did not speak.

  “Mother?”

  Joseph moved closer to his daughter, placing a hand on her trembling shoulder.

  “Kennedy, baby, I’m sorry. I wish things could have gone differently. I would do anything for you not to ever be hurt.”

  “What exactly does that mean, Daddy? Did you pay him to leave me?” Kennedy asked directly.

  “It wasn’t like that. I simply…we simply explained to him that you and he were not meant to be. Malik had to be made to un
derstand that you could never be satisfied with a man like him. He was out of his league, and he came to realize that. The money, well the money was just a compensation of sorts for his loss.”

  Once again Kennedy felt the absence of her vision. The driving wish at that moment was to be able to see with her own eyes her parents’ faces. She wanted to see for herself if they had even one iota of remorse. Despite all the things they had ever said or done that she disagreed with, this was by far the most devastating. Accepting that her parents could be as manipulative and immoral as this was an extremely large pill to swallow. In fact, she felt herself about to choke on it.

  Kennedy refused to break down in front of them. In fact, she couldn’t have even if she wanted to. Coldness spread over her whole body all at once, freezing her heart and stopping the blood flow in her extremities. Later on, she wouldn’t remember walking out of the room, retrieving her purse and jacket from the hall chair where she’d laid them when she’d arrived earlier that afternoon and whistling for Muppet, who lay near the lemon tree on the side of her parents’ home. She’d have no recollection of walking out of the house, crossing the lawn and walking the quarter of a mile down to the gatehouse, where Mr. Melvin, the guard who received any visitors to the half a dozen houses on Cherry Hill Road, would call her a cab.

  By the time the driver pulled into the driveway of Skyy’s parents’ home, the frost had melted and Kennedy could feel a searing pain in the place where her heart resided. She felt the folded bills in her purse until she found the right combination of tucks and bends in order to pay the fare. Muppet, seeming to sense that his master was fragile, moved slowly up the walk to the front door. Kennedy didn’t think she could stand for a minute longer, nearly collapsing into Skyy’s arms when her friend opened the door. And then the glacier cracked, separating into a dozen little pieces and Kennedy cried enough tears to saturate the Sahara.

  Chapter 24

  Malik stared at the manila envelope filled with hundred-dollar bills as if it were a snake ready to spring from the dresser drawer and sting him with its deadly venom. When he first placed the envelope in the bottom drawer of his chest of drawers almost a month before, he’d avoided the drawer like the plague. Although he knew it was not likely, part of him believed that if he didn’t look at it or touch it, perhaps he could pretend that it didn’t exist. An even further stretch of hope was that if the money didn’t exist, none of the past six months of his life with Kennedy existed and it could all be relegated to some dusty corner of a fantasy where pain and longing did not register.

  He scratched at the hair that had grown in on his face since his last shave three days before. It had been a three-day weekend for him and he had not ventured out of his apartment. The weather outside was mild and inviting, and he had a million errands to run and tasks that he needed to do. For the past couple of weeks, however, as his tortured mind lived in a constant state of replay, images of Kennedy’s face freeze-framed on his brain, he’d opened the drawer a half dozen times. He had yet to summon the courage to touch the envelope.

  He had told himself that he had not taken the money as a payoff. Hadn’t he known from the very beginning that there would be no happily ever after for him and Kennedy? Of course, his mind had consistently held fast to that unspoken understanding. Yet his heart had leapt forward without hesitation and his soul had united with hers for keeps.

  Plans for the community center were progressing at warp speed. The business plan Kennedy had helped him draw up was impeccable and already he had two banks interested in providing funding in the form of low-interest loans. In addition, he’d secured a promise from a computer company to provide computers for the technology lab he envisioned, a major sporting goods chain was on board to provide athletic equipment for the gymnasium at a marked discount and the individuals at the Urban Enterprise Initiative with whom Kennedy had put him in touch were waiting for the green light to aid him in securing state funding. He was negotiating with the city’s zoning department over possible spaces for the center to be housed and was confident that a location would be decided upon shortly.

  The best part of it all was that Malcolm was down with him, prepared to head the construction on the facility space Malik was about to put an offer on. Having his brother working by his side as he undertook this, his life’s work, was more than he could have hoped for. He also prayed that the fact that Malcolm would be able to secure steady income from him for a time would help him get his affairs in line.

  Malik’s dream was finally coming true after years of scheming, yet the reality of it looked as if it were filmed in black and white instead of the high definition of his imagination. He could not escape the fact that had he not met Kennedy, he would not be this close to bringing the community center to life. That in and of itself was a permanent reminder of how much she had changed his life.

  Malik’s agonized revelry was interrupted by noises coming from the room his brother was staying in. Malcolm and Nicole, the mother of his first son, were going at it for what he counted to be the third time that night. Nicole was a screamer and the walls of Malik’s apartment were no match for her lungs. Malik slammed the drawer shut and walked over to his bed.

  He turned out the lamp on the nightstand, lay down on his back and covered his face with a pillow. As he lay he wished he could be more like his brother, who never let anyone get under his skin and into his heart. Yet even as he considered this, Malik knew that he would never want to live Malcolm’s life. Loving Kennedy had been the best thing that ever happened to him and losing her was the worst. Even as he hoped that somehow he would be able to move past this time in his life, he knew that the mark Kennedy had left on his heart was stamped in indelible ink. Her strokes on his soul would never be replaced.

  Malik realized that his only option was to become a man that Kennedy could proudly call her own and then step to her correctly this time. He would use the Daniels money toward the community center, where it would do something good and positive for people who needed it. Even if Kennedy never took him back, at least she would know that he was not a quitter when it came to accomplishing his goals, no matter how long it took or how difficult it was. He did not allow himself to think about the possibility that it would be too late by the time he found her again.

  Chapter 25

  Kennedy awoke early on the first morning after her return to D.C. It was raining and she lay motionless with her eyes closed, listening to the sound of the rain as it pelted her bedroom windows. She was tempted to lay there all day, unwilling to face the world on a day that mirrored her dreary mood.

  This morning she realized that she couldn’t go back to sleep even if she really did want to. Slowly, she opened her eyes as she sat up. There was a difference that caused her to blink once and then twice, as her pulse began to race.

  Kennedy took a couple of deep breaths, trying to calm herself down. It had to just be her mind playing tricks on her. Sometimes when a person wanted a thing badly enough, their mind could be tricked into believing that that thing was actually there. The blurred images that she thought were taking shape in front of her could not possibly be there. She closed her eyes again, actually hoping that by the time she opened them again, the images would be gone and the familiar darkness to which she had become accustomed would have returned.

  Kennedy threw back the comforter that covered her body. Her long legs swung over the side of the bed and she planted her feet on the floor. She counted down from ten, preparing herself for her daily ritual of counting her steps to the bathroom situated just outside of her bedroom door. Although the hour was early, just after six o’clock in the morning, the room was already bathed in sunlight. She tilted her face toward the window, feeling the warm light on her face. When she opened her eyes again, there was no dismissing or explaining the fact that while she’d slept, there had been a change in her vision.

  Stunned, her roaming eyes landed on the armoire directly across from her. The armoire was polished oak. While the image w
as very fuzzy, she could clearly make out what it was. Her eyes traveled up and down the piece of furniture as she blinked several times to try to bring the blurred shape into focus. At the top of the armoire was a huge stuffed teddy bear Malik had won for her at the carnival they’d gone to.

  Kennedy rose from the edge of the bed, her legs trembling as she walked toward the armoire. She reached up and pulled the teddy bear down. She felt along the back of the bear, its beige fur soft and fluffy. She could not see the brown stitched fabric that served as its nose, mouth and paw pads, but she could make out the large black plastic circles that formed its eyes. She lifted the teddy bear up into the air, then down and side to side, following it with her eyes in amazement.

  As the reality finally sank in, she hugged the bear to her chest and spun around. Tears sprung to her eyes and slid down her cheeks. She wiped at the moisture quickly, not wishing to have anything obstruct her view to the world. While it was not a complete return to sight, it was a definite improvement. It was what she and the doctors had been waiting for, even when she’d stopped believing in their words of encouragement that it was possible that her vision would return one day.

  “Yes!” she exclaimed, causing Muppet to stir from his position at the foot of her bed.

  She watched the dog trot over to her side and stop next to her, looking up into her face quizzically. She could make out the dog’s soft fur, the wagging tail hazy as it swished from side to side. The joy that bubbled up inside of her was contagious and Muppet began to do a little dance in which his lower body wiggled with his wagging tail. He barked twice, sharply, and Kennedy reached down to stroke his head. For the first time since she and Muppet had become companions, she did not have to feel along his back or neck to locate the space between his eyes where he liked to be scratched. Her hand landed directly on his head and she rubbed him, her smile beaming as a fresh batch of tears sprang to her eyes.